I Want to Hold You, for Now and Forever

Unknown:

Its weird, you know the end of something great is coming, but you want to hold on, just one more second, just so it can hurt a little more.

I was starting to show and whilst many people thought it was cute, many people gave me the look the one that says you’ve ruined your life and that you’ll never have the life that you always wanted or it may be that I’m just extremely paranoid.

It wasn’t just the bump that was starting to show but the strain of being pregnant, married and a college student. I guess I must have forgot how to delegate my time because I was all over the place, I was always tired so I fell behind on my college work and being a student teacher at a local high school didn’t help either because the students took all of my energy which left for no time for me and Brian, who was currently in New York finalising the album with the rest of the boys.

Brian’s parents have been pretty cool with coming to help me with whatever they could and couldn’t be happier that they were going to be Grandparents, I love the fuss they made over me, especially Suzy. My own family’s reaction was a little different, I could tell they were saddened that I haven’t been able to start my own career before becoming a parent but they were excited nonetheless.

I just couldn’t come to terms with how tired I was, I was behind on marking and coursework, and failing was not an option when it came to this, even if I wasn’t going to be teaching straight away. I couldn’t fail, I wouldn’t allow it but this pregnancy was hard for me and it was beginning to get hard for Brian, who also had a thousand things going on out of our own little cocoon especially since things weren’t going so well in our circle of friends

“Hello?” I answered the phone that brought me out of thoughts full concern

“Hey baby” His raspy voice immediately brought a smile to my face “What’s going on?”

“Just trying to do some work, what about you? How’s the album going?” I asked before I heard Jimmy screaming in the background about someone trying to kill him

“Same, we’re just putting the finishing touches on the album so we’ll be home in a couple days” I squealed from happiness “That was too girly for you”

“Tell me about it” We chuckled before the line went silent as it did in the background meaning I was about to get asked a question I didn’t want to get asked “Am I on loudspeaker?”

“You knew I was going to ask, didn’t you?”

“I was avoiding it”

“They left?” I huffed out a breath of air and nodded as though he could see me

“Yeah”

“When?” He huffed out

“Two days ago” I blinked back tears “I’m sorry” It wasn’t directed to my Love but rather two men I adored more than anything in the world

“Whatever” I heard a mumble that sounded like Zacky

“Zack, they’re in the same City as you, if you want to go see her do it”

“No”

“I’m sorry” I repeated, I had a guilty conscience.

“Don’t be” Jimmy replied. He dealt with it a lot better than I thought he would have “It’s all over”

“I could have tried to get them to stay but no way was I going to apologise”

“Why did you need to apologise?” Matt asked

“I think I made the situation worse but we’ll talk about it when you get home” I sniffled, I tried to conceal it but I failed.

“Babe, don’t be upset, it’ll all work out”

“I should have defended her, she was my friend first” I sounded like I was angry at them but I was really angry at myself “But she was wrong and I love you guys, I really couldn’t stand by and watch it yet what if that was Beci? I know I would have stuck up for her. What’s wrong with me?”

“You’re carrying a Haner” Johnny laughed making light of the situation and we all shared the laugh

“Jimmy? Zacky?” They both mumbled a reply in acknowledgement “You deserve more than that. If Dani wouldn’t have stayed for you, she wasn’t worth it in the first place and if Jen loved you as much as she said she did, she wouldn’t have done what she did. Fresh starts and new beginnings”

“Very true” I could just imagine Jimmy nodding with a finger on his chin and this image alone made me smile again “Love ya Darlin’” he said in a southern accent

“Love you too Jim”

“This is way too mushy” Matt commented

“Fuck off then” I giggled “This is a lurrrrve fest”

“Muppet”

“That’s mean! Brian tell him!”

“Matt, you’re a douche”

“Fuck you Syn” He took me off speaker and went somewhere more private for us to talk

“How’s the baby?”

“Annoying, definitely yours”

“Funny, real funny”

“Baby’s good, just taking up all my energy”

“Yeah, Dad mentioned that you looked exhausted. Maybe you have too much on your plate”

“There’s no choice, I can’t drop one of the thousand things I’m doing. I can’t drop the baby because…. Well I’m pretty sure that’s murder and I’m not quitting school after all this hard work”

“I don’t know what to say but I’m worried that you’re going to burn yourself out”

“Same here, kiddo. You’ve got a lot going on over there too so stop using me as an excuse not to think about it”

“True. This has been the hardest album to do because of Zacky and Jimmy, they’ve been here but they haven’t, know what I mean?”

