Can You Keep A Secret

The constant movement of the windshield wipers was beginning to hypnotize him; that combined with the reflection of his headlights off the car parked in front of him had Kevin Jonas frozen in the front seat of his SUV. At least that's what he had convinced himself of. The reality was he was terrified of turning the car off and going inside the New Jersey hospital.

His cell phone ringing broke him out of the catatonic state he had been in since he pulled up and parked nearly twenty minutes earlier. Distractedly reaching for it he answered without thinking, "Hello?"

"Go inside," Ryan's voice echoed from the other end.

"Who is this?"

Silence greeted his question, quickly followed by a soft sigh, "Babe, it's me. It's Ryan. You need to go inside Kevin."

"I know," he whispered, his voice hoarse, and he realized he was again crying. "I can't face them."

"Yes you can love," she replied. "Just go inside."

"I can't," Kevin repeated again. "What am I going to tell them?" he added brokenly before Ryan could reply to his first comment. The entire morning since he had received the phone call he had been avoiding one thought and it had finally hit him hard now that he had a chance to pause; what was he going to tell his children?

He heard Ryan's short intake of breath on the other end of the line and had to bite his lip to keep from crying again. He could picture her sitting in her apartment, clutching a throw pillow to her chest, wrapped in one of her afghan's and pressing the phone to her ear.

"I don't know," she finally responded. "I can't tell you that Kevin. You'll know what's right when the time comes. Just remember that she was their mother and they adored her, but you're still their father. They still have you. Now go inside and get this over with so you can be with them."

"Alright," he finally answered, pushing the terrifying thoughts of his children aside for the moment, and without another word hung the phone up and dropped it next to him. He slowly reached forward and flipped the wipers off, followed by the headlights and, after another moment's pause, the vehicle's engine. "Go inside."

The words felt hollow to him and seemed to echo off the walls of the vehicle as he blatantly ignored the very order he had given himself. He could no longer see out the front window and all that it appeared to be anymore was a solid sheet of water back lit by the parking lot street lamps. He dropped forward onto the steering wheel, resting his forehead on it as his hands clutched it tightly, fighting every urge he had to turn the car on and just drive. Ryan's voice echoed through his head once more and with a resigned sigh he pushed himself back and dropped his hands to his lap examining them nervously like he was looking for the answers to all the questions that were running through his mind.

Kevin finally shook the daze he had fallen into off and opened his door, stepping out into the torrential downpour that was keeping the early morning sunrise from being visible. His unfocused mind couldn't help but think that it should be snow; because Danielle loved snow.

By the time Kevin had crossed the parking lot and reached the automatic doors of the Emergency Room he was drenched and shivering; having stuffed his jacket into his suitcase in the haste to check out of the hotel before Ryan drove back to Manhattan while he sat beside her staring out the side window of the car. He approached the main desk and waited for the nurse to look up at him, prolonging the inevitable as long as he possibly could by not speaking.

"Yes?"

"Yea," Kevin replied in a scratchy voice. "I was told to come here," he continued, pulling words out of the air. His mother had called him back while he was driving to New Jersey, after leaving Ryan at her apartment; she had told him to go to the Emergency Room of this specific hospital. "My wife was in an accident."

The woman's eyes softened and Kevin realized that the small suburban hospital probably hadn't seen many accidents the night before. She stood up and looked down for a second before glancing back up and asking, "Mr. Jonas?" Kevin wordlessly nodded and waited for her to continue. "Follow me." Kevin trailed along behind the nurse until she reached a small room. She gently pushed the door open and gestured at a couch, "You can wait here."

"For what?"

"An orderly is going to take you down to the morgue sir," she told him carefully and then her eyes widened. "I was told you were informed?"

"Yea," Kevin responded, his voice again thick with grief. "I was. Thank you."

Kevin wasn't sure how much time passed that he sat on the couch but finally an orderly popped his head in and looked over at Kevin with a sympathetic smile that Kevin immediately resented as he couldn't imagine this young man cared one way or the other for what had happened. The orderly stared at Kevin for a second before speaking, "Mr. Jonas?"

