I Just Wanted Your Love

I’ll tell him tonight. I thought to myself. I was lying on my back looking up at the sky in my backyard. Next to me, was my lifelong best friend and crush of 3 years, Joseph Adam Jonas. We were side by side on the blanket just looking at the stars twinkle. I turned my head to the left to look at him. In the moonlight, I could see every contour of his face, and let me tell you, it was beautiful.

“Joe?” I whispered, still looking at him.

“Yeah?” he whispered back, still looking up at the sky. I took a deep breath.

“I have something to tell you.”

“You know you can tell me anything. I am your best friend after all.”

I turned my head back up to the stars.

“O.K., Joe, I like you. More than just my best friend and I have for some time now.”

I kept looking up at the sky too scared to look at his face to see his reaction. I heard him let out a deep breath. I turned to look at him and realized we were face to face now. It was silent for a good minute and a half.

“Say something… please.”

“I… don’t know what to say.” He said, looking deep into my eyes. I sat up halfway so I was leaning on my elbow.

“Just say what you feel Joe.”

He sat up too. But he fully sat up and crossed his legs Indian style and turned to face me.

“I feel… kind of happy to hear that… but….”

Uh-oh, here comes the but… I thought.

“I also feel confused because I’m not sure if I entirely feel that way about you, and I feel… sad and angry at the same time because I have something to tell you that I’ve been putting off for a week now.” He looked down at his hands in his lap. I sat up fully now, facing him. I was confused.

“What is it?” I asked cautiously. He let out a sigh and turned his head towards the back of my house so he wouldn’t have to look at me.

“We’re… going on tour… a six month tour.” He said.

“Well… that’s great I guess.” I said. Inside, I was crying. “When do you leave?”

He sighed again and turned his head back up to the sky. He shook his head no. He didn’t want to tell me.

“Joseph Jonas tell me when you leave right now.” I stated, my voice rising.

“Tomorrow.” He whispered.

My whole world came crashing down. My best friend, my second family, they were all leaving me tomorrow. FOR SIX MONTHS.

“Well… I guess… while we’re apart… you’ll have time to think about this. How you feel about me…” I said. I could feel the lump in my throat forming.

“Yeah, I guess so.” He said, still not looking at me. Is that a tear falling down his cheek? He got up to leave. He reached his hand and pulled me up into a hug. “I’ll see you tomorrow Jenn.”

“Yeah, see you. Bright and early.”

He attempted a smile and walked out the gate. I stood there staring, watching him go. I can’t believe this is happening.

****

The next morning I woke up at 6:30 and walked outside still in my pajamas. I wrapped my fleece blanket around my arms and across the street to the Jonas’ house. Kevin and Nick were standing outside and as soon as they saw me they enveloped me in hugs. These guys were like brothers to me so that brought the lump back to my throat. Then, Paul came out carrying a half asleep Frankie. I walked over and Frankie wrapped his arms around my neck.

“I don’t want to leave you Jenny.” He said.

“I know Frankie. It’s only for awhile though.” I said, a tear escaping my eyes. “Be a good boy.”

I gave him a kiss on the forehead. Then I gave Paul a kiss on the cheek and he brought Frankie onto the bus. Denise came out of the house next, carrying a bunch of bags. Kevin and Nick rushed over to relieve them from her and she made her way over to me, pulling me into her loving embrace.

“Oh, honey. I feel like I’m leaving a daughter behind.” She said, stroking my hair. Like I said before, this was my second family. “Did you tell him?” Denise had known about my crush on Joe for awhile now.

“Yeah.” I said, sighing, my head on her shoulder.

“What did he say?”

“He didn’t know what to say. He had like five different feelings coursing through him at the same time.”

“I think he just needs time. Maybe while we’re gone, he’ll realize how you make him feel and being away from you isn’t easy.”

I smiled at her and she relinquished me from her embrace and walked onto the bus. Kevin and Nick following. Finally, Joe walked out of the house. He held his arms open for me and I ran into them. I cried on his shoulder, the tears finally flowing free and I felt a few drops fall onto my cheek from him.

“I can’t believe you’re really leaving.” I said, pulling away.

