I Want to Hold You, for Now and Forever

Harry Crews:

"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with."

It’s been over a month since we got back from England and Brian’s prediction was correct, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and we went at it everywhere… literally. We met Jimmy and Jen for dinner one night and decided a quickie in the toilets was a good idea and whilst it was at the time before some guy walked in on us, well that was embarrassment 101 right there, after that we agreed that it was okay to be experimental but only in the right places. Once we got back to California, me and Brian had decided that if the marriage was to work then we had to be closer to each other so I moved in with him because lets face it, a couple hour drive from L.A to Huntington Beach and back every other day wasn’t going to be fun. When I told the girls of our plans they didn’t want me to move away on my own, even if I wasn’t on my own at all so they moved too. It seems Beci and Matt’s little scare just brought them closer and he asked her to move in, she was hesitant that it would be a little too soon but he told her that if she wasn’t comfortable with it after a few weeks she could move out whereas Jimmy just told Jen outright that she wasn’t allowed to live anywhere that didn’t have it’s own personal Jimmy Sullivan and the only place she was going to find one of them was in his house, Jen agreed that life just wouldn’t be the same without waking up in the middle of the night to have a Jimmy wrapped around her slim frame with him drooling in her hair, we all thought they shared way too much of their relationship with us. So after it was all decided, we transferred somewhere you’d never have guessed, Long Beach University. I know, it was a shocker to us too but it was the only way everything was going to work out the way we wanted it too. Everything may have moved fast for everyone but it wasn’t like we weren’t comfortable with it. Dani and Charl got a nice little apartment together and somewhere that was close to us all, the guys were more than okay, least they’re all on the same page.

It was a our last ‘year’ of university and when I say that it means a couple of months, the last year is always the shortest and I don’t get why because they always give you more work during that final year than the other two you spent getting shitfaced, stupid educational system, one that I’m hoping to be apart, ironic huh.

I’d just gotten home from university when I noticed another car was parked in the drive and hurried inside to see who it was. As soon as I was inside, I heard voices from the kitchen; I walked faster to see who it was. It was Brian’s parents

“Hey Hun” Suzy smiled

“Hi” I grinned and hugged her

“How was college?”

“Boring, I fell asleep. Hi pops” I hugged Brian’s dad

“Hello Little Miss” he returned the hug. He started calling me that when he found out that the Bicentennial Man was one of my favourite films “Why are you falling asleep during class?”

“I’m just tired” I yawned. Fucks sake I swear I have contracted the yawning disease, it’s all I can do lately

“Don’t I get a hello?” Brian asked and I shook my head “Why?”

“It means I have to move” I pouted before yawning again “Fucks sake” his dad chuckled

“You should sleep more”

“All she does is sleep” Brian informed his dad

“Like you can talk” I stuck my tongue out “I’ve been sick so I’m guessing my body is just telling me that I need to rest up a bit”

“Yeah, Brian was telling us, you should go to the doctors” Suzy told me

I shrugged “what’s the point?”

“They could have given you something” Brian said in a ‘duh’ tone

“Shut it and make fooooood” I whined

“You make it”

“I burn stuff and me no likey burnt food” I said, looking at him and he rolled his eyes

“I’ll make food” Suzy offered

“No its okay, you’re the guests, Brian should make it” I grinned

“I should?”

“Yes because I’ve been at Uni all day and I’m pretty sure your Dad and Suzy have been doing something whilst you’ve been sat on your butt all day”

“So?”

“So you admit you’ve done nothing all day?” I held amusement in my voice

“Hey! I beat Zacky on the Xbox” He was so proud of himself, it was adorable

“Son, just make the food” Brian Sr added

“Ha!” I pointed at Brian and he stuck his tongue out before preparing some food

“Are you two staying?”

“Would you mind?” Suzy asked

“No, of course not” I told her

Brian started making some random concoction he thought was edible and suddenly I didn’t feel too good. The smell of the food made me feel sick to my stomach. I quickly ran to the toilet and released the contents of my stomach; I felt a hand rubbing my back soothingly

“You okay babe?” Brian asked me and I groaned in reply “Want any food?” before I could reply, I threw up again

“I hate being sick” I said with my voice sounding raspy from the throwing up

“I’ll run you a bath and you can soak in it whilst we eat. I’ll put some away for later if you want it” I nodded staying in position whilst Brian went upstairs to run me a bath. I threw up several more times before he re-entered the toilet telling me it was ready. I ran upstairs and threw my clothes off before climbing into the steaming hot water. It instantly relaxed my muscles and soothed my aches and pains. The next thing I know, Brian was standing over me with a smile on his face and I looked at him suspiciously

“What?” My British accent came out in a soft groan

“You’ve been in there over an hour, I was starting to think you drowned up here” he chuckled

“I think I fell asleep”

“No shit. Feeling any better?”

