A First
The First Last Kiss
Of all the weird emotions that people end up feeling, in Andrew’s mind the weirdest is inexplicable pride in bad things; being able to brag that you’ve never won a race on a school sports day, people who make failing an exam sound like something worth doing deliberately. Andrew felt that kind of feeling now, walking home with not many feelings at all.
His heart didn’t feel broken yet, it seemed to be held together perfectly with the promise of still being friends. The idea struck him that he should have kissed her before she said goodbye, but she had seemed too quiet and too sad. He thought that if he showed her that he was in the least bit upset about her leaving that it would be her heart that would break, that she would start crying right there in the street. Not that she was the type to cry, but he wondered if that was just his impression of her. Maybe that was the problem, that he had never properly understood her, only adored her without question. He had no idea what the problem had been. He felt a bit annoyed at how she had talked about how much she cared about him and how sweet he was when at the same time saying she was unhappy when she was with him, which made him feel worse than anything. He had wanted so much for her to be happy.
What he felt strangely proud of was that he had had a first girlfriend, and his first break-up. He was proud that there had been no disasters, no terrible arguments, and certainly no betrayal. He was proud that now somebody who knew for the most part how relationships worked, and knew how it felt when they ended. Maybe he wouldn’t feel that way once he started to miss her, but at least he could be optimistic for a short while.
When he got home a regret occurred to him, the first one apart from the fact that he should have kissed her goodbye. As stupid as it seemed, he regretted not having told his parents about her during the short time that they were together. There wasn’t any point in telling them now that he had had a girlfriend, only to have to explain to them that he didn’t any more.
He tried to think of the most idiotic silver linings that he could, and found one the minute he saw his iPod- not many of the bands he liked sang straightforward love songs, but they had enough heartbreak songs to last him a lifetime of regrets. There were definitely advantages, he thought. The question is whether or not they outweighed the major disadvantage of the person you wanted to be with forever leaving you after around two months. He thought about Valentine’s Day, and realised that with his brilliant timing he had been alone for the previous Valentine’s Day and would be alone for the next one too.
He had no time to think of advantages or regrets for the rest of the afternoon, because his friends were going for pizza, minus talking about relationships, and later on he was dragged shopping with his parents. But he gave it a few more minutes of thought that night before going to sleep, and a little bit of that inexplicable pride came into his heart again. “First Girlfriend: check.” “First Kiss: check.” “First Time Being Broken Up With By Beautiful Girl: check.” It almost didn’t seem like that bad a list of achievements, when he looked at it like that. A terrible achievement, with pretty silver linings.
His heart didn’t feel broken yet, it seemed to be held together perfectly with the promise of still being friends. The idea struck him that he should have kissed her before she said goodbye, but she had seemed too quiet and too sad. He thought that if he showed her that he was in the least bit upset about her leaving that it would be her heart that would break, that she would start crying right there in the street. Not that she was the type to cry, but he wondered if that was just his impression of her. Maybe that was the problem, that he had never properly understood her, only adored her without question. He had no idea what the problem had been. He felt a bit annoyed at how she had talked about how much she cared about him and how sweet he was when at the same time saying she was unhappy when she was with him, which made him feel worse than anything. He had wanted so much for her to be happy.
What he felt strangely proud of was that he had had a first girlfriend, and his first break-up. He was proud that there had been no disasters, no terrible arguments, and certainly no betrayal. He was proud that now somebody who knew for the most part how relationships worked, and knew how it felt when they ended. Maybe he wouldn’t feel that way once he started to miss her, but at least he could be optimistic for a short while.
When he got home a regret occurred to him, the first one apart from the fact that he should have kissed her goodbye. As stupid as it seemed, he regretted not having told his parents about her during the short time that they were together. There wasn’t any point in telling them now that he had had a girlfriend, only to have to explain to them that he didn’t any more.
He tried to think of the most idiotic silver linings that he could, and found one the minute he saw his iPod- not many of the bands he liked sang straightforward love songs, but they had enough heartbreak songs to last him a lifetime of regrets. There were definitely advantages, he thought. The question is whether or not they outweighed the major disadvantage of the person you wanted to be with forever leaving you after around two months. He thought about Valentine’s Day, and realised that with his brilliant timing he had been alone for the previous Valentine’s Day and would be alone for the next one too.
He had no time to think of advantages or regrets for the rest of the afternoon, because his friends were going for pizza, minus talking about relationships, and later on he was dragged shopping with his parents. But he gave it a few more minutes of thought that night before going to sleep, and a little bit of that inexplicable pride came into his heart again. “First Girlfriend: check.” “First Kiss: check.” “First Time Being Broken Up With By Beautiful Girl: check.” It almost didn’t seem like that bad a list of achievements, when he looked at it like that. A terrible achievement, with pretty silver linings.