"Yes," Kevin snapped, beginning to get annoyed; he had been told that Danielle's parents had already identified her body, so he didn't even understand why he was here at all.

"Follow me sir," the younger man replied quietly. "I'll take you down to see your wife."

"Finally," Kevin muttered, ignoring the fact that a half hour earlier he hadn't wanted to leave the relative safety net of his car.

The duo walked in silence down the hallway until they reached an elevator that was in a back corner of the first floor; Kevin's stomach dropped as he realized it was a freight elevator obviously used for transport rather then patient travel. He swallowed deeply and stepped into the steel contraption, jumping slightly when the doors were slammed shut, via a lever that brought them from the floor and ceiling.

"Doctor Mason will be able to tell you more about what happened to your wife sir," the orderly finally spoke as he released the doors and stepped out, gesturing for Kevin to follow him down a surprisingly bright hallway that was lined with empty metal stretchers.

"Was that the doctor from the emergency room?" Kevin questioned in a slight daze.

"Umm, no sir," the orderly answered carefully. "Doctor Mason is the coroner."

"Oh," Kevin whispered, feeling his feet come to an abrupt stop outside a set of swinging doors that had a small placard marking them as "Morgue".

The young orderly pushed the door open and walked in, Kevin trailing behind him half wondering when he had wandered onto an episode of CSI. The far wall was covered with metal cabinets and the room itself was lined with metal tables, thankfully free of any bodies at the moment. Kevin continued through the room, behind the young man who's name he still did not know and entered a small office where he found an elderly gentleman sitting at a desk making notes in a file.

"Doctor?"

"Hmmm? Oh, hello?"

"Doctor Mason this is Mr. Jonas, he's come to identify his wife. We sent her down from the ER a few hours ago."

Kevin grew uneasy at the confused look that crossed the doctor's face and briefly allowed himself a small flare of hope that this was all a mistake and Danielle was fine. This man, this doctor, had never heard of her before.

"That's strange, I met with her parents hours ago. Mrs. Jonas has already been picked up by the families choice of mortuary."

The doctor's soft spoken words, as he rifled through his recent files, sent Kevin's heart plummeting once again.

"Then why am I here?" he asked in a broken sounding voice.

"Mr. Jonas, please take a seat," the doctor replied gently and Kevin lowered himself into the chair that was across from the desk. "Jeremy, can you step outside please?"

"Yes sir," the orderly, Kevin now knew him to be Jeremy, replied and stepped out of the office pulling the door shut behind him.

"Mr. Jonas, I'm not sure where the communication came undone. Your wife's parents mentioned to me when they were here that you were on a business trip and they were afraid to break the news over the phone knowing you'd be on your way home tomorrow."

"They," Kevin began and had to clear his throat before he continued. "They called my parents. My parents called me. My mom, she told me to come down here."

Doctor Mason sighed and nodded slowly, "Maybe this is better. I can explain things to you better then a mortician can."

"What happened to my wife?" Kevin finally asked, clenching his shaking hands around the arms of the chair.

"Your wife," the doctor began, and Kevin winced when the older man lifted open a file and glanced inside quickly. "Danielle, was sideswiped by a mustang on the turnpike. The driver was heavily intoxicated and that combined with the rain caused her to lose control of her vehicle. She slammed into the divider where it met an overpass. She was pronounced dead on the scene by paramedics. There was nothing they could have done."

Kevin nodded and let the empty words process in his mind. He suddenly heard himself repeating them to James and Nicole and had to clamp down on his growing nausea. His hazel eyes searched the room for anything that might help make the news make sense, "Did she suffer?"

"Mr. Jonas, I'll be honest with you, based on what I could ascertain due to the state of your wife's body? It was over in seconds."

Kevin nodded again and swallowed, wiping his mouth with his hand before asking one last question, "The other driver?"

"Coma."

"Their chances?"

"I wouldn't worry about a trial Mr. Jonas," the doctor said honestly and Kevin nodded once more.

"Good; I hope they rot in hell. Excuse me."