“Yeah a little. Oh shit, your parents”

“Don’t worry they understood, they had to leave anyway. Come and get out, we can watch a film” I nodded and he left to go back downstairs.

10 minutes later, I had joined him, I snuggled up to him as he pressed play on the remote and Dangerous Minds started playing. This is why I loved him because he always knew how to make me smile; this film was another of my favourites. I kissed him and he didn’t hesitate to reply with my request

“You always know how to make me feel better” I smiled

“I know” he beamed with pride “There’s something I’ve got to tell you though”

I laughed “Ulterior Motives”

“A little. We’re heading back into the studio” he searched my face for any hint of anger or sadness

“And?” I didn’t seem to get at what he was saying

“So, I won’t be around as much”

“Oh how will I ever survive” I dramatically sighed, placing the back of my hand on my forehead and he laughed at me “Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m around a lot either babe. When?”

“In a few days”

“Okay” I shrugged before going back to watching the movie

“Wait your not mad that I waited until the last minute to tell you?”

“No and to be honest, I’m way too tired to be argumentative. Least you told me right?”

“Yeah” He grinned and kissed the tip of my nose.

I awoke in our bed with Brian softly snoring to the side of me. It was 3 am and again, I felt the feeling of bile rising up my throat. I swiftly got out of bed and ran to the bathroom in order to repeat the actions that have become a regular part of my routine these days and a thought ran through my head ‘Am I pregnant?’ it was a thought that had been plaguing me for days. I was more than willing to brush the thought off but my head just wouldn’t let me

“Babe” Brian called for me groggily “Are you okay?”

“Yeah” I half whispered, rinsing my mouth out and I walked back into the room

“You sure?” he looked at me, rubbing away the sleep in his eyes

“Yup” I got into bed and deeply exhaled, staring at the ceiling

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” he asked, laying his head on my shoulder and I started to play with his hair

“Nothing, I just feel so tired and sick, I want it to go away” I could feel his heart-stopping brown eyes on my face, I knew he was sceptic of my answer

“Alright” he said with a resigned sigh “Night beautiful” he kissed me before falling asleep on my shoulder. I swear his head weighs a ton.

I couldn’t sleep at all; I was scared at the thought that was scarring my mind. I know I told him in the end that I’d start a family with him but now wasn’t the right time, I needed to finish school and with the fact that they were going back in the studio meant he was going to be back on the road soon.

I heard the alarm go off, breaking me from my tiresome thoughts and restless nights sleep. It was 8 am. I sighed, getting up and showering. I was dressed and ready and as I looked over to Brian whilst he was still sleeping, I thought about waking him up too so he could feel my pain of waking up early. I basically slept through my first two lectures, trying to make up for the sleep I’ve lost in the past two weeks. I felt like I was on auto-pilot as I made my way to the table the girls were sat on

“You look like shit” Charl said, throwing a chip at me

“Thanks, I love you too” I groaned and sat down

“Babe, you look really sick” Jen said, eyeing me up

“Go to the doctors” Beci added, not even looking up from her magazine

“Yeah dirtbag, you ain’t gotten much better”

“I don’t like doctors, they poke and prod” I replied raking my fingers through my hair

“It’ll be worth it to get better” Jen smiled and I nodded

“Maybe”

“I’ll do it now” Beci pulled her phone out of her pocket and called the doctors

“Beci” I quietly hissed at her as she put her hand up to silence me

“Yeah, 2.30 tomorrow? Okay thank you” and she hung up

“I can’t believe you just did that”

“Well I did so deal with it, plus it means I can come with you” she grinned

“Uh huh. So did you hear about the boys going into the studio” I asked them

“Yeah, I found out ages ago” Charl laughed “You’re slow”

“I was failed to be notified” I chuckled

“And you’re not bothered?”

