Deviation

It wasn’t my choice when I walked out of his house and into the humid Arizona air. I made my way to my car, the moon and stars shining their bright blue light down on me. I wasn’t going to cry. I wanted to. Fuck, I wanted to so badly. But I wasn’t going to; not on his street at least.

None of this was my choice. It’s not that he was the one that made me leave so abruptly, but his words sure as hell provoked me. The sad look in his eyes, the distant tone in his voice and his harsh body language didn’t help much either. The words hit me hard, but the fact that I hadn’t seen it coming knocked me down.

“Karma, I can’t do this anymore. I love you, I always will. You’ve been there for me through it all; when I felt like absolutely nothing, when I couldn’t stand being trapped in my own head. You were there for me and you loved me back. Even though I was a complete wreck, you wanted me and made me feel like I was actually worth something. But I just can’t stand you. You’re a drama queen. You let your emotions take over and you don’t think of the consequences. You say and do things without remorse and sometimes, it puts me to shame. I know that’s probably a part of you I should have learned to embrace a long time ago, but it’s only just come to my attention. I can’t deal with it. I’m sorry, but this isn’t going to work out.”

“But I – No, wait, please. Y-You can’t just end it all,” I heard myself whimper under my breath pathetically after I let it sink in. As if pleading for him to come back to me full-heartedly and acting as if the amount of history we had actually compensated for something. He had made up his mind, it was obvious, and now I was just the ghost of his past standing before him with tears forming in my eyes.

He didn’t say anything. He just stood there, his hands jammed into the pockets of his too-tight jeans that I loved so much, the hood of his jacket sitting upon his head even though we were inside of his living room. He looked everywhere else but at me. The clock, the paintings he and friends had done, the multiple gaming systems, they all seemed more interesting than I did in that moment. His eyes wandered from place to place but never met my tear-framed eyes.

I wouldn’t let myself fall into pieces in front of him. I wouldn’t let him know how desperate I was for him. I kept my mouth shut and stared him down for a little longer, taking everything I loved about him in while I could. And when I was finally finished, my heart fully broken, stomped on by his judgmental words and lack of care, I turned around and walked away.

I walked straight out of his house, softly closing the door behind me and tredded back to my small black Jetta. I let the warm air of Tempe wash over my cold body and wash away the goosebumps that had formed in his heavily air-conditioned home. My sandals made too much noise for my liking as they grazed the gravel of the street. I was beginning to hate the fact that it was summer and all I wanted was winter in that moment, so the weather could fit my emotions. The tears were threatening to fall with every step I took but I pushed them back with all I had.

I wouldn’t let them fall. I would bite them back and keep my dignity while I had it. They would fall when I let them, when I was off of Woodbridge Drive, far from house 22051. When I was on my way back to the comfort of Daisy, my old, fat cat and my warm crème and floral comforter. I would make myself a cup of passion fruit tea and sit in my bedroom, left to drown in my own self-pity as Daisy watched me break down curiously from the foot of my bed.

I unlocked my car door, tearing it open quickly and letting my body hit the cushioned seat. The tears were doubling, stinging my eyes. I jammed the keys into the ignition as I pulled the door closed quickly behind me, wanting to get away from it all as fast as I possibly could. The car engine came to life and I backed out quickly, sniffling as I felt my nose begin to react to the amount of tears that were developing. I ignored the fact that I had left the windows open and let the breeze hit my face, not helping my already stinging eyes.

I passed by 22051 and I couldn’t help but look at the front door once more as I drove by. He stood there with his hands still in his pockets, his thin, lanky body leaning against the door-frame. I couldn’t see his expression through my blurry eye-sight, but the fact that he was watching me leave and not running after me to apologize, to take it all back hurt enough. He might have said he would always loved me but I knew better. The love he talked about had died out and instead, bittersweet memories stood in its place.

I came to the stop sign but before I was able to speed away, I felt my cheek chill as the light breeze hit the damp line that had formed. The tear fell down my cheek and landed on the skin of my thigh. They doubled, tripled, forming small puddles and drenching my shirt, too. I let my foot slam on the gas pedal and take me away from the dreaded street.

There went my dignity, flying out of the window of my car and falling into John O’Callaghan’s hands as some kind of cruel trophy.