Hum Hallelujah
iPalabra a tu madre!
Hey there! I’m the Jew from that band you all know but won’t admit you like. The spastic guitar player that people only pay attention to because of the Jew-fro? Yeah, that’s me! And I have a real name. It’s Joseph, call-me-Joe-not-Joey Troman.
Well anyway, even though I’m a Super-Jew, the band’s on tour right now so I couldn’t talk to my family’s rabbi. Like I would anyway; I’m so rebellious and hardcore. But I did need to talk to someone who didn’t know me about something that happened last night. So, I found a church. A big Catholic cathedral, to be exact. I didn’t believe anything the bishop would say would help, but hopefully just talking about it would make me feel better.
Boy, was I right, but in the wrongest way.
So I get to the church, right? And I find the confessional booths and get in one. The bishop wasn’t in the other one yet. Soon, somebody else gets in the booth next to mine. I was about to start explaining my situation until the other figure starting talking, saying the “forgive me Father for I have sinned” crap you see on bad TV shows. It was a girl! Now I don’t know about you, but I ain’t ever heard of a girly bishop.
Anyway, she started explaining why she was in the confessional, even though it was totally my turn to talk, right? Here’s her story:
“Ok, so I really don’t know how this goes. I used to be Catholic but I quit when I was 11 ‘cause I realized that I was way too hardcore for that religion shit. Oops, sorry about that dude.” Holy crap we’re like soul mates! Wait…. I think I recognize that voice.
“Yeah, but some stuff went down last night that I need some words of wisdom about. Since I don’t know any old Chinese guys with epic beards, you’ll just have to do. See I went to a concert. It was my first in a while, so I went all out. Backstage passes, money for merch, my notebook and a few sharpies, everything. The show was great. They played a lot of the old stuff that I absolutely love. The bassist was a bit of an asshole (Sorry again) but the guitarist made up for it. He was so concentrated on what he was doing- like he really loved it. It was inspiring. A fucking religious experience, watching him was. Oh crap, I did it again! Wow, I’m awful at this whole confession thingamabobber. Yeah, but after their set I got backstage. First I went to the merch table so they’d have more stuff to sign for me. Then I found where they were set up and hung out with them. You probably don’t want to know the details, but it was one of the greatest things I’ve ever let myself do. I got to talk to their guitarist and we kinda hit it off. They had an off day next, so they took me with them out partying for some reason. Why me, I’ll never know. I mean, I’m so plain and dumpy.”
I knew who this was! This was the girl who never told us her name, my own Cinderella story. She…. She was the one for me. I knew it in my cold, tortured, emo soul. She lit up my world, not like a candle, but like a fucking lighthouse. So bright she almost blinds me with her power, but then she’s gone, shining somewhere else for a while. But now she’s back pointing at me and I won’t let her turn ever again. I won’t lose the love of my love like I lost the last one. Or the one before that. Or… you get the picture, yeah? Oh! She’s still talking!
“So yeah, we got totally wasted… I think. I wasn’t all that drunk so I could still tell what was going on. I don’t know about him though. But he was totally hitting on me. Like, for Super serious. It was really quite flattering. And I reciprocated, of course. Wouldn’t you? Oh… maybe not, eh? But we eventually made it out of the bar and… did some stuff. We went to his hotel room. I woke up this morning before he did and ran. No note or anything. I don’t know why I was so scared. He doesn’t even know my name. But I regret it now. They’ve probably left for the next town already, so I’ll never see him again. Not in person at least. Why did I have to be so stupid?”
At this point I figured I should probably say something, right? “Child,” I was nearly cracking up already, “Seek and ye shall find, right? So, he’s hiding, go seek!” Yeah, that was the worst preacherly advice I’d ever heard. She seemed to accept it though.
“Oh, okay, yeah. I should have done that earlier. Yeah, you’re totally right. Thanks, dude!”
I heard her get out of the confessional booth, so I got out too. She took one look at me and screamed like a fangirl. I grabbed her and kissed her quiet until she was calm again. We stayed like that, foreheads and noses touching, until the guys busted into the church and ran up to us. They were all happy I’d found my dream girl again, except for Patrick. He kept staring at her in such a weird way…. Oh well, she’s mine now, Forever and Always. I asked her if she wanted to come on tour with us and she said yes, even though that would mean she had to leave everything behind her when we left later today. We did let her go home and pack a few bags, but we had to leave! Right as we were pulling out of the hotel parking lot in the tour bus, Andy had the brilliant idea to finally ask: “So….What’s your name?” It was Mary Sue, of course.
