Can You Keep A Secret

Wednesday was one of the most emotionally exhausting days Kevin Jonas had ever been through; and it was barely even eight at night. The hundreds of nameless, faceless people that had paraded through the funeral home to pay their respects to Danielle over the course of the morning and now evening sessions had become a blur to him hours earlier. By three that afternoon he had perfected the art of nodding, smiling tightly, accepting whatever form of physical comfort they wanted to provide and whispering, "Thank you", all at once.

He glanced down at his lap and gently stroked Nicole's curls. Her head was resting on his thigh and she was curled up with her thumb in her mouth on the couch that had been provided for him and his children. Though, if his parent's weren't here he would have loudly said "Fuck appearances" and put the couch at the back of the room so his children didn't have to sit and stare at their mother in a coffin a mere ten feet in front of them.

He had asked Becky to bring the children to the funeral home for the evening service; she had entertained them during the day at the hotel nearby until Kevin had returned at five o'clock. A quick dinner with his children had followed while their nanny took an hour for herself before he had to leave again. He had been expected to arrive back before the seven o'clock start of the evening session and Becky had arrived with the children by seven-thirty.

Since Nicole and James' arrival Kevin hadn't moved from his position on the couch with his daughter. Out of the corner of his eye he saw James standing next to Danielle's father, his small arm wrapped around the taller man's upper thigh and head resting on his hip. Danielle's father's hand gently resting on the child's head in a comforting gesture that allowed Kevin to focus on his youngest. He couldn't help but appreciate the irony of the fact that the presence of his in-law's was more comforting to him then the chilly specter of his own parents on the other side of the room. His mother-in-law had been carefully catering to his every need all day; while his own mother avoided him unless absolutely necessary.

A swivel of his head revealed Joe standing with his own wife, sons and Frank towards the back of the room, greeting people as they walked in; he too, like the boy's parents had not had one single word to say to his older brother. Nick was standing with Emma in the opposite corner from Joe, holding a tired looking Elaine, and talking to Danielle's older sister quietly. The figures moved around the room, cycling Kevin, though never fully approaching, as though he was the center of their universe and they were afraid they would shatter him. He almost laughed at the irony. Instead he gently moved his sleeping daughter's head and stood up, quickly walking out of the small chapel, pulling a pack of cigarettes out as he left the funeral home.

"Kevin?" Nick's voice called from near the front door of the building a few minutes later. Kevin looked up from where he stood across the parking lot under a street lamp and waved. He waited as his younger brother approached, hands stuffed deep into his pockets. "You ok?"

At this question Kevin did finally laugh; a harsh, barking laugh that echoed around the lot.

"Yea Nick. I'm just great," he muttered. "Do you realize that half of the people in that room hate me? And the rest just don't know enough to muster up that emotion?"

"That's not true and you know it," his brother replied quietly causing Kevin to roll his eyes and snort. "It's not."

"Mom, Dad and Joe hate me Nick. I'm never going to know about Frank being that he's avoided me for years. Danielle's parents still think I'm this idyllic husband who just loved their daughter. They'd hate me if they knew the truth."

"That's only a few people inside then," Nick tried joking, blushing when it was simply met by a raised eyebrow from his oldest brother.

"That's the only people that matter," Kevin whispered. "The rest are relatives of Dani's I don't know or really give two shits about. Where the fuck is our family Nicky?"

"I'm sure they'll be by tomorrow," his brother assured him. "There's another session then. Or they'll be here for the funeral."

"Or they've just written me off too. Mom and Dad talk. They don't care about appearances anymore."

"I don't know what to tell you Kevin."

"I don't know what to tell myself to be perfectly honest," Kevin admitted and took another drag on his cigarette. "I broke up with Ryan," he added a few minutes later, again almost laughing at Nick's reaction.

"You what?"

Kevin nodded and shrugged, "It was time."

"Fucking hell Kevin," Nick hissed looking worried. "Why would you do that? Especially now?"

"Because my wife is dead Nick."

"And what? Ryan was only good when you were married? Now that there's nothing wrong with it you dump her?"

"No," Kevin whispered looking slightly nauseous. "Now that I can't look at her without seeing Danielle dead I end things. I shouldn't blame her, but I do. I blame both of us."

