So Sacrifice Yourself, and Let Me Have What's Left

I tried not to look so small and so innocent around her. I tried to act like I knew what I was doing, and that I was someone who could care less about what people thought of me when, the truth was, I had never been so scared in my life. I thought that maybe this tour would help, but, really, it made things worse. I saw how big this school really was, and how many kids really went to this school. I wrapped my arms around my waist uncomfortably, tightly pressing my notebook against my chest, staring through the windows that looked into the classes we passed.

“You know, I really have to thank you for coming today.” She said as we left the cafeteria. “I had a chemistry test today, and I totally didn’t study.” She laughed quietly.

I didn’t say anything. I had never been so scared in my life, and I wasn’t even sure why. I wish I had a twin, or something, to be there right beside me so we could both go through this horrific event in our lives and still have each other.

“You don’t talk much, you know that?” she asked, looking at me with her brown eyes.

I shrugged. “I’m just shy.” I said quietly, looking at all of the awards in the trophy case.

“Apparently.” She smiled, starting to walk down a hallway. “You sure you don’t have any questions? I’d be happy to answer.”

I couldn’t really think of anything. The only emotion I felt was pure terror. I stared up at the second story, and down those hallways. That entire hallway made up my entire sophomore class at my old school, and now my sophomore class here had over four hundred kids. This was the only setback for me, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to get used to it. I shook my head side to side, my brown hair moving slightly. “Not right now.” I said.

My guide, Gena, nodded in an understanding way. “Yeah, I guess moving in the middle of the year can really be scary, huh?” she asked, looking at my schedule that she had asked to see when we first started the tour.

“Yeah, a little.” I shrugged, holding in the urge to use sarcasm in that sentence.

Gena looked at me, and her eyes wandered to my drawing I had done on my wrist while I was waiting for her to give me the tour in the counselor’s office. “Misfits, huh?” she smiled. “My boyfriend likes that band, too.”

I smiled slightly, happy to know that I wasn’t the only crazy one in this place. She sure did talk about her boyfriend a lot, she must really like him.

“I think you should meet them.” Gena said randomly, looking back up at my face as we continued to walk down the hallway.

“Who?” I asked. I was surprised that I said that in my normal voice instead of my small, shy, quiet voice. I can’t possibly already be warming up to Gena, that usually took me months to do.

“My boyfriend and his friends,” Gena shrugged. “They’re really cool. I think you would like them. How about you come over to my house on Saturday?” she smiled.

I couldn’t believe how nice she was being. People in McKinley were nice like this, too, but they were never nice to me. They thought of me as some demon child, but Gena was actually treating me like a person, which was a first. I liked being treated like this. Maybe this is what it’s like to have a friend. “Are you sure?” I asked, a bit nervous that perhaps she was just offering and not expecting me to agree.

Gena nodded excitedly. “Of course, I’ll even have Matt pick you up. He’s the only one of them responsible enough not to total his car.” She laughed, rolling her eyes.

That sentence got me a bit jumped up. She was really going to have someone I didn’t know pick me up? Who says he would even agree to do it?

“He’s really nice, I’m sure he’ll do it.” Gena said, almost as if she could read my thoughts. “He drives a black truck, and that won’t be hard to spot in California.” She said, laughing a bit at the last part of her sentence.

I nodded, understanding a bit. If her boyfriend’s friends were as nice as she said, maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible being stuck with them on Saturday. Besides, I wouldn’t be totally alone, I would at least have Gena there, sort of as a support.

The rest of the guide went on like that, Gena telling me where things were, saying a few things about her boyfriend and his friends every once in a while, and I would listen. I didn’t say much, as I was expecting, but when I did it was like an accomplishment to Gena. I could tell I was going to be her main priority for the next few days to get me to say more than two words.

I have to admit, I did get a bit distracted from Gena’s talking and showing me where my classes were. I couldn’t help but think of him and those jade eyes of his, his jet black hair that wasn’t perfectly straight and hanging against his face, but it looked good like that, with it flying in different directions and never knowing what direction it was going to be in the next day. I laughed at myself and my thoughts a few times, telling myself to stop talking about him like I’ve known him for years. But it was hard not to, even though I’ve only seen him twice, and never said one word to him, I felt like I already knew him. It was almost killing me at the thoughts of how badly I wanted to be around him all the time, to have him know me, and, possibly, want me.

The bell rang after a while, and Gena showed me where my second period was. Honestly, I didn’t want her to leave, she was the only person I knew in this school, and we only had lunch together, which I knew was going to be a pain in the ass.

