Status: Completed!
No One Ever Realized That They're Already Dead
Sorrow Swallows My Screams... 18
♠ Ivory’s POV ♠
“Thought I’d find you out here,” I hear close to me.
I don’t turn. I don’t need too. It’s late but not too late; a little after 7. I’m sitting at the beach, on one of the lifeguard stations, my legs drawn up to my chest with my arms wrapped around them, leaving my chin to rest on my knees. The man walks up the ramp and sits beside me, letting his feet dangle over the edge. More silent moments pass. This moment seems very familiar (pt.8 where Ivory runs away.)
“Sooo…” hums Ryan. “What’s up kid?”
“Life,” I mumble.
He chuckles, “Yeah. I hear ya.”
More moments pass.
“Sooo…” he tries again. “Your dad’s worried. Called me and said you ran off. Told him not to worry though. I had a feeling you’d be here.”
“Lucky me,” I mutter.
More moments pass.
“Sooo… tell me what’s up?”
“He’s leaving,” I whisper.
“Matt?” he asks and I nod. “Tour?” I nod again. “I’m sorry to say this kiddo but it’s his job. Keeps the roof over your head and food in the belly.”
“I know,” I whisper pitifully. “But… what if he doesn’t come back? What if I never see him again? Why would he even want to come home for me?”
Ryan instantly takes me into his arms, placing me on his lap. I don’t complain and just hug him around his middle. I needed a good hug right now. Ryan was more than a surfing buddy and AJ’s dad. He was like a father figure to me before I accepted Matt as mine.
“I don’t want him to leave me Ryan,” I tell. “I just got him back.”
“He’ll always come back to you Ivory,” he coos still holding me in his arms.
I pull back a little so I can look him in the eyes. “How do you know? Damien and Ellamae’s dad’s left them.” It wasn’t till his eyes widen that I realize what I just said. “Forget what I just said!” I quickly tell him jumping out of his arms and standing. “I didn’t say a thing.”
“I think you did Ivory,” Ryan says getting up also. “What did you mean by that?”
“I-I it’s I,” I stutter but stop and take a couple deep breaths. “Can, can I tell you something Ryan? Something nobody else knows and have you promise not to tell anyone?”
“If I keep this secret will it hurt anyone?” he asks instead.
“Only if you tell. If you do Ellamae will be extremely hurt. Other than that? No.”
He thinks it over then nods. “I promise.”
So we sit down once again and I finally let it all out. How when I was 5-year-old I walked in on my mom who was a little out of it and saying things. How I miss read those words for years and that was why I was so horrible to Matt. So distrusting. Then how I found out the truth that Jimmy was who my mom was talking about, not Matt. Jimmy abandoned my sister and mom. It felt so good to let it all out. I didn’t realize how much keeping it in weighed down on me.
“So if my siblings dad’s can leave them then what’s stopping Matt from leaving me too?” I finish. “Their much better kids than I am!”
Ryan remains silent for a few moments. “That… explains a lot. Especially why you avoid Jimmy like the plague now. But Ivory, really, you don’t need to worry about Matt not coming home to you.”
I look up at him. “How can you be so sure?” I ask passionately.
“Easy,” he smiles. “He loves you more than life it’s self. You’re his flesh, his blood. His little girl.”
I know it’s childish but I do it any way. “Pinky promise?” I ask with my pinky held out.
“Pinky promise,” he repeats linking his with mine.
[[July 25, 2008]] \Friday\
Well… Matt wasn’t happy when I got home last night with Ryan. But I saw the look Ryan gave him. He pinky promised not to tell about Jimmy and stuff but… he wouldn’t tell Matt about my worry that he wouldn’t come back right?
…right.
Ryan wouldn’t do that to me. But he must have told Matt something because I wasn’t in trouble or anything. Matt just told me to please stop running off. If Ryan did tell Matt something, he must not have been anything that concerned Matt enough to talk to me about it because he hasn’t.
Yeah… everything’s fine, Matt knows nothing.
