I Want to Hold You, for Now and Forever

Eleanor Roosevelt:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience, in which, you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

It has been two weeks since I found out I was expecting and I was curled up inside my own fear, too afraid to tell Brian that he’s going be a father and too afraid to face the reality of it. I guess the biggest fear of which I’m feeling is failure, what if I just can’t do it? This is a really fucked up situation to be in especially when you’re trying to finish school, get a job, and your husband, who you accidently married has been in the studio for all hours recording his bands fourth album. How did I land myself here? Is God trying to tell me something? Is he telling me to face my fears? If he is, he has a really fucked up way of telling me. I’ve been married for nearly 8 months and in those 8 months, not only have I hated this man, disliked him, been frustrated by him, angered by him but I’ve been loved by him most of all and that is the scariest part, just how quickly two very different people can fall in love. I’ve never believed in love at first sight and I’m not about to start believing in that pile of shit just yet either, its taken us a long time to get to the point where we can say it to each other, even still 8 months is rather quick. It’s also rather quick to go and get yourself pregnant. A day after getting home from the doctor’s, I got a phone call from Doctor Jacobs telling me that I need an ultrasound so they can check up on the little bundle of joy, how oh how sarcasm has gotten me through some bad times, I explained the situation to her and that it may take me some time to tell Brian, so we arranged an ultrasound that was due to be done in 8 days time, It’s safe to say I’m shitting myself.

Tonight was another night I was on my own, Brian and the rest of the boys were in the recording studio and I was here dealing with my own self-trust issues because ultimately that’s what it is isn’t it? Fear comes from not trusting something, I don’t trust myself to do a good job therefore I fear doing it. I’m trying to decide when to tell Brian and I suppose the rest of them, Beci is still the only one that knows and she understands my situation but it doesn’t stop her from bugging me to tell everyone. She’s just too damn excited about being Auntie Beci. I decided that may be talking to someone will stop the screaming headache I have coming on, so I grabbed the phone from the holster on the wall and dialled Beci’s number

“Sup G” she shouted down the phone

“How’s it Homeslice?” I returned the gestured

“I’m good, what you doing?”

“Contemplating, You?” I leaned on the surface with my index finger placed on my chin

“Watching T.V, you should try it; it’s more fun than what you’re doing” she laughed “told him?”

“When have I had the time?”

“True, blud, true. Tell him now” she stated

“How, you cock jock, he’s in the studio”

“Go down there and pull him aside, that way he’ll definitely be home earlier tonight”

“Good point, keep going” I liked her train of thought

She laughed “You know once you want something, you never stop until you get it. Remember when you wanted your lip pierced and I wanted my ear pierced, when we were younger? We drove around for 3 hours and everywhere was closed but hey we still got them in the end” bingo she had me. I remember that day, it was one of the most frustrating yet funniest days, that day we realised how shit 118 really was.

“You’re right Old Man Brucey Bastard” I grinned using her old nickname

“I know I am Old Man Alfred Dyke” we both laughed

“I’m gonna go now and do it, I can’t put it off any longer. I’ll call you later”

I ran upstairs to make myself look presentable, I know he sees me at my worse all the time but it made me feel better. I grabbed my keys and hopped into my car and drove 30 minutes to the studio. It wasn’t the biggest but it was a comfortable looking place, I’d been here once and I quite liked it, there were a lot of places in which to mess around. I walked through a door that you’d see placed underneath a fire exit sign. I looked around and saw a few people who obviously were working so I didn’t bother them in asking for directions. I found a door that had a stupid sign on the front, it was obviously a sign Zacky put up to tell everyone to fuck off. I heard laughing through the door which wasn’t unusual for these guys, they were always goofing off but what struck me as suspicious was the female giggles I heard, not one but several and everyone at this point must be thinking, ‘uh oh’ and you’d be right. This is definitely an ‘uh oh’ moment.

Instead of knocking on the door, I flung it open, it crashed against the wall and smacked back against my hand, it would have hurt too if I wasn’t extremely pissed off, I stood there glaring. There were a few girls placed by each of the guys and I especially noticed the one that had her hands all over Brian, the bitch is gonna die. I also noticed the many beer cans and Jack Daniels’ bottles that were spewed all over the place

“What the fuck?” I asked through clenched teeth

“Hey twin!” Zacky beamed, getting up and walking over to me. I noticed he stopped in front of me and backtracked “Why so serious?” he was drunk, it wasn’t the slurring that gave him away but the stench.

