So Sacrifice Yourself, and Let Me Have What's Left

Perhaps it’s just me, which it usually is, but it doesn’t make much sense when you get right down to it. You can admire someone who’s as gorgeous as anything you’ve ever seen all you want from afar, thinking that there’s no way they could be anymore beautiful, that is, until you see them up close. I’m not sure what caused me to do this, but I’m glad I did. The minute my eyes met him I looked away, not wanting to give any type of information that could send Gena into an outrage.

I was staring down at my black shoes as Gena began to speak, hoping not being forced to make eye contact with him. “Everyone, this is Candace.” Gena said, her hand on my back, gently pushing me forward.

I lifted my head a bit, looking through my hair hanging over my green eyes, as I saw four men standing before me. Matt was beside me, leaning against the wall, while I was introduced to the others. They either smiled or said ‘hey’, and I, being as antisocial as I am, lifted the corners of my lips in what I thought as a smile, and did nothing more. I could see him in the corner of my eye, and he was looking at me. I didn’t want him to see me, to be honest. I wanted him to completely ignore me, telling me that there was no chance in even thinking about being with him. I think I would be much better if that’s how things were. But, no, he was looking right at me, giving me his complete attention, as Gena said each of the guys’ names.

“This is Jimmy,” she started, pointing at a very tall guy with his hair sticking about two feet up in the air, almost as if it was stretching towards the heavens. He looked like he smiled a lot, that I could see from the permanent wrinkles on the corners of his lips that looked like any minute now he was going to burst into laughter.

“This is Johnny,” Gena said, pointing towards a guy, who was much shorter in comparison to the others. He looked to be younger than them as well, perhaps about my age, with short black hair and a nose ring. I wasn’t such a fan about the nose ring, considering I’m terrified of needles, but it didn’t bother me as much on him.

“This is Brian,” Gena said, gesturing towards yet another guy. He had striking features; his jawline was so perfectly designed it was almost unbelievable. His eyes were a warm chocolate brown color, only they had a hint of evil in them, almost as if he was up to something. I wouldn’t doubt that from the way he was standing. His arms were folded across his chest, which was puffing out proudly.

My heart began to pick up its pace in beats as I realized who the next person Gena was going to introduce me to was. “And this is Zacky.” She said, gesturing towards the god. I couldn’t help it. I lifted my head all the way, and our eyes met. He was beautiful, too beautiful. Something had to be wrong with him. He couldn’t possibly be human with his jade orbs, his milky white skin, his black hair that was slightly straighter than all the other times I’ve seen him, and his perfect body that I wanted to be pressed against mine so desperately like in my dream, when we were one. I chewed on the inside of my lip as I looked back into his eyes that were still, to my surprise, looking back into mine as well. It felt like the whole universe, every planet, every star, every living thing, everything with a beating heart and could breathe stopped to watch the two of us. It felt like I could have stared at him forever, admiring him and all of his beauty, and something told me that he could do the same for me. We didn’t speak, mainly because we didn’t have to. It was as if we were speaking to each other in our minds through our eyes, although I didn’t hear any words from him. He just oozed perfect, and it killed me knowing that I couldn’t have him.

The guys must’ve noticed this moment we were sharing, because they were looking back and forth from my face to the god’s, but Gena didn’t seem to notice. She looked at me and smiled. “Welcome to my house, make yourself at home, I’m used to people eating my food.”

“Jimmy.” The short guy, Johnny, coughed. The tall guy, Jimmy, slapped Johnny upside the head. “Ow!” Johnny cried.

“You had it coming, short shit.” Jimmy shrugged, turning his back to the rest of us and walking into the kitchen, looking through the pantry for something to eat.

Gena and the guys ended up migrating towards the living room, taking their own spots on the couch or chairs that were provided. I followed, not so sure if this was such a good idea as I thought, as I looked for a place to sit.

“You can sit here.” Matt said, gesturing to the spot beside him on the red couch.

I walked over to him, noticing that this particular spot was the farthest away from the god, who I guess I should start calling Zacky, and sat down beside Matt, keeping my distance. I pulled on my sleeves back to where my fingers could have a grip of the sleeve on the arm that my hand was attached to, hiding my scars and tattoo.

