Can You Keep A Secret

Kevin let his eyes skim over the page in front of him for the fifth time before dropping the book onto the couch next to him with a sigh and removing his glasses in exasperation. The living room mantle clock told him it was approaching one in the morning the Monday night after Danielle's burial; but his body was unable to succumb to sleep. In fact, he hadn't gotten more then a few short naps throughout the weekend. The children hadn't wanted to leave his side and between entertaining them during the day and getting kicked through the night, sleep hadn't been an option. Tonight, being the first night they had chosen to sleep in their own beds again, Kevin had hoped for at least a few hours rest. He just hadn't been able to bring himself to enter the master bedroom alone.

He chuckled darkly, under his breath, as he realized he was beginning to miss the tension that was previously present in his home. The old tension, that he used to think of as an inescapable weight lying on his shoulders, had at least been alive. It had be stifling, but it had fought back. It had simmered occasionally to tolerable levels. The tension running through his home now was insufferable. The silence was a constant reminder that a member of their family was gone and Kevin still didn't exactly know what to do about it.

He slowly stood up, stretching as he went, and shuffled quietly out of the living room towards the bedrooms to check on the children. James' room was first; he quietly entered the bedroom, stepping his way over a few toys that had been left out, and tucked his son's blankets closer around his chin. Reaching down he smoothed the boys hair away from his face and gently stroked his finger down the child's soft cheek. Kevin felt his eyes begin to burn the longer he stood there so with a deep breath he carefully picked his way back out of the bedroom and closed the door over behind him.

His mind was a blur as he moved the rest of the way down the hallway until he reached his daughter's room. This door was already cracked, to let some hallway light in, and he frowned as he realized she wasn't in her bed. A glance around the bedroom revealed the two and a half year old sitting in front of her doll house and talking quietly to her bear.

"Nicki sweetie? What're you doing awake?"

"Talkin to Charlie Daddy," Nicole replied in a whisper. "You'll wake the dollies. Gotsta be quiet."

The exhaustion his body had been seeped in for days began to kick in finally, in that moment, and Kevin had to muffle the groan that he wanted to expel. Slowly he sank to the floor on his knees next to her, deciding to leave the lights off in the hopes that it would make the toddler less awake and reached out to softly stroke her curls as she occupied herself with her bear.

"Sweetie, you really need to sleep," he pointed out after a few more minutes. "You know you can't be up this late."

"I know," she responded quietly, after a long pause. Kevin waited, because despite her young age, he could see a question in her face. The child crawled over closer to him and climbed into his lap a few seconds later, resting her entire weight on his chest in the process and nearly causing him to fall out of his half crouched position. "Daddy?" she asked him, after he had readjusted himself into a seated position on the floor.

"Yes Princess?"

"Is Mommy ever comin' home?"

Kevin sighed and closed his eyes briefly as the question repeated itself throughout his mind. He had been warned about this, by Danielle's countless, well meaning relatives. He had explained it to the child; but at her age, she either didn't fully understand or didn't want to. He lowered his head and gently pressed his lips to the crown of her head, leaving them rest there for a few seconds before pulling away and opening his mouth to speak; then near immediately shutting it again.

"Daddy?"

Finally, at the second prompt Kevin stood up, cradling her small body in his arms and approached her bed where he lowered her onto it and waited as she begrudgingly climbed under the covers and laid down. Once she was settled, and tucked under the blankets, Kevin pulled a small stool over to the side of the bed and took a seat. His eyes examined her pudgy cheeks, small lips and button nose in awe. Her big brown eyes gazed up at him in confusion and he watched as her lips formed a small pout.

"Daddy!"

"Nicki sweetie, we talked about this."

"Yea; when's Mommy comin' home?"

"Nicole," he whispered and watched his daughter carefully as she began avoiding his eyes and studying Charlie intently. "Nicole look at me," he tried, this time with some authority in his voice. The tone was rewarded with her ingrained reaction; she immediately obeyed. He wasn't often strict with the children; therefore, when he used that tone they knew not to ignore it. "Nicole, Mommy's in heaven with the angels. Remember?"

"I don't want her to be there."

"I know you don't sweetie. I don't want her to be there either. But sometimes things happen that we can't control; no matter how much we want something different," he explained gently. His mother had told him to tell Nicole it was God's plan. He just couldn't stomach the thought of his children thinking God wanted their mother out of their lives. "And Mommy had an accident and she died. But, she's in heaven now and she's looking over you always."

