I Should Have Never Thought of You

CASSADEE’S P.O.V.

I couldn’t get to sleep again that night. I told Hayley that I love her and totally ruined everything! And now everyone else is gonna find out that I’m a lesbian and my career is going to be over! I went through my bag until I found my little teddy bear that I’ve had since I was born. It’s been with me through all the rough times in my life. And yes, I realize that it’s pathetic that I’m 19 and still have my teddy bear but I don’t care! I picked up the bear and saw something shiny fall to the bottom of my bag. I picked it up and discovered that it was a razor blade. I sat down at the edge of the bed and examined it for a while. I haven’t cut myself in a year, since Hey Monday got signed. I stared at the razor blade. Imagining how good it would feel to cut again. To have all of my problems go away. I began to cry as I put the blade to my wrist. Then I remembered a promise I made…

*Flashback*

Mike and I were sitting on my front porch. We were just talking about life, and what we wanted to do with our lives if the band didn’t work out. We already had a record deal, but if no one liked our music, we would be packing our bags and heading back home.

“I would go to college. I’d probably major in psychology. What about you Cass?”

“I don’t know. The band is all I have. It’s the only thing keeping me alive now actually.”

“What are you talking about?” Mike asked me.

“Um… I cut myself.” I admitted. “If it weren’t for the band I would probably not be here right now. It’s the only good thing in my life right now.” I began crying silently.

“Cass, you have everything going for you. You’re pretty, smart, and are amazingly talented. If Hey Monday doesn’t work out you could always go solo, or find some guys with talent.” He laughed.

“Thanks. But if I can’t live my dream with you guys I don’t want to live it at all. And what do you mean I’m smart? I barely graduated. I couldn’t get into a decent college if I wanted to.”

“So, go back to school, get better grades.”

“It’s not just that I have no future if the band doesn’t work out. It’s also a million other things that you wouldn’t begin to understand.”

“Like what?”

“Like I said, you wouldn’t understand. No one would.”

“Cassadee you aren’t alone in the world. People will understand. And I and the rest of the guys are always going to be here if you need to talk. You know that right?”

“Yeah. Thanks Mike.”

“Promise me something.” He said.

“What?”

“Promise me that you won’t cut yourself anymore.”

“I’ll try.” He wrapped his arms around me and I cried silently into his shoulder.

*End Flashback*

I put the razor blade to my wrist as more tears fell. Is it really worth it? Will it really make my problems go away? A million questions and memories came flooding into my mind. All to be interrupted by a knocking at my door.

“Cassadee! Wake up!” Patrick’s voice called. Seconds later the door was opened and I quickly threw the razor back in my bag. But not before Pete saw me.

“What’d you just throw in your bag?” He asked.

“Nothing.” I said. I began putting my teddy bear back and took out some clothes and all of my bathroom stuff. “I’m gonna go take a shower. I’ll be ready in like a half hour.”

“Seriously, Cassadee what did you just throw in there?”

“Nothing. Just… just a razor blade I found floating around in there.”

“Why do you have razorbla-… Do you cut yourself?!”

“No, Pete. I used to but I stopped. I guess I just had it in there and didn’t know it.”

“Ok, but just in case, give me the razor.”

“Fine.” I reached into my bag and pulled it out and gave it to Pete. “There. Can I take a shower now?”

“Yeah.”

PETE’S P.O.V.

Ah, tour drama, gotta love it! Hayley’s having a mental breakdown and now Cassadee is hiding razorblades. What is wrong with chicks?

“What’s wrong with Cassadee?” Mike asked as he walked into the room.

“I found this in her bag.” I said holding up the razor.

“She’s not cutting again is she?”

“No, but I took it away from her just in case. What is wrong with the chicks on this tour dude?”

“I don’t know, PMS maybe?”

“Ok, no. Girls don’t have mental breakdowns because of PMS.”

“Who’s having a mental breakdown?”

“Hayley.”

“What about Hayley?” Joe asked walking into the room.

“She’s having a mental breakdown for unknown reasons.”

“Lovely.”

“Mhmm.”

“Can’t we ever have a tour without there being drama?” Joe asked.

“Nope, sorry.” I said and walked out of the room.

HAYLEY’S P.O.V.

I’m sitting on the floor in the bathroom of the hotel room. The door is locked and I’m curled in a tight ball hyperventilating and sobbing. Why? Because Cassadee Pope fucking loves me and I think I love her back! But how can I admit that? I’m supposed to be straight, like guys, get married, have kids. I’m not supposed to be this way. And I can’t talk to anyone about this because no one would understand. And I’m going to have to go out there and face her eventually. Why can’t a psycho terrorist blow up the hotel? How come when you need bad things to happen they never do? Yet when everything is perfect, suddenly your life becomes worse than Miley Cyrus’ singing?

“Hayley? You ok?” Zac asked.

“Fine.” I sniffled.

“No, you’re not. Can you open the door?”

“How do you know I’m not taking a huge shit in here?”

“Because we could you crying.”

“Ok fine, I’m crying. But that doesn’t mean I’m not ok.”

“Yes it does. Hayley, is it the Cassadee thing?”

“Maybe…”

“Seriously, open the door and talk to me. You can tell me anything. I promise I won’t tell anyone, not even Josh!”

“Fine.” I got up and unlocked the door and opened it. I walked out of the bathroom and Zac and I sat on the couch to talk.

“So, what’s wrong?”

“Cassadee is in love with me.”

“I thought you said you didn’t have any feelings for her? So why should it matter?”

“I kind of lied.”

“What?”

“I do have feelings for her.”

“What kind of feelings?”

“I think I’m in love with her…”