Matt noticed this once more, and shook his head side to side. “You shouldn’t be afraid to show them.” He said softly so I was the only one who heard it while everyone else was talking to each other. “We understand. Well, I do.”

I nodded, signaling I understood, but kept my sleeves touching my fingers. It was nice of Matt to understand, but I knew that the others wouldn’t. He seemed like someone who went through those kinds of things as well, but I wasn’t going to show him my scars, or my tattoo, even though, from what I saw for about two seconds while we were getting out of his truck, he had a few himself.

“Matt! Stop flirting with the new chick!” Jimmy exclaimed, stuffing potato chips in his mouth.
“I wasn’t flirting with her.” Matt stated, his arm rested behind the part of the couch that my back was pressed against.

“I’m telling Val.” Gena smirked, her arm around Zacky’s neck as she sat in his lap and he had one arm behind her back, the other on her thighs.

I tried not to look, and laugh along with everyone else as Matt stood up, taking his phone out and walking out of the house, probably to tell this Val girl, who I’m guessing is his girlfriend, before Gena could. As much as I tried to fit in and talk with everyone who was talking to me, I couldn’t help but feel my heart sink at the sight of Gena and Zacky. It was like he was happy being with her, as he should be, but I wanted him to be happy with me. I wanted him to want me. I know it probably doesn’t make sense to logical people who think you have to get to know someone before you can fall in love with them. But something different happened with me. The minute I saw him I loved him. I knew it was love, because I was holding back a smile just looking at him. My heart would always swell at the sight of him, and then sink while Gena would walk right into his arms. I looked away when he looked at me, not wanting him to think I was some crazed stalker.

“Are you alright?” Brian asked, looking at me intently when he noticed the look on my face.
I nodded, looking away from him as well, and down at my hands. My mouth stayed shut, not daring letting even the slightest word escape, as I listened to everyone else’s conversations. Brian gave me a strange look, even though I couldn’t see it, I could feel it. I was used to people looking at me like the way he probably was, and they normally just ignored me.

“You don’t talk much, huh?” Brian asked, which was a new one for someone to actually want to talk to me after they looked at me like I was some person who belonged in a straight jacket.

I looked up slightly, looking at him through my dark brown hair. I shook my head side to side slightly. “Not really.” I admitted, not expecting him to say anything else.

“We can change that!” Jimmy smiled, stuffing more potato chips into his mouth and Gena stared at him.

“How do you not get fat?” she asked, her arm still draped behind Zacky’s neck. “You eat constantly!”

“I have a fast metabolism.” Jimmy stated proudly, puffing his chest out as he stuffed another handful of chips into his mouth.

“That was a pretty big word, Jim.” Brian said, clearly impressed that Jimmy said the word ‘metabolism’.

“Bet he can’t spell it.” Matt chuckled, walking into the living room and sitting down on the red couch next to me like he was before he left.

“Candace.” Gena called, getting my attention. “You look different.” She said, staring at me intently, almost as if she was trying to figure me out in some way. “Did you get your hair cut?”
Something told me that Gena would notice my change in appearance, although I wasn’t expecting her to guess it had something to do with my hair. I shook my head, not able to say anything with the god looking at me. Even though he was looking at me for the same reason everyone else was, I wanted to believe that he was looking at me because he wanted to, not because Gena had acknowledged my existence, making everyone else notice me as well.

“N-no.” I finally managed to say, even though my tone of voice was slightly higher with everyone looking at me.

Gena lifted her slender shoulders up and down in a shrug, turning back to her boyfriend, the god. He said something to her that I couldn’t hear, being as far away as I was, and she smiled, with her cheeks turning a light shade of red. Zacky smirked, which was the only thing I’ve seen him to that was close to a smile, and pressed his plush lips against her soft cheek.

I bit my lower lip at the sight of this. I began to feel stupid for thinking that Zacky could ever find interest in me. I didn’t look anything like the beautiful sandy-blonde haired girl that was sitting in his lap. I began to think that it might have been my imagination that made me think that I was the Beauty in the Mirror, or that Zacky and I shared a moment when Gena had introduced us. I’m just a stupid, foolish little girl who thinks that she’s going to have her happy ending.

“Stop making out in front of new people!” Brian exclaimed, throwing a pillow at Zacky and Gena who, before the pillow hit them, were sharing a kiss.

