Recalled to Life

Dinner was like a slow progression of honey dripping from a bottle. Our mother sat at the head of the table and droned on about when Tom and I had just started Tokio Hotel (named Devilish at the time). She had been lightly dipping into the past this week, trying to refill my head with loving memories. Tom liked to remind me of myStar Search days, drawing back the memories of my famous performance of “It’s Raining Men”, and then he would snicker about how it was originally sung by a woman. I stabbed a mushy glob of cooked carrots with my spoon, trying to appear agitated at his mockery, but I flushed and a small smile crept across my tight-skinned face. My reddened face made Tom laugh, commenting on how I looked like a clown with red face paint on my cheeks. His laughing didn’t last long though because soon our mother shot him an angry look, and he silenced at once, looking down to his plate and prodding some meat with his fork.

“You boys really should have Georg and Gustav over sometime soon,” our mother commented, chewing on a piece of steak before speaking again. “They have had our phone ringing off the hook all week.”

That was true. Georg and Gustav were two best friends of Tom and I, and I would have expected them to be worried sick about me. Yet something in my head said I wasn’t ready to see them this soon after being “recalled to life”. I was a twig with stringy hair and sunken eyes; what would Georg and Gustav think of me? Obviously they would be repulsed at the sight of me; everyone else had been when we went out to the local park. I had wanted to cry, to hide away and sink away like the shadow I was. The public didn’t recognize me, they didn’t know this--this… “form” of me. People remember the happy, spiky haired, eyeliner wearing, German boy who was part of a rising band that their daughters would crank up their radio to when ever their songs played.

Tom and I had relaxed in the park for a while one cold, windy day. It had been only a few days after leaving the hospital and I was excited to get back to my life and our fans, but I would have never expected the reaction I got from some people. As we sat on one of the cold, wooden benches with their green, peeling paint, I watched people walk by and give me looks like I was some homeless man who hadn’t eaten more than crumbs for the past few months. One little girl even walked by and asked what kind of person I was: male, female, or an “it”. Her mother glanced over and me and wrinkled her nose, degusted.

“People like him, honey, don’t even deserve to have a gender,” the mother spat in my direction, her words like knives digging into my healing heart. “People like him are failures in life; they made bad choices that put them where they deserve to be. I can’t even genderize that creature.”

Her comment cut me like a sword; my jaw dropped as the mother and daughter walked along the park path once again; the girl glanced back at me with wide, blue eyes. A creature, that mother had described me as a creature, nothing worthy of being or having the right to be associated with human beings. Tom jumped up to his feet at that point, yelling after the lady about how she had no respect for her fellow countrymen. Tears brimmed around my dull brown eyes as multiple people passing by turned to look at the monster that sat on the worn park bench; a human was guarding him defensively. Pardon, a human was guarding it defensively. Tom growled at the people who started to stare, telling them that they were no better than that mother for looking at me like I wasn’t human.

Soon so many confused, curious eyes were burning through my black and white Tokio Hotel hoodie that I hoped to my feet, tears streaming down my paper-thin face. “Enough!” I had croaked, voice trembling like my knees were. “This creature is going home. Don’t worry, this thing won’t bother you anymore. The monster is going back to its den.” And with that I slowly stomped my way out of the park, receiving terrified glances and stares as Tom tailgated me, screaming at them to get back to their own business, to leave us alone. Once we reached our home I broke down, almost suffocating myself in my own tears and gasps for breath. Tom led me to my bedroom, helping me onto my bed as I continued to bawl. I sat curled up on my bed, rocking back and forth while Tom held me in a warm, comforting embrace.

I didn’t leave the house after that event in the park.

I wasn’t a thing, I couldn’t be a thing. No, I was Bill Kaulitz. I still am Bill Kaulitz, not a… a monster, a creature that would haunt children’s dreams when they slept in what they would think to be there secure beds. My image wasn’t going to terrorize them as they slept, it wasn’t going to ruin someone’s day or make them feel sick. I am a human, human I tell you.

“Bill. Hey, Bill. Want to join the living, ja?” Tom grinned, waving a hand in front of my face. We were still at the dinner table and by the looks of it I had been out-of-it for a while now.

“Ja, sorry,” I muttered, spooning up another glob of mashed carrots.