“Hi, can I help you?” the woman asked, who I guessed was the teacher, once Gena walked in and I walked shyly behind her.

“This is Candace Owens.” Gena said, gesturing towards me, which was the one thing I hated.

The woman looked at me, and her eyes widened. She was looking at me like the secretary had. It made me feel small, for some reason, and I couldn’t figure out why. Was I really that interesting for her to stare at me? I immediately looked at my feet that were covered by black shoes that had clearly been worn in many times. I was hoping she looked away when Gena started talking to her.

“You do know who she is, right?” Gena asked, eyeing the woman suspiciously.

The woman nodded, putting on a smile that I knew was obviously fake. “Yes, of course, you’re the new student.” She said, looking at me. “Welcome to Liberty, I’m Miss Brown.” She didn’t extend her hand out to me, which was a new one for me. In McKinley one wouldn’t dare not to shake hands with someone they were unfamiliar with. But, then again, I’m not in a small town anymore. I’ll just have to get used to it.

Gena looked at me and smiled. “It was nice meeting you. I’ll wait for you by the cafeteria, or else you can just tell me to fuck off if you found someone else to sit with.” She laughed, quietly saying the word ‘fuck’ so the woman, Miss Brown, wouldn’t hear her.

I nodded, the edges of my lips tugging in a smile. I was a bit disappointed that she was leaving, but, then again, I was a very independent person. I think I would manage just fine until lunch and after without her. I waved slightly after Gena did once her body was out of the classroom. She smiled once more to me, and mouthed the words ‘good luck’. That made me feel a bit better, knowing that at least someone cared even though we knew nothing about each other. Gena definitely belonged in McKinley rather than here. They all would’ve adored her.

I turned back towards Miss Brown and waited for her to say something. It would be out of my nature to say something first, even if it was just asking where would be a good place to sit. Miss Brown noticed me standing there while all of the other kids were going to their seats, and she looked back at me, the same expression on her face from the first time she saw me. “Oh, you can sit beside Catherine. She wants to be a teacher, so she’ll help you out.” She smiled, gesturing towards a girl sitting in the back row of computers in my BCIS class.

I could see her dark brown hair, and nodded, seeing the seat beside her. “Thanks.” I said quietly, making my way towards the girl that Miss Brown designated me to sit by. I tried to be as quiet as possible passing the students who were already on the computers, hoping they wouldn’t notice me. I thought I was home free, and that possibly these people weren’t as nosy as they were back in McKinley, that is, before Miss Brown had to say something.

“Everyone we have a new student!” she said, getting everyone’s attention as I sat down beside the dark haired girl. “Her name’s Candace, and I want you all to say hello to her.”
I didn’t dare look anywhere but my blank computer screen as I heard a murmur of ‘hello’s come from random people who obviously didn’t care about me, which was definitely my kind of way for people to see me as. I honestly could care less if anyone noticed me or not, just as long as they didn’t sit on me or bump into me or making any other physical contact on accident. I looked at my schedule that Gena had returned to me as the bell rang. It had my username and password on it for this class, and I typed both things in the correct areas. 151991 for username, and 06, 06, 84 for password.

It didn’t surprise me that I was the one who had to bring up the year I was born as an ultimate give away that I wasn’t as young as I seemed. Cynthia and Devin were concerned about this, and stared at me intently. I looked to be about sixteen, and, for the first time, Cynthia and Devin had to put their math skills to work. As amusing as it was to see them trying to figure out the year my appearance showed I should’ve been born, but I knew that it would be a never ending math problem for them. I told them that the year for sixteen year olds in this year would be born in nineteen eighty four, and they immediately agreed with me, knowing that I was better at math than they were.

My computer turned to its desktop, and I heard Miss Brown say something about helping me in a minute, so I waited patiently, not saying one word. I could see the girl, I guessed her name was Catherine from what Miss Brown told me, doing something on her computer in the corner of my eye. Her fingers grazed over the keyboard like it was so easy a child in kindergarten could figure it out with no problem whatsoever. She wasn’t saying anything, and I could see the wrinkles in her forehead with her green eyes squinted, meaning she was working hard on something. It caught me off guard when I heard something escape her lips.

“So you’re new, huh?” she asked, her eyes never leaving the screen and her fingers flying across the keyboard.

I nodded, but then I realized she probably didn’t see it. “Yeah.” I said softly.

“Cool, I’m Catherine. You can call me Cat.” She said, glancing over at me for a second, then back at the screen.