He watched her little face begin to crumble; her bottom lip trembling against the top, her nose scrunched up and her eyes squinting. Then, before he could gather her into his arms she just stopped. She breathed in and out a few times and finally rolled over away from him.

"Nicole?"

"I sweep now," she whispered, in an incredibly childish, even for her age, tone.

"Princess?"

"Sweep time," she mumbled.

A glance over her body showed her eyes squeezed shut tightly and Charlie clutched to her chest. He dropped his head in resignation and gently rested his hand on her head, rubbing the back of it softly for a moment before kissing her forehead, "Okay Princess. I'll see you in the morning. I love you."

"I wuv you too Daddy," she mumbled and then sat up straight in bed. "Wait!"

"Yes?"

"You be here in the morning right?"

"Of course baby. I'm gonna be right down the hall in my room."

"You promise?"

"I promise. If I'm not in my room. I'll probably be in my study or the living room or the kitchen," he told her, listing every other room in the apartment. "But I won't leave the apartment without telling you."

Nicole breathed an audible sigh of relief and laid back down, this time visibly more relaxed and then blew a kiss at him. Kevin smiled softly and repeated the gesture before closing over the door, making sure to leave it cracked slightly and then slowly heading, reluctantly, towards his own bedroom.

When the reached the doorway of the master bedroom he couldn't bring himself to cross the threshold and instead leaned heavily against the frame of the door. He could vaguely see the outline of the furniture in the room, the brass of the night stand lamps reflecting the hall light and illuminating just enough for his tired brain to reconstruct the entire room in his head. Not for the first time since the funeral on Friday the thought of selling the large apartment crossed his mind; but the fear of what any more disruption at the moment could do to his children made him put his own mental comfort on the back burner of his priorities and the thought passed.

Minutes passed and Kevin finally gave up on the idea of sleeping in his own bed that night. Instead, he turned and continued down the hallway until he reached his office where he bypassed his desk and sank tiredly onto the couch. Leaning forward he unscrewed the top of the whiskey bottle he had left on the table and quickly poured himself a tumbler of the amber liquid before picking it up and dropping back into the leather cushions with a sigh. The dark room felt like it was closing in on him as he nursed the liquor and tried to drown out the even darker thoughts that had been cycling through his mind every moment he hadn't been forced to focus on his children.

An hour later, when the liquor hadn't worked, he shakily rose from the couch and carefully picked his way across the dark room until he reached his safe where he kneeled down and keyed in the unlock code. Pulling the door open his eyes rested on newest contents, that he had stored there the evening before, and he frowned. The leather bag had never seen the inside of his home, had never left his office in fact, and hadn't been even in his presence in almost four years. The guilt of the phone call he had made the day before had been weighing on his mind, along with everything else, but at the moment it was the only thing he could think to make everything go away for a few hours. So, with a resigned sigh, Kevin reached in and grabbed the bag, unzipping it to stare at the both familiar and unfamiliar contents. He quickly ignored the bag of white powder and instead pulled out two pill bottles; one labeled, trazadone and one labeled, klonopin.

"Just for tonight," he muttered, shaking two of each of the heavy sedatives out into his hand and tossing them back with the rest of his whiskey. "I just need to sleep. Just tonight."
------------------------------------------------------
"Hi," Kevin muttered uncomfortably as he walked into his office the morning after his wife's burial. He vaguely gestured towards his filing cabinets and quietly told the man behind him, "That's pretty much the day to day paperwork. You should know what's what."

"Yes sir," Matt, the dark haired middle-aged man replied and walked over towards the cabinets and began reading the outside slips while Kevin watched the confused red head stare at his actions.

"Kevin? What?"

Kevin sighed and began studying the floor as he shifted his feet and considered how exactly to say what he had decided. He hadn't been expecting Ryan to be at the club that early as she usually didn't arrive until well after two on Saturday's. He knew her movement well enough to sense that she had left his desk and was slowly crossing the room; and, he knew her well enough to be picture the slowly dawning horror that would be crossing her beautiful features. So when her feet suddenly entered his field of vision he raised his head and met her eyes blankly.

"Ryan, that's Matt Sellers."

"From Mystique," she supplied, the questioning tone in her voice more then prominent. "What's he doing here?"

"I called him on Thursday," Kevin explained quietly and glanced out of the corner of his eye to see Matt carefully avoiding looking in their direction for which Kevin was incredibly grateful. Mystique was one of their strongest competitors and Kevin knew the only way to do what he was about to do was if he had Matt on board. "He's going to take over."

