Deviation

I spent the next day after Jared’s holed up in my apartment. I ignored calls from Jessica, Kennedy and my mom. I knew I was acting childish, but I needed a day to myself, a day spent with only me and Daisy. I was able to drown out all thought with my collection of Johnny Depp movies for most of the afternoon. But when the sun began to set and it was officially supper time, all the negative assumptions I had been trying to keep in the back of my head became the only thing I could focus on. I couldn’t help but think, ‘Here I am, sitting on my big bed with my fat cat for company. And he’s over there with her, enjoying a lovely family dinner.’

Needless to say, I decided to go to bed early in the night.

The next morning, I was regretfully woken up by loud banging on my front door. Too frightened to even check the time, I jumped out of bed and rushed to entrance and exit of my apartment. I fumbled with the lock but when the door swung open, the person behind it took no time to walk in and begin to ramble.

“Way to sleep your life away, darling,” Jessica judged, passing by me and going straight for my bedroom. I watched her disappear through my hallway and with one uncaring hand, I began to shut the door behind her. But another hand shot up from the other side, stopping the door from slamming on their face. I looked up to see Kennedy smiling sheepishly.

“I’m here for back up, in case you fight the hostage,” He explained, stepping in beside me and shutting the door behind him. I nodded slowly and rolled my eyes with a sigh. I looked down my hallway, hesitant to follow Jessica. I knew what she had planned; a quick getaway with a dolled up Karma. But I didn’t feel like going out. And she knew that.

“Get your butt in here, lady,” Her shrill voice said loudly from my bedroom. A sneer crossed my face and I glanced at Kennedy. His eyes were gazing down the short hallway before he turned to me. I took one glance at his sympathetic smile before letting myself face my doom. My feet guided me into my bedroom where Jessica was, looking through my closet. “I’m thinking dress, it’s a warm summer day out there.”

“I’m thinking that you should get out of my home,” I retorted quickly. Jessica didn’t respond to my hostile words though, knowing they weren’t serious; though I definitely did want her to leave. There was no way I was going out today. If I agreed to leave with her and Kennedy, there was no doubt in my mind I’d end up in the same place with the other guys and the happy couple. And they’d be extra happy today – the day after their one year. I shuddered at the thought.

“Oh, this dress is perfect,” Jessica marveled at my piece of clothing, pulling it off the hanger and draping it over my bed. I look one glance at the spaghetti strapped, floral dress her and Rachael had forced me to buy a little over a year ago, when it was my first year anniversary with John. I wore it that night and after that, it hid in the back of my closet, never to see the sunlight again.

“No thanks,” I said, scrunching up my nose and sitting at the end of my bed. Daisy was lying across the side of the bed, her back supported by my wall. I let one my hands run over her fluffy fur. She stretched at the touch, her eyes still closed, a loud purr escaping from her throat. A smile formed on my lips; leave it to Daisy to make me happy in such a terrible moment.

“Oh, come on, it’s cute,” Jessica fought back as she bent down to search for shoes. I looked at the dress again, picking it up and draping it against my body. It was tighter around the chest, dropping in a low ‘U’ shape, but hung loosely around my hips and thighs. The floral print was a pretty mix of purples, reds, pinks and yellows. I secretly liked the dress, but never dared to wear it after the anniversary dinner. As much as I loved dresses, I stuck with the comfortable and reliable dark jeans and simple flannel or v-neck. At least, that’s how it was after John and I broke up. It was easier just to throw on some jeans and a tee shirt and not care. Who did I have to impress?

I didn’t respond to Jessica as she rifled through my shoes. When she finally popped her head out, she tossed a pair of black flats in my direction. They grazed my legs and landed upside down at my feet. I flipped them over to see the pointed toes and the soft, faux suede material. Jessica stood up and stretched her back as she advised, “You should take a shower and do your make up while I look for some jewelry and a matching purse.”

“Jessica, I really don’t want -” I began to protest but she cut me off.

“You really don’t want to go, blah, blah, blah. I’ve heard it before, Karma. I’m not ditching you though. I gave you some space yesterday and now it’s time to live your life and leave your comfort zone. Which stinks by the way, you should open a window,” She mused. Walking over to my curtains, she pulled them away from the window quickly and pulled open the blinds. The bright stream of light blinded me as I looked to the crazy girl opening my window.

“You suck,” I mumbled as I dropped the dress on the bed and got up from my warm spot. As I grabbed my robe from behind my bedroom door and walked across the hallway to my bathroom, Jessica managed to yell before I closed the door, “Yeah, but you love me!”