"The kids are going to need a mother Kevin."

"The kids have...had...a mother Nick," Kevin corrected. "Ryan isn't their mother."

"You've told me for years you wished she was."

"I was wrong."

"Fuck you Kevin," Nick snapped. "I'm sorry. But fuck you. That girl kept your head on straight for years and you're just going to throw that way? What are you going to do now?"

"Take care of my children and help them get through this."

"And who's going to help you?" Silence greeted Nick's question and the younger of the two brothers nodded before adding, "That's what I thought."

"I'll be fine Nick. I don't need help. I just need to focus on the kids."

"Just try not to focus yourself straight into the bottom of a bottle."

"I never had a drinking problem," Kevin muttered.

"Yet," Nick snapped and turned around to walk back across the lot. "Are you coming back in?"

"In a minute."

"Fine. I'll see you in there then."

"Yea," Kevin whispered and lit another cigarette suddenly wishing he had grabbed his winter jacket before he walked outside as he had no intention of re-entering the building until someone told him Nicole had woken up.
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Kevin stared at the beautiful brunette standing across from him and unabashedly let a tear fall from his eye. He had been waiting for this day since the moment he saw her in the hotel. Danielle Delesa was about to become Danielle Jonas; or at least she was if the preacher would hurry up and move the ceremony along already.

The cynical thought was quickly shaken off as quickly as it came to mind and Kevin turned his attention back to Danielle's beautiful face, draped in the netting of her veil, as she spoke the words that promised her to him for the rest of their lives and their eternal rest.

Kevin barely recognized the words he spoke in response, though the bright smile on his fiance's face told him he had chosen wisely, he only knew how much love he felt in that moment and how he had never known a greater joy or contentment.

"I love you," he whispered on the end of the words he had repeated after the preacher while sliding a ring on Danielle's finger.

"I love you too Kevin," she replied, crying silent and obviously ecstatic tears.

"You may kiss the bride kid," the preacher joked when Kevin continued to just stand and stare at Danielle. Off the words he smirked slightly and gently drew her closer before pressing a soft kiss, that he quickly deepened slightly, on her mouth. "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great joy to pronounce to you for the first time Mister and Missus Paul Kevin Jonas."

Kevin pulled away from Danielle at the sound of thunderous applause and met her eyes as they both began laughing nervously. Another soft peck followed before Danielle gathered her bouquet from her maid of honor and took his arm to walk down the isle together and begin greeting their guests as husband and wife.

"This was perfect," Danielle whispered to Kevin quietly before the guests began shuffling past them. "Thank you."

"It was only perfect because it was you and me," he answered his wife with the honest truth he felt in his heart. "We're going to be happy for a long time."

"Forever," Danielle corrected, gently stroking his cheek before kissing him lightly.

"Forever," Kevin agreed.
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"Miss? Can I help you?"

Ryan glanced up from the board she was reading and smiled tightly at the man in the suit who stood before her curiously before replying, "Actually, yes. I was looking for the chapel of Danielle Jonas."

"I'm sorry miss, but the service doesn't begin for another two hours."

"Yes," Ryan agreed and nodded quickly. "I know that; however, I'm flying out of town this afternoon and I have to be at the airport in about an hour. I was hoping I could duck in and pay my respects?"

The man frowned and examined Ryan's face; the red head was praying her expression showed the proper amount of hope combined with sorrow from losing a beloved friend.

"What is your relation to Mrs. Jonas?"

"She's," Ryan began and paused considering his question. "She's a dear friend."

"Make it quick please? I'm not sure when the family will be arriving. It's Chapel B, right down the hall."

"Thank you," Ryan gasped out, fairly shocked that she was being allowed in. She quickly hurried down the hallway and opened the door that said Chapel B above it. All the lights except for two small table lamps were turned off leaving the room in a murky darkness that sent goosebumps up Ryan's arms. She slowly walked around the bank of chairs that filled the center of the room and approached the open casket nervously.

Her eyes trailed over Danielle's still beautiful face and sighed deeply, lowering herself onto the kneeler that was set next to the casket for friends and family to pay their respects at. She slowly removed a pale blue, hand painted, rosary from her purse, genuinely scared to disturb the heavy silence that enveloped the empty room and tucked it under Danielle's hands so it wouldn't be easily seen. The cool flesh of Danielle's hand sent a shiver down Ryan's spine but she forced herself to leave her hand on top of the older woman's for a few more moments as her mouth silently offered a prayer for the deceased.