"Take over?"

"Your job," Kevin replied bluntly and immediately found his left hand tightly in his curls; a nervous tick that he hated, mainly because he knew Ryan would read it like a book.

"My what?"

"Your job," he repeated and forced a cold expression onto his face. "I'm letting you go Ryan. It's going to be too," he continued and then cut himself off. "Nevermind why. Your salary will be paid until you find another position. But that's all I can offer you."

He watched as Ryan stared at him in shock and then laughed harshly until her blue eyes welled with tears a few seconds later. It took all his composure not to kiss her as she caught her bottom lip between her teeth and began staring at the ceiling; her breaths coming in short bursts through her nose.

"Whatever," she finally whispered and turned around to stalk towards his desk where she picked up her purse and immediately walked out leaving the office in stifling silence.

"So, Mr. Jonas," Matt spoke up after a few seconds, breaking Kevin's gaze from the office door. "If you could just walk me through how you'd like things done quickly? I'm sure I'll be able to pick it up without a problem."

"Right," Kevin mumbled and shook off all thoughts of the red-head he had forced out of his life and onto the task at hand.
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"Oh, uhh, hey Matteson."

Ryan glanced up from Kevin's office computer as the uncomfortable tone came from the doorway. She barely spared Matt Sellers a second glance before turning back to the time sheets she needed to submit to the payroll company that afternoon. She heard the, apparent, new bar manager walk into the office and begin going through drawers and almost laughed out loud. If he was doing his job according to Kevin's fairly strict schedule, he was looking through the wrong cabinet.

"Inventory lists are over two more," she spoke up finally after hearing another drawer shut in frustration.

"Thanks," was his mumbled reply. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Because, I have no idea what's going through Kevin's mind right now and I have a staff that needs to be paid."

"Had a staff," her rival responded and Ryan looked up to meet his smirking face. "You were fired; in fact, I could in theory call security."

"Cause they'd listen to you over me? I hired them."

"Either way; Mr. Jonas hired me and tossed you out on your ass kid. Them's the breaks."

"You're an asshole Sellers. You've always been an asshole. You'll always be an asshole. The only reason I didn't pitch a fit the other night is simple; despite being an asshole? You're actually not a moron."

"Glad you see it my way hot pants. Now get out."

Ryan sighed and tugged on her pony tail in frustration; appreciating the irony that for once she wasn't dressed to work the floor, despite it being a Wednesday. She hadn't actually planned on being at the club much longer anyway, even before Matt showed up.

"I'll leave when I finish pay roll. Mystique used Paychex. We use ADP. I need to get your staff paid for this cycle. You can spend the next two weeks learning a new system and a new company."

"How much longer is it going to take you?"

"I'm just about done," she admitted and began printing. "Kevin signed off on the time sheets a few days ago, I've sent everything in. Have Kevin sign this," she explained and pulled a sheet off the printer. "Fax it to the number at the top."

"I do know how to pay a staff Ryan," he replied with a snotty tone that had her rolling her eyes.

"I'm sure you do," she snapped back. "Hopefully you can keep them actually working for you. 'Cause news flash? They don't really like Kevin as much as he thinks they do."

"I don't care if they like him; I care if they do their jobs. I'm sure he's the same way."

"Except that he isn't," Ryan muttered and began gathering her things. "Kevin's, complicated."

"He can be as complicated as he wants Ryan," Matt replied with a shrug. "He just needs to sign what he needs to sign and let me do the job he hired me for. I'm his employee, not his babysitter or his mother."

"He needs both of those things," she responded in an exhausted tone, her eyes skimming around the office that she was so reluctant to leave.

"Well, he's not getting them from me," the older man told her honestly and then sighed. "Listen, I'm not an idiot Ryan. People talk in our circles."

"You don't know anything," she snapped back. "Without me he's going to spiral out of control again."

"And if he does? What are you going to do? Pick up the pieces again? And again? And again? I know more then you think."

The words he spoke hit Ryan in the gut and had her closing her eyes in resignation. Quietly she shook her head in the negative and replied, "I can't. Not again."

"Take the out Ryan. I promise I won't let him kill himself; but if he wants to go back down that road? I'm also not going to baby him and hold his hand. This is a great club Matteson; it can stand on its own."

"For how long?"

"Hey, give me a little credit here. I've been doing this for a few years longer then you."