♠ Matt’s POV ♠
I can’t believe Ivory would think I wouldn’t come back for her.
Ryan told me her worries, basing them on the fact that Damien’s dad left him. I’m hurt but then the smarter side of me completely understands. She still bares the pain of her mom’s death, probably convinced that her mom left her. Ivory doesn’t want to lose me too.
I’d never of course.
She’s my little girl. No matter what happens in life, I’ll be there for her. She may come to “hate” me again when she becomes a teenager, thinking that I’m set on ruining her life but I’ll be there still. Through thick and thin. I’m always pretty good about calling Val when ever I can when on tour but I’m probably going to have to double my effort with Ivory. She’ll need those extra txts, emails, and phone calls as a reassurance.
I shared all this with Jimmy and Johnny of course. They’re also on the same page with the fact that we need to call the kids a lot during the tour. No matter the time difference. We think like dad’s now, that if we got out of a show and it was 3am at home we wouldn’t want to call home because the kids needed their rest. But even if it would be only for a few seconds it would cheer them up and most likely they’d fall asleep right after they hung up the phone. We’d have to test that theory of course. And then there’s always the reminder that we could set an alarm to whenever so we can wake up and call them before they go to school or something. Whatever it takes, we decided. We can’t have them all thinking we weren’t going to come home to them.
We love ‘em.
Devil horns and all.
[[July 29, 2008]] \Tuesday\
♠ Ivory’s POV ♠
“Are you done yet?” Sam muttered from the seat beside the spot I was on the floor.
I don’t bother to answer. He asks like every minute. I’ve been working on this thing for days. Dad’s 27th birthday is in two days and I still probably need all of after school tomorrow to work on it also.
On what you ask?
I’m making him a killer scrap book. I went through all his pictures, or the ones I could find, and ones in all the guys houses, plus their computers. I’ve collected a lot. I got grandma and grandpa in on it. I called grandma at Sam’s place and told her what I needed. She was happy to give me a box full of albums to take and copy whatever I wanted.
I’m putting this huge scrapbook from the beginning of his life to now. Dad looked funny as a baby. I got this cool black fake leather 10x10 hard cover scrapbook. It only came with 20 pages (10 front, 10 back) but the lady at the store showed me how to add four more. So I have 28 pages, one for each year, and on the back cover I was going to add a poem. I have about 4 more years to go, not counting the 2 more I should finish today.
“Are you done yet?” Sam asks once again.
“You don’t have to be in here,” I tell him still working on age 21.
“It’s my room. And plus, what else was I going to do?”
“I don’t know,” I groan. “Go practice on my skate board.”
“I’m not good at it.”
“Of course you’re not. You don’t practice. Now please Sam. I really need to finish this before my dad’s birthday.”
He sighs but gets up. “Might as well.”
“Good boy,” I laugh.
He chooses to ignore me and continue on his way out of his room, leaving me in peace. Dad was going to love this! I dipped into my winnings bank to pay for this. Scarp booking cost more than people think! I’ve bought tons of glitter, cool 3D looking stickers/decorations, colorful paper, and all that jazz.
It’s gonna be awesome! I know it!
[[August 1, 2008]] \Friday\
Yesterday was Dad’s real birthday but since it was a weekend day we weren’t doing anything big on the actual day. Instead, Matt, Val, and I all just went out to eat. But at the moment? Party!
Everyone was over, the guys and their girls, some of dad’s relatives aka mine, Val’s parents, and some of Matt’s friends.
At the moment what were we preparing to do? Open presents! I was going to wait to close to the very end till I ran inside to get it.
“Ok who’s first?” Dad asked grinning.
“Me!” Zack cried throwing dad a bundle.
“That’s not some homemade s- crap is it Zacky?” Brian called out jokingly.
“Heck no Zack!” dad laughed. “I refuse to get any cheep homemade gifts.”
What? But… oh no!
I don’t wait for anything else. I jump off the bench I was standing on to get a better view and then I do what I do best when something becomes too much. I run.