Well anyway, even though I’m a Super-Jew, the band’s on tour right now so I couldn’t talk to my family’s rabbi. Like I would anyway; I’m so rebellious and hardcore. But I did need to talk to someone who didn’t know me about something that happened last night. So, I found a church. A big Catholic cathedral, to be exact. I didn’t believe anything the bishop would say would help, but hopefully just talking about it would make me feel better.
Boy, was I right, but in the wrongest way.
So I get to the church, right? And I find the confessional booths and get in one. The bishop wasn’t in the other one yet. Soon, somebody else gets in the booth next to mine. I was about to start explaining my situation until the other figure starting talking, saying the “forgive me Father for I have sinned” crap you see on bad TV shows. It was a girl! Now I don’t know about you, but I ain’t ever heard of a girly bishop.
Anyway, she started explaining why she was in the confessional, even though it was totally my turn to talk, right? Here’s her story:
“Ok, so I really don’t know how this goes. I used to be Catholic but I quit when I was 11 ‘cause I realized that I was way too hardcore for that religion shit. Oops, sorry about that dude.” Holy crap we’re like soul mates! Wait…. I think I recognize that voice.
“Yeah, but some stuff went down last night that I need some words of wisdom about. Since I don’t know any old Chinese guys with epic beards, you’ll just have to do. See I went to a concert. It was my first in a while, so I went all out. Backstage passes, money for merch, my notebook and a few sharpies, everything. The show was great. They played a lot of the old stuff that I absolutely love. The bassist was a bit of an asshole (Sorry again) but the guitarist made up for it. He was so concentrated on what he was doing- like he really loved it. It was inspiring. A fucking religious experience, watching him was. Oh crap, I did it again! Wow, I’m awful at this whole confession thingamabobber. Yeah, but after their set I got backstage. First I went to the merch table so they’d have more stuff to sign for me. Then I found where they were set up and hung out with them. You probably don’t want to know the details, but it was one of the greatest things I’ve ever let myself do. I got to talk to their guitarist and we kinda hit it off. They had an off day next, so they took me with them out partying for some reason. Why me, I’ll never know. I mean, I’m so plain and dumpy.”
I knew who this was! This was the girl who never told us her name, my own Cinderella story. She…. She was the one for me. I knew it in my cold, tortured, emo soul. She lit up my world, not like a candle, but like a fucking lighthouse. So bright she almost blinds me with her power, but then she’s gone, shining somewhere else for a while. But now she’s back pointing at me and I won’t let her turn ever again. I won’t lose the love of my love like I lost the last one. Or the one before that. Or… you get the picture, yeah? Oh! She’s still talking!
“So yeah, we got totally wasted… I think. I wasn’t all that drunk so I could still tell what was going on. I don’t know about him though. But he was totally hitting on me. Like, for Super serious. It was really quite flattering. And I reciprocated, of course. Wouldn’t you? Oh… maybe not, eh? But we eventually made it out of the bar and… did some stuff. We went to his hotel room. I woke up this morning before he did and ran. No note or anything. I don’t know why I was so scared. He doesn’t even know my name. But I regret it now. They’ve probably left for the next town already, so I’ll never see him again. Not in person at least. Why did I have to be so stupid?”
At this point I figured I should probably say something, right? “Child,” I was nearly cracking up already, “Seek and ye shall find, right? So, he’s hiding, go seek!” Yeah, that was the worst preacherly advice I’d ever heard. She seemed to accept it though.
“Oh, okay, yeah. I should have done that earlier. Yeah, you’re totally right. Thanks, dude!”
I heard her get out of the confessional booth, so I got out too. She took one look at me and screamed like a fangirl. I grabbed her and kissed her quiet until she was calm again. We stayed like that, foreheads and noses touching, until the guys busted into the church and ran up to us. They were all happy I’d found my dream girl again, except for Patrick. He kept staring at her in such a weird way…. Oh well, she’s mine now, Forever and Always. I asked her if she wanted to come on tour with us and she said yes, even though that would mean she had to leave everything behind her when we left later today. We did let her go home and pack a few bags, but we had to leave! Right as we were pulling out of the hotel parking lot in the tour bus, Andy had the brilliant idea to finally ask: “So….What’s your name?” It was Mary Sue, of course.
♠ ♠ ♠
I got in a silly mood and poof! Hope I got a few chuckles, yes?