“Yeah I do, they’ll be okay though”

“Zacky will be but it’s Jimmy I’m worried about the most. He expresses himself differently to others. I don’t know” He sighed

“Baby, I love you and I swear, once you come home for a little break everything will be okay” I heard knocking at the door as I finished the sentence “Maybe that’s what you need, just a little time because the Lord knows you’ve all been working so damn hard”

“Sup Blud” Beci smiled as she walked in

“Your right” Brian replied sounding fed up “I need to get back and tell Beci that Matt’s been trying to get a hold of her”

“Will do. Love you”

“Love you too” We hung up and my concern grew. He sounded worn out and I didn’t like it one bit.

“Matt’s been trying to ring you”

“He has?” She looked for her phone “So he has. Ah, I’ll ring him later. You alright?”

“Yeah, how’s Charl?”

“She’s alright, she’s at work otherwise she would have come with. I’m okay too by the way” She laughed

“Gooood. I’m tired, do my work!”

“No, I have my own to do, that’s why I came over” She pouted “I was all lonely”

“So you have to distract me?”

“Yes”

“Fine” I huffed as we laid our stuff all over the table and got to work, we got a good amount done and to be fair on Beci, she didn’t distract me, she made me work and because of that, I’m practically caught up on everything just a few bits and pieces of marking to do. It got me thinking about when we were younger and made me wish that we could go back to that, when everything was easy and we had no responsibility, all I want is one day to go back with what I know now and may be I would have done things differently, been more rational, thought things through more and made more sensible decisions. Somehow, I have a feeling that I would have done things exactly the same, no matter how much hurt was involved. What would you give for just one more day of being young and carefree?

“Have you spoken to Jen or Dani?” Beci spoke up

“No, have you?”

“I’ve spoken to Dani, a little bit, she was trying to get me to understand but I couldn’t, I tried and I couldn’t”

“I know how you feel, dude, I would say don’t feel bad but I’d be a hypocrite”

“We didn’t do anything wrong though, I don’t know why we were brought into it”

“Me either” I looked at her with a sad expression. Neither of us could make sense of it and it’ll always be considered one of those rare frequencies where you lose people over stupidity, it’s the only thing that breaks my heart, I lost my best friends.

That night turned into the same as the many other restless nights that went before it, my brain just didn’t want to shut down and even though the baby wasn’t fully developed, it still knew the pain that I felt and was just as restless as I was. Guilt had became apart of my daily routine lately.

The next few days I still felt as though I was a zombie, I just wanted to scream and make it all go away. We were all heartbroken by the sudden turn of events especially those two boys that I loved as though they were my brothers and that’s what made the guilt increase because if I could have done something, anything then the situation could have been different. It was just another situation I couldn’t control, another situation into which I was powerless, a failure.

“Quiet down!” I shouted at the class with a slight laugh to my voice

“Miss” one of the students hollered “We need more lessons like this that was fun, man”

“I’ll do my best but the lesson is nearly over and I want to go home more than you do so unless you listen we all stay late!”

I loved teaching, I may not have been qualified but this was the best thing about my final year, it was practical learning and I got classes under supervision. I always believed that learning should be fun because that way they were more willing to participate and they learnt more in the process yet no matter how old you get, there are always more lessons to learn.

As much as I loved teaching the journey home was always the best part of the day, it was a quiet minute to myself where I could jam with the radio and be as stupid as I wanted because I would just be alone when I would get back home. What should I make for dinner? I’m feeling a pasta dish but I’m not quite sure, screw it, I’m just going to order in again… Yes, I know I’m lazy and the fact that I can’t cook doesn’t help much either.

The lights were all out which meant Brian was still not home, a sigh left my lips and I put the key in the door. Once I was in I threw my stuff on the floor and walked into the kitchen.

“Boo!” I heard shouted and someone jumped on me and I swear just by the scream that escaped my lips; I would have been cast in a horror film. The lights came on and I was surrounded by extremely familiar looking men and a Jimmy on me.

“What?” Confusion was also apart of my daily routine

“We’re home” Jimmy grinned

“Duh” I replied “But you said it was going to take longer”

“Surprise!” He hugged me before pushing me to Brian who embraced me. I couldn’t help but snuggle into him and breathe in his scent

“Have you seen…” Jimmy cut me off

“Yeah I did the same to her but she hit me” He showed me a red mark on his face and I laughed. We all grabbed some drinks and in Zacky’s case, some snacks and made base in the living room

“Everything all good and sorted?” I asked

“It sounds fucking amazing” Johnny commented

“Good” And then it went all quiet and there was a metaphoric elephant in the room but who was going to speak first, everyone either looked around the room or at the floor, I got bored and I could tell Jimmy and Jason were too “Sooo, I’m starting to crave mussels”

“Mussels?” Jason laughed

“Yup, it’s weird, it was Chicken Nuggets and Scampi the other day and Mussels today but not any Mussels, just these ones that I had in France the once” Shads just looked at me weird

“Your craving fish?”