“I’m Candace.” I said. I didn’t have a nickname, considering I didn’t have a real family or friends to make up a name for me. Secretly I had always wanted one, because it made me think that, with a nickname, it meant that you had people who cared about you and wanted to call you something easy to say, signaling they were comfortable around me. But I didn’t have that, which made me a bit sad, but I was pretty much used to it.

“I like that name. It’s a lot better than Catherine, that’s for sure.” The girl, Catherine, laughed slightly, turning a page in her book that I figured was assigned to this class.

I shrugged. “It’s alright, I guess.” I knew she was waiting for me to say that I liked the name Catherine—which was the polite thing to do when someone complimented you, compliment them on the same thing—but I didn’t. I wasn’t someone who did things like that, because they usually started a conversation, which was the one thing I was terrible at keeping up and making sure I said all the right things. That’s why I don’t have any friends. I don’t have the personality to be given something as great as a friend.

Catherine didn’t say any more, and continued with her work. I saw Miss Brown walking up to me in the corner of my opposite eye that I could see Catherine in, and I sat back in my chair, knowing Miss Brown would take control of the keyboard and mouse while showing me whatever was needed to be shown.

“Catherine, could you please show Candace what exactly we’re doing in this class?” Miss Brown asked, not even coming near my keyboard and mouse.

Catherine nodded. “Yeah, I’ll show her right after I finish this.” She said, her dark brown hair moving across her face as she quickly looked from her screen to Miss Brown and back again.

Miss Brown nodded. “Great, and Candace,” she turned her attention to me. “Just tell me if you need a little bit more help, and I’ll gladly tell you my tutoring times. Sound good?” she asked.

I nodded, not so sure of what exactly I was getting myself into. “Yes ma’am…sounds good.” I agreed, and turned toward Catherine once Miss Brown walked away. I was really looking at the computer screen, trying to get an idea of what she was doing. It looked hard, and something that would take me weeks to understand.

I backed away slightly when Catherine looked at me quickly. But she wasn’t looking at me, her head kept moving, and stopped when her eyes met the row of computers in front of us, even though our backs were to it. “Kyle, come over here. I need your smartness.” She said, laughing slightly at the last part.

A guy, maybe a senior, looked past his computer screen and at Catherine. He had a smile on his face, and shook his head side to side. “I’m not smart, in case you haven’t noticed, I have a ‘C’ in this class.” He chuckled.

“Still, you’re better at explaining things than I am! I’ll just correct you if you’re wrong.” She said, waving her hand, telling him to come over to where she and I were.

I eyed her suspiciously, thinking that if she’s not very good at explaining things, perhaps she shouldn’t think of taking teaching courses in college. I watched as the guy, Kyle, rolled in his chair over to where Catherine and I were, and sat beside her as they both put me through a crash course of what they were doing. I began to regret not taking up the offer of staying with Devin’s parents and finish my sophomore year at my old school in McKinley instead of coming in the second month of the year in a school much bigger than the one in McKinley and not having any idea if the students here were learning the same things that the students in McKinley High School were learning. I wasn’t paying attention to most of the things Catherine and Kyle were trying to teach me, mainly because I didn’t need it. I was pretty good at trying things out and figuring how they worked after a while.

“Did that make any sense to you?” Kyle asked, clearly noticing that I wasn’t paying any attention.

I shrugged. “More or less.” I said, and pressed my lips together, not wanting to say anything else.

“Maybe once you do a practice you’ll get it.” Catherine smiled, and then telling Kyle he could go back to his seat.

I shrugged and heard Miss Brown say something about me doing the practices in chapter eleven so I can get the hang of what they were all doing. I did as I was told, and flipped through the pages in the book that was beside my computer until the blue writing in the corner opposite side of the page numbers read ‘chapter 11’. I placed the book back down and read through the practices, repeating them on my computer in the program Microsoft Access, making sure I didn’t say one word the entire class period, which seemed to go on forever.

My other two periods went on in that routine. The teacher would ask if I was the new student, I would nod, and then they would tell me where to sit and I would try to follow with what that teacher was saying while the other students acted like it was no big deal, but, then again, why would they? They knew what was going on from the day before, when I wasn’t here. It amazed me that my other two teachers stared at me just like the secretary and Miss Brown had. A few students had done the same as well. It couldn’t be because of the way I was dressed, because most of them were dressed just like that as well, so what was so special about me? I tried to ignore the looks, but there were times where I would catch myself looking at the other person who was staring at me at the time as well. Their eyes would be wide, and their mouth slightly open. That was usually the guys’ facial expressions; the girls were a bit different. It was almost as if they had a hint of envy in their eye. But that couldn’t be. Why would they be jealous of me? I wasn’t pretty, so why was everyone looking at me like this? It made me uncomfortable, and kept my arms tightly crossed across my stomach. It gave me some type of security, and made me forget those pairs of eyes staring at me for what long period of time I had with them.

