I'll Never Be Alone Again With You By My Side

-Matt’s POV-

“Sweetie, you need to wake up,” I said to her as I sat down on her small, toddler-sized bed. As I gently patted her shoulder and rubbed her hair off her face, she stirred slightly.

“Hi, Daddy,” she smiled up at me with those hazel-tinted green eyes of hers. ‘Hi, Daddy.’…Damn, I’ve done this father-gig for almost five years now, and I still can’t believe I’m a dad.

“Good morning, baby. Did you sleep well?” I asked her right before kissing her forehead.

“Yes, I did. I had this dream…and you were there…and Uncle Zee, and Uncle Bwian, and Uncle Johnny, and Uncle Jimmy…and mommy was there, too,” she said, not being able to fully pronounce the ‘R’s.

As she continued to tell me what went on in her dream, one character she mentioned being present really stood out to me. ‘…Mommy was there, too.’ I’m relieved she remembers Val, but it saddens me that that’s all she can do with her mom. Val was such a great mother. We were even going to try for a little brother or sister for Mikayla to enjoy. Then disaster struck, and ever since, it’s just been Mikayla and me.

It was a cold, dreary October evening. Val, Mikayla (who was two at the time), and I were all sitting in the living room watching Spongebob Squarepants. Val had mentioned she was cold, so she got up to turn the thermostat up on a higher temperature before joining me on the loveseat.

I asked her if she would like me to light a fire in the fireplace, and she nodded her head; simply saying, “mhm.” I got up, went to the kitchen to grab the matches, and made my way over to the fireplace that was located behind the loveseat and to the right of the couch.

We sat there, cuddling one another, while Mikayla lied in the floor with her head resting on our dog, Bella’s stomach. It was one of those “picture-perfect” moments; almost like something you’d see in a fake picture manufacturers put in picture frames. Val had fallen asleep in my arms, and Mikayla was staring at the television screen almost as if she was in a trance.

As I started to drift off to sleep, I smelled something burning. It smelled like fabric or something. Not the usual wood-burning scent a fireplace or woodstove generates. Then the room started to have a hazy appearance to it. I turned around, and saw that an ember must have flown out of the confinement of the fireplace and landed on the carpet…thus, setting it ablaze.

I frantically tried to wake Val, and once she awoke, I screamed at her to grab Mikayla and get out of the house while I scooped up Bella. We all made it out of the house just fine, but Val told me she had to save her great-grandmother’s antique jewelry and she ran back in. I tried to stop her, but to no avail.

I guess a neighbor must have called the fire department because as they were arriving, I saw the house ignite into a gigantic ball of orange and yellow flames, followed by the blackest smoke I’d ever seen. I knew then and there that for Val, it was too late. I could hardly retain myself from running in there to find her, but I knew I couldn’t leave Mikayla by herself, and if I happened to have gotten caught up in the fiery inferno, she would no longer have either of her parents here.

I saw a fireman run in what was left of the front door. He returned to the doorway several minutes later carrying the limp body of Val. He took her to the ambulance, and I overheard the paramedic inform the dispatch that he needed the coroner to meet him at the hospital.

The ambulance drove away shortly thereafter. I buckled Mikayla in her booster seat in the back of the SUV, along with Bella, and I followed after the ambulance.

Once we arrived at the hospital, we sat in the waiting room for what seemed like eternity. Finally, the doctor on call and the coroner approached us and asked us to come with them to a small, confined room with a door. I knew that the news they were going to break to me was not going to be good once we made it to the room.

“Mr. Sanders, I’m deeply sorry, but we did all we could do to try to revive your wife, Valary. My deepest condolences go out to you and your family. I’ll leave the coroner to explain and answer any questions you might have,” the doctor said as he rose from his chair, and exited the room. I turned my attention to the coroner, trying to hold my composure for Mikayla even though all I wanted to do was breakdown and bawl like a baby.

“All I really want to know is, did she suffer?” I asked the coroner a few minutes later.

“Based on my findings in the autopsy, your wife died from smoke inhalation which caused her to suffocate. She did not, however, suffer any pain,” he said.

“Thank you for doing the best you could, and thank you for everything,” I said to him as we both rose from our chairs and shook hands across the table. He left the room, and I stayed there to gather my thoughts.

I knew that raising Mikayla as a single parent wasn’t going to be a walk in the park, but I knew that with the rest of the guys and girls, and my parents, and Val’s parents as a support system, that thought alone was enough to make me want to carry on.