“No, not fish…. Scampi and Mussels”

“That’s fish”

“Technically Mussels are shellfish” Cam Rackem, who was a good friend of the boys joined in

“It’s still fish” Johnny stated whilst it looked like Brian and Zacky were having a quiet conversation

“What else you been craving?” Jimmy seemed interested

“I tried Coco Pops and brown sauce the other day” Safe to say I got a chorus of disgusted noises from everyone but Jimmy who looked proud of my concoction

“Have you spoken to her?” Zacky quietly mumbled

“No, Beci has though. I don’t think that they were interested in speaking to me”

“What’d she say?”

“Trying to get Beci to understand”

“Understand that her cousins a whore?” He retaliated

“Zack, seriously, don’t start” Brian piped up for the first time

“No, I can’t fucking understand the situation”

“And you think I can?” I asked

“You might as well have packed her bags” The look he gave me wasn’t full of hatred, it was hurt, like I caused this and I get that I didn’t help the situation but I didn’t start it either

“Dani left because of Jen”

“Why though?”

“What do you mean why?” I scrunched my eyebrows “Jen slept with someone else and didn’t like that fact that we couldn’t understand why and that we weren’t supportive in the fact that she fucking hid it, Zacky so then shit hit the fan and she started calling us ungrateful and bringing up stuff that had nothing to do with it”

“So why did Dani leave?”

“She called us traitors. I’m seriously just as clueless as you, they were my best friends Zacky and I fucking lost them too. Look beyond your own pain dude and you’ll see me, Beci and Charl are going through it too”

He just sat there looking at me and it was only then that I saw how worn down he and Jimmy looked; Jimmy tried to hid it behind a mask whereas Zacky showed it, that caused the situation to sink in even more, just how much people can affect your life in so many ways, bringing emotion that can make you feel just as much dead as alive. It just shouldn’t have ended this way.

“I don’t understand what I did” Jimmy looked confused, I got up and sat in between the two broken heart friends

“You fell in love kid” I grinned

“I always thought that was a good thing” Shads spoke honestly

“Not always, it makes you feel fucked up” I got strange looks especially from Brian

“Don’t look at me like that” I laughed “It does! Just everything, it’s a weird feeling so fucked up is the best way to describe it, good or bad”

“I agree” Johnny half nodded “That is the best way to describe it”

“How long did you know that she slept with someone else?” All eyes were on me and Zacky was twiddling my hair as he always did, I had missed it too and I let out a deep breath

“A month maybe, I didn’t know what to do so God knows how she felt but Dani said that what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him but the rest of us agreed it was better out…So it was constant arguments between us. Dani and Jen said we had changed and that we weren’t who they once knew, and that I was a whore who got pregnant for the money. In the end, Charl told them to leave and that she didn’t want to see them anymore and Jen looked at me like, I can’t even describe it, but after everything that was said and brought up, we all knew that we weren’t going to be friends anymore and that we couldn’t fix it even if you forgave her Jim” Yeah, I was hurting too.

“Shit” Matt Berry blurted out

“Dani would follow Jen till the ends of the earth and Jen the same, I admire that but fuck, how do you argue with people who always think they’re right?”

“Bet I could” Zacky said

“You could argue with a wall” Johnny mumbled and we laughed

“The best comeback I had for them was you fail at life and wow, how uncomfortable is this floor” They chuckled at my stupidity as I crawled back to Brian

“You’re an idiot” Cam pushed my shoulder and I stuck my tongue out

“Tour starts in a couple months dude” Jason said to no one in particular

“Drinking!” Jimmy punched the air

“Don’t rub it in fucker” I playfully scowled at him and he flipped the bird

“Where’s Charl anyway?” Johnny asked

“She’s your girlfriend whether your going to admit it or not”

“I haven’t spoken to her yet”

“She’s been working shit loads to pay rent so that’s probably where she is” I shrugged

“Oh, well I’m gonna go annoy her then. Later” He jumped up and left

“Yeah, I’m leaving too” Not long after the rest left.

I rested my head on Brian’s shoulder as he rested his on the back of the couch. A few moments of silence to revel in each others company; I had missed his smell, his touch, his kisses, his eyes, I never thought I would miss anyone as much as I had missed him. It was hard to take it in when he was away, he made me feel fucked up…. In a good way, of course.

“I missed you” I pouted and turned my head to look at his face

“Missed you too” He looked at me before pecking my lips

“Everything will work out” I told him confidently. It was one thing that I loved the most about him, he put his friends before himself, they were his life and when they were hurt so was he. It was rare that he ever needed me to reassure him but I loved that he felt he could lean on me

“Promise?” He pulled me even closer to him so he could put his lips on mine, one hand on my cheek and the other on his unborn child.

“Yeah, baby, I promise”