Denial Used to Feel So Good

The tour ended in silence. For the rest of the week it seemed like everyone was giving up. I kept thinking that even after tour ended our problems still wouldn't be over. This whole experience would follow us wherever we went. It would always be in the back of our minds. There would always be the unresolved sexual tension between Colin and I even though we would try to ignore it. We would always look at each other in different ways and I prayed that it wouldn't tear the four of us apart. Then I would truly have nothing left. I'd have to move back to that house and that town. The same one Gabe had promised to get me out of.

Gabe. That seemed to be over as well. We hadn't talked since our fight in the dressing room. I wanted to fix things with him, but whenever I got near him I found myself too scared to say anything. He ignored me with all his might; I could see that much. Bill did the same as well. Everyone knew. You could sense it in the air. Everyone was afraid to speak, for fear of saying the wrong things.

So it was just silent.

I felt like this was all my fault which is probably because it was... No matter how unintentional it may have been, it was my fault that Gabe and William were no longer best friends. My fault they hated each other. I wished that I could just say I'm sorry and that would make everything better. We could all be friends again. That was a child's mentality. It would work of course and I was too scared to try. I was afraid that I would make things worse and I'd done enough damage already.

So I was silent.

I had no enthusiasm when I went onstage that final night. I didn't try hard to hide it either. Kale did all the talking and I stood there with a microphone and sang when I had to. And that was it. Our last performance of our first tour was over. Everyone was waiting just offstage and from those not directly affected by the weeks dramatic events said their congratulations and offered hugs. Everyone joined in except Colin, Gabe and William. I expected as much though.

"I can't believe it's our last night on tour." Vicky T said with a pout, "You guys have to promise that you'll come over to New York and get wasted with us." She pointed to Colin, Kale, Tony and I and we all nodded half-heartedly.

"You'd better follow through on that Kyle." Ryland narrowed his eyes, playfully poking my stomach, trying to lighten the mood.

"Kyle's not very good at following through on promises..." Gabe mumbled from his spot in the back. Everyone heard.

There was a long silence before I squeaked out a small, "Excuse me," rushing off to the dressing room. I took a shower and got on the bus and then woke up the next day just as we were pulling up to the airport.

"Kay it's time to wake up." Tony whispered in my ear, brushing my hair out of my face. With difficulty I opened my tear-crusted eyes and stared at him.

"We're at the airport?" I asked with my voice hoarse from sleep.

"Yeah, but we gotta hurry our flights going to be boarding soon." He said gently. I nodded and gathered myself and my stuff and followed everyone into the airport. Cobra Starship and The Academy Is...had flights after ours so they promised to see us off and say goodbye at the gate. Baggage check and security went by fast, seeing as it wasn't the weekend and too soon we were at our gate.

Standing there waiting for our flight to be called, it struck me how badly I didn't want to get back to the real world. Sure, we were having a shitty time on the last leg of the tour but I didn't want to go home, back to reality. I didn't want to leave here with unresolved feelings. I didn't want to leave here without Gabe, but I knew I had to. I knew he hated me and I didn't want it to end like that, but that seemed like it was going to have to be that way.

"That's us..." Kale said quietly as our plane began boarding. The goodbyes began and hugs were passed around like we were never going to see each other alive. Ryland, Nate, Alex, Vicky, Mike, Michael, The Butcher and Sisky were all given hugs and at the very end was two people I had no idea what to do with.

"William..." I breathed, biting my lip and watching my shoes, "You probably don't want a hug." My eyes flickered up to his and he was looking at the floor, "I'm sorry." I finally said quickly turning away.

I hesitated in front of Gabe but then walked away without saying a word. I could feel everyone was stunned. William looked up from the ground and actually made eye contact with me and then Gabe, a surprised look on his face. Colin even grabbed onto my arm as I passed him and frowned at me. With tears blurring my vision, I shook off his hand and started toward the boarding line.

"Kyle!" Gabe's voice cracked as he called out to me. I froze and slowly turned around to see him running towards me, "Don't leave me..." He begged, tears in his eyes as well as he leaned down and kissed me hard. He kissed me intensely with everyone right there to see. I pulled away, crying freely now.

"Gabe-don't-" I tried to protest but he kept pulling me back into a kiss, "Gabe-"

"Kyle," He began cupping my face with both hands, "I know-I know that we fought...I know that I hurt you-and-and that we said some things that we regret. I know that this thing-this whole situation ripped us apart-but please, please, don't leave me here alone. Tell me you still care." He looked at me with hope.

"I do." I mumbled trying to hold back a water fall of tears.

"You're going to come live with me right?"

I stopped, "What?" I whispered, looking up at him.

"Remember? You were going to come live with me! Kyle, we were going to live together." He was desperate in his pleas.

"Gabe..." I took a deep breath to try and steady my breathing, "That was...empty promises...we were...lying to each other." Tears spilled over and my heart broke as he began to cry as well. I could see he didn't understand what I was saying...and why I was saying it.

"No, don't say that!" he said through gritted teeth, "Kyle I love you!"

"Gabe, please-please don't tell me that." I sobbed, "You don't mean that, please don't mean that."

"Kyle-"

"Gabe I have to go." I pushed away from him and turned my back; I had to leave him behind. As I handed the flight attendant my boarding pass, my eyes were still raining. She gave me a sympathetic smile. As I hurried down the walkway, an arm wrapped around me guiding me towards the plane.

"I understand how you feel." Colin whispered in my ear and kissed the top of my head, letting me cry on his shoulder.