“Hey, no matter what, I’m still your best friend. I’ll call you o.k.?”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” He said, smiling at me. He wiped a few tears off of my face. “Don’t cry Jenn. Even though we’ll be gone, I’ll be right here.” He said, taking my hand in his and placing them over my heart. I smiled up at him.

“Have fun.” I said.

“I will.” He said, walking backwards towards the bus. “Love you Jenn.”

“I love you too.” I whispered. He climbed onto the bus with a pained expression on his face.

I hope it tortures him to be away from me. Then he’ll know that we’re meant to be together.

You got time
If time is what you needed
You’re not mine
I’d rather not believe you’re fine
Rather think you’re up all night

****

He didn’t call for a whole month. It was about 10 o’clock at night and I was sitting on my bed listening to my music when the phone rang. Joe it said.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jenn, it’s me.”

“Me who?” I asked, a little ticked off that it took him this long to call.

“Jenn, it’s me Joe.” He said, sounding a little confused.

“Oh, yeah I remember you. Didn’t you used to be my best friend?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You promised you’d call Joe!” I yelled.

“I did call!”

“Yeah A MONTH after you left!” I was getting angrier.

“I’ve been touring! It’s not like I told you I was going to call every day.”

“I didn’t say I wanted you to call every day. Just a little ‘hey how’s it going?’ every once in awhile would’ve been nice. You don’t perform every night!”

“Oh come on Jenn, give me a break!”

“No! I can’t believe it took you this long! I can’t believe I called you my best friend!”

You’re alright
You knew me when you met me
Let’s not fight
I’m just a little feisty
Maybe, maybe I would lose my mind

“I AM your best friend Jenn!” he shouted. I could tell he was really mad.

“If you were my best friend you would have called like you promised.” I said, tears streaming down my face. “I take back what I said, I don’t like you more than a best friend anymore” Lie. “I don’t even like you as more than a friend right now. To me, you’re just a part of my second family, you know, the annoying one who always pisses people off.”

“That’s real low Jenn.” He said quietly.

“Yeah well, next time, do what you promise.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Whatever.”

With that, I snapped my phone shut and threw it across the room. It rang. I didn’t get up to answer it, I let it go to voicemail. Five minutes later it rang I again. I went to check to see who it was and it was him again. I didn’t want to hear it ring anymore so I just shut it off and put it on my desk. I flopped down on my bed, put my pillow over my face, and screamed. I can’t believe I just let him go like that. Why am I so stupid?

I don’t wanna
Let you go away
I don’t wanna
Let you go
Boy, I just wanted your love
I just need a bit of your love
I just wanted your love
I don’t wanna
Let you go

****

The next morning I woke up and turned my phone on. I had 20 missed calls from Joe and five from Kevin. I showered and changed and then I called Kevin.

“Hello?”

“Hey Kev.”

“Hey Jenn.” He said excitedly. “What’s up?”

“Oh nothing… did…?”

“Yeah, he told me. He’s really upset Jenny.” He said, I heard him sigh.

“Yeah, well, I was really upset too.”

“He didn’t mean anything by it. We were really busy.”

“You’re just saying that to save his butt.”

“No I’m not. I swear.” I could hear the sincerity in his voice. “Talk to him, please. For me.”

“Fine.” I sighed.

“Here he is.”

“Jenny?” said Joe.

“Hi.” I said quietly.

“Jenny, I’m sorry I didn’t call. We were…”

“Busy, yeah, Kevin told me.”

“Do you forgive me?”

“Yeah, I forgive you.”

“Yes!” he shouted. “This is awesome. I have so much to tell you!”

We talked for the next two hours. Not just about their performance but about some fans they had met. They had met a bunch of little kids… some were kids from a children’s hospital who had gotten tickets donated to the ward by some rich person.

“Oh you should have seen them Jenn, they looked so excited to meet us. This one little girl almost made me cry. She had cancer and she was in this wheelchair and she looks up at us and says ‘You guys are the greatest. Someday, I hope my little brother is just like you’.”

“Awwwwwwwww, Joe, that’s so sweet.”