"Of course," the older man stood and went to open the door for Kevin; the younger walking through it to meet Jeremy in the main room of the morgue. "Jeremy, please escort Mr. Jonas back upstairs."

"Oh," Kevin suddenly spoke. "Her belongings? Jewelry...her, uhh, wedding ring?"

"Her parents signed for them."

Kevin nodded and muttered more to himself then anyone else, "Right. Of course they did."

The trip back to the main floor of the hospital was a blur to Kevin; he vaguely remembered accepting more words of condolence from Jeremy as he walked out of the Emergency Room doors that never fully registered before leaving the hospital. And as he walked out he couldn't help but stare in surprise at the semi-bright sky. The rain was still pouring and didn't appear to be letting up anytime soon - but somehow the morning sun was still cutting through and illuminating the parking lot that had been near pitch dark not long earlier.

Kevin slowly walked in the direction he remembered leaving his SUV and when he finally wandered across it he was soaked straight through and shivering. He slowly leaned back against the drivers side door of the vehicle and let the cold, hard, wet metal support as much of his weight as he dared. Suddenly every argument, every remark, every mistake weight heavier and heavier on the man's shoulders. He couldn't forget the look of pain that had flashed through her eyes when he asked for the divorce. He couldn't forget the muffled sobs that had quickly followed once she ran into the bathroom. He couldn't forget the echo of the apartment door as she forcibly shoved him out of it and slammed it in his face.

"I'm so sorry Dani," he whispered before opening the door, climbing inside and once again breaking down in guilt ridden, grief stricken tears.
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"I'm going out Mom," Kevin yelled from the living room of the suite his family was sharing at the Bahamian resort they were staying at for a short vacation in May of 2007.

"We're going to dinner in two hours Kevin, make sure you're back to change," was the response he received.

"Sure," he muttered and walked out of the suite, closing the door tight behind him. "Another wonderful family dinner as we prepare for the supposed whirlwind to hit."

Kevin chuckled darkly as he wandered down the hall towards the elevators and thought of the term in question. The word whirlwind had been tossed around since they signed with Hollywood Records in February and so far, as far as Kevin could tell, that whirlwind was more like a light breeze. The eldest brother hadn't been thrilled with the idea of attaching themselves so exclusively to Disney, but had been seemingly outvoted by his father and two younger brothers. Those three were so gung-ho to make "The Jonas Brothers" work that they hadn't seen the forest for the trees; Kevin had just wanted to play his guitar and make some worthwhile music.

"If there was even a vote to be had," he mumbled and then shook the thought off as he stepped onto the already occupied elevator. Truth was, he had never felt as ridiculous as when he was jumping around in a music video for a song for The Jungle Book; but he had also seen the writing on the wall. Disney cared; no one else did. Or at least, as far as his father and the rest of their management was concerned, no one else had cared fast enough.

The doors finally opened on the lobby floor and Kevin stepped back to allow the girl who had been riding with him off the elevator before he went. He caught the vague scent of honey suckle as she walked past and immediately closed his eyes and was transported back to New Jersey summers when all the kids would run around in a field behind their neighborhood and eat the wild flowers. Blinking his eyes open he quickly stepped out of the elevator before it could close again and caught sight of the pretty brunette who had been riding with him. She was crossing the lobby of the hotel towards the doors, a beach bag thrown over one shoulder, as she distractedly thumbed through a large book.

"Wow," Kevin whispered when she turned slightly and he finally caught sight of her face and began to follow her; ignoring the logical side of his mind that reminded him stalking was not usually a good way to get a date.

Twenty minutes later Kevin was sitting on one of the beach chairs that lined their resorts oceanfront view, in jeans and a t-shirt no less, carefully watching the brunette five chairs away. He hadn't been able to muster up the courage to go introduce himself yet and all she had done was take off the sun-dress she was wearing before she sat down and began to read her book.

"Come on Jonas, this isn't that difficult; just get up and go and say hello. Joe could do it. Fuck, Nick could do it. She's not that pretty," he mumbled and then glanced over at her again. "No, not that pretty. Just gorgeous and apparently smart, cause, well, book."

