Say You Will. Stay Away.

I woke with a start.
For a moment I lay staring at the ceiling of my bunk, wondering what the feeling hanging over my head was.
Then it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks.
Images from the night before flashed through my head.
Matt and Sean.
The coffee shop.
Ricky -- Ricky!
Then Sean, Sean walking in, Sean upset.
And me loving him like nothing else in the world.

I listened carefully for sounds of life. I could hear Gavin and Snoz murmuring quietly in the front part of the bus, but their voices were too low to eavesdrop on. Rhys and James were still sleeping. Sean wasn't in his bunk, and I couldn't hear him anywhere, which probably meant it was safe to get up.

I quickly got dressed and crept in to the lounge area where Gav and Snoz were. I was a little apprehensive, as I wasn't sure what, if anything, Sean had said to them about my adventures last night. Sure enough:
"Matt! Get back 'ere!" Called Gav. So much for a surreptitious exit.
"What?" I said, feigning ignorance.
"You know perfectly well what. Get outside and go talk to Sean right now." That I was not expecting.
"You what? What did he say to you?"
"He said enough." He looked me in the eye firmly. Clearly I was missing something, but I had no idea what. I did know, however, that I was going to have to face Sean sooner or later anyway, so I decided I might as well do as Gavin said.

Stepping out of the van, I spotted Sean instantly. He was sitting up against the bus with his head in his hands, wearing the same clothes as the night before. I briefly registered that we were in a different town to last night's, but I couldn't think where it was. Like it mattered.

"Sean." I said hoarsely. He looked up at the sound of my voice. "Mind if I join you?"
"Uhh... Okay." He was being weird again, all distant and unfriendly. I sat down regardless, and shuffled close so we were almost touching. We we're silent for a long moment.
"What's the matter, Sean?"
"Nothin'. Why would there be something "the matter"?"
"You were acting so weird yesterday, it seemed like there was something on your mind. You can tell me, Sean. We're best friends."
"No, Matthew, I can't."
"But why? I would tell you if something was bothering me." Well, I thought, almost anything.
"I, uh... Just drop it." That phrase again. "So, what about you and Ricky?"
"Oh, that, uh... It was nothing, just - Well, we were drunk, or, at least, he was, and I was... I don't know, it was silly, I knew it was a bad idea. He just seemed to really want to and I -"
"You were the one in your boxers, Matthew." His tone was harsh and unforgiving. It only made me stumble over my words more.
"Well, yeah, but... It was his idea and - and I was lonely! And Sean, I didn't mean it, don't be angry, don't -" And suddenly I was crying, properly crying, tears streaming down my face. Sean would think I was crazy - hell, I thought I was crazy. I didn't know what had come over me - one moment I was fine, the next I was bawling like a child.

He seemed to lose his hostility then. He put his arm around me and drew me close, comforting me. I enjoyed the moment, not thinking about the circumstances. His smell, his softness, everything I always loved was there, and that was all that mattered.

"What's going on, Matthew?"