It seemed like the peaceful twenty minutes I took bathing and getting my face and hair ready passed by too quickly. By the time I walked out and crossed the hall, Jessica was rushing me from the living room, too entranced in an episode of The Hills to yell at me from the insides of my bedroom. Beside her, no doubt, was Kennedy, yelling over her, “No need to rush, Karma, this is an intense episode!”

I sighed as I closed the door and looked at the display Jessica had set up for me; the dress and flats with a small, black bag, gold flower earrings and gold bangles. I hadn’t gotten this dressed up in a long time and I felt weird just looking at the clothes. But I finally managed to put them on, slower than I normally would dress myself. When I was done, I looked at myself in my full-length mirror.

My legs were paler than I remembered. I never wore shorts, dresses or skirts much for them to gain any sunlight anyway. My skin shone against the dark clothing. It felt odd, not being covered up from my ankles to my neck. I was pulling at the straps of the dress when Jessica burst through the door.

“Come on, let’s go. Everyone’s at Garrett’s with Chinese food. They’ve pulled out his zombie movie collection,” She ordered, grabbing my elbow and guiding me out my bedroom. I pulled away from her grasp as she walked into my living room and turned of the TV that Kennedy was so comfortably watching.

“Hey! Kristen was just yelling at Audrina, goddamn,” He cried, sitting up and pointing towards the television. His sister rolled her identical eyes at him and walked towards the door. I sighed and followed her, Kennedy following behind me, grumbling angry words. As Jessica marched us to the car, I could feel Kennedy’s eyes on me. I chose to ignore them though, until he commented, “You look nice.”

“Your demon sister pulled this out from the back of my closet,” I muttered, glaring at the back of Jessica’s head. She obviously heard me, judging by the fact that she flipped me off with one of her hands, the other digging through her big, red bag for her keys. Kennedy chuckled to himself as he brushed his hair away from his eyes.

“Only her,” He mumbled as she pulled the keys from her bag finally and unlocked the doors. Jogging to the door, he passed me, yelling quickly and childishly, “I call shotgun!”

I rolled my eyes, smiling and watching him as he struggled to open the door that Jessica hadn’t unlocked yet. He glared at her from the passenger side, waiting for her to stop applying lip gloss and push the unlock button. I managed to join him in front of the doors of the grey Honda Hybrid. When Jessica finally unlocked the doors, we both got in. And hell began from the moment Jessica began backing out of her parking space.

Kennedy’s hand reached over to Jessica’s iPod, obviously to change the song. Bright Eyes was playing; Conor Oberst’s loud, screeching voice was blasting through the speakers. When she noticed this, though, she slapped his hand away, “You know the rules, Kenny; my car, my music.”

“Oh come on! I don’t even have a car. And I’m not in the mood for cracked out Oberst,” He whined, reaching again for the iPod. She, again, slapped his away, steering the car with one hand. He snickered, “Let me change it, Jess. How about some Smiths?”

“Heck no, you’re just going to replay ‘Bigmouth Strikes Again’ over and over,” She refused, driving out of the apartment complex parking lot and onto the busy streets. Kennedy let out an angry sigh as she pulled into traffic.

“Then how about we play John Mayer?” He argued, reaching for the iPod again. Jessica shoved his arm back into his lap and conjured up another reason for him not to change the song as Bright Eyes continued to play in the background.

The ten minute drive went on like that as I stared out of the window and watched all the cars pass by. I wondered how many other people were being forced to a place they didn’t want to go. I couldn’t have been the only one in the mass of colored cars; being pulled to a house where they felt uncomfortable and alone. And all because one person changed it for them.

Jessica pulled in beside the curb, near Garrett’s parents’ house. Kennedy judged her as she attempted to straighten out her poor parking, laughing when she finally gave up. She took off her sunglasses and rolled her eyes at her brother before stepping out of the car. Kennedy and I joined her in the warm Arizona air, walking towards Garrett’s front porch, me more slowly than them.

As we waited for somebody to finally open the door, I looked out on the cozy neighborhood. It was a cold-a-sac, each house looking as safe and identical as the next. The only difference between Garrett’s home and the others, was that there was a mess of cars flowing out of his driveway; even the old, black BMW.

“Goddamn, you’re all such lazy assholes,” We heard a girl mutter from behind the door before she pulled it open. When we filed in, I saw the back of Rachael’s small figure fading away into the living room. A small, involuntary smile appeared on my face.

“We’re here!” Kennedy called into the house as he closed the door behind him. A loud crash, a curse word shouted and a few laughs came from the living room that we were closing in on. Garrett’s angry voice from around the corner yelled, “Nobody cares!”

As we appeared in the beginning of the living room, one after another, Pat passed by us to go to the bathroom. When his eyes landed on me, he yelled back to the group waiting for our official arrival, “And they actually managed to pull Karma out of her bat-cave!”

