And I'm Reaching Out For You

"Al, what’s going on with you?” He asked putting a hand on my knee, “What do you mean?” I asked sniffling up my tears and trying to get myself to calm down. “You used to be so strong, the most outgoing crazy girl I knew. Now you’re a girl who’s being bossed around and afraid to speak up.” I know it’s true, I don’t know how I ever believed him. “Sorry Kev. For you know, the fight” I said quietly and disregarding the last comment. He rubbed my knee “I’m here for you, I always will be even if I’m not physically, I’m here” He said pointing to my heart, I smiled up at him and he pulled me into a hug. “Best big brother ever” I said laughing and he laughed along. “Well I’m going to make sure Nick’s alright, good thing he was waiting up for you huh?” He said standing up and opening the door, “Yeah, good thing” I said quietly while bringing my hand to my sore cheek and watching the door close. I sighed and slowly stood up changed for bed.

That night Nick didn’t come to talk to me, I didn’t hear anything from his room and I couldn’t fall asleep. If I did I was afraid I’d have the nightmare and then I’d be by myself because I couldn’t go to Nick. Not after tonight. I mean he practically called me out on making myself sick in front of Joe and James, he saved me from James tonight. He’s been there for me threw all of this and he didn’t even know anything was ever going on. He’s always seen me as someone who knew when to say no and stick up for myself and I’ve changed. I need to be alone now more then ever, I am so embarrassed. I saw the sun coming up and sighed. I legit stayed up the whole night thinking. Maybe it’s time to go for a run. I changed into sneakers and grabbed my iPod. The house was silent and with every step I took there was a creek. And every creek seemed to be ridiculously loud. I finally made it out the door and inhaled the nice fresh air. Then I started running. I haven’t run in pretty long time, and it felt great. I ran around the neighborhood, pass the park that looked to be abandoned for years in the morning light. I ran across Pike Rd. and onto Smith Dr. Then I just ran, not paying attention to the street signs or the morning traffic that was beginning to build up. I just ran and ran. That is until I got a cramp.

I bent over at the red light holding my side breathing heavily. Once it eased up a bit I picked my head up and saw I was on Kingsington. “Wow” I said out loud breathless, I had run probably about seven or eight miles. I don’t think I’ve ever run that far. I wonder what time it is…..there probably all wondering where I am. I should head back. After I stretched out my side stitch I began my run back home, stopping at corners and then kicking back up again. I reached our street and saw that Mr. Jonas’s car was missing along with Kev’s. I went around back and walked in threw the back door and kicked off my dirty shoes. “Where have you been!?” Joe shouted scaring the crap out of me, I clutched my hand over my heart. “Joe you scared the crap out of me!!” I said breathing heavily, “Sorry, but where have you been?!” “I went for a run” I said making my way to the kitchen, I grabbed a bottle of water and an apple. “What time did you leave? And how far did you go?” Joe asked sitting down at the table while I stood against the island. “Um I left at like six fifteenish and ran to Kingsington and then back.” I said taking a bite from my apple. “Al that’s like fourteen miles!!” He said with his eyes wide. “I know, I didn’t mean to go that far, I wasn’t paying attention” I said with another shrug, “Well you could have left a note, mom and dad went to the toy store with Frankie to get Kerstin a present for her birthday party later” “Where’s Kevin?”I asked throwing away the apple core, “um he went to Lindsey’s for some breakfast thing. But don’t forget were going to that lunch today” He said elbowing me with a huge smile. I gave him a half smile, “Well Joe I’m going to go shower, I am drenched in sweat” I said making my way out of the kitchen. “I know and you smell to!” he shouted after me I just shook my head as I ran my way up the steps. I could hear something moving in Nick’s room so I rushed pass and into the bathroom for my shower.

I hate looking at my arms from the bruises. I had bruises on my arms, shoulders, and a few on my stomach. Bruises always look worse to me in the shower for some reason. That’s weird right? I mean what could be making them look different? The water? Who knows. But that’s just what I think. They don’t hurt anymore then they do normally. I just sighed as I got out of the shower and made my way to my room. I checked the clock for the first time today, 12:03. Wow, I wonder what time were going to lunch. I plugged my iPod into the dock and let music blast from the speakers. I towel dried my hair and put on my underwear and then started to blow dry my hair. I pulled on some black sweat pants before starting to curl my hair. I heard a light knock on my door and sucked in my breath. Who is it….I hope it isn’t Nick. “yea?” I called from in side my closet. I heard the door open, “Ally?” It was Joe. “Yea?” “Mom said were leaving for lunch in twenty minutes, get excited!!” He yelled coming into the closet while I pulled on a shirt. I pulled my hair out t from my shirt and fixed it to be half up half down. “Where are we going?” I asked him while starting my make up. “I don’t know but I hope they have good food, I am starving” He said rubbing his stomach to emphasize his hunger. “Well is it dressy?” “Oh no I don’t think so.” He said back thinking, I starred at him and he starred at me, “I’ll go ask” He said with narrow eyes, I laughed while saying, “Yeah good idea” He laughed as he ran out of the room. I sang along with Maroon 5 to she will be loved while Joe called up that it was casual dressy. I changed into a pair of white Hollister ripped jeans. I pulled on a black sweater with long sleeves and a v-neck cut. It covered the bruises well. I checked myself over in the mirror and sighed as I slipped on black flip flops. “Well this is as good as it gonna get” I said smoothing over my stomach from a side view. I looked one last time and walked out of the closet.

