Lullabies

Some people weren’t sure whether to like him or not. I guess his attitude put people off sometimes. I guess you could say he was an attention hoarder, Maybe that’s the reason why he never stayed in one home for too long. You see, Chase was an orphan. He had been passed from foster home to foster home since he was eight years old. Now he’ll stay forever seventeen.

Chase had come into our home when he was sixteen and I was fifteen. At first I was repulsed. I didn’t like the idea of another teenager coming into my home and taking over. My mother, however, was thrilled. “Welcome to the Gaskarth family!” was how she greeted Chase that first day. Chase beamed at my mother and I crossed my arms and huffed. But Chase stayed with us and I got to know him. He was like a big brother to me.
When my band, All Time Low, got started, Chase was skeptical. Then he heard us play. He believed in us. He knew we would make it. He didn’t think the same for him.

Chase was always worried that we would send him back to the orphanage. He was a tortured boy. He was paranoid. He didn’t know how to trust. But, boy did that boy know how to love. You could tell he loved us so much. He tried so hard to get our attention. He was scared that if we didn’t see him we would forget him. I know he wished for us to adopt him. We were going to.

When All Time Low put out our first EP, Chase was supportive, but cautious. “Don’t let yourself get in over head,” he would say. I was getting bigheaded and cocky. Chase knew that wasn’t me. He knew pride was getting to me. He tried to keep me under control and succeeded. I was humble. Eventually, All Time Low was signed to a record label. We were getting big, but I tried not to let my head do the same. My whole family was proud of me. People in school were congratulating me. I was getting a lot of attention.

I guess Chase was jealous. I guess he got scared. I guess he thought we might send him away. So one day, he got drunk. We came home and there was shouting. I ran upstairs like a scared, wimpy little boy. I heard a crash and the door slam so hard I thought it was torn off the hinges. When I came down stairs, he was gone. I found Chase in the park, barley breathing. I was the last person to speak to Chase. My mother and father were devastated. They cried for days. They didn’t know why he did it. I did. And for that I will always blame myself. He was my big brother and I betrayed him.

So now I’m in a black suit and my band mates are standing behind me. My dad is holding my mother’s sobbing frame. Chase’s casket is black and on top of it rests a pile of daisies. I can barely feel Jack rest his hand on my shoulder from behind me. I’m numb. As I stood I could hereChase’s my brother’s voice whispering in the wind. “Sing me to sleep…” So I did. I quietly sang those words to myself and to Chase, hoping he would hear me. I guess I didn’t notice everyone else leave because soon I was alone with Chase.

“You’ve taken so much with you, Chase, but you’ve left the worst with me. I’ll miss you. I’m so sorry.”