You're So Guilty, It's Disgusting.

But nothing seems important anymore,
We’re just protecting ourselves from our self.

“No, please don’t jump!” My mother shouted as I climbed out of my window, 15 stories up, in our two bedroom apartment in Long Island, NY.

I stared down at the ground and felt my heart beat faster. People had quickly gathered around my apartment as soon as news spread I wanted to die. I heard gasps, screams, and sirens, they all sounded drowned out and quiet in my head, though.

Let’s go back to where this all started.

My phone alarm went off, to wake me up for school, with the song, “Set Phasers To Stun” by Taking Back Sunday.
I groaned a long groan and sat up slowly.
I opened my bedside drawer and pulled out a pre-rolled blunt and a lighter. I lit the blunt and inhaled the sweet smoke. I immediately felt relief and scratched my hairline. When I was finished, and felt ready, I walked over to my closet, and picked out my clothes for the day. I chose a pair of tight, dark wash pants, with a plain, dark green t-shirt.
My stomach grumbled and I went down the hallway to my kitchen. My mother had made eggs, hash browns, toast and bacon, which meant her and her boyfriend had either gotten in a fight or broke up, again. She always cooks enormous breakfasts the nights after her big arguments.

“Hi, Adam!” She said all cheery, when I knew she was hurting inside.
“Hi, mom.” I said in a not-so-cheery way.
“What’s wrong?” She pretended to care.
“Nothing, I’m tired.” I said as I sat down in my usual chair by the sliding door on our small balcony. I quickly ate my breakfast, and avoided any conversations she tried to have with me.

I got up from my chair, and went to the bathroom, and shut the door behind me, so I could look in the long mirror. I examined my outfit. It shaped my slender but tall figure, fairly well. I ruffled my long, dark, brown hair, and wiped the sleep away from my big, electric blue eyes. A drawn out sigh breathed through my lungs and I opened the door, only to find my mother staring back at me. I stared back at her, “What now, mom?”, I said.
“Adam, stop treating me like I’m an awful person!” She shook her head in anger.
“Sorry, mom.” I said trying to get past her. She wouldn’t get out of the way.
“No, you’re not going to school until you tell me the meaning of this.” She held up blunt rolling paper, half used.
I coughed, “It’s-” She wouldn’t let me finish my sentence.
“You’re high right now, aren’t you?” She got closer to my face as I backed away.
“No, I’m gonna be late for school. Bye mom.” I ran to my room, and took all my fresh weed, lighters, and pre-rolled blunts and threw them in my backpack.
I heard my mother’s feet pound down the hall, and into my bedroom as I was throwing my backpack on my shoulders.
She turned the light on and watched me as I winced.
I ignored her, and brushed past her, down the hall, and out the door. I ran to the elevator and pressed the down button. The bell dinged and I walked inside, and pressed 1. As the elevator went 15 stories down, I reached for my iPod in my pocket, and put the headphones in. “Violence” by blink-182 came on, and I sung the words in my head. The doors opened, and I hurried out, like I had somewhere important to go.

I walked through the front doors of the building, and went towards my school, which was only 3 blocks away. By the time I got to school, “Chemicals” by Armor For Sleep started to play. I rolled my eyes as I walked into the school, showing the greeting principals how much I hated being there.

I made my way through the halls, and found my group of friends, waiting by the staircase, where they always were. I half smiled, and looked down at the ground. I saw their mouths moving, forming words, and laughing, and chewing gum, but I couldn’t hear them. My music was drowning out the world, which is what I usually had it do when I was in a bad mood or depressed. Today, was a depressing day, and it hadn’t even started.

The first warning bell rang throughout the school, and kids started to wrap up their conversations so they could scurry to first period. I wasn’t in a rush, but I left my group anyway so I could get to class and lie my head down on the desk.

I passed a few of my acquaintances in the hallway, and we awkwardly waved at each other. I reached my classroom and sat down in my desk, in the back corner of the room, and rested my head in my folded arms. The world around me was lost, and my mind drifted to a place where nothing was wrong.