I started walking to a place in the room where everyone could see me “So let me tell you a funny story…” I started

“This isn’t gonna be funny at all is it?” Shads asked

“Depends whether you find me castrating all of you, funny, doesn’t it Mathew” I glared at him

“So that’s a no then” Jimmy added

“The funny story is this. You see, One day, two British girls decided to pack up home and leave for another country to attend University and the one they got into was UCLA. After an amazing weekend in Florida for spring break and going to see Wrestlemania, a few of us decide to stop over in Vegas and one of the girls got so drunk, she accidently got married to a ‘Rockstar’ and the next morning she decides its best to flea the scene, stupidly unaware that her life was about to change as she knew it. Whilst she was playing football for her college team, she sees a familiar face and she nearly passes out when she sees it’s the guy she married but after they talked they realised there was no harm in trying things out, to see if it would actually work and they did try, I might add” I paused as I put my hand up to silence Johnny, who was about to interrupt my very interesting story

“I promise it’ll get funnier. You see, this girl gave up everything for this guy, she gave up her jobs, her home, moved universities and promised to overcome her fears in order to give him what he wanted but now she’s stood in a situation where she asks ‘what has he given up for me?’ shall I answer that for you Brian? You’ve given up nothing because I didn’t ask you to but walking into a room where I see a bunch of whores hanging off you like leeches, I can’t help but think, what the fuck am I doing? Why did I bother trying? And last but not least why did you listen to him? I’m not a genius, Brian but I’m not fucking stupid either. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, it’s not fair. I’m at home left to do everything including uni work so I can graduate and you’re here drinking and whispering little lies to bitches like these so you can fuck them”

He cut me off “Nice story but that’s not what’s happening”

“Well you interrupted me at the most important part, darling”

I noticed one of the girls nudging the other “she’s British” she tried to whisper

I rolled my eyes “Well spotted Captain Obvious got another ridiculously stupid comment to make?”

“I prefer it when you’re bitchy” Johnny silently laughed “you’re funnier”

“Shut up” Brian seethed “What the fuck do you think your doing when you come blazing in here and accusing me of cheating on you?”

“Well how would you see things if it was the other way round? I’m calling it as I see it”

“I wouldn’t fucking do that to you” he stood up, facing me

“You wouldn’t?” I looked him straight in the eyes

“No, You fucking frustrate me sometimes I can’t do anything right, especially not lately, anything I do or say you bite my head off for. I’ve had enough of it”

“I wonder why” Okay, didn’t mean to say that out loud. I was meant to be thinking it… I’m gonna pray he didn’t hear

“What?” he asked clearly confused. Okay shit, he heard.

“You’ve had it? You think me being like this now is hell? You haven’t seen fucking anything yet, I’m going to get worse. Ya know what? If you don’t like it then you could just divorce me”

“You want a divorce?”

“I never said I wanted one, you dick. You obviously can’t take it, you don’t understand anything, how could you? Your never home”

“Then fucking tell me, I’m not a mind reader. I don’t know what else to do, I really fucking don’t. You can’t even blame this on me because I ask you and you just tell me nothings wrong” I bit my lip and stayed quiet. Where had all my courage gone? Out the window, obviously because I knew he was right

“See this is what I mean” he continued “There’s something wrong and you wont fucking tell me. You think I don’t know that something’s been up these past few weeks, that you’re hiding something and no matter what I do, you still won’t tell me”

My words had failed me, I wanted to tell him it was because I’m scared but I couldn’t get it out and I wanted to tell him I was carrying his child but again, the words couldn’t come fast enough. My mind drew a blank

“I’m gonna go” I said, quietly as I turned to leave I felt his hand grasp my elbow and he spun me around

“Fucking tell me” he shouted

“Let me go, please” My eyes were pleading with him

“Fucking tell me!” he shook me and I suddenly just lost it

“I’m fucking pregnant!” I shouted back. I heard gasps around the rooms and the sounds of jaws hitting the ground. He stood there looking at me as I mirrored his wide-eyed surprised expression but not only was I surprised at the fact I shouted but that I told him in such a spiteful way

“W-what?”

“I’m pregnant” I replied in a low tone, a break down was evident in my voice

“How long?”

“Nearly two months”

“No, how long have you known?” he questioned

I cleared my throat “Two weeks” I whispered

“You’ve known that long?” Hurt covered every inch of his face

“I didn’t know how to tell you”

“Bullshit”

“It’s not” I pleaded

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was scared. I still am” Tears blurred my vision as I confessed my feelings

“What of?”

“Everything” I pulled my arm out of his grasp and ran out of the room. Once I got into the cool nights air, I gulped down the fresh air as if I was being strangled. I heard him calling my name so I quickly got into my car and sped off into the darkness that seemed to thicken in the Californian air.

Someone once told me that life was full of complicated issues yet it was how you dealt with them that decided your character and they couldn’t have been more right at this moment. This issue, though, was only complicated because of my inadequacies, ones that I couldn’t fix and ones that I always tried to run from but could never run away from them quite far enough; they always caught up with me. I never learned from my past mistakes, I just kept making them. This mistake, I will pay for dearly because I took away the joy of Brian celebrating the news of his first child and made it into something about me, I’m selfish, I know but who isn’t when it comes to facing fears? They consume you and make you seem as though you’re something you truly aren’t. In the end, they will just swallow you whole.