Another ten minutes passed and Kevin forced himself to stand from the chair; only to fall right back down, tripping over the chaise lounge and landing face first in the sand, as he nearly collided with the brunette who was now standing over him looking annoyed.

"Do you realize I read the same page for nearly a half hour waiting for you to come over and say hi. I decided I was bored with waiting. I'm Danielle Delesa."

"Kevin Jonas," Kevin replied, while trying to spit the sand out of his mouth without spitting on her. "Sorry about, well, this."

"Yea, it wasn't too creepy," she answered and held a hand out to help him untangle himself. "You're not really dressed for the beach you know."

"I wasn't planning on coming down here; then I smelled you. Wow, ok, don't even answer that one. In fact, can you pretend I didn't say it?"

The laughter that answered his question entrapped Kevin's heart completely and he couldn't help the smile that crossed his face at her next words, "No. I really don't think I can pretend that. Though, you can buy me a drink to make up for it."

"What's your poison?"

"I'd love a beer. You?"

"I'm not twenty-one."

"Neither am I. Drinking age down here is eighteen."

"Oh, right, I knew that," Kevin mumbled. "I actually don't drink."

"So you can have a soda," she replied smiling. "Let's go back inside. I'm gonna turn into a tomato if I stay out here much longer."

"But a delicious tomato," Kevin commented and then smacked his forehead.

"You're cute," Danielle replied with a laugh and threaded her arm through his. "Somehow you don't come across as a complete letch."

"That's probably a good thing," Kevin told her seriously. "After all, Disney frowns on lechery."

"Disney?"

"Yup," Kevin nodded and then frowned. "You don't know who I am?"

"Am I supposed to?"

"No," Kevin breathed out. "You aren't at all. I'll explain inside. And when I do feel free to smack me on the head for being an arrogant asshole; the last few months I've had people acting like my face is known the world over. I've gotten used to it I guess."

"Well, I've never seen you before. Where are you from anyway?"

"New Jersey," Kevin responded. "You?"

"You can't tell by talking to me?"

"No I figured you were a Jersey girl too, I just didn't wanna be presumptuous. You might have been from Staten Island."

That comment Danielle did smack him for and Kevin just smirked brighter as he led her back inside the hotel. A week later as he was lightly kissing her good-bye before her family left to fly home, both of them promising to see each other and talk as soon as possible, he had one thought on his mind.

"I'm going to marry you," he whispered.

"Hey now, who says I wanna marry you?"

"I didn't say yet," Kevin laughed. "Far far in the future."

"Yea, well, I suppose that might be arrangeable. Far far in the future. However, we're gonna have to come up with a way better, and less creepy, meeting story for when you're rich and famous babe."

"You mean you don't want the world to know the man you're in love with was a clumsy, awkward, semi-stalker when you met him?"

"Hey, I thought it was charming. But remember? Mouse. Lechery?"

"True," Kevin nodded seriously and tucked a flower behind her ear. "We'll come up with something."
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Kevin carefully turned the diamond ring in his hand so that the light caught it; he hadn't been able to take his eyes off the ring for the last ten minutes as he nursed the one glass of scotch he was allowing himself. He could hear the sounds of the television playing in the living room through the open door of his study and glanced at the clock to make sure it wasn't yet time to put the kids to bed.

He sighed and set Danielle's engagement ring down on his desk, next to her wedding band and the pearl set she had been wearing the night before. Not for the first time he was grateful that he had never been close to his in-laws as they had turned over the jewelry to him, without questioning why he hadn't been with their daughter the night of the accident. He rubbed his eyes and groaned when he remembered their still shocked demeanor as they informed him, in such caring tones, that they would take care of the funeral arrangements so that he could focus on his children.

"I guess she never told them," he whispered into the empty room.

After he had left the Delesa's he hadn't even bothered with going to his parent's home; he couldn't handle the argument that he knew would erupt with his presence. His parents could barely stand the sight of him on most occasions anymore it seemed like and he was fairly certain that now that their beloved daughter-in-law was gone, they would be perfectly happy with never seeing him again.

