No One Ever Realized That They're Already Dead

[[April 1, 2008]] \Tuesday\

♠ Ivory’s POV ♠

I sigh and look around. Everyone was sleeping, the window panels were closed, and lights were off. Damien had isle seat, Ellamae in the middle, and I sat by the window. Jimmy and Matt sat in the row in front of us and Johnny and Lacey sat in the row beside us. I move the headphones of my walkman off my ears and let it rest around my neck. I lean my head on the closed window and think.

I don’t think of Matt or my mom or my siblings, I think of my last moment with my uncle TJ.

[[Flashback]]

“I’m gonna miss you Uncle TJ!” Ellamae said loudly hugging him trying not to cry but failing.

He rubbed her back, “I already talked to your dad and he said I can come and fly to visit any time I like.”

“Really?” she asks pulling back from the hug.

He grins and kisses her cheek, “Really.”

Damien moves forward next and they share a hug, Uncle TJ whispers something in Damien’s ear. Most likely telling him to be strong and watch out for Ella and I. They let go of each other and look at me. Damien moves to stand over with Mrs. Harold and Ellamae. Uncle TJ and I continue to just stare at each other, he finally sighs and makes his way over to me. He kneels on one knee and smiles at me.

“I’m gonna miss you Ivory.” He tells me. “You know that right?”

I don’t respond but I throw my arms around his neck. He kisses my cheek and I pull back slightly to whisper in his ear. “You should have fought harder to keep me from him. How could you betray me like this? I’ll never forgive you.”

He’s so shocked his grip on me had loosened, making it easy for me to escape and run from his grasp.

“Ivory!” he calls out to me but I’m already in the car.

I don’t wave bye like Ellamae and Damien.

And I don’t look back.

[[End Flashback]]

Maybe I was a little harsh but… how could he betray me like this? Here I am sitting on a plane to California. I’m going to live with a man that had never wanted me, the least he could have done was send hush hush money like Damien’s dad did. That could have helped a lot.

Ever since finding out the truth… it changed me. I didn’t dream of my dad riding up on a great white horse to take me away to his castle and make everything good. No… in fact, I didn’t dream of him at all. Good or bad. But I thought of him often still. Not good thoughts of course but I thought of him nonetheless. Thoughts of hate really. Every award, every trophy was because of him. They made me feel better every time I got one.

Every time I’d think, ‘Look at what you could have had daddy dearest. A winner. But you blew it and one day you’ll know that.’

Oh he’ll know alright… he’ll know.

\ ♠ ♠ [[Fast Forward]] ♠ ♠ \

♠ Matt’s POV ♠

We had landed, and at the moment we were standing by the luggage thing waiting for our bags. Though the kids had stuff on the way here it would be about 3 or 4 days drive for that stuff, so the kids had bags with clothes and other stuff. When I saw Ivory reach for an orange duffle bag, I reached over her and grabbed it. What was I thinking trying to help?

Ivory glared at me, “I can hold my own bag.”

I sigh and just gave in, giving her her bag back. I really don’t feel like dealing with her continuous bullshit glaring and snide remarks right now. Once everyone had their bags we headed outside where a limo was waiting. Ivory huffed when she saw it, her eyes narrowing at it even when she got in. I sigh and shake my head, not bothering to ask.

“Jimmy?” Ellamae asks as we all make it into the limo.

“Yeah sweetheart?” he asks.

“Can… can I stay with Ivory and Matt tonight? I’ve always shared a room with Ivory.”

Jimmy’s face instantly falls, “Oh… um if that’s wh-”

“No,” Ivory says. “I’ll stay with you tonight Ella. That way you can get used to your own room, not mine.”

“Ok,” Ellamae agrees softly.

I can’t help but think that was just an excuse to get away from me. I realize then that I didn’t even check with Jimmy if it was ok for Ivory to stay the night. I look at him and catch his eye, he knows what I want and nods his head, giving me the it’s ok. I sigh and lean back on the seat.

Minutes later: “Well, here we are,” Johnny says.

Looking out the window I see Lacey and Johnny’s place… and Damien’s now too I guess. We all get out. Ellamae grabbing her brother’s hand as we all walk in. Ivory followed behind her siblings, her face unreadable. Jimmy and I hung back behind them as Johnny and Lacey gave the three a tour of their place. When we got to Damien’s room I noted it was a navy blue color, almost exactly the same as his room in Florida.