Jessica took a seat next to Jared as Kennedy went straight into the kitchen for a beverage. All eyes were boring into me, but I managed to just roll my eyes and say calmly, “Well excuse me for wanting to spend a little time by myself and not with you socially retarded kids.”

“Yeah, we’re the socially retarded ones,” Jared piped up as they all laughed at my mild insult. I weakly stuck my tongue out at him before taking a seat on the armrest of the loveseat that Jared and Jessica were sharing. Kennedy returned into the living room and took his spot on the floor, against the couch that Garrett, Rachael, John and Hannah were all sitting upon. And when Pat returned, he would surely take his spot on the foot rest by the fireplace.

Conversation about a possible upcoming tour after summer rose. I watched as all the boys’ faces lit up at the thought. My eyes wandered to the couples on the couch. Rachael was leaning against Garrett and his arms were wrapped around her comfortably. Her fingers were brushing up and down along his arm as she listened and contributed to the discussion. But when I looked over and expected the same from the other couple, they were doing the exact opposite.

John and Hannah seemed a mile away from each other on the other side. Hannah was looking at her nails and playing with her hair; anything to distract herself, it seemed. She was looking at anyone but me, avoiding eye contact though I was definitely staring her down. John, in return, kept his hands on his legs and kept looking in my direction but quickly averting his gaze. I felt the sudden tension in the air; the tension that had been there all this time, but I had just taken note of.

I slid off the armrest and excused myself to get a beverage from the kitchen. Mostly I just wanted to escape the awkward situation in the living room. Instead of going to the fridge, I leaned against the kitchen counter. The fact that Hannah wasn’t trying to talk to me and John wasn’t acting normal made me feel like this new wave of strain on the vibe was my fault. I couldn’t tell if maybe it was because of what I had said at Jared’s before running off. It didn’t seem like something Hannah and John would have eluded to after I was gone and nobody else would have cared enough to hold a grudge.

I hadn’t noticed, but I was glaring at my shoes while I tried to sort this out. A loud cough tore me out of my intensity and I looked up to see John leaning the wall that separated the living room from the kitchen. He was wearing a light smirk and his arms were crossed; he had obviously been watching me for a while.

“Forget where the refrigerator was, Karma?” He mused as he picked himself and walked over to the tall silver fridge. I rolled my eyes at the back of his head as he disappeared into the kitchen appliance. He grabbed a water bottle and a beer before closing the door and tossing the bottle of water to me. I managed to actually catch it even though I was transfixed on him.

“Thanks,” I mumbled looking down at the Kirkland logo on the paper wrapped around the plastic.

“Yeah, anytime,” He replied. I expected him to return to his girlfriend but as I began picking the paper off, looking down towards the wood floors, I saw his black tie up vans still standing in front of me. I looked up to see his green eyes just watching me. I shot him a look as he smiled a slight menacing smile, his straight, white teeth showing, “Something wrong? You look conflicted.”

“I don’t know,” I blurted out, my brow furrowing. John’s facial expression changed from cheerful to confusion in a matter of moments. I sighed as I looked at the water bottle. I had already started my dreadful question, so I mumbled the rest, “You tell me. Is Hannah mad at me?”

I glanced up from underneath my bangs to see John’s uncomfortable shift. He took a big intake of air as he rubbed the back of his neck uneasily. I watched as he struggled to find an answer for me, pretty much confirming my negative thoughts. Finally, he shrugged, “Not so much at you, as she is at me, I guess.”

“Why?” I asked, my voice suddenly sounding more confident. I looked up to see him rubbing his face with thought. I knew this new wave of self-assurance was just my curiosity at its best, but I figured I’d use it while I had it. John obviously was caught off-guard and couldn’t find the right words to please both me and Hannah; by sharing enough information to keep me satisfied and not share too much of his and Hannah’s relationship.

“I don’t – It’s a long story, Karma,” He tried, staring at me straight in the eye and shooting me pleading look. But I couldn’t just let it go; I needed to know why she was mad at me. I could tell John was merely sugar-coating his unclear answer.

“Well don’t you think I have the right to know? I mean, it seems to me that it’s my fault there’s a tense atmosphere out there and I don’t even know what I did,” I replied with immediately. I wasn’t going to let him go without a complete explanation. I watched him as he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“It’s not your fault,” He protested. I opened my mouth to disagree with him and explain where I was coming from but he cut me off, “But I’ll tell you what happened and why Hannah won’t acknowledge you.”

“That’s all I ask,” I muttered.

