And I'm Reaching Out For You

“So….” James said to me, “So” I said back laughing. His sisters were asleep up stairs and we were watching a movie in the living room, Hercules to be exact. He was walking his fingers up and down my thigh, it’s just something he does when we cuddle. Like how Nick draws with his fingers well James walks his fingers around. “Well do you want to….” I knew what he was getting at but right now I wasn’t up for the whole hot and heavy make out session, I mean his little sisters are just upstairs and his mom could come home any second…she never did tell us what time she’d be home. “Oh this is my favorite part!!”I squealed readjusting myself so I was sitting on my knees on the couch. He laughed a little at my three year old behavior. It was the part Meg sings I won’t say I’m in Love.

"If there's a prize for rotten judgment,
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history,
Been there
Done that
Who'd ya think you're kidding?
He's the earth and heaven to ya
Try to keep it hidden, honey we can see right through ya
Girl ya can't conceal it
We know how you're feelin', who you're thinking of
No chance, no way, I won't say it, no no
You swoon, you sigh
Why deny it, uh oh
It's too...cliché
I won't say I'm in love
I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when ya start out
My head is screaming "get a grip, girl!"
"Unless you're dying to cry your heart out!" Ooooh oooh
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feelin'
Baby, we're not lying, hone we saw ya Hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown up
When ya gonna own up that ya got, got, got it bad?
Woah
No chance, no way, I won't say it, no no
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you're in love!
You're doing flips read our lips you're in love
You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say I'm in love
No chance, no way, I won't say it, no no
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you're in love!
The scene won't play
I won't say I'm in love
You'er doing flips read our lips you're in love
You're way off base
I won't say it
Girl, don't be proud, it's ok, you're in love
No chance, no way, I won't say it, no no
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you're in love!
The scene won't play
I won't say I'm in love
Ooooooh
At least out loud
I won't say I'm in....love"

I took breath from singing my heart out and continued to watch the scene when I felt like someone was staring at me. I snuck a peak at James and I was right, he was staring at me mouth open eyes wide and all. “What?” I asked shyly. “You can sing” He said still starring. “Um no I can’t” I said putting hair behind my ears and standing up and walking our dirty dishes to the kitchen. “Oh come on Al I just heard you! That was amazing!!” Okay so I know I like to sing but I don’t think I’m that great. “James stop, I’m horrible” I said laughing. “No your really good Al. I’m totally serious! Why don’t you sing with your brothers or something??” “Because they can sing. I can’t. End of story” I said to him getting a little irritated. “Ally but you can!” “James stop, I can’t.” “You know you can” He said crossing his arms and leaning against the doorframe. “Okay fine I can sing” I said sarcastically so he would let me back into the living room. “So why don’t you sing with them!?” He pushed “Because I don’t want to!!” I snapped at him. “You are ridiculous” he said shaking his head. “I don’t see why you care so much” “Because a talent like that deserves to be shared with the world, your cheating by keeping it to yourself. And that’s not fair!!” he said seeming to get a little mad. “James calm down, I can do what ever I want! If I don’t want to sing then whatever! I don’t have to sing!” “I don’t get why not!!” “BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO” I said shouting. I remembered his sisters and mentally calmed myself….we were fighting over something so stupid anyway.

“Wait, do they not let you sing?” He asked me I twisted around, “What?!” I asked so confused. “The guys….there afraid you’ll take there fans and lime light!! Ally you don’t have to listen to them at all! They can’t hold you back from the world!!” “What are you even freaking talking about!?!” “Oh you know what I’m saying” He said leaning back against the wall. He so thought he was right about everything right now. “I bet they usually don’t even let you go out. That’s why we always have to go to your house or here!” “James you have no idea what you’re talking about. We never go out because YOU never feel like it!! You’re always to tired from stupid soccer!!” “So you think soccer is stupid now!?” “You know what yea I do!! You kick a ball back and forth and try to get it in the net. Why don’t you do something useful!” “Oh and what are you doing that’s so useful!?” “Why are you being like this?!” I said. “I’m not being anything, you’re being the stupid one!!” “I’m not stupid!” I said back. “Well then please inform of what you are….” “I’m leaving!” I shouted at him and twisted around to make my way to the front door. “No your not!” He said grabbing my arm and twisting me back around, man he’s got a good grip… “Ally why are you lying about you and Nick?” Oh my god he is bringing this up AGAIN. James for some reason has it in his thick head that me and Nick are secretly dating or something. “What?” I said flinching, his grip was getting a little tighter and starting to hurt, “I’ve read the magazines Ally. I know your totally cheating on me.” “Are you high or something James!?!” I shouted at him while trying to get my arm back….it wasn’t working out so well. “Do not get smart with me” he said really low. Why is he acting this way? He’s usually like this after he losses a soccer game. That’s why I avoid him when he losses, I encountered it a few times and was left with some bruises. He always apologies though and makes up for it so I just let it go. “James please you're hurting me” I pleaded he let go but shoved me back and stormed away from me towards the stairs he whipped around “Fine and just so you know you look fatter” then he stormed back up the steps. I looked down at my self then I looked to my arms I could see bruises forming in the shapes of hand prints on them. If anybody at home sees these, things are not going to be good, and I’m not fat…right? I grabbed my phone and pulled on my converses with a few tears and made my way out of his house.