"I never wanted this," she whispered quietly as she took her hand back and braced herself on the edge of the kneeler. Ryan braced her head in her hands and felt a few tears leak out from her tightly closed eyes. "You could have ruined me and you didn't," Ryan added as though Danielle was sitting across from her, alive and well. "You told me I'd understand one day. I don't."

Ryan sighed and wiped at her face as she thought of Kevin's now motherless children and how completely unfair the situation was. She had wanted Kevin for her own; just not like this. Not when she had lost him anyway.

"If you had asked me to leave him that day; I would have," Ryan added softly, barely above a whisper. "Why didn't you? You could have spared us all so much pain."

"She loved him too much," a male voice answered Ryan's question and had the red head spinning around in shock as she stumbled to her feet. Her eyes, bright with unshed tears, met equally teary brown from a few feet behind her. Ryan watched fearfully as Joe Jonas slowly lowered himself down into a kneeling position and grabbed her hand in his to pull her down with him so they were both kneeling in front of the casket. "Don't look so shocked. I loved my sister in law; I have nothing else to do right now. I thought I'd come and have a moment alone with her."

"I can leave," Ryan replied; not wanting to take any time away from Danielle's family, and being more then a little afraid over being alone with someone she knew hated her.

"I miss my brother," Joe continued as if Ryan hadn't spoken; though his eyes never left Danielle's form. "I miss him so much sometimes it physically hurts me."

"I know you think I took him away," Ryan spoke carefully, trying to find the right words to say in the situation but stopped when Joe shook his head negatively.

"It wasn't your fault," the man stated firmly. "And I never blamed you Ryan. I also don't hate you," he added bitterly. "Are you my favorite person? No. Will I ever truly be able to like you? I don't know. But I don't hate you."

"You shouldn't hate Kevin either Joe," she told him. "He made some mistakes."

"Yea; he did. But it was less about the drugs and the women," he told her candidly. "And more about what the drugs and the women did to Dani."

Ryan studied the older man for a few seconds as his words processed in her head; she watched his expression and where his eyes never wavered from and spoke before she fully thought about it, "You were in love with her."

Joe chuckled darkly and snorted, "Nick told me you were smart."

"That's why you and Kevin," she whispered as the entire situation suddenly made sense to her.

"It took a long time," Joe admitted with a shrug. "And I never did anything about it. I do love my wife, much more then I loved Danielle even. But seeing someone I had known for so long, seeing her deteriorate so much for something that wasn't even her fault? And to see her hang on to him so hard? That's what killed me and Kevin."

"Does he know?"

"I don't know what Kevin knows anymore," Joe muttered bitterly. "If I did I might be able to repair things between us."

"You can!"

Joe merely shook his head and rubbed his eyes, "We can't. I've accepted that. Don't you have a flight to catch?"

"Oh," Ryan blushed. "I lied."

"Figured," Joe replied smirking as they both continued to kneel and stare at Danielle.

"What did you mean when you came in here?" Ryan asked him. "When you said she loved him too much?"

Joe sighed and stood up gesturing for Ryan to follow him, which she did. They slowly walked towards the back doors together and stopped on the inside of the closed Chapel staring at one another with mere inches separating their bodies. Gently Joe raised her chin with his finger and braced his hands on her shoulders looking the red head straight in the eye.

"Danielle knew that you were the one who got him clean. You were the one he changed for. You; and yes, to a certain extent the kids. But it was you, not her, that was able to convince him he was killing himself. She was too afraid of what would happen if he lost you."

"The evil you know; rather then the evil you don't," Ryan whispered as the understanding Danielle had spoke of suddenly became clear to the much younger woman. She blinked and lowered her head as a tear rolled down her cheek, only to be brushed away by Joe's thumb. "I feel like an idiot. He left me."

Joe sighed and nodded, frowning deeply, "Doesn't surprise me."

"I love him Joe; I feel stupid telling you that. But I do."

"That doesn't surprise me either," Joe mumbled softly and pulled the now sobbing woman into his arms gently. "Kevin's complicated Ryan. You have to know that by now."