“If you two are gonna fuck, then get a room! No one wants to see that.” Jimmy laughed, leaning back in his chair that he was sitting on, his bag of potato chips still in his hand.
“You’re just jealous!” Zacky laughed, holding Gena tightly against him.

His angelic voice rang through my eardrums over and over again. His words were true, even though he didn’t say them to me. I was jealous. I was jealous of the fact that Gena got to have the man that I so desperately needed. I was jealous that Gena was prettier than I could ever wish to be. I was jealous of everyone around me. They got to live normal lives and have friends and live their life the way they’re supposed to. I wasn’t sure why I was given the life I was, or why I am the way I am, being shy and too afraid to open up to people while everyone else is having fun, laughing, making jokes about each other, I’m sitting here, not saying one word, and letting people forget about the sad, pathetic little girl moping in the corner.

A steady pulse began to beat in my left wrist, and I knew the Perfect Ones were going to begin the Chant. I didn’t want to be around everyone when I started to hear voices in my head and going into mass hysteria, knowing that they would all think I was crazy and not want to be around me any longer. I excused myself unexpectedly, although I didn’t say anything, earning strange looks from everyone in the room, as I made my way to the kitchen. I stood behind the wall separating the kitchen from the living room, the pulse beating in rhythm against my skin on my left wrist. Knowing that no one cared enough to check up on me to make sure I was alright, I lifted the sleeve covering my left wrist to where it was exposing a good portion of the scars decorating my wrist. They were a light pink color against my beige skin. Me eyes widened when I saw the pink lines pumping up and down from my skin as the pulse kept up to its beat. I knew that the addiction was growing, and it wasn’t going to stop, even if I got down on my knees and pleaded desperately with tears flowing down my cheeks. My fingertips traced over the pink lines. It gave me some sense of control, almost if I had found the key to peace. My scars lifted my pain away, and I had to do this over and over until I was completely happy and not afraid to be around people, and not afraid of talking to the god.

“You shouldn’t do that.” A voice said dangerously close to me, causing me to jump and immediately shove my sleeve so it was covering my scars as the pulse began to die away.
Once my scars were invisible, covered by a black fabric that was the sleeve of my jacket, I turned to face whoever it was that had discovered me. I tried not to let my breathing become uneven at the sight of him. He was only a few feet away from me, and I could smell the cologne he was wearing, and he smelled the way I expected him to smell, heavenly. His jade orbs were not looking into mine like they usually did, this time they were looking at my left wrist that was now hidden behind my jacket. He did not look very happy at what he had just found out, and a strange feeling ran through my body. I felt like I had to make him happy again and that I had to turn that disapproving frown into a smile.

“It’s not good for you, even if you think it is.” He said, causing my heart to jump at the sound of his voice escape his lips in such a smooth velvet way it seemed almost impossible. I wasn’t even listening to what he had said. All I could hear was his beautiful voice that was like a song that needed to be sung to everyone who was down on themselves.

I looked down shamefully, thinking about what I great first impression I had made on him. He found out that I was a cutter, and now he was probably going to think I was some kind of freak of nature and I fucked up all of my chances of having him at least like me as a friend, even though I wanted so much more.

“Does anyone know?” he asked, looking from my wrist to my eyes, and we had that moment once more. You couldn’t tell in our facial expressions, but on the inside we felt the same. I could tell he was feeling it because it was like he was giving off his wave of emotions, headed directly towards me. I liked this feeling. It made me feel like I had a chance with a god, even though deep down inside I knew that it was a one in a million chance.

I figured now was my turn to speak, and somehow I managed to do it. I didn’t look directly into his eyes, because I discovered that it was when I looked into those sparkling jade green eyes of his that made me so speechless. I looked at his plush lips, which only made me weak in the knees instead of mute. “N-no.” I stuttered quietly, but I knew he heard me. “I u-used to do this,” I gestured toward my hidden wrist. “B-but I st-stopped when my p-parents found me…” I shamefully looked back up into his eyes, and he was listening to every word I had said.

“What made you start again?” he asked with a bit of sympathy in his voice. He reached up to gently push a bit of his black hair out of his face that had fallen, covering his beautiful eyes, only for them to be exposed once more to my naïve self. He leaned against the wall that was separating the kitchen from the living room, looking at me, waiting for my response.