He laughed; it had an oddly intriguing sound to it. I liked it a little more than I think I should have, and that was odd. “Man, Bill. You were out for a while; even mom got tired and went to bed. What were you thinking about?” my twin asked, picking up his plate and taking it over to the dishwasher in the kitchen. His silver lip ring was like a star on his lower lip when he smiled over at me; I cracked a smile just so he could see that I wasn’t completely out-there. “Well?” he added, putting his dish away. I set my spoon down in my orange mush, staring into it like it was an all-seeing mirror. “Want me to take that for you?” Tom asked from my side; I jumped. How had he gotten next to me so quickly without me noticing?

“Yeah. Yeah, that would be great,” I murmured, picking up my glass of water weakly and taking a dainty sip.

As Tom took my plate over to the trashcan and scooped the remaining orange substance into the garbage can, he looked back over to me. “So are you going to tell me what you were thinking about?”

I blinked, setting my glass down on the wooden table; a thousand thoughts spun through my head. “I was just thinking--“

“That’s very good!” my twin joked; loading the dishwasher.

“I was thinking about the park incident the other day,” I snapped, angry he thought my feelings were fair game at this time in my life. “I don’t want Georg and Gustav to think of me like that; what if they think I’m a creature too?” My voice trembled and my hand shook as I lifted my glass of water back to my lips, taking another small sip.

Closing and starting the dishwasher, Tom walked back over to me, his emotions unclear on his face. “Bill,” he whispered to me. “Don’t worry about what those people said. They don’t know what we’ve gone through, they don’t know what you’ve gone through. Heck, they may never understand.” His warm breath brushed against my granite cold face as he helped me up from the table. I clutched my glass; his breath on my skin made me shiver.

As he helped me down the hallway to my bedroom, I turned to look at him, my brown eyes pleading with him to not leave me alone. “I need to talk with someone, someone who actually knows me well. Someone like…like…” I turned away from him, ashamed to admit I needed to council with another person.

“Me.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.

“Ja, someone like you,” I whispered, looking over to him. He smiled softly, draping an arm over my shoulders and pulling me close to his warm body.

“I’m always here for you, Bill. I always will be,” he reminded me, helping me into my room, setting my glass on the bedside table, and closing the door behind us.

“So where shall we start?” Tom asked once we settled down on my bed. Tom was laying down, his arms crossed behind his head; my head rested on his stomach. I wasn’t sure, in fact, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to tell him now.

“There isn’t really a starting point,” I explained, pulling at a lose thread in my bedspread. “There isn’t even a middle or end to start at either.”

“You never start at the end, Bill,” he chuckled.

I grimaced. “You know what I mean.” My head rose with his stomach as he took a deep breath, releasing it slowly.

“Yes I do know, but don’t you think you could try and explain some of it to me?” my brother asked. “Our twin telepathy isn’t working right now.” His twin joke made me smile.

“It’s not exactly something I can explain I guess. It’s just…” Oh heavens, should I tell him what I was thinking? What I was really thinking? “Do you think the world would just be better without me?” I blurted out suddenly, speaking my mind.

“Bill!” Tom practically shrieked at the top of his lungs, his stomach jolted my head onto his leg and I sat up with a start.

“What?” I cried; my voice cracked.

“Bill you are not going to commit suicide! Do you not remember “Spring Nicht”? Don’t go against your own words now,” Tom snapped, clearly furious I had even thought such a ridiculous thing. He was right, what was I thinking?

“Right, you’re right,” I muttered, looking up at the ceiling, trying to avoid his burning gaze. “What was I thinking?”

“Stop it, Bill. This isn’t a funny topic we can just joke around on. Who cares what all those people in the park said? They obviously don’t know what kind of person you are, and they clearly don’t know who you are. Bill, if they knew you were Bill Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel, they may have never said such things about you, and even if they did, that gives them no right to say those things,” Tom pleaded. “Promise you will stop thinking such stupid things, Bill. Please stop thinking that.” His requests hit me like rocks to the head; I hadn’t been expecting him to react this way.

“Ja… ja of course, Tom. I’m… I’m sorry I’ve upset you so much,” I murmured, shocked by his outburst.

This pleased him. “Good. Now you had better get some sleep because I’m taking you shopping tomorrow,” Tom reminded me, getting up from my bed and walking over to the door. “And, Bill--”

“Ja?”

“Please, for the love of me, please stop thinking about that subject.” He avoided using the correct terminology for a reason, and he knew I knew why.

“Okay,” I assured him, and he left. I was alone now, with only the thought of self killing and pain in my head.