Pretty Girl (The Way)

Olin Library is supposed to be quiet – it’s supposed to be used for studying. However, I seemed to be the only person here for that reason.

“Natalie!” My friend Ashleigh catches my attention, and I look up from my econ textbook. I furrow my eyebrows when I look over my shoulder and she isn’t there. A frantic movement in front of me causes me to look - Ashleigh haphazardly slides into her spot across the table from me. Her eyes are wide and wild, like she’s seen something she can’t quite comprehend, and I think her hair might be a little tousled.

“Did you fall in?” I ask, referring to the fact that she’d told me she was going to the washroom.

“No!” She replies breathlessly, “but you have to come with me!” She’s already on her feet before I can form a response in my head, and tugging on my elbow. There’s something going on outside, that’s all I know by the chatter going on around us. However, I still have no desire to leave my econ book and investigate.

“Trust me,” she says, gently tugging again, and I feel myself slowly rising from my seat, “this is definitely worth leaving your work for a couple of minutes.”

I sigh. “Ashleigh, five minutes. I have a test next period that I don’t think I’m prepared for.”

She drops my elbow and starts walking like she hasn’t heard me. And I guess, maybe she hasn’t. Whatever’s outside is clearly more captivating than I am.

The noise gets louder as we make it to the front doors, and I briefly wonder if I’d left my iPod on the table. If I had and it’s gone when I go back, Ashleigh is buying me a new one.

For such a tiny girl, Ashleigh is surprisingly strong. She pushes her way through the crowd, and I have no choice but to scurry after her so I don’t lose her.

When we break through the crowd, my eyes land on the main attraction, and I swear I stop breathing.

It’s him, oh my god. I’d purposely picked a school away from him so I wouldn’t have to see him. Why is he here? His mop of dirty blonde hair is as recognizable as the tattoo on the inside of my wrist. He turns in profile, seemingly talking to a girl that’s one octave away from breaking the sound barrier. He looks exactly like I remember him, only… grown up.

“TJ Oshie!” Ashleigh says breathlessly from beside me. My thoughts are flittering along a similar path to hers, except I’m in shock. I haven’t seen him in years, and part of me wants to reach out and make sure he’s there.

Ashleigh squeals, and I snap to attention. I can’t believe she brought me away from studying to stare at TJ Oshie. All of the sudden, TJ turns, and moves as if he wants to enter the library. I inhale sharply; his gaze hasn’t landed here yet, and I should escape before it does. TJ and I hadn’t exactly been on good terms the last time I’d seen him, and I wanted to avoid any awkward conversations. Ashleigh’s vice-like grip holds me in place, though. It’s like subconsciously she somehow knows.

His hazel eyes flick over us, and a look settles behind his eyes. It isn’t recognition, though, and I swear I feel my heart crack. TJ and I had grown up together; hell, he’d given me my first kiss when I was six, and here I am, unrecognizable to the infamous TJ Oshie.

A silent venom begins coursing through my veins at the thought. He doesn’t recognize me. But how could he? I think bitterly. I’d been the fat kid throughout elementary school and high school. When we little, growing up in Mount Vernon, most of my peers had generally accepted me as the fat girl, but there were the few that judged me because I was bigger than the others. At the beginning of my sophomore year in high school, when my dad had been transferred to Calgary, Alberta for work. I haven’t seen – much less thought of TJ in the time that’s lapsed since then. In Calgary, I was still the fat kid, up until my senior year when after a terrible car accident that left me in the hospital for a month and I’d lost so much weight that I’d had to throw out all my size sixteen pants. I had to shop at Laura Petite, not Laura Plus. On one hand, it had been extremely gratifying to have people treat me nicely, and my breasts were also more distinguishable, which meant more attention from guys. But on the other hand, I knew they only liked me because I was thin. And it broke my heart.

Since he’s coming toward us, I try to duck behind Ashleigh. She eyes me like I’m crazy, and moves away from me. “What are you doing?”

“Hiding!” I hiss, upon noticing that TJ is openly looking over here.

Ashleigh took notice of where TJ’s gaze is, and stiffens up. “He’s looking over here!” She hisses.

“I know!” I hiss back, wanting to avoid the situation of him talking to me.

“Do something!”

I want to, I really want to. But I can’t.

So just as TJ is nearing us, Ashleigh shoves me forward. I stumble until I stand less than a foot from him. When I get nervous, I tend to rub my arms. Not like I’m freezing or anything, but I just clutch my left arm with my right hand and rub. TJ catches the motion, and his eyebrows furrow slightly. “Do I know you from somewhere?”

Part of me wants to slap him and tell him he’s known me since we were both four, but it’s embarrassing enough that he genuinely doesn’t know me, so I tell him no. “I would remember meeting you,” I tell him, fighting back a wince at how easily I was able to say that.

The two of us are silent, and I can feel my hair standing up on the back of my neck. I do still remember meeting him – he’d pinched my arm on the playground when we were four. But oh god, what do I do now?

“Natalie,” Ashleigh hisses under her breath behind me, and nudges my back. TJ must’ve heard her, because he frowns. I can see the wheels turning behind his eyes, and I panic. I’d already told him that we didn’t know each other – if he figures it out I’m going to look like a moron.

“My roommate Natalie Allister is your biggest fan, I should go get her. Bye.” I rush through the sentence, exhaling deeply when I’m finished, and turn on my heel. Ashleigh, on the other hand, stares at me in open disgust – apparently she can’t believe I’m so eager to leave.

“Wait,” TJ asks, and I freeze. A crowd of whispers ignite around us – TJ Oshie had asked me to wait.

I turn around, slowly, and chew my lip self-consciously. TJ’s eyes are reproachful; sad even. “You know Natalie?” he asks quietly.

I gulp. Know Natalie? I am Natalie.

His question leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I swallow thickly. “No,” I lie, watching confusion flicker across his face. But I feel deserted and stupid, I don’t want to stay around and talk to him, “I lied before.” And this time, when I tried to leave, no one stopped me.