Can You Keep A Secret

"Crap, crap, more crap," Ryan muttered to herself as she laid sprawled out on her couch and flipped through channels distractedly. A glance at the cable box clock showed it to be approaching midnight. "Ugh, fuck it. He's got keys," she muttered and sat up, flipping the tv off with a sigh. She stretched and stood, grabbing her cell phone and flipping off lights, double checking the door locks and heading into her bedroom.

She pulled the covers back and climbed into bed with a tired sigh rubbing her eyes and flopping back onto her pillow. After a full ten minutes of tossing and turning and occasionally glancing at the clock she sat back up and grabbed her cellphone, dialing a familiar number and waiting as it rang.

"Hey you!"

"Hey Carrie," Ryan mumbled in reply to her older sister's greeting. "What's up?"

"I could ask you the same thing kid," the thirty year old woman replied. "It's late there."

"Yea, well, I can't sleep," Ryan responded. "What're you doing? It's only nine there."

"Sitting in the kitchen," Carrie answered simply. "Just got John and Allie to bed. Paul says hi."

Ryan closed her eyes and smiled as she had heard her brother-in-law call a hello seconds before her sister spoke. She could picture the two of them sitting at the kitchen table of the girl's childhood home in San Francisco; Paul was probably flipping through blueprints for work while Carrie either graded papers or perused lesson plans for her high school student's English classes. The visual sent a pain through her chest and she quickly shook it off.

"Hi Paul," she replied after a beat.

"What's wrong sissy?" Carrie finally asked quietly; Ryan heard the scrape of a chair and knew her sister had gotten up and left the room. "Did that bastard do something?"

"No Kevin didn't do anything," she replied biting her lip to contain the usual argument that followed anytime her sister degraded the man in question. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"So talk," was the response Ryan received.

"I miss you," Ryan finally whispered. She hadn't seen her sister in over a year, simply for her refusal to go back to the very house her remaining family lived in.

"That's easily fixed," Carrie replied. "Say the word; I'll get you a plane ticket. Your room is still here. Paul can have a job ready for you at the firm with a snap of his fingers."

"I don't want to work in an architecture firm," Ryan muttered as she distractedly poked at her chipped nail polish.

"You got your MBA last year Ryan," her sister replied sounding exasperated. "I highly doubt your dream was to work in a bar with that degree."

"It's an MBA Carrie," Ryan chuckled and rolled her eyes. "I can do pretty much anything business related with it. Kevin relies on me to handle a lot of the business end of things."

"And we find the root of the problem."

"Don't start," Ryan snapped. "Just because you don't like my boyfriend doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him."

"Oh doesn't it?" Carrie asked. "Let's break this down shall we?"

"Carrie," Ryan warned and contemplated hanging up but knew that it would only piss her sister off. Then the older sister would call back and there would be a much longer screaming match involved.

"Well what the fuck do you expect me to say to you Ryan? Am I supposed to just be ok with the whole situation?"

"You're supposed to be my sister."

"I am! I love you. That's why I'm so against this whole thing. Do you really want to spend your life like Mom did?"

Ryan opened her mouth to reply but the question brought her up short. She sat on her bed in silence for a few minutes, the only other sound being Carrie's breathing on the other end of the line and finally replied, "I am nothing like Mom."

"Ryan you are sleeping with a married man who has children. You were pregnant with his child. He still hasn't even brought up the idea of leaving his wife. How are you not like Mom?"

"Mom, couldn't cope," Ryan mumbled, carefully avoiding every other point her sister had brought up. "Mom just, gave up. She didn't try."

"Sometimes I forget how young you really are," Carrie whispered with a choked up tone in her voice. "Mom died of a broken heart Ryan."

"Mom killed herself," Ryan growled back. "She gave up."

"She killed herself over that man you insist on calling our father," Carrie snapped back. "You've defended him for years. Years Ryan. How many Christmas' and birthday's did he miss? Or fuck, you wanna know the truth? He forgot them Ryan. He forgot them."

"That's not true," Ryan replied her voice beginning to shake. "It's not Carrie!"

"Oh really? When was the last time you even saw him?" Ryan remained silent at the accusation and waited for the long used argument she knew was to follow. "You were ten years old the last time you saw him Ryan. Ten. When he left."

"He had to leave," she whispered quietly.

