Choices

“This has to end.”

I smirked as I looked at her, lying next to me in her bed.

“I tried to tell you that when you decided to start this,” I said, returning my gaze to the ceiling. “So don’t tell me that you changed your mind.”

“Well I have,” she said. I looked over at her again. Even in the dark I could see that she was serious. I sat up slowly and looked down at her.

“You really are serious,” I said to myself. And then I was angry. “Why are you deciding that this needs to end now? I tried to end this and you’d practically beg me not to leave you. What’s changed?”

She sighed, running a hand through her hair. She sat up so she could look me straight in the eyes.

“I care about you a lot, Ryan,” she said. “But I can’t keep doing this to Brendon. I love him. Not you.”

“If you really loved him, we wouldn’t be right here,” I said.

“Don’t do that,” she said.

“Do what?” I asked bitterly.

“Make me out to be the bad guy in this situation,” she said.

“But you are,” I said. If she wanted to hurt me, I could hurt her just as well. “You basically blackmailed me into this whole thing and now you’re ending it because you don’t want to hurt Brendon?”

“I didn’t blackmail you,” she said defensively.

“Maybe so,” I said. “But you did force me into this relationship…or whatever you want to call it.”

“I didn’t force you either,” she said. I could hear the hurt starting to creep into her voice, but I didn’t care. I laughed bitterly.

“Sure you didn’t,” I said. “You forced me to come here. Crying, and begging. You were pretty much throwing yourself at me.”

“You didn’t have to stay--” she started, but I cut her off.

“Don’t even start,” I said. I got out of bed and picked up my boxer’s off of the floor, slipping them on quickly. “You were hysterical. You threatened to hurt yourself if I left.”

“Stop making me out to be the bad guy,” she said. “You could have left at any time.”

“Could I?” I asked as I pulled on the rest of my clothes.

“Ryan,” she whimpered.

“I don’t want to hear it,” I said.

“Please, Ryan,” she said. It was obvious that she was crying now. I shot her a look of disgust.

“Don’t even fucking think of begging,” I said.

“I wasn’t going to,” she said angrily, her tears stopped. “I just wanted to make things end a bit more smoothly.”

“Well it’s a little late to try and mend things,” I said. I slipped on my shoes and headed for the door of her bedroom.

“Wait, Ryan,” she said. I heard her stumbling out of bed. I turned to look at her, a sheet covering her body. She stood in front of me. Her hand found its way into my hair and her lips moved towards mine. I pushed her away.

“Don’t,” I said. She looked hurt. “I think you’ve done enough damage. Just forget about me. Forget about all of this.”

“Ryan,” she whispered.

“No,” I said. “Just be with Brendon. You obviously love him oh so much.”

I turned to leave again.

“Ryan,” she said as I reached the door to her apartment. I sighed and turned to look at her.

“What?” I asked forcefully.

“Ryan, I-I love you,” she said. At first I stared at her in shock, the words that left her mouth not sinking in immediately.

“I think you need to figure out what you want,” I said, opening the door. “Let me know when you figure things out.”

I left. In all honesty, I loved her.

I had always loved Jane. Even before she had started dating Brendon. But one night, a few months ago, she called me…

Four Months Ago

“Jane?” I said. I could hear her crying. But she wasn’t speaking. She had called me. She hadn’t said a word. But I knew it was her. “What’s wrong?”

I heard her sniffle loudly.

“Can you come over?” she asked, tearfully. I hesitated, not answering. “Please, Ryan. I need you.”

I hesitated another moment, listening to her cry.

“Yeah,” I said, finally. “I’ll be right over.”

----------------------------------------------
I got slightly suspicious when she opened the door to her apartment, no signs showing on her face that she had been crying.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said, staring up at me. I stared back, waiting for her to say something. But she didn’t say anything.

“Well, are you going to tell me why you needed me to come over?” I asked.

“I’m fine now,” she said. “It was nothing really. Sorry for bothering you.”

She started to close the door but I stopped her.

“Are you telling me you called me here for nothing?” I asked. As she looked at me, she bit her lip and looked as if she was arguing with herself about something.

“Well…it wasn’t for nothing,” she said. “I just, changed my mind.”

“Changed your mind?” I asked. She nodded. I sighed. “Are you sure you’re ok? You sounded pretty upset on the phone.”

