I Want to Hold You, for Now and Forever

Author Unknown:

“When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever.”

Oliver had decided it was okay to wake me up five times during the night, earning me another sleepless night, which I feel that if I was younger would be alright considering my sleeping pattern back then would mean I was awake when it was dark and sleeping during the light, if only I could still do that. He also thought that screaming during the day was also a useful way to occupy both of our time.

I felt bad as it effected Brian’s sleep and because the boys were about to go back on the road for a while, they were currently using all their free time to prepare for it, which meant they were downstairs in Brian‘s studio. Sure they’ve done this plenty of times to be ready but they always wanted their tours to be better than the last, even though this was technically the same tour. It amused me when Brian was explaining it, he just gave me the you’re an idiot look.

I just couldn’t make Oli quieten down, I felt like I was an epic fail of a mother because I couldn’t complete the simple task of making my son happy. What if he was ill? How could I tell if he was ill? Shit, now I’m panicking.

“Give him here” Brian voiced from behind me, making me jump a little and I complied with his request happily

“I don’t think he likes me” I pouted as Oli went straight to sleep in his arms “How the hell do you do that?” Making him and Matt laugh

“He loves you but I think he prefers me” He joked

“Well you can take him on tour with you then” I crossed my arms

“Sure, we’ll put a crib on stage and get the fans to sing a lullaby” Matt added

“Sounds like a plan, Thanks” I smiled sweetly before I ran my fingers through my hair. It felt disgusting, I couldn’t even take a shower because there was always something that needed to be done like washing, or feeding the baby or screaming… Okay maybe I didn’t scream but I wanted too, I didn’t like the fact that I was treading in unknown waters, I didn’t know anything about raising a child; little kids didn’t even like me.

My Mum and Suzy did everything to help when we first came home from the hospital but also told me that I wouldn’t learn properly until I did it on my own, turns out Brian’s a freaking natural but me, I run around like a raving lunatic with a constant panicked expression. I was hopeless.

“You know we can’t take him” Brian said

“Want to take me instead then?” Giving him a hopeful expression

“And who has the baby?”

“Erm, the Fairy Godmother?” Matt and Brian laughed “So if you two are up here, what are the others doing downstairs?”

Just as the sentence left my mouth, a crash sounded and Zacky burst through the door with tears of laughter, holding his ribs making us look at him with raised eyebrows

“What did you do?” Matt asked him

“I didn’t do anything” Zacky told him breathlessly as Jimmy, Johnny and the Berry Brothers came into view with sheepish looks

“You break it, you fix it” I said before they had a chance to explain

“What if it can’t be fixed?” Jimmy wondered

“What did you break?”

“Pram?” He mumbled so quiet Brian told him to speak up and when I heard him correctly, my anger reached boiling point. That pram was so God damn expensive that I nearly cried when Brian paid for it, but he said he only wanted the best for our child. Brian could see the anger in my expression and he knew that my hormones still weren’t exactly back to normal with the lack of sleeping and the stress of becoming a new mother

“We just wanted to see how much weight it could hold” Johnny included. Count to Ten, just count to God damn fucking ten

“There’s a fucking label on the side that tells you, dude” Brian told him

“Oh” Was all Jason could say

“We’ll replace it” Matt quickly added after his brother finished

“I’m going to leave before I break them in half like twigs” I lowly growled as I Brian nodded at me

I pushed my way through the boys and practically ran up the stairs to get away from them. Normally something like this wouldn’t affect me so much because it was in Jimmy’s nature to be experimental and curious but I was so fucking tired, it was ridiculous and I didn’t want to ask Brian to help out due to the fact he already had enough on his plate, I really didn’t want to add anymore burdens.

The hot spray relaxed my tense and tired muscles, making me feel revived for the first time in the two weeks since I gave birth. I needed energy and I seriously lacked it, if it wasn’t for the fact that I was breast feeding, I probably would have downed a gallon of coffee with a side of Relentless.

I had soon finished with my shower feeling refreshed and a little more lively, yet the need for sleep was still evident. Laughter floated from downstairs alerting me that the boys were still prating around, I fought the urge to roll my eyes. I guess I’m not going to have any alone time, I wish I could just get lost in a good book or re-read a couple of my favourites like A Million Little Pieces by James Frey or A Colour Purple by Alice Walker, I miss reading. I miss silence.

As I walked down the staircase, I heard Oliver faintly whimpering and stirring and I looked at my watch realising that it was time for a feed. Ah, the joys of breast feeding is that I have to do it in private even though the guys said it was quite alright for me to just do it in front of them, perverts. I walked into the kitchen and took Oli from Brian

“My little boy is hungry”

“Go right a head” Johnny said with a grin and wide eyes

“I’m still mad at you” I replied with a curt smile as I left to make base in the Living room.