"He had to leave? Oh yea, he had to leave. He had to leave because his wife got a better job in Texas. So he picked up his family and moved. Do you remember what he said to you that day?" Ryan nodded; her sniffle cluing Carrie into the fact that her younger sister did in fact remember, "He told you to stop being a baby. You were crying for him and he told you to stop being a baby."

"Kevin's not like that!" Ryan screamed back, thankful that unlike her sister she didn't have children to worry about waking.

"Then why isn't he with you!?"

"He," she stammered. "He's...he can't. Ok. There are other things to worry about."

"Like what? His long dead pop star career and image? Fuck that Ryan. He's a fucking drug addict who's keeping you around for no strings sex. Just like Jake did to Mom."

"Kevin is nothing like Dad and I am nothing like Mom," Ryan replied suddenly feeling exhausted. "It's different."

"Ok, well, I'll believe you if you get knocked up again and he actually does something worthwhile. Until then he's yet to prove me wrong."

"I have to go," Ryan replied quickly.

"Ryan, sweetie," Carrie added suddenly nervous. "You know I love you. That's why this upsets me. I just want you to come home."

"No," Ryan said sternly. "I'm never going back to that house again," she added, thinking with a shudder of the home she had left the day she graduated high school and knew she would be going to college in New York City. The furthest point she could think to get away from her childhood. "Good night Carrie."

"Night Ry," her sister replied right before Ryan pushed the off button on her phone and curled up on the bed to cry.
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"Don't give me that shit Allison!"

Ryan's head snapped up at the sudden bellow from downstairs in the kitchen. The voice surprised her as she hadn't been expecting her father to come visit quite so close to the last one, two weeks earlier. The ten year old jumped off her bed, tossing aside her homework for now, and ran out of her bedroom and down the back staircase that led to the kitchen. Just as she reached the middle of the stairs however she paused when the volume of the voices fully registered.

"Please Jake," she heard her mother's voice beg. "You can't do this to me. What about the girls?"

"I have to Alli," her father replied sternly. "Maureen got a job offer to be a partner in a firm in Dallas. We can't turn that down."

"But what about your job?"

"I've already put in for a transfer to Dallas Fire Department," Ryan heard him reply and crept around the corner, peeking into the kitchen to see her parents standing and staring at each other. Her mother had tear streaks running down her face and her father's back was to her, but Ryan could almost picture the expression based on the way his shoulders were set.

"Daddy?" she whispered quietly, interrupting the adults.

"Go back upstairs Ryan," her mother responded but Ryan ignored the woman in favor of her father and came into the kitchen.

"You're leaving?"

Jake Ryan heaved a sigh and Ryan watched as he turned slowly to face her; she internally patted herself on the back when she realized she indeed had her father's expression pegged. The firm set of his jaw, big blue eyes ice cold surrounded by stern frown lines. The small hopeful smile she had on her face faded though as he crouched down in front of her and brushed her long red hair, a carbon copy of his own, out of her eyes and nodded, "I am."

"For how long?" she questioned innocently. The ten year old was very used to him coming and going; though it had only been this year that she had learned it wasn't because he lived in the fire house all the time, and in fact it was because he had another family. Carrie had been grounded for a month for that slip up.

"Well, kid, for good."

Ryan stared back at the older man for a few seconds as she processed the words. She could feel her lower lip trembling and immediately bit it to stop the action. The burning in her eyes couldn't be helped and before she could stop it she had thrown her arms around his neck and was sobbing, "No."

"Ryan," he grumbled in exasperation and quickly detangled her from his neck. "Stop it. You're a big girl now. You need to face some facts."

"But Daddy," she sniffled and tried to hold back the tears that so wanted to fall. "I'm sorry?"

"For what?"

"I dunno," she whispered. "But I'm sorry for it. Please stay?"

Jake Ryan's answering eye roll told the ten year old all she needed to know in that moment. She immediately started full out sobbing and tried to latch back onto her father, who quickly stood to avoid the embrace. The little girl continued to stand there and cry as the back door opened and her older sister walked in, freezing at the sight that greeted her.

"Munchkin?"

"Daddy's leaving," Ryan whispered through her tears and hurried over to Carrie's side, knowing the older girl would immediately gather her into a protective hug.

"What?" Carrie questioned in confusion. The sixteen year old had long ago abandoned any hope for a relationship with the man that was their father on a technicality of biology; so for her the news was almost joyous. However, she knew it would break her little sister who had worshiped their father from the time she was a baby. "Why?"