I was singing My Chemical Romance’s Famous Last Words. “You look great” I heard from my bed and I jumped around and was met face to face with Nick. I gasped at what I saw. He had his right hand wrapped with white cloth, two band aids on his cheek and a black eye to go with his bruising cheek. “Oh my god” I said backing away until I hit the desk chair and I grabbed it. “It looks worse then it is” He said looking right at me, All I could hear was the music and it was taking over my mind. I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone. Honey if you stay you’ll be forgiven. Nothing you can say can stop me going home. I kept my eyes on the ground. I could feel his gaze burning right threw me. I awkwardly played with the necklace I was wearing. The next song came on, It was Won’t Say I’m In Love from Hercules. I felt anger and sadness wash over me at once. I walked over to the iPod, his eyes following me the whole time I ripped it out and threw it across the room until I heard the satisfied smack against the closet door. “Al are you okay?” I nodded my head yes as I stood there staring at the end table. “Ally come on, you can tell me anything” He said, I started to tear up and I walked away from the table and over to my phone. I needed a distraction. anything. I picked it up and pretended to be busy with a text message. “Ally please?” He asked, “Are you mad at me Al?!” He asked getting louder, a tear slid down my cheek and I wiped it away before it was noticed. I heard him get off the bed and walking, I thought he was leaving. He walked over to me and ripped the phone out of my hand and threw it so it landed on the bed. “Ally look at me!” I looked over to the window as I felt the tears threatening to escape, “Ally!” He shouted and I just closed my eyes hopping that he’d go away. He put his hand to my chin and turned my head so I was face to face with him. I opened my eyes and looked at him, his face. I felt so bad and I started to cry. What were the tabloids going to say? What were his fans going to say? What was Mr. and Mrs. Jonas going to say when they saw him?! “Ally it’s okay” He said pulling me into a hug. We stayed like that until I calmed myself down. “Nick I’m so sorry” I finally said. “Al, it’s not your fault” he said with a little laugh and pulling me away, I still couldn’t look at his face. “I promise Ally, I would have kicked his ass anyway.” Nick said to me. I just nodded my head. We could hear Frankie yell from down stairs that it was time to go. “Ready?” Nick asked me, I walked to the closet and real quick fixed my make up. I walked out and bit my lip before I spoke to him, “Do they know?” I said, but it came out more like a whisper. “Mom and Dad?” He asked and I nodded my head. “No, but don’t worry Al, it’ll be fine.” No matter how many times Nick, Joe, or Kevin keep saying that, I still don’t believe them at all.

“So guys what your mother is trying to say is The Jonas Brothers are going back on tour!!!” Mr. Jonas shouted from the head of the table. Everyone clapped and cheered, I smiled and clapped. Joe looked over towards me and leaned in from across the table, “Why don’t you seem to thrilled?” he whispered, “I am” I said smiling. He just gave me the look, you know the one that says “Stop pretending, I’m not retarded.” “I swear” I said raising my hands in defense he just softened his face a bit but still kept the look. I turned away and looked at the rest of the table, the whole family, the whole band and all the important people were there aka the Jonas’s uncles and such. I sat back in my seat and brought my glass of water to my lips. “Ally want some dessert?” Frankie asked from beside me, “Uh no thanks bud, I’m full” I said ruffling his hair, “But you had only half your salad?” Nick questioned from the other side, I noticed few people at the table were paying attention to our conversation, “I ate before we came, you know me, always snacking” I said with a nervous laugh. “Al we were in your room before we left..” Nick pushed further, “Well before that” I said getting annoyed, “You were out running,” Joe stated with a questioning look, “Look guys I’m just not hungry” I said shrugging back into my seat, everyone looked at me for a second then looked away and returned back to there conversations about tour.