It was dark out and I’ve been walking around for hours now. My arms are soar and all of a sudden I think I need to go on a diet. My phone started to vibrate in my hand and it startled me. I looked down and read Joe off the caller ID, I flipped open the phone and cleared my throat. “Hey Joe” I said trying to pretend I hadn’t been crying. “Where are you?! You were supposed to be home an hour and a half ago!!” I took a deep breath and sat down on the curb under the street light on the corner. “I’m at Bartlet and Stevenson” I said into the phone, “Why are you there?? Your supposed to be at James’s?” he questioned. “Um I know, we had a fight so I decided I’d walk home and well it’s taking longer then I expected.” I said laying back onto the sidewalk and looking up at the stars. “Stay at the corner I’ll be there in a few minutes.” He said to me in a tone that meant he was disapointed in me. “Okay” I said quietly and hung up. Tears were starting to form in my eyes again. Deep breaths Al. Since when do I cry over a stupid boy? And since when do I let one get in my head and make me think badly of myself? This isn’t me. It’s not me at all. But why do I keep thinking he’s right? I pinched my arm and the tears started to dry. I could hear the car coming from around the corner. I wiped the make up I’m sure that has been running down my face and stood up and brushed myself off. Sure enough Joe came around the corner in his jeep and he did not look happy. I stood there starring at him and he leaned over and opened the door. I walked over and sat in the seat and closed the door. It was silent and awkward. I just kept thinking about all that James said. We pulled up to the house and Joe turned off the car and we sat there, “Ally it was stupid of you to walk home across town by yourself at-“ he stopped to look at his phone for the time, “At twelve fifteen at night!” “I know” I said quietly, “So why did you do it?” He asked looking at me, “We had a fight” I said simply. “Want to talk about it?” I looked at Joe and then back to my hands. “Alright another time.” He said opening his door, I followed his actions and we got into the house, it was dark “Where is everyone?” “Mom and Dad went to bed at ten, they don’t know that you’ve been missing. Frankie has been in bed for awhile now, Kevin and Lindsey are down the basement and I don’t know where Nick is” I nodded my head and Joe started up the stairs, and I followed behind him. He stopped at his door, “Hey Joe?” I said and he turned around, “Thanks” I said and he smiled and then closed his door.

I went to my room and looked at myself in the mirror. I know what James meant when he said I was fat. My stomach is disgusting, and my thighs are huge. I turned away and made my way to the bathroom. For the first time in my life I made myself throw up. After I was finished I brushed my teeth and opened the door and almost had a hear attack. I jumped because I saw someone standing there, “Are you okay?” Nick asked me. “Yea I’m fine, just feeling a little sick” I said he put his hand to my far head, “You don’t feel warm” I shrugged and walked past him to my room. I changed into some sweat pants and was pulling on my tank top just as my door was being opened. “Could you knock?!” I asked “Sorry, but don’t forget I’m just next store if you have a nightmare” Nick said to me, then he started to close the door, “Hey nick” I called after him, “Yea?” He asked opening the door open all the way, “Can you just sleep in here?” “Man you're getting lazy” Nick said laughing but closing the door. So it’s true? I’m getting lazy and fat. Uglier to probably. I started to cry just thinking about it. “Hey Ally i was just kidding” he said rushing over and pulling me into a hug. We made our way over to the bed and I cried while Nick kept saying he was kidding and didn’t mean I was lazy and that I was a very active girl. “Ally please tell me what’s wrong” Nick begged. “We had a fight.” I said to him and he looked at me, “Ally we fought all the time and you never got this upset. What did he do?” He asked, “Nothing we just had a fight and I left” “Then why are you so upset?” “He said some not so nice things to me” I sniffed, “What did he say?” Nick asked tensing up, he was getting mad. “You know usual fighting stuff.” “I know your not telling the truth to me Al, but I’ll wait till you come around” He said stroking my hair. “Thanks” I sniffed and he just kept stroking my hair. I fell asleep but I had the nightmare still and James was in it and when I saw myself in a mirror I was huge and fat. I woke up crying and to Nick’s voice, “Al come on, it’s just a nightmare wake up come on” I opened my eyes, “Are you okay?” I nodded my head, “Just the nightmare” I said. “You usually don’t get them when I’m sleeping with you…..was it the same one?” “Yea” I lied. “Alright well think of positive things and try to sleep, and I’m right here” he said to me. I nodded into his chest and fell asleep.