The bell for lunch rang, and I felt a bit better about my day. I would be able to see Gena, the one person who didn’t see me as some type of alien life form. I followed a large group of kids that were in my class that looked like they knew where they were going. I was right—soon enough I was walking down the same hallway Gena showed me that led into the cafeteria. I smiled slightly at the sight of the sandy blonde girl leaning against the brick wall. She saw me, and the same smile appeared on her face that she never seemed to be able to wipe off her pink lips.

“Hi!” she said excitedly in her normal high pitched voice. “You’ve made it through half the day without a scratch!” she laughed, linking arms with mine and leading me towards a group of kids walking through a door.

Before I knew it, I was in the cafeteria line. Only this line was different. I could see two plates of either large cheese or pepperoni pizza. That was fine with me. I wasn’t so fond of school lunches, so I was capable of living with pizza.

“So, how’s your day been?” Gena asked, placing a steaming pepperoni pizza onto her plate.

I shrugged. “For a first day, it’s been going pretty good.” I said, placing a cheese pizza onto my plate and followed Gena to a woman pressing buttons and looking to see what the kids had on their plates. Gena showed the food she had gotten, and the woman nodded.

“Tell her you’re a new kid.” Gena said in my ear before stepping aside so the woman was looking at me.

“Uh, I’m new.” I said quietly.

The woman nodded. “Name?” she asked in a shrill voice.

“Uhm…Candace Owens.” I mumbled loud enough for her to hear.

The woman nodded once more and looked at the food I had in my plate. “Thank you.” she said, turning her attention to the kid behind me.

I took that as my signal, and I walked beside Gena out of the room and into the over crowded lunch room. I was expecting Gena to walk to a table full of other girls but, to my surprise, she gestured me to follow her out of the cafeteria. I gave her a strange look, and she shrugged. I guessed she would tell me if I didn’t figure it out by the time we got to where we were going. I walked behind Gena as we exited the cafeteria and into the now empty hallway.

“I’m gonna have to sit here for a while.” Gena said, sliding on the wall until she was seated on the floor.

I followed, and kept my distance as I sat beside Gena. I took a small bite of my cheese pizza after I opened my Gatorade bottle. I waited for her to tell me why we were sitting alone in the hallway. I knew better than to push things, and I also knew that she would tell me if she wanted to. I took another bite of my pizza and I heard Gena take a breath.

“I guess you’re wondering why we’re eating out here.” She asked, laughing under her breath.

I shrugged. “It doesn’t really bother me.”

“Well, I kinda got in a fight with this one bitch that sits at my table.” Gena said, saying the word ‘bitch’ harshly. “And all my “friends” sided with her instead of me, so I’m basically banned from there until things cool down between me and her, which I doubt will be any time soon.” She said, using finger quotes for the word ‘friends’.

“Oh.” Was all I said as I took a sip of my drink. I wasn’t very good at comforting people, or giving good advice. I was pretty much useless for Gena’s problem.

Gena laughed once. “Wow, you’re not trying to know all the details.” She looked at me, and I returned the look. “I like you already. You definitely need to meet the guys. They’ll love you.”

I smiled a bit wider than what I usually did. It was the first time anyone actually took my quietness and shyness as a good thing, instead of thinking I was a snob or didn’t care about life. Maybe this was what it was like to have a friend.

“No one’s ever talked to you this much, huh?” Gena asked, noticing my change in facial expressions. I shook my head side to side, and Gena laughed. “Are you serious? But you seem so cool.”

My smiled widened. I couldn’t believe someone was saying such nice things to me. I liked this feeling, and I couldn’t help but want more of it. I talked a bit more throughout the rest of the lunch period, much to Gena’s happiness. For a second, I let myself believe that she did things like this all the time, and that she saw me as a charity-case. But, at the same time, I couldn’t believe it. No one had ever been this nice to me, true, so I wasn’t supposed to know the difference between nice and pity. I didn’t mind though, and, in my mind, if Gena was faking being nice, I was alright with it, just as long as the ending of this ‘friendship’ didn’t end up badly.