I was interrupted with a rough tap on my shoulder and my name being called.
“Adam…Adam Horst, wake up!” It was my algebra 2 teacher Ms. Venola.
I tiredly lifted my head from my numbed arms and rubbed my eyes. Class was already over, and it was just me and her in the room. Between classes we had 10 minutes, so people never came to class early.
“I’ve noticed a drop in your average, and your alertness in class. Is something wrong at home, or with your friends or anything?” She said sweetly.
“No.” I gave her a very general answer.
She moved in closer by my side, and put her hand gently on my back. I swallowed hard and looked up at her.
“I’ll tutor you after school every day if you need it, you know.” She suggested in a sexy tone.
I remembered report cards were coming out in a few weeks and I needed every boost I could get, so my mother wouldn’t ground me for failing.
“Sounds good, I’ll be here today after school.” I nodded.
“Okay, Adam, see you then.” She helped me up, and walked me to the door, holding on to my arm.
I walked out of the classroom slowly, and scanned the hallway for my friends.
I didn’t find any, so I just popped my headphones in my ears, and shuffled through all the people walking up and down hallway.
I pressed shuffle and, “Heartless” by A Day To Remember came on. I bit my lip in pleasure of the hardcore breakdowns and I noticed a girl smiling at me out of the corner of my eye.
I turned my head and she turned away. She and her friends were laughing and blushing. I found myself just staring, and not being able to look away. They stared back smiling. I had no expression on my face. Not angry, not sad, not happy, just blank. They got confused, looked at each other, and left. I didn’t realize I was staring until my best friend Dan waved his hand in front of my face.
I blinked my eyes rapidly, and turned my head only to find him chuckling.
“What’s up, Adam?” He stopped laughing.
“Uh…nothing much,” I said looking over his shoulder, as I noticed Ms. Venola approaching me. I breathed in quietly, and held my breath as she winked at me, passing me by.

I felt my back tighten and goose bumps run all over my pale skin. I said a quick goodbye to my friend Dan, and went the other way to my next period so I could sit and think.

When I reached my classroom, my teacher, Mr. Rudolf was sitting at his desk, muttering something about American history to himself. I sat down at my desk in the front row, and he gasped.
“Adam? Is that you?” He cocked his head.
“Yes, Mr. Rudolf, it’s me.” I responded, turning around.
“You’re usually just making it by the bell, you seem eager to learn today?”
“I wouldn’t say eager to learn, just eager for the end of the day.”
“I spoke to soon.” He went back to muttering grades to himself, and I watched the door as kids slowly came to class.
The last bell ran and Mr. Rudolf got up and shut the door.
He went on about American history and politics, which is what the class is.
The bell rang to let us out of his prison, and we all hurried into the halls, and to our friends again.

I leaned against the wall my friends usually meet me at, and thought about Ms. Venola. I had never thought of her as sexy, or anything in that manner, at all. All through second period, that’s all I could think of. How she touched me gently, and spoke in a seductive voice. She was only 23 years old. I’m 18 so it’s not too bad.

The rest of the day dragged. Third period was my pottery class, and I was zoned, while I was sculpting, thinking about Ms. Venola.
Lunch couldn’t end sooner, and fourth block, which was my creative writing class, made me want to sleep for the rest of my life.

The end-of-the-day bell rang and my heart raced. I slowly walked up to Ms. Venola’s room, only to find her sitting on her desk, her small figure propped up straight, with her chest falling out of her shirt. A wave of excitement went through my body, from my head to my toes, and she smiled at me. She told me to take out my math homework, and we could do it together. My hands shook opening my backpack, and she went over to the door and shut it. She walked over while I was sitting in my desk, and ran her finger on my shoulders.
The wave rushed over me again, and I bit my lip.
She leaned into my left ear and whispered something. “I’m going to help you with your algebra, but I’d rather be doing this.” She put her hands on my face and kissed me passionately. I kissed her back and felt my cheeks blush. I had never been with an older woman.
After she pulled away, she told me that if we wanted to have fun we needed to finish the homework. She gave me some algebra tips and we got back to where we started.
When it began to get heated, she slid away and shuffled through her desk.
I held my breath when she walked back over.