A Life Lost

"Babe, you sure you don't want to come to this party?" my boyfriend asked as he grabbed his jacket off the corner of my bed.

"I'm positive, Brian," I said with a smile up at him. "And besides, I've got that huge math test Monday, and I've gotta study for it tonight."

Brian laughed softly at my words. "You can study tomorrow night, Kelly. Come on, we're halfway through senior year. You've gotta get up and have a little fun."

I sighed as I looked up at him. "You have fun, baby. Just don't go too overboard, alright? And call me if you need anything. Mom and Dad left me the car, so I can come get you if you need me to," I offered.

"I'll be alright, but thank you," Brian murmured before he leaned down and gave me a slow kiss on the lips. "I love you," he whispered before he pulled away.

"Love you, too," I answered with a smile, and then watched as he left the room. I looked out the window to see his car pull out of the driveway and head down the road.

Our friend Jimmy was throwing a small party of sorts at his new apartment as some sort of house warming thing. I knew Brian just wanted me to go out and have a little fun before high school was finally over, but I really needed to keep my grades up so I could get into the colleges I wanted. He could go out with his friends and the guys and have fun without me. Partying would have to wait til the summertime when I was home free.

I spent the better half of the night working on math problems that should be completely illegal, and my brain was literally exhausted by the time I was finished. So, I popped a video into the VCR and let it play as I got ready for bed, and then curled up under the covers, the sounds and the colors flashing before me lulling me into a deep sleep.

"What the fuck," I grumbled to myself as I was awoken the next morning by the ringing of the phone. "Who the fuck calls someone this fucking early on a Sunday?" I asked as I pulled myself out of bed and into the hall where the nearest phone was, wishing for just a moment that my parents weren't away on vacation so that they would answer the phone.

"What?" I asked irritably into the receiver.

"Um... Kelly?" I heard my friend Matt's voice along the other end.

"What the fuck do you want? You do realize that it's not even nine in the morning, right?" I growled.

"There's something that I've...got to tell you," Matt said slowly into the phone, and I huffed.

"Well, get on with it so I can get back to sleep. What is it?" I whined back to him. There was a long pause of silence after, and I clicked my tongue impatiently.

"Well?"

"Brian's dead," he finally blurted out. I suddenly felt a little more awake at his words, and I stood up a little straighter.

"What?"

"Brian's dead," he repeated, and I felt my heart skip a beat. I couldn't believe what he was saying.

"Matt, are you serious? Don't you dare fucking joke around like this," I said, my voice trembling as my eyes welled up with tears.

"Yeah. His parents just called me about five minutes ago," he whispered, and I could hear his voice trembling just as much as mine was.

"Matty?" I breathed out as the tears poured from my eyes. I didn't want to believe him. My Brian was just fine.

"I'm coming to get you right now," he rushed into the phone. "I don't want you to be alone." With that he hung up the phone, and the one in my hand fell to the floor. I just stood there against the wall, tears streaming silently down my cheeks in disbelief. Brian couldn't be dead. I had just seen him the night before.

I swallowed the hard lump in my throat, my eyes shutting tight as I heard someone barreling up the stairs.

"Kelly..." I heard Matt's voice before I was swept up into his arms. I could feel his body convulsing slightly as he tried to contain the sobs that I knew he desperately needed to get out. "Come on," he said before he led me down the stairs and out to his car. We were at his house in no time, and I felt like my entire body had been plunged into icy water. My senses were numb, and I couldn't feel. I couldn't feel the seat that I knew was beneath me, I couldn't feel the floor beneath my feet, I couldn't feel the beat of my heart in my chest. I was just in total shock.

Both Jimmy and Zack were in the living room of Matt's house as we entered, Jimmy pacing the length of the floor and Zack sitting on the couch, his leg bouncing in a fidgety way. His cheeks were red and his eyes were puffy, so I could tell he had been crying.

"Sit," Matt said calmly to me as he took me over to the couch. I refused, so he let me just stand there.

"How?" I asked the three of them in the room. They all looked up at me from their gazes on the floor, but Zack looked away quickly before he held his face in his hands.

"He was in a drunk driving accident," Matt answered. "He'd been drinking and decided he wanted to go home. It happened right after he dropped Zack off at his house."

I stared Zack down at the sound of those words. "You let him drive drunk?! What the fuck is wrong with you!? Why the hell weren't you looking out for your best fucking friend, Zack?" I screamed at him, but he wouldn't look up at me. "It's your fucking fault that he's dead now."

"I was piss drunk, alright?" he screamed back at me, finally daring to look me in the eyes; I could see how bloodshot they were. "What the fuck do you want me to do, Kelly? I can't turn back the clocks. Brian's dead and he's not coming back," he shouted, his voice withering away to almost nothing. "And it's...it's all my fault," he choked out before he was overcome with pain and began sobbing into his hands again.

I ran my fingers through my hair shakily, glancing down at the carpet as the thought began to catch up to me. Brian was gone. I was never going to see him again, because he wasn't coming back. Suddenly, I didn't feel so well.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," I spluttered out before I sprinted from the living room, getting to the downstairs bathroom in enough time to grip the toilet seat as I dry heaved into it. Nothing came up but mucous, and my throat felt raw and sore by the time I was done.

The strength was gone from my body as I collapsed backwards into the wall. It had finally sunk in that this was really happening. And I just completely broke down.

The tears poured from my eyes as I cried the hardest I had in a long time. My throat tightened up so much that it began spasming painfully, causing me to choke on my sobs. I tried to breathe but I just couldn't. I was gasping between sobs but I still couldn't catch a breath.

"Kelly, sweetie, just calm down," I heard Matt's calming voice from beside me. He pulled my body into his, his strong arms wrapping themselves around my shoulders.

"I can't," I gasped. "I can't...breathe...Matt."

"Just take deep breaths. You can breathe, you just need to calm down, alright?"

My heart was beating rapidly in my chest as my vision was blurred by my tears.

Oh God, Matt," I howled out in emotional pain. I felt like I was being ripped apart, limb by limb. An entire part of me was missing now.

"I ca-can see him, Matt. I can s-see him...lying all alone...on the cold ground...I can see h-him," I hiccoughed.

"Kelly, don't think of shit like that... Open your eyes and look at me," he soothed into my ear. I sniffled hard and then opened my eyes to see Matt's gazing at me, just as distraught as my own.

"We're gonna make it through this, Kelly. We're gonna make it through," he whispered.

"I can't...."

"You can. For Brian," he whispered again, and I gripped his shirt in my fist tightly as I began crying harder. "Do it for Brian."