Ryan nodded silently into Joe's suit jacket, privately appreciating the irony of the situation, before she pulled back and wiped her face, "Thanks Joe. I really am sorry for everything."

"I know you are," Joe replied and opened the door for her to leave through. She glanced back a few seconds later, surprised to see him still standing there and watching her intently. "Ryan?"

"Yea?"

"Danielle never considered you evil. She's probably going to strike me down where I stand for this, but, we talked about you on occasion. She and I, that is. And well, in a strange way, she respected you. Don't give up on my idiot brother; Danielle was a smart cookie and she knew what could happen without you around."

"I won't," Ryan replied honestly. "But I need to leave for a little while. I can't be around him with things the way they are right now. I won't be any good to him that way."

Joe nodded and without another word went back into the Chapel, the door closing firmly behind him with a solid click. Ryan turned again and quickly left the funeral home in New Jersey; and for the first time in almost four years she didn't feel like there was a black shadow following her or a hundred pound weight sitting on her back.
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The steady beeping from the monitor beside her, combined with the bright sunlight streaming through the open curtains of her hospital room kept Ryan awake despite the fact that all she wanted to do was sleep. She had decided that morning when she woke up after surgery the night before that she was just going to sleep. Sleep until the physical pain went away and after that she would deal with the emotional pain. So far the nurses seemed intent on keeping her awake by blinding her with the reflection off the December snowfall.

The chair sitting by her bedside had been empty, as far as Ryan knew, since she had arrived at the hospital the prior evening. She knew Kevin had brought her to the hospital in the midst of a miscarriage and according to the nurses he had stayed until the doctor informed him she would be fine. Two hours later her mild concussion had turned out to be far more serious then the doctor had diagnosed resulting in the bandages that now covered the sides of Ryan's head from the burr holes that had been drilled in order to relieve the pressure.

The red-head finally just took a deep breath and forced her eyes closed in the hopes of drifting to sleep; her pain medication was being monitored incredibly closely due to her brain injury and she currently felt like her entire body had been beaten within an inch of her life. When she opened her eyes again she was surprised to see the room pitch dark and glanced to the wall across from her to see she had slept most of the afternoon away being that it was now eight at night.

"Would you like some water? Wait, are you allowed to have water?"

Ryan turned her head slowly to the chair that she had fully expected to still be empty; only to see her lover's wife perched on the edge of it, a book open in her lap. Ryan blinked in surprise and continued to stare as Danielle poured her a glass of water from a pitcher and placed it on the movable table that was currently pushed over Ryan's bed.

"They brought your dinner in about ten minutes ago. If it's cold I'll go downstairs to the cafeteria for you."

"What are you doing here?" They were the only words the younger woman could choke out through her shock. "I mean, why?"

"Because someone should be and if my husband is too much of a coward you shouldn't be punished for that."

"No," Ryan shook her head. "I mean, how did you know I was here?"

"The hospital called the apartment about the complication and left a message. Apparently in Kevin's, well deserved, shaken up state he gave them the house number rather then his cell."

"Where's Kevin?"

"I don't know," Danielle answered honestly. "I originally came here to rip into him and then I realized he wasn't here. So I stayed."

Ryan pushed herself up on the bed and winced until Danielle jumped up and gently pushed her back down, grabbing the bed controls at the same time. Ryan sat stunned as Danielle gently raised the back of the bed and helped Ryan adjust until she was sitting comfortably. She quietly pulled the top off of her dinner and had to swallow as the smell of the food sent waves of nausea rolling around her stomach. She subconsciously covered her mouth and pushed the tray away an inch or two, closing her eyes to block the sight of the simple bowl of soup as well.

"You have to eat," Danielle told her near silently. "I know you don't want to; but you have to."

"Do you know why I'm here?" Ryan asked suddenly, ignoring the advice about the food. "Why are you here? You shouldn't be here. This is wrong."

"I do know why you're here Ryan. Unethical though it may be, I told the doctor on the phone I was your sister. It wasn't the baby's fault; that baby shouldn't have died."

"It was my fault," Ryan whispered, her hands resting awkwardly on her abdomen. "I insisted we go out. I hadn't seen him in a few days and I wanted a normal night out. I'm so sorry Danielle."