“We got lucky I guess,” Lacey explained as we stood in it. “If you want to change it to anything else, that’s fine.”

Damien smiled at her, “No. It’s my favorite color so good guess. Thanks.”

The room was pretty empty but that was because Damien had his dresser and bed still coming. I glanced at Ivory as she just stood there looking around the room, then she looked at Damien causing her face to harden just a tiny bit. She feels betrayed. I look at her sadly. I don’t know what to do, how do I help her?

The tour continues and when it finishes, Jimmy suggests his place next. The girls, Leana and Val are staying at each of their sister’s places. We don’t want to overwhelm the girls too much. We get to Jimmy’s and it’s pretty much the same thing at Johnny’s. Ellamae commented she wanted to paint only two of the walls hot pink, and leave the other two white. Jimmy instantly said it was ok, and if she’d like they could go get the paint tomorrow. I almost made the foolish move to ask Ivory if she wanted to get paint for her room, but I caught myself and didn’t. I don’t want to pressure her.

And then it’s time to go next door to mine and Val’s place… and Ivory’s. She doesn’t show any interest while I show her and her siblings around. Damien’s trying to help me out, he makes nice comments about the house. Ivory doesn’t fall for it. And then we make it to her room, down the hall from Val’s and mine.

She mumbles something but I couldn’t hear, “What was that?” I ask.

“Orange,” she says not looking at me. “I want to paint two walls orange.”

“Ok,” I agree smiling softly.

It’s a start.

“Well I’m hungry,” Jimmy suddenly says. “Anyone else?”

“Yeah,” Damien agrees.

“BBQ?” Lacey suggest.

I nod, “Yeah. I got hotdogs and stuff.”

“Well let’s eat,” Johnny claps and heads out of Ivory’s room.

The others follow, all but Ivory. She just stands there in the middle of her room, looking out one of her three windows. I open my mouth to say something but stop. Every time I open my mouth just makes her angry. After I realize that, Ivory sighs with her shoulders sinking slightly before she turns and walks past me out the door.

\ ♠ ♠ [[Fast Forward]] ♠ ♠ \

We were all outside eating on my outside sitting area when Ivory asks a question that shocks us adults.

“Where’s Val?”

“Wha- I- um… what?” is what I manage.

“Val,” she says slowly. “You’re fiancée.”

“Yeah,” Ellamae pipes up, “Where’s Leana, Jimmy?”

“Um uh I… her sisters,” is what he manages gets out.

“We’re not stupid,” Ivory shoots out. “It’s called the internet. It’s amazing what you can fine,” she says in a mocking tone.

“Ivory,” Damien says forcefully.

The two lock eyes until Ivory looks down at her food, glaring at it.

“Why she at her sisters?” Ellamae asks.

“Oh uh. We thought it better if you meet her later,” Jimmy answers then sucks in his lower lip slightly.

“Do I have to call her mom?” Ellamae asks unsure in dislike.

“No,” Jimmy, Ivory, and Damien all answer at the same time.

“No,” Jimmy repeats smiling at Ellamae. “You can call her Leana. She doesn’t expect you to call her mom. No one can replace your mom.”

“Damn right,” Ivory agrees.

“Ivory, don’t curse,” I instantly tell her.

She doesn’t say anything, she only glares at me before going back to eating her food.

God… Why the hell is this so hard?

\ ♠ ♠ [[Fast Forward]] ♠ ♠ \

“Yeah,” I sigh into the phone. “She’s sleeping at Jimmy’s tonight. Ellamae didn’t want to be by herself.”

“When do you want me to come home?” Val asks softly. “My sister says I can stay as long as I need.” She pauses. “Even though she doesn’t know why I am here.”

I sigh again, flopping back on our bed, “I dunno… its… its just so hard Val. I don’t know what to do.”

A couple seconds pass before she speaks up, “Why don’t you call CJ and those guys. Ask if they can take her surfing.”

I grin, first one in a long time, “That’s a great idea baby.”

♠ Ivory’s POV ♠

“Ellamae?” I whisper from the floor beside her bed.

“Yeah?” she whispers back and I hear her turn over in her bed.

“You… you don’t have to hate Jimmy,” I confess in a soft voice. She doesn’t say anything so I continue, “You won’t be betraying me if you like him. I understand.”

I hear she sigh. “Thanks sis,” she says in the same tone, but I can hear the smile in that soft tone. “What about you and Matt?”