"Maureen has a good job offer in Dallas. She's taking it."

"Good," Carrie mumbled, holding Ryan's head to her stomach and covering her ears. "That'll be good for all of us."

"Caroline!" the girl's mother snapped looking horrified. "How can you say that?"

"Well what do you want me to say Mom? He's never around as it is."

"See, Caroline sees the logic in this," Jake replied. "For christ's sake Ryan. Stop acting like a baby."

Ryan felt her sisters arms tighten around her then, as her sobs became louder and harder, before Carrie picked her up and carried her up the stairs to her bedroom where she was held until she cried herself to sleep.

Later that night when Ryan woke up she crawled out of bed and walked across the hall to her sister's room. She gently pushed the door open and found Carrie sitting in bed reading a book. When the blonde, who had taken after the girl's mother as much as Ryan had taken after their father, looked up she waved her younger sister into the room and patted the bed next to her. Ryan quickly scrambled up and curled into a ball next to the older girl.

"Carrie?"

"Yea Munchkin?"

"Why?"

Ryan heard the older girl sigh and set her book down on the night table before replying, "Because he's a bastard."

"I love him."

"I know you do. But you shouldn't."

"But, it's our Dad," Ryan replied, as though that was the most simple and logical reason in the world.

"Do you know how Mom met Jake?"

Ryan started to nod quickly and then paused with a frown and realized she didn't, "No?"

"Mom was Christopher's first grade teacher."

"Who's Christopher?" Ryan asked in confusion, not quite sure why this person mattered as her mother had lots of students.

"Christopher is Jake's oldest son. Mom and Jake started sleeping together by December. I was born September the next year."

"Oh," Ryan nodded and she could tell by the look on Carrie's face that the older girl realized the ten year old didn't fully understand what she was trying to tell her.

"It's ok munchkin. You'll understand when you're a little older."

"Why can't Daddy stay with us?"

"Jake's moving his family to Dallas because his wife got a better job," Carrie repeated bluntly. "You're too smart to not be understanding this Ryan. So stop pretending to be confused."

"Fine," Ryan whispered. "I hate her."

"Who?"

"Maureen."

"Misplaced hate kiddo," Carrie replied and picked up her book again. "Are you sleeping in here?"

"Yea," Ryan responded before climbing under the covers. "I love you Carrie."

"I love you too munchkin. Get some sleep. You've got school in the morning."

"Carrie?" Ryan asked suddenly.

"Yea?"

"Umm, is Davey Ryan our brother?" Ryan questioned, thinking of the boy in the other fifth grade class who everyone always made fun of her for looking like.

Carrie froze at the question and looked down before nodding, "He is. And Kristen Ryan in the third grade is our sister. At least technically."

"Oh," Ryan whispered before lying back down again. "Do they know?"

"I don't think so," Carrie answered. "Why do you think Jake's never here?"

"He's a fireman. He's the Chief."

"Yea, that's why. Sure it is," Carrie muttered and stroked Ryan's hair distractedly. "Get some sleep."

Ryan laid awake for a good long while after, her young brain trying to put together things she was pretty sure she had always known and ignored. She didn't like the feelings she was developing towards the man she had always thought would eventually be just like the Dad's on TV and quickly pushed them aside to hold onto her childish dreams.
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Ryan sat up in bed when she heard a crash in the living room and immediately snapped the bedside light on. The clock next to her read almost three in the morning so she carefully climbed out of bed and crept towards the door nervously. She only relaxed when she heard Kevin's voice and slowly walked out to see what he was doing here so late. She paused in the entryway to the living room and stared in shock as he paced the length of her living room, gesturing wildly with a tumbler filled with amber liquid and talking to himself under his breath.

"Kevin?"

His bleary blood shot hazel eyes rose to meet her still sleepy blue; her first thought being that she hadn't seen his eyes look that bad in years. She carefully approached him and almost recoiled at the smell of booze that was practically leaking from his pores. He looked completely dazed when she turned his face to meet hers and Ryan felt her nerves gather in her stomach over what could have potentially caused this.

"Baby?"

