If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Bailey

I swear, I’m going to kill her. And him. Or everyone, I’m good with that. Even Jack, who keeps trying to make me laugh. He acts as if nothing is wrong, keeping that silly half-drunk smile on his face, hanging around me. As sweet as the guy can be, I don’t care for him right now. Seriously.

“Could you please leave me alone, Jack?” I finally cut through. He puts on this sad expression like he doesn’t understand- but wouldn’t he? He’s Alex’s best friend. I sigh and slowly shake my head. “I’m not in the spirit for this, okay? Please, just… go bother someone else.”

He pouts. “Fine,” he says after a moment. “But you should know- Alex isn’t doing any better.” And he starts off.

I open my mouth. What does he mean by that? But I don’t say anything as I press my lips together. I peak out from the kitchen and see him sitting there, in the corner. Alex not Jack, that is. He’s got his ipod plugged in and is staring at the ceiling.

He looks just like I feel. I take another long swallow of my drink before setting it down and standing up in my outfit. “I can’t believe you did this,” I sigh after a moment, watching her fix a platter of cookies.

Missy turns with an innocent expression. “What do you mean?”

I give her a meaningful look. “Missy, we’ve had more than enough fights. It… we were never meant to last. All of this was a mistake. All of it.” My words are spoken softly, not angrily. I’m not exactly mad anymore. I’m just tired of this.

“Bailey…?” She cocks her head with a worried face towards me.

I shake my head again. “I’m just going to go sleep, okay? I can’t deal with this- with any of this.”

“But, we were just going…” she trails off. “Bay, you’re my best friend.”

I manage a smile. “I know. But I can’t do this.” I slip off my jewelry and loosen my hair as I step away from the kitchen, down the hall, and to my room. I guess I’ll be moving back into it after all. I hadn’t thought I would- and right now, it doesn’t even feel like home.

Could I have ever really, honestly thought that we could last? Because now, it’s all too absurd. I close my door with a long sigh, because I really am closing myself once again off to absolutely everyone- including Missy.

Was it nice? I try to think about it as I slip the dress off. Being so much more open… it had occurred when the boys came into my life. Missy and I got along fine with everything, but when they came in, everything became… so naked and bare to everyone. It almost seems like I was happier a lot, during that time.

I can’t tell, though, not now. Did I like all those ups-and-downs more than a casual living like I had before? Nothing too dramatic, nothing too… great, I guess.

Swallowing down the rising bile, I pull on some sweats and a tank. My curled hair is bundled into something of a ponytail. Falling back onto my bed, I stare at the ceiling. I used to lie here, staring at the ceiling, and dreaming. But what did I dream of? Maybe it’s not important enough.

Even if I do stay here, what do I have? I frown, curling up to a pillow. I don’t have a job. I just have a few belongings. I do have something of a dancing degree, and quite the reputation… I roll my eyes. Nothing matters now. I just want to sleep, and pretend none of this has ever happened.

Before I can doze off, however, there’s a slight knock on my door. I freeze, wondering who it is and hoping they will just go away. There’s a pause, and I think they might have gone. But when the knock comes again, I know I was wrong.

“What?” I speak just loud enough to be heard through the door.

“Do you want to join us?” Zack offers politely. “We’re going to watch a movie.”

I stare at the door for a minute, absently wondering what he thinks of everything going on. Did Alex tell them everything? Or did he lie, to make himself sound better? I wouldn’t be surprised if he did… I press my lips together and I turn away.

“No, Zack.”

“But-”

“No, Zack,” I repeat a little louder and angrier. “I don’t want to be bothered.” And I fall quiet. I can hear him breathing there, standing and thinking about maybe coming in to talk or just to persuade me some more. Could I be persuaded? I don’t know. I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore.

But finally he leaves, and I truly feel alone.