Like mother like daughter.
“Thought I’d find you out here,” I hear close to me.
I don’t turn. I don’t need too. It’s late but not too late; a little after 7. I’m sitting at the beach, on one of the lifeguard stations, my legs drawn up to my chest with my arms wrapped around them, leaving my chin to rest on my knees. The man walks up the ramp and sits beside me, letting his feet dangle over the edge. More silent moments pass. This moment seems very familiar (pt.8 where Ivory runs away.)
“Sooo…” hums Ryan. “What’s up kid?”
“Life,” I mumble.
He chuckles, “Yeah. I hear ya.”
More moments pass.
“Sooo…” he tries again. “Your dad’s worried. Called me and said you ran off. Told him not to worry though. I had a feeling you’d be here.”
“Lucky me,” I mutter.
More moments pass.
“Sooo… tell me what’s up?”
“He’s leaving,” I whisper.
“Matt?” he asks and I nod. “Tour?” I nod again. “I’m sorry to say this kiddo but it’s his job. Keeps the roof over your head and food in the belly.”
“I know,” I whisper pitifully. “But… what if he doesn’t come back? What if I never see him again? Why would he even want to come home for me?”
Ryan instantly takes me into his arms, placing me on his lap. I don’t complain and just hug him around his middle. I needed a good hug right now. Ryan was more than a surfing buddy and AJ’s dad. He was like a father figure to me before I accepted Matt as mine.
“I don’t want him to leave me Ryan,” I tell. “I just got him back.”
“He’ll always come back to you Ivory,” he coos still holding me in his arms.
I pull back a little so I can look him in the eyes. “How do you know? Damien and Ellamae’s dad’s left them.” It wasn’t till his eyes widen that I realize what I just said. “Forget what I just said!” I quickly tell him jumping out of his arms and standing. “I didn’t say a thing.”
“I think you did Ivory,” Ryan says getting up also. “What did you mean by that?”
“I-I it’s I,” I stutter but stop and take a couple deep breaths. “Can, can I tell you something Ryan? Something nobody else knows and have you promise not to tell anyone?”
“If I keep this secret will it hurt anyone?” he asks instead.
“Only if you tell. If you do Ellamae will be extremely hurt. Other than that? No.”
He thinks it over then nods. “I promise.”
So we sit down once again and I finally let it all out. How when I was 5-year-old I walked in on my mom who was a little out of it and saying things. How I miss read those words for years and that was why I was so horrible to Matt. So distrusting. Then how I found out the truth that Jimmy was who my mom was talking about, not Matt. Jimmy abandoned my sister and mom. It felt so good to let it all out. I didn’t realize how much keeping it in weighed down on me.
“So if my siblings dad’s can leave them then what’s stopping Matt from leaving me too?” I finish. “Their much better kids than I am!”
Ryan remains silent for a few moments. “That… explains a lot. Especially why you avoid Jimmy like the plague now. But Ivory, really, you don’t need to worry about Matt not coming home to you.”
I look up at him. “How can you be so sure?” I ask passionately.
“Easy,” he smiles. “He loves you more than life it’s self. You’re his flesh, his blood. His little girl.”
I know it’s childish but I do it any way. “Pinky promise?” I ask with my pinky held out.
“Pinky promise,” he repeats linking his with mine.
[[July 25, 2008]] \Friday\
Well… Matt wasn’t happy when I got home last night with Ryan. But I saw the look Ryan gave him. He pinky promised not to tell about Jimmy and stuff but… he wouldn’t tell Matt about my worry that he wouldn’t come back right?
…right.
Ryan wouldn’t do that to me. But he must have told Matt something because I wasn’t in trouble or anything. Matt just told me to please stop running off. If Ryan did tell Matt something, he must not have been anything that concerned Matt enough to talk to me about it because he hasn’t.
Yeah… everything’s fine, Matt knows nothing.
♠ Matt’s POV ♠
I can’t believe Ivory would think I wouldn’t come back for her.