I didn’t want to tell him the truth, because I had a feeling that he was going to further his beliefs on me being crazy. If I told him the real reason for why I was cutting, he would think I was a crazed stalker that stared at him like an idiot. He was the reason why I had a relapse, and why I felt the pulse against my wrist, and why the Perfect Ones began their Chant every time I began to think of him. It was all because of him, and how desperately I wanted to be with him. “Uh, w-well, with the m-moving and everything, life’s been pretty st-stressful.” I lied, looking down at the ground.

“You know, you could always talk to someone about it.” Zacky tried, looking back down at my covered wrist. “I understand that the whole moving to another place and making new friends can be stressful, but you shouldn’t hurt yourself because of it.” his jade orbs found their way back to mine, and the feeling grew between us once more.

I wished I could’ve told him the real reason, and that he didn’t have any idea of what he was talking about. I was almost sure that his life was perfect, just like everyone else that was still in the living room. I could hear their conversations, and I had a feeling that they had forgotten that Zacky and I were in the kitchen, which was fine with me. I didn’t want them to get suspicious and come in here only to discover my problem that the god had recently discovered and was trying to talk me out of doing. Normally, I would’ve yelled at the person who was trying to tell me that it wasn’t right of what I was doing. But I couldn’t yell at Zacky, there was no way I could build up the anger. He always made me so nervous that I would stutter, which only happened when I was around people that I didn’t know or wasn’t comfortable with.

“I know you probably think I’m crazy.” Zacky said, gaining my attention back. “And thinking of how I’m telling you to stop when I don’t have any right to tell you to stop something I don’t understand.” I was amazed at how spot on he was. It was like he could read my mind. “But I do know how you feel.” He then turned his body, gesturing towards the wall he was leaning against. I understood what he was doing, and that he was really gesturing towards everyone in the living room. “None of us are perfect, we all know how you feel.”

His words made me think differently. Perhaps I was wrong, once again, about them. Maybe they did understand me, and that they weren’t going to think I’m crazy because I don’t talk a lot, or because I don’t like being around people as much as I should. Something told me that Gena would think that way, but not the guys I had just met. They dressed somewhat like me, and everyone who dresses like me usually understands the way I am, and they don’t judge me for it.

“If you don’t mind me asking, when did you start?” Zacky asked, causing me to look from the wall back to him. His eyes were full of concern, almost as if he cared about me. This was a new one for me, considering I never had anyone care for me because they wanted to. I liked this, to be honest and, as unhealthy as it seems, I became greedy because of it.

“Last night.” I whispered, and, by the way he reacted, he could hear me. His chest stiffened a bit, almost as if he was holding in a gasp, and he stared at me with wide eyes under furrowed brows. The pulse began to beat against my skin, afraid of what Zacky was gong to do.

“But, how could you, I was watch—“ Zacky stopped unexpectedly, and the rest of his body stiffened as well.

I looked up at him, and our eyes met. Instead of concern, his eyes had a new emotion—shock. He looked at me, and I had a feeling of what he was thinking. He was hoping that I didn’t hear what he had said, although I didn’t understand why he would care if I heard him or not. His plush lips pursed, keeping his mouth shut from letting any other words escape, and I stared at him with confusion. “What?” I asked, wanting to know why he was acting the way he was.

Zacky didn’t say anything, and he turned his neck, almost as if his name had been called. But I didn’t hear anything. He gave me one last look, and walked out of the kitchen, leaving me to stand there dumbfounded, the pulse beating away.

Perhaps it’s just me, which it usually is, but it doesn’t make sense when you get right down to it. My sight is usually impeccable, and I never see things that aren’t there. But, then again, with my mind working the way it did when I was around Zacky, it could have shown my eyes something that my mind wanted the rest of me to believe I saw. But I knew it couldn’t be true, because I was so desperate to believe that Zacky could really want me that I made myself think I saw a familiar symbol on his right wrist as he walked back into the living room to join back into his friends, his normal friends, conversations and to have Gena sit back on his lap, while I would stand here once more, like the belated baboon I am, thinking that what I saw wasn’t real, and that it couldn’t be true that Zacky understood me more than I could ever know.