"She's pregnant," he muttered with a laugh. "Fucking pregnant." Ryan's heart stopped in her chest for a moment at his statement and her sister's words began playing on repeat in the back of her mind. "She's known for a week. A fucking week!" he screamed and once again begin pacing her living room. Ryan glanced around the room and realized then that the sound that had awoken her was her liquor cabinet being opened, based on the bottle of scotch that now sat on top of it.

"Pregnant?"

"Yes! And she was drinking."

Ryan swallowed down the nausea that immediately sprang up at the words and rested her head in her hands, reminding herself that she had no right to be upset. She slowly sat down on the couch and watched as Kevin tried his best to walk a straight line as he paced. He had obviously been drinking for hours but what Ryan the most concerned was his borderline manic behavior, "Kevin?"

"What?!"

The red-head jumped at the shout, but pushed it to the side as she had seen him far worse in the past and continued, "You haven't been doing anything other then drinking have you?"

Kevin froze, tumbler half-way to his lips, before turning his head to look at her incredulously, "What am I fucking stupid?"

"No, but you're very upset and you're behaving erratically."

"I'm not coked up if that's what you're concerned about," he muttered and drained his glass before going to pour another one.

"Ok, what about anything else? Speed? Adderall? Vyvanse?" she asked him naming three of his other usual drugs if cocaine wasn't readily available; not that it had never been readily available for someone with Kevin's connections, but the man did occasionally enjoy a good amphetamine fix. Ryan still thanked God on occasion that Kevin had never fully descended to a point where he had picked up meth usage.

Kevin took a deep breath at her words and set his glass down on the table, "I didn't take anything Ryan. I'm just very drunk and very unhappy."

Ryan nodded at the words and decided to trust him, she knew how much getting clean had meant to him. She waited silently as he crossed the room and sat down next to her, his head resting in his hands as she reached up to play with the curls at the back of his neck. It was the shuddering sob that followed that really scared her. To see her boyfriend who was normally so composed and sure of himself this shaken and upset left a block of fear in her stomach. She carefully gathered him into her arms and waited as he relaxed into her embrace before she lay back on the couch, taking him with her.

They lay together silently for a few minutes, Kevin crying seemingly non-stop tears as she ran her hands through his hair and made what she hoped were soothing noises. Just as she herself was about to drift back off to sleep Kevin's voice startled her back to consciousness, "I'm so sorry Ryan."

"Don't apologize Kevin. She's your wife."

"That doesn't make it right," he whispered. "It's all so fucked up. I'm married to her legally; but I consider myself committed to you. I'd change it all in a second if I could. You have to believe me."

Ryan heard her sister's words again and pushed them away since as far as the twenty-four year old was concerned Kevin had just proved Carrie wrong, "I know you would Kev. I love you. It's ok. We'll deal with this."

"Yea," he whispered. "We will."

"Are you at least excited for the baby?" she questioned and smiled when she felt him nod against her chest. "Good. Babies are always happy things," she added. "I'm so happy for you Kevin."

"I love you so much Ryan," he mumbled and she heard his breathing begin to even out as he passed out on the couch next to her.

"See Carrie," Ryan mumbled as though her sister could hear her. "You're wrong; Dad never told Mom he loved her."
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"Ryan?"

"Coming Mom!" the fourteen year old replied as she charged down the front stairs into their large living room. "Is he here yet?"

"Actually sweetie, that was your Dad on the phone," Allison Matteson replied to her youngest daughter.

"Oh, good. Did his plane land ok? I knew it was a bad idea for him to fly in the day of the concert. We're cutting it really close as it is."

"He's not coming Ryan," her mother finally said, quite bluntly.

"What?"

"He never left Dallas. Apparently his daughter had something come up and that was more important."

"But, I'm his daughter," Ryan whispered as her hands nervously went to play with the ends of her long red hair.

"Sweetie, you need to stop this. I figured by now you'd be over it like your sister and I are."

The last four years hadn't been kind to Allison Matteson and her youngest daughter eyed her mother skeptically at the statement, "Over it? This is Dad we're talking about."

"Fine," Allison sighed. "Just get your things. At least he actually sent the tickets. I'll take you myself."

"But," Ryan whispered looking upset. "You hate them."

"And you think your father likes the fucking Jonas Brothers? Get your shit and get in the car. You begged him for these tickets for months. Let's go."