Ryan told me her worries, basing them on the fact that Damien’s dad left him. I’m hurt but then the smarter side of me completely understands. She still bares the pain of her mom’s death, probably convinced that her mom left her. Ivory doesn’t want to lose me too.
I’d never of course.
She’s my little girl. No matter what happens in life, I’ll be there for her. She may come to “hate” me again when she becomes a teenager, thinking that I’m set on ruining her life but I’ll be there still. Through thick and thin. I’m always pretty good about calling Val when ever I can when on tour but I’m probably going to have to double my effort with Ivory. She’ll need those extra txts, emails, and phone calls as a reassurance.
I shared all this with Jimmy and Johnny of course. They’re also on the same page with the fact that we need to call the kids a lot during the tour. No matter the time difference. We think like dad’s now, that if we got out of a show and it was 3am at home we wouldn’t want to call home because the kids needed their rest. But even if it would be only for a few seconds it would cheer them up and most likely they’d fall asleep right after they hung up the phone. We’d have to test that theory of course. And then there’s always the reminder that we could set an alarm to whenever so we can wake up and call them before they go to school or something. Whatever it takes, we decided. We can’t have them all thinking we weren’t going to come home to them.
We love ‘em.
Devil horns and all.
[[July 29, 2008]] \Tuesday\
♠ Ivory’s POV ♠
“Are you done yet?” Sam muttered from the seat beside the spot I was on the floor.
I don’t bother to answer. He asks like every minute. I’ve been working on this thing for days. Dad’s 27th birthday is in two days and I still probably need all of after school tomorrow to work on it also.
On what you ask?
I’m making him a killer scrap book. I went through all his pictures, or the ones I could find, and ones in all the guys houses, plus their computers. I’ve collected a lot. I got grandma and grandpa in on it. I called grandma at Sam’s place and told her what I needed. She was happy to give me a box full of albums to take and copy whatever I wanted.
I’m putting this huge scrapbook from the beginning of his life to now. Dad looked funny as a baby. I got this cool black fake leather 10x10 hard cover scrapbook. It only came with 20 pages (10 front, 10 back) but the lady at the store showed me how to add four more. So I have 28 pages, one for each year, and on the back cover I was going to add a poem. I have about 4 more years to go, not counting the 2 more I should finish today.
“Are you done yet?” Sam asks once again.
“You don’t have to be in here,” I tell him still working on age 21.
“It’s my room. And plus, what else was I going to do?”
“I don’t know,” I groan. “Go practice on my skate board.”
“I’m not good at it.”
“Of course you’re not. You don’t practice. Now please Sam. I really need to finish this before my dad’s birthday.”
He sighs but gets up. “Might as well.”
“Good boy,” I laugh.
He chooses to ignore me and continue on his way out of his room, leaving me in peace. Dad was going to love this! I dipped into my winnings bank to pay for this. Scarp booking cost more than people think! I’ve bought tons of glitter, cool 3D looking stickers/decorations, colorful paper, and all that jazz.
It’s gonna be awesome! I know it!
[[August 1, 2008]] \Friday\
Yesterday was Dad’s real birthday but since it was a weekend day we weren’t doing anything big on the actual day. Instead, Matt, Val, and I all just went out to eat. But at the moment? Party!
Everyone was over, the guys and their girls, some of dad’s relatives aka mine, Val’s parents, and some of Matt’s friends.
At the moment what were we preparing to do? Open presents! I was going to wait to close to the very end till I ran inside to get it.
“Ok who’s first?” Dad asked grinning.
“Me!” Zack cried throwing dad a bundle.
“That’s not some homemade s- crap is it Zacky?” Brian called out jokingly.
“Heck no Zack!” dad laughed. “I refuse to get any cheep homemade gifts.”
What? But… oh no!
I don’t wait for anything else. I jump off the bench I was standing on to get a better view and then I do what I do best when something becomes too much. I run.
Like mother like daughter.
♠ ♠ ♠
GOOD? YES? NO?