I flicked through channels on the Television as Oli latched on and started to feed. I stopped on a channel that was showing The Gilmore Girls, I loved this show so much; Me and Beci used to watch it religiously when we were younger.

“They didn’t mean too” Brian snapped me out of my daze, grateful that it was only him in the room

“What?” My eyebrows knitted together

“They didn’t mean to break the pram”

“I know but it was so expensive Brian and the fact that there was a lack of fucking respect in the act just pissed me off”

“It’s just a pram, babe, we can get a new one. It’s not like your going anywhere”

“But what if I fucking wanted too?” I stressed “What if I wanted to get out for a fucking second? I’m fucking sick of this”

“What the hell is your problem?” He raised his voice slowly as I started to burp the baby “Your freaking out over nothing”

“Over nothing?” I let out a noise of disbelief “Over nothing?! The fact that, that was a $400 pram is nothing? The fact that when Oli isn’t fucking crying, one of you is making that much fucking commotion, I can’t sleep and I’m trying to do it all but I fucking can’t and you being here is not helping me” I started to well up as I put Oli in his basket

“You want me to leave my own house?” He looked angered by the comment “We’re trying to get ready to go back on tour and I don’t fucking want to leave my family”

“Whatever” I mumbled as a tear slid down my cheek before grabbing the baby basket and walking up to the nursery.

I let it out, all of the tears that I was holding inside, I felt guilty about everything; Shouting at Brian, being selfish and most of all, being a shitty mother. I couldn’t stop the tears from shaking my body. I couldn’t get a grip on my emotions, I felt like I was pregnant all over again but this time I was 10 times worse. What’s wrong with me? Why am I acting like this? I can’t keep blaming it on sleep deprivation either, maybe it’s just how new mothers are because it really is overwhelming once you get home and there is no one there to help or guide you.

I feel like a bitch for taking it out on Brian and the others but I couldn’t help it nor could I change the way I’m acting. I just sat there thinking about my behaviour and I knew that once he went back on tour, I wasn’t going to be able to cope at all. Maybe I should ask for a nanny to help or something but then I don’t want people to think I can’t look after my child even though, in reality, I can’t.

I sat there even after the sun had set, everyday was just a blur; one day would just fade into the next and I knew eventually I would just stop counting the days and watching the clock. The door creaked open to reveal Brian leant against the frame

“You need to eat”

“I’m not hungry” I blew out a breath of air

“You need to talk to me” He brought the other chair over and sat in front of me

“I am, aren’t I?”

“You need to drop the attitude, you’re starting to sound like a bratty teenager”

I just stopped talking, I just couldn’t bring myself to say the words on my tongue because I knew he would make a big deal out of it and that would require energy I don’t currently have.

“Come and eat” He demanded and I shook my head, leaning my elbow on the armrest as my hand covered my mouth “Don’t make me force feed you”

These thoughts were poisonous and I couldn’t shake them, I felt like I needed to scream out but my pride wouldn’t let me. I just needed help. I looked at my feet, slightly ashamed to look at Brian, I should just tell him but what if he laughs at me? I suddenly felt his hands cup my cheeks forcing my icy blue eyes to gaze into his dark brown ones.

“There’s something wrong, I know it”

I shook my head in reply

“Don’t lie to me” He said through clenched teeth “I can see it”

“Nothings wrong” I whispered “I’m just tired is all”

“Bullshit” He was frustrated but I couldn’t tell him, I couldn’t bare to see his face when I tell him how unhappy I am “How can I help you if you wont be honest with me?”

I was starting to crack, I couldn’t take the look in his eyes. For the last week or so I’ve been nothing but confusing; I’ve snapped at him one minute and told him I loved him the next, I’ve cried one minute then laughed the next. I’m hurting him, causing so many emotions that I can’t keep up, Hell I can’t keep up with my own mind; I’m going crazy

“Baby, tell me” He urged and pleaded all the same

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me” I burst into tears and his arms came around me pulling me on his lap, like a security blanket provided to protect me from my fears and nightmares.

“We’ll go see someone” He cooed

“I’m not crazy, Brian” I cried harder “I’m not, I swear I’m not crazy”

“I know baby, I know”

“Believe me”

“I do baby”

“I’m not crazy” I kept repeating myself until I feel asleep in a mass of tears and a wet stain I had caused on his shoulder

I think I needed believe that I wasn’t crazy more than I needed him too. So many thoughts and feelings I couldn’t decipher, nor could I understand what was going on, I didn’t know why I was being haunted by such negative emotions.

Maybe I am insane