“Nopes, I’m too tired to care”

“I personally can’t wait” Jen said “This album will be their best”

“They haven’t recorded anything yet dirtbag, how do you know?” Dani stared at Jen as if she was out of her mind

“I just know” She shrugged. The bell rang and everyone went to their lessons but me and Beci

“I know why you’re worried about going to see a doctor” Beci eyed me as we walked to Starbucks. It had been a tradition we’d done since we were teenagers, we always met for a Starbucks to about anything and everything

“I’m scared” I whispered, afraid that people would judge me over my admission

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there for you like you were for me” she told me, pulling me into a hug. I don’t know what I would do with out my Beci. We talked for 2 hours before we headed home and I felt like it was ground hog day because I went through the same routine today as I did yesterday and again, I laid here wide awake at 4.30 am thinking about my impending doctor’s appointment

“Still cant sleep” Brian lazily rolled over to look at me

“No” I replied quietly

“Well seeing as we’re both awake” I could hear the grin in his voice

“No, I’m too tired” I silently chuckled

“What? It’s started already” he laughed as he pulled me to him and I snuggled into him.

“I’m just so tired” I started to cry from frustration

“Babe” he sighed sympathetically “Once you see the doctor, they’ll give you something and hey presto you’ll be better” I nodded as the tears fell silently, part of me thinks its not frustration but that my fears could be true.

“Plus you’ll have Beci there to help”

“I just wish it were you coming with me”

“I know” he replied as he was stroked my hair and not before long my eyelids became heavy, sleep soon followed.

I woke at half 12 and felt little bit more refreshed than yesterday. I repeated my now daily routine and left the house at 2, Brian had already left for a meeting the boys had before they headed into the studio tomorrow. I got to the doctors office at 2:20 and met Beci outside

“You okay?” she asked after we hugged

“I feel a little better but I’m way nervous”

“It’ll be fine” she nudged me as we walked inside. At exactly half 2, I was called into the doctor’s room and a woman greeted me, she was in her mid thirties and had a gentleness to her face

“I’m Doctor Jacobs” she smiled and I shook her hand, she gestured for me and Beci to sit down “So what can I do for you today?”

“Well I’ve been really sick lately. I’ve been constantly sick and felt exhausted” I explained and she nodded, smiling

“Well I would like to run a few tests but first, I’d like to ask whether you’re sexually active”

I felt a red glow rise to my cheeks “Yeah”

She gently laughed “Have you been using protection?”

“Yeah but once, I don’t think we did, it kind of slipped mine and my husbands mind” I tried to hide my grin

“Okay, well I think it would be wise to do a pregnancy test first to eliminate that possibility before we do any unnecessary tests. I’d like you to go down the hall, to the restroom and pee in this very small cup” she chuckled as did me and Beci. I did as she said and she asked us to wait in the waiting room so they could do the test. After 10 minutes, she called us back in.

“Okay Mrs Haner” I was about to correct her until I realised that I was in fact Mrs Haner, I still wasn’t used to it “Congratulations are in order, your going to be a mommy” she grinned.

I felt like my chest was closing in and I was struggling to breathe. My fears became reality and I couldn’t cope with it. I told him, I would have children but when I had to walk the walk, I was choking. Everything around me went black.

I felt like I had been knocked out for an eternity but in reality, I’d been out not even five minutes, the nice doctor had gotten me a cold glass of water and given me and Beci a few minutes to ourselves so we could talk

“Chloe, you can do this, don’t be scared”

“I don’t have the time for this right now Bec, it screws everything up”

“No it doesn’t, it just throws a spanner in your plans but it doesn’t stop them altogether” Beci tried to reason with me

“I’ve wanted to be a teacher my whole life and just as I can taste it, just as I’m nearly qualified, this happens” Tears heavily flooded my eyes “They’re going back on the road and I’ll be stuck at home with a newborn baby wishing that I was anywhere in the world but there and I’ll hate Brian for leaving me”

“Don’t be silly, he won’t leave you. You’re so scared of failing at this that it’s clouding your judgement, you both agreed you wanted this and granted it’s not exactly the right time but it’s happened nonetheless”

“I just can’t do it Bec, I can’t be a mum, and I thought I could but I lied, I can’t” Wiping the remainder of my tears, I stood up as the doctor came in and we left.

I feel numb.