“I’m fine,” she said, smiling. A fake smile. It was obvious.

“You’re lying,” I said, watching as her smile dropped and she frowned. “Tell me why you called me here.”

“Just forget about it,” she said. “Now please leave.”

“But you called me here,” I said, exasperated. “I think I deserve to know why, at least.”

“I told you not to worry about,” she said. “I just changed my mind.”

“But changed your mind about what?” I asked, annoyed. She hesitated, again looking like she was arguing with herself.

“This,” she said finally before her lips were pressed to mine, catching me completely off guard. It took me a minute to get over the shock, but I pushed her away quickly.

“What are you doing?” I asked, completely shocked.

“I told you on the phone,” she said, and I saw her eyes starting to tear up. “I need you.”

I shook my head.

“You’re with Brendon,” I said. “I’m not going to help you cheat on him.”

I took a step back, and I saw pain and hurt flash on Jane’s face. She was crying now.

“Don’t leave Ryan,” she said. “I need you.”

“No you don’t,” I said. “You have Brendon.”

“I know…but, Brendon’s just…I don’t know,” she said. “I love him. But…I just need something else.”

“Well find ‘something else’ elsewhere,” I said, turning to leave. “See you later.”

“Ryan wait,” she said. I looked back at her. And there was this look in her eyes. It wasn’t right. She was again thinking about something. “If you leave Ryan, I’ll hurt myself.”

I shook my head in disbelief.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said. “Don’t be overdramatic Jane. I’m going home.”

“I swear I will,” she said. I sighed. She was making this hard for me. I really wanted to stay. But I didn’t want Brendon to get hurt. She was offering me what I had always wanted. I heard her sniffling. God, why does she have to cry?

I turned around, and as I headed back towards her, I saw her eyes light up with hope.

When I was again in front of her, I leaned down and pressed my lips against hers as I placed my hands on her waist, pulling her close to me. Her arms were around my neck instantly, trying to press my face as close to hers as she possibly could. And as we moved into her apartment, shutting the door behind us, I couldn’t help but think that this was a mistake. That nothing good would come from this.

And I was right.

Present

“Hello?” I said, answering my phone.

“Ryan,” Jane said. “It’s Jane.”

“I know,” I said. “What do you want?”

“Can you come over?” she asked.

“Did you make a decision?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said.

“Then yes,” I said. “I can come over.”

I hung up the phone, and put my shoes on before leaving for Jane’s apartment.

She opened the door immediately after I knocked and let me in.

“Have a seat,” she said, gesturing towards the couch. I sat. She sat next to me. “I’m choosing Brendon.”

She watched me for a reaction. I didn’t give her one. But I honestly felt like she had punched me. She waited a moment before continuing.

“I know that yesterday I told you that I love you, but I don’t,” she said. “I said it without thinking. There’s really nothing between us. Our whole relationship was only ever about sex. There was no time for feelings.”

Another punch.

Again, she waited for a reaction. For me to say something. But I didn’t budge. I stayed neutral. I didn’t speak. I stared at her.

“I’m really sorry Ryan,” she said. “We just have to put this behind us. It’s what’s best.”

I nodded my head.

“Fine,” I said, finally speaking. She smiled weakly at me.

“I knew you’d understand,” she said.

“I didn’t say I understood,” I said. I stood up, heading to the door. “See you around.”

“Ryan,” she said. I turned to look at her. “Are we going to be ok?”

“I doubt it,” I said. “Cause you see, you may not love me. But I did love you.”

She opened her mouth, looking as if she was going to say something. But she must have changed her mind because she closed her mouth, and looked away from me.

“You should have told me sooner,” she mumbled.

“Would that really change anything?” I asked. She didn’t say anything. “That’s what I thought.”

I left the apartment, walking away from Jane. She had hurt me. But it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I guess once you really get to see the true side of someone, it changes everything you feel. What you thought you felt.

I had convinced myself, that the whole time I was with Jane that I had no choices. But at the time, she had been what I wanted. What I thought I had needed. I could have stayed away from her. But I had chosen to have an affair with her. I’m sure after that first night I could have left when I wanted. I just chose to continue the relationship.

And Jane. I think she was just confused. I don’t think she knew what she really wanted. But I was done with her. Whatever choices she made in the future, I would not be a part of them. I would only be a memory to her. And nothing else.