"Don't apologize," Kevin's wife told Ryan seriously. "Apologies mean nothing in this kind of situation. What are you sorry you slept with my husband? 'Cause if you were you wouldn't have done it in the first place, let alone continued doing it."

Ryan nodded at the words, knowing the older woman was completely correct and justified in her anger. She studied Danielle's face for a moment and opened her mouth before closing it again. It took a few more tries but she finally managed to get the words she was searching for out, "Do you want me to leave him?"

Danielle dropped back in what appeared to be honest shock at Ryan's request before she shook her head and answered, "No."

"No?"

"No," Danielle repeated firmer. "I don't like this. I don't even have to accept this. And believe me, he will get hell from me over it. But, I have my reasons and you'll understand them one day."

"I really don't think I ever will," Ryan whispered, shocked to her bones over what she had just heard.

"Don't think this is permission Ryan," Danielle finally spoke again. "And if he ever leaves you of his own volition? Well, I won't be upset. But you better have a damn good reason for leaving him if you do. You loved him enough to pursue whatever it is you two have - despite his marriage. You better love him for the long haul. Though, you also better live with the way your life is now; because, I'm never leaving him. I love my husband."

Ryan nodded, avoiding Danielle's eyes, and realized what she had just accepted in that motion. A life without marrying, children or any real future. Her heart shattered in her chest in that instant and she ashamedly wiped at the tears that were flowing freely down her cheeks, muffling the sobs that came soon after in her hands. And when strong, feminine arms wrapped around her body and rubbed her back Ryan merely cried harder.

"I want my baby," she gasped out, ignoring in that moment exactly who Danielle was. "Oh god I want my baby back."

"I know," Danielle whispered soothingly and rocked Ryan in her arms humming softly. "God has a plan though Ryan. God always has a plan."

"Yea? Well, this was a shitty one," Ryan choked out through her tears harshly.

"I don't disagree," Danielle reluctantly admitted and pressed a small packet into Ryan's hands. "Here. I figured with a name like Ryan Matteson you were probably Irish Catholic. I stepped across the street earlier and got these for you. They're blessed. I figured, it couldn't hurt."

Ryan pulled away and stared at the small leather pouch that she knew would contain a rosary and again let herself go into her grief as the least likely person she ever expected to comfort her sat until she cried herself to sleep.
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Kevin pulled the collar of his overcoat higher over his neck in an attempt to block out the ice cold damp that had been the weather all morning. He had woken up hoping for a nice day, mainly as he had to bring the kids out in whatever weather they were graced with; however, all morning throughout the service and straight through the burial a steady mix of sleet had fallen only lightening up fifteen minutes earlier.

He glanced behind him to see the idling limo up by the road that ran through the cemetery. He knew his kids were sitting inside with Danielle's parents; though everyone else appeared to have left. Kevin, however, hadn't been able to move from this spot since the casket had been lowered into the ground a half hour earlier. The hole was still unfilled with dirt, the grave diggers waiting patiently a few yards away, and Kevin could see the piles of flowers that had been tossed inside onto the casket. He had a feeling that visual would haunt him for a long time to come.

"Don't really know what I'm supposed to say here. Everything I keep thinking of sounds either too crass or like a lie. I won't apologize; you deserve more then that. But I hope you knew that through everything I really did always love you. I'll make sure the kids are as okay as possible. I don't know how I'm going to do it; but I will. If I don't you have full permission to come down from Heaven and kick my ass. Good-bye Dani."

Kevin finally dropped the single, perfect, red rose he had been holding into the hole, watching as it hit the casket below and rolled until it fell off and into the dirt next to the box. Sighing deeply he turned and walked away, trudging up the mud covered hill until he was able to climb silently into the car to gather his children into his arms.

He watched the scenery pass from the corner of his eye and tried not to think of how torturous the family dinner they were heading to was going to be. His parents had insisted, said it was traditional, no matter how much all he wanted to do was take his children back to their home in Manhattan, feed them himself and lay down and do nothing but keep their minds of the fact that their mother was dead. And if he was being honest with himself, keep his own mind off the fact that in the course of less then a week he had lost the only two women he had ever really loved.

And he blamed himself for both.