Ryan nodded quickly and ran back upstairs to grab her purse before her mother changed her mind, as she was apt to do on occasion. The last two and a half years since Carrie had moved down to Los Angeles for college had been the most difficult. Ryan had never fully gotten along with her mother; the two were always so different, and the younger female had always, in the back of her mind, blamed her mother for Jake Ryan leaving. As a result the last few years had been a constant battle between the pre-teen and her mother over any minor detail they could possibly pick to argue over.
Ryan paused in her room as she picked up her purse and stared at the poster that hung right next to her bed. She smiled at it and felt a slight flutter in her chest from just the sight of a picture of the boy with the deep brown eyes and beautifully curly hair. His brothers flanked him in the picture but for Ryan the only one that really mattered was the one in the middle. She let out an excited giggle, as only a fourteen year old could do, and whispered dramatically, "Oh Nick. This is gonna be so perfect."

Ryan's father had surprised the young girl who two front row floor seats and meet and greets for the Jonas Brother's San Fransisco stop on their 2009 World Tour which he had obtained through his old contacts with the Fire Department; needless to say the young teen was convinced this meant Nick would see her and fall in love with her at first sight. She finally double checked that she had everything, straightened the simple blue tank top she had chosen to wear with her jeans and ran downstairs to meet her mother, "I'm ready."

"Finally," Allison muttered, gesturing for the teen to walk ahead of her so that the older woman could lock the house up. "Let's go."
Two hours later found Ryan nervously standing alone in line, as it turned out her father only had gotten one meet and greet pass, waiting for the Jonas Brothers to come into the room so they could sign her CD. She clutched the object to her chest and jiggled her knees, hoping that her make-up and hair were still perfect, and finally the door opened. The entire room filled with shrieks; though Ryan was quite proud of herself when she kept quiet. Her eyes scanned them as they walked in, Joe so strange between awkward and poised, with his picture perfect features and bright white smile as he waved at the line of them before settling in front of a curtain. Next she saw Nick and her heart rate sped to immeasurable levels, she felt her palms grow sweaty and was fairly positive that her mouth was going to split in two from the grin she could feel on her face. Nick's hair hung in his eyes slightly and the total lack of a real smile made him seem that much more mysterious, brooding and sexy to the young girl. She finally let her eyes rest on Kevin and was surprised when she found herself swallowing nervously at the sight of him. He had an easy going, utterly charming, smile on his face. He was laughing at something someone behind him said even while he never turned his attention away from the group of fans in front of him. The one thing that shocked Ryan the most about him however was, "He's gorgeous."

"Oh I know," a girl behind her whispered and Ryan blushed as she realized she had spoken out loud. "So much better looking then in pictures."

"Eh," Ryan tried to correct. "Doesn't matter. He's too old for me. Besides, Nick and I are meant to be."

The girl behind Ryan was quite a few years older and she merely smiled indulgently at the younger teen, who scowled at the patronizing look and immediately turned her attention back to the three brothers as the line began moving forward. Ryan finally reached the group and was immediately shocked when Kevin wrapped his arms around her in a big hug that she happily returned.

"Hi, I'm Kevin," he told her in greeting.

Ryan laughed and nodded, "I know. I'm Ryan."

"Pleasure," he blushed. "Sorry, it's been a really long day so far. Are you having fun?"

"Oh I totally am. I've been wanting to see you guys forever."

"Thank you," he told her in such a sincere tone that Ryan felt herself relax and begin to smile more naturally.

"Oh Kevin! Congrats by the way," she added as a security guard motioned impatiently for her to get in line for a picture.

"Thank you?" he replied sounding confused and grateful at once.

Ryan's interaction with Joe was non-existent as they tried to move the line as fast as possible and she wanted to be next to Nick in the picture. She slid in next to Nick and blushed as she felt his arm slip around her waist in a loose hold, "Hi Nick."

"Hi," he replied without looking away from the camera.

"I really love your music. I think your amazing and so talented and just really really good," she began speaking, while screaming internally at herself to shut up with the word vomit.

The photographer held up a hand and told them to smile so Ryan relaxed as she was forced to shut up. Once the picture was snapped she was shuffled out towards the door but paused as she caught Kevin's eye once more and blushed when he waved good-bye at her with a smile.

The rest of the night she found her attention drawn more to the eldest of the three brothers on stage, rather then the youngest. And the few times he saw her and waved or winked sent a small flutter through her stomach and she couldn't help but think what an amazingly lucky girl Danielle Delesa was.