The Things I Never Said

I was in love with my best friend. It was that simple. I wasn't sure when the realization of these strong feelings occurred, but that was irrelevant. All I knew was that I loved him more than anything in the world, and he had no idea. No one did, except me. And it was so hard to be near him every day with these feelings I was harboring for him. The tiniest slip up from my conflicting emotions could end everything I'd ever had with him. And if I couldn't love him the way I wanted to, then I'd rather have him as a friend than have him exit my life, stage right.

But there were so many things I wanted to say to him, and I'd never have the courage to tell him.

The phone rang from beside me, snapping me back to reality if only just for a moment. I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey Liz," I heard a male voice say over the line. Speak of the devil.

"Hey Zack. What's up?" I asked. I really couldn't say anything else, because I tended to turn to mush just at the sound of his voice.

"Nothing much. Okay, so it's your birthday, and I'm dead broke. So...I was thinking: you, me, and the beach at sunset. Sound good?" I heard him ask.

"...Just you and me...alone?" I asked, to make sure I heard him correctly.

"Yeah. Why not? I mean, come the summertime we won't get to hang out as much as we do. So why not make the most of it while we can?"

I smiled. He always seemed to be so romantic to me. "Alright. When?"

"Like now. The sun's already starting to go down," he said with a small laugh.

"Alright. You get here and I'll get ready," I said before we said our goodbyes.

I walked over to my full length mirror and looked at my presence. I tilted my head lightly to the side and sighed. I went and turned on my flat-iron, to pass through my already straight hair a couple times, and set to work on finding some good clothes to wear. I felt foolish for trying to look perfect for Zack. But for some reason, he was worth it. He'd always be worth it.

I threw on a shirt and a pair of jeans, pulling at them til they fit right. I did my hair really quickly when I heard the doorbell ring. I looked in the mirror before heading downstairs. I kept telling myself to just play it cool, act normal. But it felt as if he could see through any facade I put up.

I opened the door and he was standing there with a smile upon his face. I could feel my cheeks turning red, but Zack showed no sign of being able to see me blushing.

"You ready?" he asked.

"Yeah let's go," I said, smiling nervously at him before we walked out to his car.

The whole way there was silent. Before now, Zack and I never wasted our time with small talk, and the silence never seemed to bother us. But now, as I sat in the passenger seat, I looked down at my feet, blushing like mad; wishing I could find something to say to him. It was like as soon as I learned that I was madly enamored with Zack, I was nervous and felt like nothing I wanted to say would come out right.

We made it to the beach, where Zack practically pulled me from the car. We kicked off our shoes in the dry sand and walked down to the water's edge, where the small waves lapped rhythmically against the shore.

I looked out at the sky, lit up with exciting shades of purples and pinks and yellows and oranges. Sunsets always captivated me, and Zack knew this.

I let out a deep sigh and felt Zack lightly wrap his arms around my shoulders from behind. He rested his chin on my head considering I was so short. And as he pulled me close to him, there were a million things running through my head.

I loved how Zack could make me feel like I was the only thing that mattered without even knowing he was doing it. I knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to cuddle up next to him every night, feel safe and loved in his arms. I wanted to spend every waking moment in his presence and never leave his side. And I couldn't say any of these things to him.

"I wish I could take a picture of this moment so it could last forever," I heard him whisper. He kissed my temple, and I smiled as I shut my eyes.

I ran things over in my head again. It was an endless debate between two sides that were unrelenting. What good would it do to tell him my feelings? Would what I had to say even matter to him at all? But, who's to say something couldn't spark? Maybe we weren't accelerating in the relationship because I couldn't tell him what I was feeling. He's my best friend. Why couldn't I just tell him my feelings? Why couldn't I just tell him I cared about him?

My eyes began to tear up and I reached a hand to my cheek to quickly wipe it away.

"What's wrong?" Zack asked quietly.

I opened my mouth. I just wanted to tell him, once and for all. Just let it out into the open and get it off my chest. Just tell him I loved him.

"I--I just..." I stuttered. Why couldn't I just say it already? What was wrong with me? I couldn't keep acting like I had nothing to say to him.

"It's just this is perfect," I said quietly, looking down at the sand. I couldn't bring myself to say it. I mean, we say we love each other all the time, but it was completely platonic until now.

"Yeah...it is, isn't it?" he whispered, resting his chin back on the top of my head.

I never told him that night. I never told him how I felt the night after that either. I never told him how I felt, ever. I forced myself to push all the romantic feelings I had for Zack to the deepest part of my heart.

And all along, I didn't know that all Zack wanted to hear from me, were the things I never said.