He was the screw up son that had everything on a platter and tossed it away without a thought; those were the very words his father had used on him during one of his binges.

His arrival at Joe's had been the coldest his brother had ever been to him; he hadn't even come into the room to pretend to say hello. Instead, Jennifer had asked if Kevin was sure he wanted to take the kids that night and when her brother-in-law had insisted she had wordlessly bundled them up and helped him out to the car with a fairly confused seven year old and an oblivious two year old.

"How am I gonna tell them?" he again asked the empty room, a slight waiver noticeable in his voice.

James had gotten into the car silently; the eyes he kept trained on his father told Kevin that the very bright young boy was sensing something in the adults around him. It was Nicole that had almost had her father breaking down on the short drive downtown to their duplex when she brightly asked, "Where's Mommy?"

Kevin hadn't been able to bring himself to say anything and had instead turned the radio up a bit and concentrated on the road.

"Daddy?"

Kevin glanced up, having been lost in his thoughts, and looked in confusion at the exhausted looking toddler standing in his doorway. His eyes drifted over to the empty scotch glass and then the clock that showed it was almost ten at night.

"Oh geez, Nicki sweetie. I'm sorry. What's wrong baby?"

"I'ma sweepy," she mumbled and rubbed her eyes with one hand, while clutching Charlie in the other. "You tuck me in now?"

"Of course Princess," he immediately responded and stood up quickly, crossing the room in a few strides to scoop her up and squeeze her little body tight in his arms. "I love you so much baby. You know that right?"

"Course Daddy," she mumbled into his shoulder as she snuggled down. "Love you too," she added through a big yawn.

"Where's your brother?"

"His room," she answered and Kevin noticed the heavily drooping eyelids now that she didn't have to worry about supporting her own weight. "I think he's sweepy too."

"Yea, probably," Kevin mumbled and rubbed her back lightly as he walked down the hallway towards his children's bedrooms. He stopped outside of James' room and peeked in to see his son sitting on his bed, reading, with a worried expression. "Hey kiddo. I'll be in in just a second. Nicki's about to pass out."

"Ok Dad," his son's soft voice answered him without looking up and Kevin let out a deep breath as he continued along.

Nicki was gently snoring in his arms by the time he set her down on her bed and tucked her in, glad that he had remembered to get them ready for bed after dinner like normal. He smoothed back her dark curls and bit his lip hard when he felt the now familiar burning sensation in his eyes. Pressing his lips softly to her forehead, he let them linger there for longer then normal until he had to force himself to move.

"I love you Princess," he whispered. "Sleep well," he added, cynically thinking it might be the last decent night's sleep his little girl would have for a while.

He flipped off the lights, making sure that her night-light was on and pulled the door closed halfway. He slowly walked down the hallway, his eyes skimming the photographs that hung along it. Pictures of the family at various stages of their growth - going all the way back to when he and Danielle were still nearly children themselves.

When he finally reached James' room again he poked his head in once more and watched his son for a few seconds as he flipped through a book. James was studying the pages intently, book pulled incredibly close to his face and a noticeable wrinkle present above his eyes. Kevin made a quick mental note to take his son to the eye doctor soon.

"James?" he finally spoke; upset over having to break the peace of the moment, but knowing it needed to be done and while Nicole was asleep was the best time to tell his oldest.

"Yea Dad? Can I finish this chapter first?"

"Actually buddy. Why don't you come crash with me tonight? I need to talk to you about something."

"With you?" his son replied looking confused. "But, I never sleep with you guys anymore. That's baby stuff."

"Nah," Kevin responded. "Sometimes it's not. Come on. Keep me company."

"Alllllright," James grumbled and climbed out of his bed. Kevin almost laughed when his son automatically grabbed his stuffed puppy named Ralph. Ralph had been a gift from Joe upon his son's birth and at some point Kevin's younger brother had christened the dog with the name. Once James' turned five Ralph had found himself confined to the boy's bed - but when it came time to sleep that dog was never more then inches from his son's hand.