It was like we had never fought and that we had talked every day since he left. That’s what I needed. All feelings of him as more than a best friend coursed through my veins. I was happy again.

You got steam
The wheels are turning
It’s just me
I’m crashing and I’m burning out
Shouldn’t we be making out?

****

We had continued to talk almost every other day after that incident. By the fourth month of them being gone I was just getting more and more anxious for them to get home. One day, at the end of that fourth month he called around midnight.

“Hey.” I answered the phone

“Hi.”

“I’m surprised you’re calling this late.”

“I’m surprised you’re still up this late.”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Me either.” He said.

“Oh yeah? Why is that?”

“I have something to tell you.” He said, taking a deep breath. Uh-oh.

“What is it?”

“Umm… well… I’ve been seeing someone.”

My jaw hit the floor. I felt like everything I had eaten since yesterday was about to come up. No, this can’t be happening.

“Jenny, say something, please.”

“Well… good for you.” And I hung up. I shut my phone off so it wouldn’t ring off the hook because I knew it would. I buried my head in my pillow and cried for what felt like forever. I cried until there was what felt like no more tears left in my body.

Of course this is happening. I should’ve taken my chance 3 years ago when I first felt it. Then we could be happy….

You got guts
Guts is what I need now
I don’t mind
Starting to believe it’s over
Tell her “I loathe her”
I don’t wanna
Let you go
Boy, I just wanted your love
I just need a bit of your love
I just wanted your love
I don’t wanna
Let you go
Ha!

****

Every time he called now, I wouldn’t answer. I wouldn’t even answer when Kevin or Nick called. I couldn’t talk to any of them right now. About a month passed since that phone call with Joe. They were going to come home in a month. Joe had left countless voicemail messages on my phone. I deleted them all without listening to them. One day though, I finally got the guts to listen to one.

“Hey Jenny, it’s me. Listen, I want to talk to you about the girl I’ve been seeing. Over the past month, I’d talk to her and we’d video date kind of but… I didn’t feel… happy. It was nothing like talking to you. For some reason when I talked to her… I only wanted to talk to you. That’s all I felt. So… I broke it off. You’ve probably been trying to get me out of your mind over the past month and letting go of everything that we’ve had. Don’t do it Jenny. Don’t let go. We’ll be home in a month. I can’t wait to see you. Love ya Jenn. Bye.”

Letting you go
Letting you go
Letting you go
Letting you go
Letting you go
Yea yea
I don’t wanna
Let you go away
I don’t wanna
Let you go

After I listened to that message I broke down crying. I didn’t call back. But I would pick up if Kevin or Nick called now. I’d reassure them that I was fine and I was counting down the days until they got back. They said Joe was doing the same.

Finally, the day arrived. I woke up early and sat on my front porch. The hours passed by and I just kept on waiting. Finally at 8 o’clock that night, the bus pulled up across the street. I stayed seated until it pulled away 20 minutes later. I saw Paul and Denise walking into the house with some bags and Frankie. I saw Kevin and Nick pick up their bags and guitar cases. I saw Joe, standing there, staring at me. He started walking across the street towards me and I stood up. It felt like he was walking so slow and I couldn’t take it. I ran. I ran like there was no tomorrow and jumped into his arms wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. His arms wrapped around me, nice and strong. He set me down on the ground and before I could say anything he captured my lips in his and kissed me so passionately.

We pulled away from the kiss and he kissed my whole face. My forehead, my nose, my cheeks, my chin, the corners of my eyes.

“I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.” He repeated over and over again in between kisses.

“I love you too.” I said, burying my head into his chest. He pulled me closer to him, which I didn’t think possible.

“Do you know how good it feels to be holding you right now?” he asked.

“Probably as good as it does to be holding you.” I answered.

“No, it feels better.” He said, kissing the top of my head. I smiled.

“I’m never letting you go. Never, ever.”

“That’s fine with me. You’ll just have to tag along wherever we go.”

“Anything.” I said. Then I reached up and we kissed again. I could hear his family cheering for us and I felt him smile into the kiss, which only made me smile. Finally, we were right where we belong.

I just wanted your love
Bit of your love
I just wanted your love
I don’t wanna
Let you go