I Should Have Never Thought of You

HAYLEY’S P.O.V.

After everyone left I lay in my bed in my hospital room thinking. I love Cassadee, I really do with all my heart, more than anything in the world. But I don’t know if I’m ready to be open about my sexuality. I’m not even entirely sure of my sexuality yet either. I mean, am I gay am I bi am I questioning? What do I label myself as? How are people going to react? Will they hate me? Will they love me? What about my family? They’re all Christians. What will they think if they find out I’m in love with a girl. Is Cassadee really worth all the pain this may cause me? These questions flowed through my mind without answers. I turned in my bed numerous times, unable to find a comfortable position. My stomach hurting every time I move even the slightest bit. The questions continued to haunt me most of the night. Finally and about 4 in the morning sleep overtook me. I drifted off to sleep and into a horrible nightmare.

I was on stage singing “I Caught Myself.” The crowd was cheering and dancing and singing the words along with me. I was jumping around the stage as usual. I looked to the side of the stage and saw Cassadee. She was talking with someone, a girl. I couldn’t tell who it was because their back was to me but they looked familiar. Her hair was long and brown with highlights in it. That certainly didn’t narrow it down any… well at least I knew they were a girl. Her and Cassadee were talking. They were both laughing. Then I noticed that they were holding hands. My heart dropped. I stopped singing and the microphone fell to the ground. I quickly picked it up and tried to pretend that nothing was wrong. I continued singing. Then I looked back over as Cassadee leaned in and kissed the mystery girl. A tear fell from my eyes as I sang the line “I should have never thought of you.”

“I love you.” Cassadee said to the girl. Even though they were standing too far away from me and I shouldn’t have heard a word they said, I could hear them as clearly as if they were right next to me.

“I love you too.” Said the girl. I recognized her voice… it was Sierra Kusterbeck from VersaEmerge. I sprinted over to where they were standing. Ignoring the crowd of people watching in shock, ignoring my band mates and the disgusted looks on their faces, all I could see was Cassadee… and how she was with someone else. And all I could think about was how stupid I was for fucking up the best thing to ever happen to me. I pushed Sierra out of the way and grabbed Cassadee and kissed her. She pushed me away and wiped her mouth.

“What the fuck?! Get away from me Hayley!”

“But I love you!” I shouted at her.

“Really? Because you said that you didn’t when everyone saw us kissing.”

“I know, and it was stupid, and I just want you back!”

“Well, as you can see I obviously don’t want you.”

“Cass… please! I don’t know what to do without you.” I said and then realized I heard an echo as I talked. Then I realized that the microphone was still in my hand and all the fans could hear every word of our conversation. I looked out to the crowd embarrassed and they were all just looking at us. I looked at the guys and their jaws were hanging open.

“I’m sorry Hayley. But I don’t love you anymore.” She turned and grabbed Sierra’s hand and they began leaving the venue. My heart shattered as they walked out the door. The crowd began laughing behind me.

“Cassadee! No don’t leave me! Cassadee!! Don’t leave me!!!”

CASSADEE’S P.O.V.

I woke up this morning and figured I would go and try to talk to Hayley about what happened last night. I got to her hospital room and knocked on the door and then opened it. I walked in to find that she was still sleeping.

“Cassadee! No don’t leave me! Cassadee!! Don’t leave me!!!” She was screaming in her sleep. I watched as she tossed and turned in her bed, wincing in pain as she moved uncontrollably in her sleep. The site killed me. I truly loved Hayley, but after what she said… I don’t know if I could take her back. I watched as her nightmare continued. It felt like the walls were closing in around me, and I could feel the breath leave me. I ran out of the room and out of the hospital. As soon as the fresh air hit me I breathed a sigh of relief. I walked back to our bus and got on.

“Hey Cass, what’s wrong?” Jersey asked as I entered the lounge.

“Hayley.” Was my short reply.

“Oh.” He said and he sat down and began to eat his bowl of fruit loops he had made sometime before I got on the bus. He turned on the TV and flipped the channels until finally settling on Full House. He stared at the TV for a moment. Me still sitting there glaring at him. “You can talk about it if you want.” He said through a mouth full of cereal. Finally! I thought he was actually going to just sit there and watch TV and ignore me.

“I went back to her room to talk to her and possibly see if she would apologize.” I began telling him.

“I’m guessing it didn’t go too well?” Jersey asked. No shit Sherlock!

“Well, not exactly.”

“What happened?” He asked after shoving another spoon full of cereal into his mouth. I rolled my eyes at his gross eating habits but proceeded to tell him what happened.

“I got there, and she was still sleeping. She was having a nightmare. She was screaming ‘Cassadee don’t leave me!’ It kind of scared the shit out of me. I didn’t know what to do so I ran.” I explained. A thoughtful look appeared on Jersey’s face. He stared at the spoon in his hand and played with it. Like it would somehow give him the answer to my problems.

