No One Ever Realized That They're Already Dead

♠ Jimmy’s POV ♠

“How much longer?” Matt asks from beside me.

“Not much. The children just finished with the judge,” Mr. Charles informs us. “The judge is taking a 10 minute break then will call you all in.”

I sigh and stand up, “I’m gonna go get something to drink.”

“Hurry back,” Lacey smiles.

I nod at her and walk down the hall and around the corner. I spot a drinking fountain and make my way to it. Leaning down pretty far I press the button and relax a little was the cold water makes its way down my throat. As I lean back up fully and turn, I knock into something. Or someone. Looking down I see…

Oh God…
My Daughter.

I don’t breathe for a moment as I just look at her and she looks at me hugging a stuffed tiger. I guess cause I didn’t say anything and just looked at her, her look turned a little scared.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

I smile and kneel down to her level as she stands. She was small and beautiful. And she does have my nose.

“It’s ok,” I continue to smile. “I run into a lot of things. Now what’s a pretty little girl like yourself doing out here all alone?”

She huffs with a slight pout and hold the stuff Tiger in her hand tighter, “I’m not little. I’m 8!”

I laugh softly, “Sorry. My mistake. But you didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh. I wanted a drink.”

I stand up and then move to the side while motioning for to take a drink. She goes to it and moves onto her tippy-toes to try and reach.

“Need some help?” I smile kindly.

She turns her head towards me and nods. She was real small for her age which was weird since I’m so freaking tall. She looked to be a young 7-year-old or an old 6-year-old. As I lift her up and held her so she can drink, I… feel as if this is what I’m meant to do. Be a father to my daughter.

“All done mister,” she says breaking my thoughts.

I smile at her and put her down. Before I can say anything else another voice calls from down the hall.

“Ellamae!”

My daughter and I turn to see a young boy. Her brother I’m guessing.

“Ellamae. Come here. Now!”

I see the kid looking at me with distrust as he walks closer to us.

Ellamae looks up at me, “I gotta go. Thanks mister.”

And then she scampers off to meet up with her brother, Damien. She grabs his hand with the hand that didn’t hold the tiger and they turn to walk the way Damien came from.

Just before they go into a door I hear Damien’s scolding, “Ellamae. I told you not to talk to strangers.”

“Sorry D.”

‘Stranger. Yeah. That’s all I am,’I think a little down as I walk back over to my friends and Mr. Charles.

♠ Ellamae’s POV ♠

“Ellamae,” my sister frowned, “Why were you talking to a stranger?”

I sigh, “I’m sorry Ivory.”

Almost right when we got back into the room my older brother Damien told my older sister. Geez! I’m only 1 year and 8 days younger than Ivory! I’m not a baby. I can surf and skate almost as good as them!

♠ Insecurity: Will I ever be as great as my older siblings?

“Ellamae?”

I shake the bad feeling off and look up at Mr. Charles.

“Did you hear what I said?” I shake my head no. “Mrs. Harold and I have to go see the judge again. You, Ivory, and Damien are going to stay in here ok?”

I nodded, “Got it. Don’t leave the room.”

He smiles and nods. We watch as he grabs his briefcase and the two leave the room; closing the door behind them.

“Ellamae. Ivory.” My sister and I both turned to our brother. “I have something to tell you both. Listen carefully and let me finish.” He paused to take a breath. “Mrs. Harold and Mr. Charles told me they found your twos fathers. The judge is talking to them now. Now don’t worry about us never seeing each other again cause both your fathers are neighbors and in the same band.”

Ivory is the first to speak, “What about you? Damien you can’t leave us!”

“Chill sis,” he said calming her, and me. “Down the street is a couple that wants to adopt me. Your fathers band mate actually. So no worry about that.”

All this is rolling around like a storm in my head, “But… what if my dad doesn’t like me?”

Damien walks over to me and hugs me, “It’s ok sis. He’ll love you. You and Ivory are the prettiest and best daughters they can ask for.” Ivory scoffed but D continued, “Plus Ivory and I’ll always be there for you.”

“Promise?” I ask in my small voice and clutch my tiger tighter to me.

Damien moves back from hugging me and smiles, “I promise.”

Ivory stands up and places a hand on my shoulder, “We promise.” She grins showing her dimples. “I mean… Gold’s stick together.”

I grin and nod at them, “Right. Gold’s stick together.”

“Forever,” Damien whispers looking at Ivory and I with unquestionable love.

♠ Matt’s POV ♠

I stood along with my friends waiting for the judge to speak. Us guys were wearing fancy suits standing next to Johnny was Lacey dressed just as nicely. We had all removed our piercings, covered all of the tattoos we could, and no make up. This is a very important day for all of us.

“I’ve looked over all of your files and heard your cases.” Judge Williams speaks up. “I’ve also heard the children’s uncle plea to keep the children. But I’ve decided in the best interest of the children… that Ellamae Ann Gold and Ivory Amber Gold will be given into the custody of their fathers.” I released the breath I didn’t know I was holding. “I’ve also decided on giving custody of Damien Alexander Gold to Jonathan Seward and Lacey Harper, with the incentive that he will not be far from his sisters.” The judge paused for a moment looking down at a paper in front of him. “But the children have all asked to keep their last name, Gold, as a reminder of their mother.” He looked up at us all. “Court dismissed.”

And that was that. I didn’t realize I was smiling till I felt Jimmy pat me on the back with a smile also. We were nervous but God were we happy of the thought of being fathers. I looked over at Lacey and Johnny who were hugging and smiling at getting Damien.

