Say You Will. Stay Away.

Sean blushed and turned hastily away.
“Sean!” I yelled after his retreating figure, “Sean, I-” I stopped there. It was no use, and what could I say anyway? There was no point in explaining, or apologizing, and in reality I suppose I didn’t have to.
“Matthew? He’s gone now, wanna…?”
“Sorry Ricky, I’m just not in the mood anymore, I – I gotta go talk to him.”
“I understand.” He said, lowering his eyes. I felt awful, especially after Ricky had been so nice to me, but I had known from the start that I shouldn’t have been with him anyway.

I grabbed my clothes and dragged them on as quickly as I could. As I was putting my trousers on I realised my t-shirt was inside out, but I didn’t care. I ran out as fast as I could, without so much as a backwards glance at Ricky. I thought I wanted to talk to him as soon as I could, but when I saw Sean stepping back on to the tour bus, I had second thoughts. How could I face him now? I wasn't sure I would be able to. In between our buses there was a bench, so, to give me time to think, I decided to stay for a while. I sat down and put my head in my hands. Really, it wasn’t like I had done anything wrong, had I? Sure, Sean had a right to be shocked; I had never actually admitted to him that I was gay. But there was no reason for him to be mad at me. And it wasn’t like he would care whom I chose to make out with. The only reason I was feeling so guilty, I supposed, was a misplaced sense of loyalty to Sean.

Once I had convinced myself it would be all right, and not to say anything I would regret, I stepped up onto the tour bus. I decided not to bother knocking, since I guessed Sean was probably asleep by now. But I was wrong; I turned the corner to see him there, just sitting in his bunk by himself.

“Um, hi Sean.”
“Hey Mattoo,” he croaked, sounding weird, like he’d been crying or something. “So, um, you and Ricky, huh?”
“Oh, Sean, it was just… He was drunk and I just wanted some company and…”
“It’s okay Mattoo, um, it’s nice you got some, uh, company - for once.” He smiled weakly. “So, I guess Gareth was right after all; you are into guys…”
“Uh yeah, I guess he was.” Well, not exactly. Only one guy, actually. I looked at him closely – he had definitely been crying. He was red around the eyes, and he looked so sad. I just wanted to give him a hug, make him feel better, breathe in his smell… Kiss his lips. “Listen, Sean, are you alright? You look so… Unhappy.”
“What do you mean? Sure, yeah, I’m fine.” It hurt so much to know that he didn’t want to share what ever was bothering him with me. I guess he probably thought I was just a whore now, maybe even thought I did the same with other guys, random guys I'd just met. Like Ricky. I felt dirty, like I needed to wash myself, wash away what I had nearly done. Perhaps he had even been looking for me to tell me what was upsetting him when he found us.
“Sean, please. What is it? There’s something.” He looked at me with his amazing hazel eyes, the eyes I had fallen in love with. For a second it seemed like he might say something, but then the moment was lost and he turned away.
“Just drop it, alright?”
I felt like crying.