“I think… I think that you should talk to her.” He finally stated. Grinning his stupid grin at me as if thing were just as simple as that.

“But… I don’t know. What she said to me really hurt. You don’t understand. She said she loved me then called me a lesbian freak.”

“I know it sucks. And I know you feel heartbroken. But if you really love her you’ll have to forgive her. And I think she really loves you too. She just got scared. But everything will work out. You guys are good for each other.”

“Thanks Jersey. I seriously have no idea what I would do without you guys.” I said.

“Thanks. Now go! Get your girl!” He said and waved me away. I got off the bus and walked back to the hospital. The warm summer breeze hitting my skin and comforting me a bit. The butterflies in my stomach got worse as I approached the hospital. I entered the doors and was greeted by the unpleasant white walls, the sound of people talking, some happy, some worried. A phone began ringing and the sound rang in my ears long after it stopped. I walked to the elevator, show tunes playing over the speakers, and pressed the button for Hayley’s floor. I tapped on the railing on the wall impatiently. Finally I hear the little ding and the doors opened and I walked out of the elevator and to Hayley’s room. I hear voices coming from inside and figured maybe it was a nurse or the doctor. I turned the cold silver handle and opened the door. Hayley and whoever the other person were hadn’t realized that I was there.

“I love you Hayley.” I heard a familiar male voice say. Was that Josh? It sounded like Josh. My heart began pounding as I waited to hear a response from Hayley.

“I love you too Josh.” Hayley’s voice answered. My suspicions were confirmed as my heart sank to the floor. I rushed out of the room and back to the bus. Not wanting to hear anymore of their conversation.

HAYLEY’S P.O.V.

“I love you too Josh.” I answered. “But not the way you love me. I’m sorry. I’m in love with Cassadee. And I realized last night it was a mistake to say the things I said to her. I need her in my life. Please understand that. You’ll find the right girl. I know you will. You’re an amazing guy.”

“Thanks Hayley. I guess I’m ok with you and Cassadee then.”

“Are the rest of the guys?” I asked. “Well, I already know Zac is.”

“Yeah everyone else is cool with it.”

“Let’s just hope that she doesn’t hate me.” I said.

“I’m sure she doesn’t. She loves you.”

“If you see her can you tell her I need to talk to her?”

“No problem.”

“Thanks so much!” I said.

“No problem.” Zac turned around and left. I smiled to myself. Maybe things will work out for once…

CASSADEE’S P.O.V.

I climbed back onto the bus and ran straight to my bunk. Ignoring the stares from everyone else. I pushed back the black curtain that separated my bunk from the rest of the world. I climbed in, and then closed the curtain back over isolating myself. Closing myself off from all the pain and all the heartache the world was bringing me. But it didn’t make it hurt less. It just made me not have to deal with it. I lay down on my stomach and sobbed into my pillow. I seriously want to die right now. My heart is shattered. Into millions of little pieces. There is only one person in this world capable of picking them up. And she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t care that I loved her. She doesn’t care that she meant the world to me, and still does mean the world to me. She doesn’t even care about me. Not at all. No, all she cares about is Josh Farro…

“Hey Josh.” I hear Mike say enthusiastically.

“Hey Mike. Is Cassadee here?”

“Yeah she just came in and ran to her bunk a few minutes ago.”

“Ok thanks.” He said and I heard his footsteps as he walked back here. He pulled the curtain of my bunk back and I glared at him. I sniffled and then spoke.

“What the fuck do you want?!” I spat.

“I just wanted to tell you that Hayley wants to talk to you.” He said.

“Why?! So she can officially tell me she’s breaking my heart?!”

“Cass what are you talking about sh-”

“I know what’s going on Josh! I’m not stupid! I heard you two! Tell her to save her breath.” I hissed at him.

“What?” His eyebrows came together in confusion. “What are… oh!” He said as a look of realization struck his face. “It’s not what you think Cassadee.”

“No! It’s exactly what I think. So unless you wanted to brag some more then leave!” I shouted. He didn’t go anywhere so I grabbed the curtain and roughly pulled it closed so he got the message. I hear his footsteps walk away from the bunks. I hear the door to the bus open and then close. Then I heard two pairs of footsteps coming toward the bunks. I could tell that they were Mike and Jersey. The curtain to my bunk opened again and I turned my head to face a very concerned looking Jersey and Mike. “What?” I grumbled.

“What the hell just happened?” Mike asked.

“Hayley and Josh are going out.” I said through more tears. They stopped until Mike had to open his fucking mouth.

“Are you sure?!” Jersey asked.

“Yes I’m sure you dumb fuck!” I shouted at him. “Now can you leave me alone now?” I asked and sniffled fighting back more tears. I hated crying in the presence of others.

“Sure sweetie. We’re sorry.” Jersey kissed my forehead, followed by Mike, and then they closed my curtain and shuffled out of the bunks. I buried my face in my pillow and cried. I stayed that way until I fell asleep. Tears still staining my cheeks and my pillow.