“Have a nice rest of the day.” Gena smiled as she walked me to my next class after the lunch bell rang once more, signaling we had to go back to our classes.

“Thanks.” I said a bit louder than usual, walking through the door. The people already there were sprawled out in random places, some sitting on desks, looking down at the people who were sitting in the seats. I looked at the lady at the desk who was staring at her computer screen. I guessed she was the teacher, and I walked up to her.

She smiled once she saw me. “Are you Candace?” she asked. I was slightly surprised that she wasn’t staring at me like all of my other teachers, and nodded. “Great, I’m Mrs. Goldman, and you can pretty much sit wherever you want. I don’t give out assigned seats.” She said, gagging playfully.

I smiled slightly the way I usually do. I figured I was only going to smile wider around Gena, and act the same around everyone else. That was fine with me, just as long as Gena wasn’t being nice to me for pity. I took a seat in the back, in the corner, as I waited for the bell to ring.
Once it did, Mrs. Goldman got up from her chair and looked at all of her students. “Alright, well, I pretty much had a bit too much fun last night, so, once again, today’s a free day. Just don’t be too loud and we’ll be great.” She said, sitting back down on her chair, taking a sip of water.

The rest of the kids went back to talking to each other, while I sat alone, not saying anything. While I was staring at my hands that were placed on my desk, I began to think of him. I thought of what it would be like to have my hand placed in his as we walked together, smiling and happy. Then he would press those plush lips of his against mine, since it was something we did all the time as a couple. I smiled at the thought of what it would be like to have his arms wrapped around my waist, holding me tightly in his arms, and what it would be like for him to whisper ‘I love you’ in my hair. I bit my lip as my thoughts traveled deeper into darker thoughts of things that would never happen, but it was just like me to think about it. I crossed one leg over the other, laughing quietly to myself at how foolish I was sounding. I couldn’t believe I was thinking these thoughts and he was in them right with me. I sounded like a little girl who had just met someone and hadn’t said not even one word to him. I felt like a little girl, to be honest. It made me happy thinking about him, and what it would be like to be with him.

I jumped slightly when the last bell of the day rang. I got up and followed the rest of the kids in my classroom out and down the hallways. I looked for Gena, but didn’t find any sight of her. I walked back out the way I came, and looked for either Cynthia or Devin’s car, which Leana might still be the driver of. I waited, leaning against one of the pillars holding up the front of the school, watching the cars as they passed by once they picked up the students they were looking for.

A sandy blonde girl passed by me in the corner of my eye, and I looked over in her direction, seeing Gena walk over to a car. I smiled slightly, about to walk over to her, that is, before I stopped dead in my tracks once I saw who picked Gena up.

He draped his arm over Gena’s shoulders, pressing his plush lips against her cheek, causing her to smile like crazy. He had a slight smirk playing on his face as Gena stood on the tips of her toes so her lips could meet his. She placed her hand on the back of his neck, barely touching his black hair that shined brightly against the California sun.

My heart sank at the sight of the two. It was just my luck that Gena would be dating the god next door that I couldn’t stop thinking of. Perhaps it was just my mind playing tricks on me when I saw a figure standing on my balcony, and perhaps he was just staring at me because of how unbelievably ugly I was, and he could never see what he sees in someone like Gena, who’s perfect, compared to me.

“Candace!” a voice yelled, causing me to tear my eyes away from the two that were getting into a red car. I saw an unfamiliar car parked behind me, but I could see the familiar face of Leana sitting in the driver’s seat, clearly irritated. “I said your name like, eight times, what the hell is wrong with you?” she asked as I made my way towards the passenger side of the car, seeing the red car Gena and the god got into drive away from the school as I planted my bum on the passengers seat of Leana’s new car.

“I didn’t hear you.” I mumbled, staring out the window as Leana started to drive out of the school parking lot.

“Well, maybe you should listen better next time. I have plans tonight, so I have to get ready as soon as possible!” Leana exclaimed, turning up the volume on the radio so loud my ears started to ring.

I didn’t say anything, mainly because the radio was so loud, but also because I couldn’t believe what I had just seen. It made sense why he didn’t do anything, or didn’t say anything, because he had a girlfriend—a perfect, more outgoing, and way prettier girlfriend that I could only dream of being like. I wasn’t sure why I was reacting the way I was, but it didn’t really surprise me. I forced the tears back down my throat after I felt them swell in my eyes. Right when I thought that moving here wasn’t such a bad thing, something like that has to bring me back into the harsh reality.

No matter where I go, no matter who I meet, I’ll never be happy.