Ryan actually found herself chuckling at the comment and couldn't help but privately agree with Kevin's decision to hire the older manager; at least, if he was that insistent on removing her from his life.

"Yea, alright. Fine," she finally whispered and grabbed her bag. "I'm gonna be out of town for, well, I'm not sure for how long. If anything comes up that you really can't handle? My cell number is floating around here somewhere."

And without another word Ryan Matteson walked out of the office and club that had become her home over the last few years and out into the cold March afternoon so she could go pack and make her flight very late that night.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryan slowly sipped her fifth glass of wine and stared at the numbers on the phone pad. Kevin's shocking words from earlier that afternoon were still playing through her head on repeat. She still couldn't quite wrap her head around the fact that not only had he ended their relationship; but he had fired her. The rage that had been building, to the point of overcoming her sadness, wasn't making her entirely comfortable either. Anger at Kevin was an unnatural feeling for the young woman; even though it was a feeling that many people had told her should have been present for years.

She had come to a decision as to what she should do next nearly two hours ago, but hadn't been able to bring herself to make the call yet. Her mantle clock told her it was nearly eleven at night; which meant it was almost eight in San Fransisco. Her sister's family would have finished dinner and been going about their nightly rituals of homework, grading and general togetherness. The loud snort of laughter that echoed her mental thoughts almost made the red-head feel guilty. Fortunately, the anger and depression were too heavily present inside of her to allow any other feelings.

"I wonder how many different ways Carrie can say I told you so?" she mumbled out loud and finally just keyed in her sister's home phone number.

"Hello?"

Ryan smiled, legitimately, upon hearing the young male voice pick up the phone and immediately replied, "Johnny!"

"Aunt Ryan!"

"How's my favorite nephew?"

"I'm your only nephew Aunt Ryan," the seven year old responded with a laugh. "I'm good."

"Good huh? That's good. School and everything good too?"

"Yup, I'm gonna play soccer in a few weeks again."

"Well, that is the most exciting news I've heard in a long time," she told him honestly. Ryan's relationship with her sister might be strained at the best of times; but her sister's children had nothing to do with that and despite having only physically seen them a handful of times Ryan had made sure to keep in touch every other way possible. "Hey kiddo? Is your Mommy there?"

"Yea," he replied quietly.

"I promise I'll talk to you soon buddy, but I really need to talk about something important with your Mom right now."

"Alright, I'll get her," he responded, his voice once again cheerful. "Mom!" Ryan heard yelled through the house and chuckled on her end of the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey Carrie," Ryan responded as she heard her sister's voice pick up.

"Ryan? What's up? Shouldn't you be at work?"

Ryan cursed internally as her somewhat intoxicated mind hadn't thought that excuse through yet and finally just shot back, "Took the night off. Migraine."

"Oh, but you haven't had those since you were sixteen."

"Eh, who knows. Maybe I'm getting my period. Listen, the reason I was calling is, Kevin's really pushing me to take some time off since he's going to be so busy with his family. So, I was thinking, maybe I could, ya know, come out there for a...while."

The silence that greeted her explanation left Ryan's stomach in knots and for a few seconds she thought her sister would say no. It was her sister's response that immediately shot holes in her story.

"He's encouraging you, who keeps his entire club running like an actual business, to take time off while he takes time off? What's really going on Ryan?"

"Nothing! Jesus. I can't just come see my family for a week or two?"

"You know you can come see us whenever you want. This is just really, really, not like you."

"Listen, can you just be my sister and not ask questions? For once in your life."

Carrie's exhaled breath was heard through the line and Ryan cringed, knowing she'd be getting a third degree when she got to San Fransisco, "When are you coming?"

"I'll be in early Thursday morning. There's some stuff I need to get done before Wednesday with the club's financials and then I'm free and clear for, well, until I decide I'm not free and clear anymore."

"You realize I'm not buying a word you're saying right?"

"You wouldn't be you if you did," Ryan replied back sweetly. "Give the kids a kiss for me but I wanna surprise them when I get there."

"Alright, email me your flight info and I'll make sure to get you. Spring break starts next week so I'll have off."

"Really?" Ryan replied in shock, while trying to mask her dismay. She had been hoping to have the house empty during the day so she could wallow. "That's great timing then huh?"

"Yes, you sound thrilled. I love you kiddo."

"Love you too Carrie," Ryan replied quietly. "I'll send you the flight info when I have it."

"Alright, bye."

"Yea, bye."