“Never,” I growl while glaring at the door. “Don’t push me Ellamae,” I warn, “and don’t ask questions. Go off and be a daddy’s girl, I don’t care cause I never will be one.”

“Sorry,” she whispers, in voice showing she’s hurt by my tone. “Goodnight.”

“Night,” I mutter.

I shrug off the guilt and turn over onto my stomach. Dang do I need some sleep.

[[April 2, 2008 ]]\Wednesday\

I was sitting at Matt’s kitchen table, eating some Apple Jacks, and drinking some OJ. I hear Matt coming down the stairs and frown as my veins fill with that unmistakable hate. He comes into the kitchen yawning; his eyes closed as he does. When they open and land on my figure, his body stops moving for a second. Only two seconds pass till he starts moving again, walking over to the coffee maker and pouring himself a mug full.

“When’d you get home?” he asks.

I stop eating for a moment at the words home. This will never be my home. Never.

But I answer his question with a mutter, “15 minutes ago. Jimmy took Ellamae to the paint store.”

“Oh. You didn’t want to go?”

“No. Ellemae knows what color I want and Jimmy knows how much I need.”

“Oh,” he says lamely. “And Damien?”

“Still sleeping,” I answer taking a sip of my OJ. “He’s usually not up before 9 unless it’s for school or surfing.”

“Oh that reminds me,” I can hear the smile in his voice from behind me. “I called up some friends last night to see if you could go surfing with them.”

I don’t really know how to respond to that. It was… nice. What the hell? But whatever, I’ll just be nonchalant over it. You know, like surfing isn’t my life and soul.

“Thanks,” I mutter and get up.

Walking over to the sink that he stood beside, I clean my bowel and glass out and then place them in the dishwasher. Taking a couple steps away from him I look up at him, straight in the eyes.

“When can I go?”

“Now,” he answers softly with his mug at his lips making it partly hide his smile.

I nod and with that, I walk out of the kitchen and up to “my room”.

\ ♠ ♠ [[Fast Forward]] ♠ ♠ \

I guess I’m a little, only a little thankful Matt called up his friends. Back home my siblings and I were high on the status chain when it came to surf line up. But now… I’m back at the bottom. Who knows how long or if I’d ever get a wave today. But Matt’s friends are high in the chain here so they cleared the way for me.

I’m very thankful to them. The ocean was a place where one could escape the confines of life and ones troubles and just surf to the their hearts content. I needed the ocean like my body needed blood. My soul needed it. Me… I’m gonna be something with my surfing. Something great.

The sea, the water, the waves, my heart. I don’t think I’ll ever leave it.

I couldn’t.

\ ♠ ♠ [[Fast Forward]] ♠ ♠ \

“You surf pretty well, girl.” One of the guys grinned, his name I think is Randy.

I glance at him, flashing him a half-smile, “Thanks. I love the water. I was born in it.”

I don’t bother to explain and the 6 men just think of it as a saying.

“How old are you again?” another asks.

“9.”

“Keep this up could go pro.”

“Win any contests?”

“Talk to any sponsors?”

Those last two questions being asked at the same time.

“Many,” I nod in regard to the contests. I then answer the other question, “Many also. My mom was actually talking to some before I moved here. Hopefully they’ll be calling again.”

They smiled and Luke, I think, said, “With moves and heart like yours, no doubt you’ll be getting some calls.”

I give them that smirk, “thanks.”

“Enough talk!” Ryan, I’m pretty sure, exclaimed. “Let’s surf!”

The rest of us all cheer in agreement and move away from the sandbar, back over to the lineup.

\\ ♠ ♠ Elsewhere ♠ ♠ \\

♠ Matt’s POV ♠

I glance around my daughter’s room. Empty and bare. It made me frown but hopefully she’ll like the two orange walls, and I know they’re the right two because Ellemae told me which ones. The rest of her stuff should be here tomorrow, but I was going to get her new furniture. The girls said Damien should have their bunk bed because there was no reason for them girls to have it. And with Ivory not getting the bunk bed, her furniture wouldn’t match. Girls care about that right?

And toys! Maybe a surf broad wall rack or two. And wall racks for her skateboards! Don’t forget the selves and stuff for her load of awards, metals, and trophy’s. Anything really, I admit to myself. Anything to make her happy.

Anything…

To make her love me.

I’m not above bribery.