As I left the hospital that night on my way to Zacky and Gena’s house where Mikayla and I were going to be staying for the time being, all I could think about was that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I couldn’t think about finding anyone else, and I knew no one would ever come even remotely close to comparing to Val, so I was afraid of being a ‘loner’.

Then it hit me. As long as I have Mikayla, I’m never going to have to go through anything alone. I mean, sure, maybe she won’t understand things I’m going through sometimes, but at least she’ll always be there to comfort me. She’ll be my one and only for now and forever.

“…oh, and Daddy! There were pink bunnies that kept hopping on Uncle Johnny’s head. It was funny,” she giggled out as she remembered her dream. “Daddy, will you sing that song you said was my song?” She asked.

“Your song, huh? You like your song that much?” I asked her in a joking manner while tickling her.

“Daaaaddy…pleaseee,” she asked, giving me the legendary puppy eyes, and pouting lip.

“Now, how could I resist a face like that,” I said in more of a statement rather than a question.

Your hazel, green-tint eyes watching every move I make.
And that feeling of doubt, it’s erased.
I’ll never feel alone again; with you by my side.
You’re the one, and in you I confide. Whoa.
And we have gone through good and bad times.
But your unconditional love was always on my mind.
You’ve been there from the start for me.
And your love’s always been true as could be.
I give my heart to you.
I give my heart ‘cause nothing can compare in this world to you. Whoa.
And we have gone through good and bad times.
But your unconditional love was always on my mind.
You’ve been there from the start for me.
An, your love’s always been true as could be.
I give my heart to you.
I give my heart ‘cause nothing can compare in this world to you.
I give my heart to you.
I give my heart ‘cause nothing can compare in this world to you.

As I finished singing it to her, I felt tears trickle down my cheeks. I wrote it for Val when we got married, but now it had another meaning to it, too. It was also Mikayla’s song.

“Daddy, why are you cwying?” She asked after noticing my glistening cheeks.

“Oh, I was just thinking about Mommy and how much I miss her,” I replied.

“I miss her, too…but guess what, Daddy? I’s glad I still has you,” she said while uncovering herself from the blankets and hopping on my lap, giving me a hug.

“I’m glad I still have you, too, sweetie…I’m glad I still have you, too,” I choked out while returning her hug and kissing her cheek. “What do you say we go and visit Mommy today? We haven’t visited her in a while, and I’m sure she’d love to hear from you,” I asked, knowing she loves to go to the cemetery just to talk to Val.

“Ohhh! Can we? Can we? Can we?!” she responded, bouncing up and down on my lap with a giant smile on her face.

“Of course we can, baby. How ‘bout you go get dressed, and I’ll call your uncles and see if they want to go, too, how’s that,” I asked her, and she nodded her head excitedly.

I left her room to go call Zacky, Brian, Jimmy, and Johnny.

“Hey, Zack. I was thinking of taking Miki out to visit Val. Do you want to come along?” I stated into the phone, “Alright, we’ll meet you there in about an hour. Bye.” I did this with each of them, all of them agreeing to go.

“Miki, you about ready to go?” I hollered up the stairs. No sooner than I got that question out did I hear footsteps running down the upstairs hallway and continuing on down the stairs.

“Yep, I is ready now,” she said as she approached the bottom of the stairs.

We left the house and made our way to the graveyard.

Once Mikayla and I arrived, the guys were already there. She practically flew out the car door once I unbuckled her and barreled towards them.

“Miki!!!” I heard them all yell when she made it to them. Each one of them scooped her up and gave her a hug. As I made my way over to them, they each greeted me. I picked Mikayla up, and carried her as we all ventured to Val’s grave.

When we made it, I sat Mikayla back down on the ground. She made her way over to the headstone and kissed the picture.

“I miss you, Mommy,” I heard her say right before she kissed it.

“She really misses her, doesn’t she?” Johnny asked after a while.

“Yeah, she does, but I think coming here, as weird as this may sound, helps her. You would think coming to visit a graveyard would only make matters worse for such a young kid, but I think she sees it as being able to talk to Val and ‘connect’ with her,” I said as we all observed Mikayla mumbling to Val about anything and everything.

“Honey, we need to be heading back home,” I said after an hour of watching Mikayla talk to Val.

“Okay, Daddy. Mommy said to tell you she loves you,” she said shortly thereafter.

“Well, you tell Mommy that I love her very much, and that we’ll come back to see her again sometime soon,” I chuckled. She proceeded to tell Val what I said, and then she walked back over to me and I picked her back up again.

As we walked back towards the car, Jimmy rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head.

“I’m sure your mommy enjoyed hearing from you today, kiddo,” he said to her and smiled.