Kevin walked down the hall with his son next to him until they entered the master bedroom. He watched as James quickly climbed up onto the bed, on Danielle's side, and climbed under the covers. Kevin quietly got himself changed, trading his jeans for pajama pants and button down for a t-shirt before joining the child.

Father and son sat next to each other on the bed for a few minutes as Kevin carefully began to gather his thoughts, weighing his options on how to break the news to his oldest child.

"Are you and Mommy getting a divorce?" James finally asked before Kevin could begin speaking.

His hazel eyes turned to meet his son's identical ones and he stared in shock; that had been the last thing that he ever expected to hear from his son and he hadn't even considered that the boy would think that.

"Wh, what?"

"Well, Mommy's not here," James clarified. "You guys went to Aunt Melanie's and Mommy stayed."

Kevin closed his eyes tightly and breathed in deeply for a moment as his racing mind tried to put together the situation in a way that his son would understand, without traumatizing him beyond the inevitable.

"Your Mom and I aren't getting a divorce James," he began quietly and turned to face his son straight on. The child was far to smart for Kevin to sugar-coat things too much; but that didn't mean he couldn't protect him as much as possible from the truth. "I was away this weekend on a business trip and your Mom did go to Aunt Melanie's." James nodded that he understood, but Kevin could tell by the frown on the seven year old's face that he was trying to race one step ahead of his father. "Your Mom decided to come home on Saturday night instead of today."

"Then where is she?" James' interrupted with a slight hitch of panic in his voice.

"James' buddy, let me finish," Kevin whispered and reached out to stroke his son's hair back; heart breaking when James' immediately climbed across the bed and into Kevin's lap. He knew then that the child was putting things together much quicker then he should and he had to just say it. "Mommy had an accident James."

"So she's in the hospital?" James asked hopefully; a glance down at his son showed tear tracks already running down his face and Kevin tightened his grip on the boy.

"No kiddo," he whispered. "A very bad man was driving his car and he hit Mommy's car. I'm so sorry Jamie," Kevin continued. "She died."

The silent reaction of his young son scared Kevin more then if the child had broken down into hysterics at the words. He felt little hands clutching his t-shirt and wrapped his arms more tightly around James in response and just waited for his son to tell him in some way what to do.

"Did it hurt?" James' quiet voice broke the silence a few minutes later.

"The doctor said it didn't," Kevin told him honestly. "She didn't feel anything."

"Grandma said when someone dies that they're in heaven. Is that true?"

"Yes," Kevin replied firmly, despite what his own personal beliefs might be at that point in his life. "Your Mom is most definitely in heaven. She's the most beautiful angel that ever existed and she's watching over you and Nicole every second of every single day. And she always will; just like when she was here."

"Nicki's gonna be so scared Daddy," James added in a quiet voice that was shaking with the beginnings of his tears.

"Well, you'll just keep being the best big brother in the world then and protect her like always. But Jamie? You're allowed to be scared too. I want you to know that. I love you so much. Your Mom loved you with everything she had in her, both of you. And even if she's gone, she still loves you and she will always be near you in spirit. Don't ever doubt that."

"I want my Mommy back," James finally cried with a hiccup.

Kevin breathed a sigh of relief after those words; because, seconds later he was rocking his sobbing son in his arms and whispering soothing noises until the young boy finally cried himself to sleep, clutching his mother's pillow and Ralph to his chest.

When Kevin woke the next morning he sat up in a panic until he remembered the prior day and dropped back onto his pillow as a heavy exhaustion hit him. A glance at the clock showed it to be half past six in the morning. James was still out cold next to him, curled up in a ball and looking like it would take an army to wake him. Kevin had already decided the kids wouldn't be going to school for at least a few days; not until he felt they had both somewhat readjusted to the news so he had no reason to wake his son anytime soon either.