But my smile faded a little bit as I look at the table next to ours. My daughters uncle, TJ, also wanted the kids. He brought up he’d been there since all their birth, the kids didn’t know us, they’d be separated and have never been before, and of course he may not be away for a long period of time from touring and band shit. I guess he felt me look at him because he turned his head towards me. We locked eyes for a moment till he got up and walked out of the courtroom.

I turned to Mr. Charles beside Jimmy, “When… when do we meet them?”

Mrs. Harold it the one that answered, “At the park. It’s a controlled and non-threatening environment for the children. I’ll bring the children after they change into some more comfortable clothes. You might want to go back to the hotel real quick and change also. Tell the cab driver to take you Oak Ridge Park.”

Nodding, Jimmy, Lacey, Johnny, and I stood as Mr. Charles did, and following him out into the hall. I was walking behind the group and almost turned the corner when I heard a young but angelic voice yell out.

“Uncle TJ!”

I went around the corner but peeked from behind it. I saw my daughters uncle… and my daughter, her brother, and her sister all run into the man’s arms hugging and talking with him. I felt… jealous.

This man was there for my daughter’s birth.

‘Was he the one that cut the cord?’

He saw her first steps.

‘Did she walk into his arms?’

There for her first tooth coming in.

‘Did she chew on his finger to ease the pain?’

Heard her first word.

‘Did she make a mistake and call him daddy?’

Her first day of school.

‘Did he drop her off like a proud papa?’

She probably ran to him to get rid of the monsters in her closet.

‘He’d be the big hero in her eyes.’

She ran to him as a father figure.

‘Who else could be?’

He was the man she knew and loved.

‘I was… the father who was never there for any of that.’

Sighing I turned away from the four family members and hurried outside. But now my nervousness and sadden thoughts filled and swam through my mind. She’ll hate me. I now it.

\ ♠ [[Fast Forward]] ♠ \

♠ Ivory’s POV ♠

I grumbled as I changed out of the nice clothes and into some jeans with a plain royal blue tee. I hear my door open as I was tying my shoes. Looking up I saw Ellamae and Damien. Great… what now?

“Ellamae sit down,” Damien told the youngest of us.

Did as she was told she sat next to me on my bed, the bottom bunk. I knew I was in for a lecture of Damien’s because he stood in front of us and placed his hands behind his back. Dummy.

“Ok Ella, Ivory,” he started. “I’m not sure if you remember but I do. Remember mom saying if anything happened to her to go into her closet and get the letters to us from the shoe box?”

I did forget. But now that he brought it back up I remember. Every 6 months mom would write a letter to us in case something happened to her. At that moment in my remembering, Damien took three letters from his back pocket. Handing one to Ellamae and myself, he kept his own. Ellamae just looked at it then us before climbing up onto her bed on the top bunk. Damien looked at me for a moment and left to go, I presume, to his room for privacy. Taking a deep breath I open my letter knowing she had only writ it a little under 3 months ago in January.

My Darling Ivory,

Oh it pains me to even think you’re reading this. If you’re reading this letter you’re either 8 or 9 years old now. So young and I’m sorry for leaving you and Damien and Ellamae. I never planned for my death to be this early in your life but I knew it could happen. I’m so so sorry Ivory. I’ll be looking down at you and smiling as you continue to do a great many things in your life. You’re an incredible young lady and you can never make me prouder.

I do ask for one thing Ivory… please don’t shut your father out. I know he’ll take you in. He’s a good man. I knew him from when we went to the same high school for a year. Believe it or not I was with him before he was famous. Though he was in a band. But I’m getting off point. I know you Ivory… you’ll try to shut him out. But I ask and pled with you to try and be nice. He didn’t know about you darling and

At that I glare at the paper and stuff it back into the envelope. How dare she lie to me! Even in death! How dare she! Oh but I guess she wouldn’t remember that drunken night I found out the truth!

[[Flashback]]

“Mom?” I ask softly opening her bedroom door.

What I saw wasn’t new to my young 5-year-old self. She was in her red chair by the window. Bottle of booze in hand by her side.

“Mommy?” I ask again.

“Hmmm?” she asks in a whisper and turns her head slowly towards me. “Ohhh… honey… I’m sorry.”

I didn’t know what she did but answered back, “It’s ok mommy.”

She choked out a weak laugh, “Ha! How can you say that? I told him… I did! I got his number… got his address.” She stopped for a moment and I just looked at her. “Called him… sent him a letter and picture of you. But, he doesn’t want you. How can he not want my baby girl? How can your father be such an ass?”

I freeze. I may be five but I’m not dumb. She was upset. She was upset because she had told my daddy about me and… he didn’t want me. Was there something wrong with me? My daddy didn’t want me like Damien’s daddy doesn’t want him.

“The fool!” my mom laughed in her drunkenness. “How can he not want my honey baby?”

I heard enough. I left the room, closing the door. Too bad I didn’t hear her next words.

“How can that bastard not want my little baby Ellamae? Such a sweet baby...”

[[[ End Flashback ]]]

Ha! Lie to me even in death mom? You told that bastard about me and yet you write in my letter that he never knew! He knew alright! And… he didn’t want me.

♠ Insecurity: Does my father really not want me?

Of course not!

He has to take me. The law or court whatever is making him cause mom’s dead now. But though she’s a lying bitch I’ll try to do as she asked. Give him a chance and not be too mean. Gonna be hard since the asshole doesn’t even want me. I snap out of my own thoughts of rage as I hear a whimper above me. Quickly getting out of my bed, I climb up to Ellamae’s.