“So yesterday was mine and Hannah’s one year anniversary,” He shared. I felt myself widen my eyes and raise my eyebrows as I crossed my arms over my chest. He didn’t skip a beat though, just proceeded on, “And I was a little nervous for her. I mean, I was sure my family was going to like her. I just – I don’t know. Anniversaries to Hannah are a different story than what they are to you. Me and her – we had a small celebration for our first month, six month and ten month. I guess I should have been used to it then, but I wasn’t. Not with her coming to my house and meeting my parents.”

Listening to John tell me about his relationship with Hannah first hand was odd. I wasn’t sure that I was relaxed hearing details about it. But the fact that he was opening up so easily to me made things a little better for me. I felt like things hadn’t changed too much since we were together; that if we wanted to, this awkward wall that had been put up between us could be torn down instantly.

“It was an hour before the time of her arrival and I was sitting on my bed, thinking about our relationship – mine and yours. Nothing too drastic, just anniversaries and times we’ve celebrated for each other. And I remembered the gift you gave me for our one year; you know, the book of memories with a picture for each month adding up to a year? The beginning letter was what really came to me. I could hear you reading it to me, your voice laughing nervously at words and sentences you thought I wouldn’t approve of. I – I don’t know what part of me thought it was a good idea to go searching for it. But I found myself looking through the back of my closet for it. And to my surprise, it wasn’t there. It was actually underneath my bed for whatever reason. Anyway, I finally was able to flip through it. All your little thoughts and our personal moments and inside jokes that we didn’t share with anyone else really calmed me down,” John shared.

I was beginning to feel a little unrelieved with the story. I could feel myself fidgeting as I remembered all the things I wrote on those pieces of construction paper; the memories of all the happy and frustrating times we had gone through, things about John that I loved too much, how much I honestly cared for him – every secret that I didn’t have the guts to tell him in those twelve months finally came out in that booklet. My heart began racing and I spat out, “Okay, John, can you get to the point?”

He rolled his eyes before sighing and moving on, “To my relief, the dinner went fine. Everyone loved Hannah. After we cleaned up the table, Hannah and I went upstairs to my bedroom. I excused myself to the bathroom and left her on my bed. And when I returned, your book was lying across her lap. It was opened to what looked like our six month together.”

And that’s when the point became clear; Hannah had read the month, the memories of the most important and emotional month John and I had gone through. The month I lost my virginity to him, the month he told me he loved me, the month I was going through family issues, the month his band got signed and was getting ready for their first tour. I couldn’t even form words; I just stared at the boy in front of me.

“I didn’t know what to say to her. I watched her as she finished the two pages that you wrote. And when she looked up, I could see that she was crying. S-She asked me why this was laying on my bed. And I didn’t know what to tell her. Every excuse I had to offer sounded so wrong. So I just told her that I was nervous for the dinner and reading it made me feel a little better,” John’s words were rushed out into a mess of just mumbled sounds. I could barely make it out, but I didn’t care what he had to say at that point.

“Y-You let her read that?” My voice sounded so small in my ears. John shrugged a little as his eyes looked down at his feet. I couldn’t believe it. Hannah now knew more about mine and John’s relationship; more than she would have wanted to. I could understand why she was so bitter to me, so angry with John. “That passage – it – I can’t believe she knows. Why – It – All those memories, John, they weren’t only about you. They were my memories, my thoughts, my words to you. Nobody was supposed to read them.”

“I know. I’m so sorry, Karma. I forgot I had left it out and I – I couldn’t take it away from her. I was too shocked. I’m sorry,” He apologized, his eyes looking sincere. I knew he meant it, but I felt betrayed anyway. Personal problems and recollections I would have never shared with Hannah or even other guys in the group, Hannah know had knowledge of.

John and I managed to lock eyes in the moment of my despair. Those once comforting shades of green looked incomparable to what I once thought of them as. I was sure that in any other moment before this, if I had spent enough time looking into them, I could find my happy place again. But even though that sixth month marking of too many memoirs to count was passing through my head, he just seemed like a stranger.

A knock came from behind us. John and I immediately averted our eyes to the blonde girl standing sheepishly at the entrance of the kitchen. Her blue eyes stared ahead of me, to her boyfriend as she mumbled, “I don’t feel too great. I was hoping you could take me home.”

“Yeah, uh, no problem,” John stuttered, shoving his hands into his pockets. She nodded and for a moment, it was like I wasn’t even in the room. Only for a second, they hesitantly watched each other before Hannah moved her cold gaze to me. Her baby blues looked right at me and I felt like I was under a microscope. I could tell she was thinking of me in my sixth month prime with her boyfriend; she was comparing her six month with John to mine. I couldn’t handle it; I looked back down at my water bottle, picking away at the remaining glue.

And when I finally looked back up, it was actually a shock to me to find myself alone in Garrett’s kitchen.