Slowly Kevin climbed out of the large bed and grabbed a sweatshirt, pulling it over his body to ward off the morning chill. He could hear noises in the living room and after glancing into his daughter's room and finding the bed empty he knew who was causing them. He followed the sounds and found her sitting in front of the television, volumed turned down fairly low, watching one of her Elmo DVDs and singing along quietly.

He allowed himself a few minutes of just watching her; his beautiful little princess who had spent every moment of her life since he had first seen her making his life a teeny bit brighter. His little girl who only wanted to sing and dance and play dress up with her Mommy, unless she was intent on playing cowboys with James. His little girl whose heart he was fairly certain he was about to shatter.

"Nicki?"

"Daddy!" she squealed. "Whatcha doin up so early?"

"That's what I was about to ask you princess," Kevin replied with a empty laugh. "Come sit with me," he added and took a seat on the couch, flipping the television off with the remote as he did.

"Ok," she replied brightly and climbed up next to him, automatically taking a seat in his lap and dropping her head onto his chest. "I love you my Daddy."

"I love you too my princess," he answered, lightly twirling one of her curls around his finger.

"What's up?" Nicole asked then, tilting her head up so she was staring at his chin.

"Nicki sweetie, do you remember when Mickey had to go away?" Kevin asked quietly, thinking of the family dog that they had had to put to sleep six months earlier.

"Uh-huh," Nicole replied in confusion. "You and Mommy said dat he gotted sick and he had to go to sweep but dat when he waked up he was gonna play wit odder puppies on the stawbewwy farm."

"Yes," Kevin responded proudly. "That's exactly what we said."

"What bout him? We getting 'nudder puppy?!"

"Maybe," Kevin mumbled, thinking that might not be a horrible idea in the eventual future once the initial craziness of the situation had died down. "Not yet though. Nicki sweetie, I need to talk to you about something very important."

"Ok," she replied and Kevin glanced down to see her playing itsy-bitsy-spider on her hands. He gently took her hands in his and moved her so that she was sitting in his lap facing him directly so he could attempt at reading the toddler's expressions as he spoke. "Oops? I listening."

Kevin merely sighed and leaned forward to kiss her forehead before speaking again, "What did Grandma tell you about Angels Nicki?"

"She said dat dey are beautiful and dat we all has a gudian one."

"Guardian," Kevin corrected gently. "Do you know what a guardian angel does?"

"Grandma said dey watch over us all the time."

"Yes," Kevin whispered. "Sweetie, I need to talk to you about Mommy. This weekend something happened, Mommy had a very bad accident."

"Does she gots a boo-boo?"

"No sweetie, she doesn't have a boo-boo," Kevin replied. "Mommy's accident was very bad and it made her have to go to sleep."

"Oh," Nicole whispered suddenly looking terrified and Kevin momentarily forgot who smart both his children were. "When's she gonna wake up?"

"She's not sweetie," Kevin tried to keep his face strong, but his daughter's trembling lips at his words made him lose it and he felt his tears begin to fall once more. "Mommy's with the angels now baby. She's gonna be your guardian angel. That way she's with you all the time still."

"No," Nicole screeched nearly causing Kevin to jump back. "Nonononononononono!"

"Shhhh," Kevin whispered and gathered his now hysterical daughter to him. His hysterical daughter who was currently trying to beat him up. "I'm so sorry princess."

"No. Want MOMMY!" Nicole's shrill, terrified screams filled the apartment for nearly ten minutes until she, like her brother had the night before, cried herself into an exhausted sleep clinging to him desperately.

"Is Nicki sleeping now?" James' quiet voice broke the silence that fell over Kevin once his daughter had tired herself out.

"Yea," Kevin replied quietly and held his free arm out for his son, who immediately shot across the room and climbed onto the couch next to him. Kevin's free hand found itself tangled in his son's hair as the little boy curled up next to his father. "She's sleeping."

A few minutes later both his children were sleeping on or next to him and Kevin couldn't remove his eyes from their sleeping forms. He felt the beginnings of the abject terror he had been holding off in that moment and prayed, for what felt like the first time in years, for some kind of guidance.

"Please God," he whispered. "Don't let me fuck this up anymore then I already have."