My phone started to vibrate and I looked down at it lighting up it’s different colors. It read my beau. James. I took a deep breath and swallowed another sip of water before standing up, “Um excuse me, I’ll be right back” I said getting up from the table and making my way towards where the bathrooms were but I ducked pass a waiter and made my way out of the front of the restaurant and sat down on a bench as I answered the phone call, “Hello?” I asked, “Hey Al, what took you so long to answer?” “Um sorry, I’m out to lunch with the family so I had to sneak away, but whats up?” I asked checking back inside threw the window to make sure they didn’t see me. “Oh well listen I wanted to do this in person, but then I figured if I came to your house, I’d have to kick the shit out of Nick again” He said starting to laugh, I tightened my eyes closed and let out a “Mhm” so he’d keep going on, “Well I wanted to say sorry Ally, for everything. You know I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, and I’m really sorry I got that way Ally. You just know how upset I get about loosing and fighting with you, but I can honestly say I didn’t ever mean to hurt you and I won’t do it again…I promise Allison with all my heart” I sighed and readjusted myself on the bench awkwardly. How can I say no to this? I mean it really isn’t his fault that he get’s so upset easily, and I did somewhat bring this on myself, I mean I did push him to be more angry when I knew he was already in a bad mood. So it is really my fault I guess, “It’s okay James, I know you didn’t mean to, you never do” I said quietly. “Good, do you want to go out tonight?” He asked switching from the caring mood to the more demanding James I’ve grown to know so very well. “Um I don’t know, I mean the family-“ I started but was cut off, “Come on Al, can’t you tell them we’ve had this planed or something? I want to chill tonight” “I don’t know” “Come on al” “Um I guess” I said caving. “Cool we can chill here, cause like I said if I see your brothers I may kick there asses” He said back with that laugh, “Um yea sounds good, but look I have to get back to lunch” “Alright bye, love you” He said to me, “Bye James” I said hanging up the phone, I sat there and stared at the traffic going by and thought about what I just did. How could I still go back out with him? But then again it was kind of my fault, I was being pushy…

“Al what are you doing out here?” Nick asked from the door, I turned around and took one last deep breath before standing up, “I had to take a phone call” “From?” I hesitated before finally saying who it was, “James” “What the hell did he want?” Nick asked stepping fully out of the door and walking towards me. “Um just to hang out tonight at his house” He laughed and then when he saw I wasn’t laughing he stopped, “Ally your not seriously going over there are you?” He asked looking at me, “Um well yea” I said quietly, “Ally! What if he hits you….again!?! I won’t be there to stop him this time!” Nick shouted at me, I just stood there, “Nick it was sort of my fault the first time, I mean I made a big deal about not feeling good and got him even more upset when I knew he was already upset because they lost the game, I brought it on myself.” I said looking at my hands. “That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard any one say freaking say!!!! He had no right to hit you!! EVER!!” He shouted backing up and pointing at me. “Nick please stop” I said begging him, the rest of the family came out of the restaurant and stopped with confused faces, I looked away. “Nicholas what’s going on?” Mr. Jonas asked. “She- She’s going back out with that guy!! The one that did this to me!!” He shouted pointing at his face but still looking at me, i could hear him tearing up and I looked away again. “Allison, no. You are not alowed to go” Mr. Jonas said sternly. I looked up “But that’s not fair” I said standing up, “Ally come on think for real here, he would have hit you if Nick wasn’t there!” Joe said. People on the street were staring at us and I was feeling so awkward. “That’s not true.” I said to them, I just lied to my whole family, “What are you talking about you know he would have he has before!!” Nick shouted. “Nick please stop!!” I yelled back, “Wait, he’s actually hit you!?!” Mr. and Mrs. Jonas said together, I looked away but then back to them, “Only a few times but that was just because we were joking around!! He gets a little carried away sometimes, it’s just fun and games” I said to them, “What the hell are you talking about Ally, do you not see the bruises all over your body from him!?” Nick shouted, “Nicholas language!” Mrs. Jonas snapped. The paparazzi was getting some shots, “Everyone in the car NOW” Mr. Jonas shouted pointing to the van, we all piled in before an all out shouting match exploded. Mr. Jonas, Nick, Joe, and Kevin were freaking out on me for me agreeing to go back out with him. Mrs. Jonas was trying to get us all to calm down and Frankie was just terrified.

Me? I was crying. Hysterically. Wouldn’t you? I mean picture it, your WHOLE family just shouting at you, and not even knowing the real side of him, not letting you explain that he was different around you. I just couldn’t yell anymore so I cried. Usually they would stop the yelling and comfort me, but not this time. They just kept yelling. I tried to block them out with my tears but it wasn’t working out so well.