Waiting for the Sunrise

The sun was setting over the black lake, streams of orange and pink light hit the warm sand between my feet. It was barely five o’clock on June fifth, the end of term approached steadily. The days seemed to pass alarmingly fast, bringing the end of my fifth year at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. There were too many things swimming around in my head right now to be upstairs in the Gryffindor common room, celebrating the end of exams with the rest of my house. Too much had happened too fast.

Maybe I should tell you exactly how I ended up with my feet buried in the warm sand, alone on a warm summer night instead of with my friends, carefree and having fun. It started when I, Madeline Elizabeth Rayer transferred to Hogwarts in my second year from Bauxbatons Academy. I was sorted into Gryffindor by an old, talking hat in the Headmaster’s office instead of in front of the entire school, and was sent off to the feast. I sat by a group pf other second year girls, not really talking to them much, only enough to be polite. When the first day’s lesson came the next day, I found my way to the dungeons for Potions class. I was excited, I was fairly well at potions and I thought that at least the first lesson was bound to be successful.

It turns out I did something quite extraordinary at Hogwarts, I knew an answer that Hermione Granger didn’t. Needless to say, Hermione pulled me aside after class and demanded that we studied together from now on, because I was the only one who could actually challenged her in our year. We had all the same classes, so I agreed. History was made that day. I become best friends with Hermione Granger and as a result of that friendship, I also became exceedingly close to Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley.

In the summer after our third year, I spent two weeks at the Burrow with the Weasleys. Sometime during those two weeks, between playing Quidditch in the apple orchard and midnight swims in the lake, I developed a crush on Ron. I keep it to myself, not wanting to ruin any of the friendships that I cherished more than anything. When I was going to tell Hermione, because it felt wrong to keep it from her, she confessed she was in love with him, and that she had been since second year. I lost my courage and couldn’t tell her about my minuscule crush, I did it in hopes that if I didn’t think about it, it would disappear.

It didn’t. Two years later and I finally came to terms with everything, it took all of my dreams coming true to realize that they were all so far out of my reach in the first place, unattainable. Last night, in the Gryffindor common room, Ron and I sat side by side on the large comfortable couch, while I helped him with his potions homework. I remember it vividly, the way his wild flame red hair shimmered with the dying glow of the fire, the way he pressed his tongue to his check in concentration, how his emerald eyes danced across the page, reading the notes I took in a tidy cursive.

“Why are you staring at me, Maddy?” Ron questioned self-consciously, glancing up from his paper.

“I-I wasn’t,” I stuttered quickly, looking down at the floor, the heat rising up to my face, painting it a dull crimson.

“You know, you were never able to lie to me, Madeline. Don’t know why you’re even trying now,” Ron muttered, bending down slightly so that he was looking me straight in the eyes.

I wanted to tell him, I could lie to him, but only when I had to. I lied to him for years about my secret affection, and if I couldn’t lie to him about something like that, then I wasn’t even sure where I’d be now.

“You’re beautiful when you blush, Maddy,” He whispered, his voice barely audible above the frantic beating in my chest and the cackle of the fire as embers popped onto the stone floor.

“W-what?” I stammered, peering up at Ron in astonishment, positive that I needed to have my hearing checked as soon as possible. There was no way Ron just said that about me.

I wasn’t his type at all, hardly beautiful. My blonde hair hung too limply around my shoulders, refusing to be styled. My face was too pale despite the many hours I spent on my broom stick for Quidditch practice. My nose was slightly too large, my lips just a bit too unbalanced. I was too thin, with hardly enough curves in the places that counted. I was average, and Ron deserved extraordinary.

“Isaidyouarereallybeautiful” Ron mumbled, his sentence all coming out as one word, he was nervous now, that much was obvious.

“What?” I asked confused, not being able to understand a single word of the jumbled mess.

“Don’t make me say it again,” Ron breathed, successfully dropping the piece of parchment on his lap, containing the little work he did on his potions assignment. I noticed then, just how close we were. So close, in fact, I could feel the warmth radiating from his body.

“But I didn’t--”I never had a chance to finish my sentence though because suddenly Ron’s lips crashed into mine. For a second, I sat stunned, but after the immediate shock wore off and I figured he’d stop if I didn’t kiss him back soon, I laced my fingers in his hair and pulled him closer. Taking the hint, Ron’s hands wrapped around my waist to rest on either hip, bringing me closer to him still. My lips worked eagerly on his, hungry and almost desperate. I’ve dreamed this scene for what seems like forever, but none of them compared to this. Everything was so perfect I almost considered pinching myself to make sure it was real and that I wasn’t dreaming this yet again.

When the kiss ended, several minutes later, not a word was said. Ron and I just stared at each other, both surprised about what had just happened. “R-right, well, um, we should, uh, get to bed,” I rushed out, heat flushing my face as I hurriedly scrambled to my feet, collecting my potions assignment before dashing up the stairs, sending a fleeting smile over my shoulder before I disappeared into my dorm.

When I woke up today, two hours too early, I did my very best to avoid Ron and Hermione at all costs. Everything that seemed so perfect last night seemed less and less perfect every hour. I loved Ron, that much I had finally admitted to myself, and that wasn’t just going to fade away because I wanted it to. Neither was the feeling of guilt in my stomach whenever I think about him when Hermione’s around. She’s my best friend, and she’s loved him longer than I have. That should be enough to make my feelings die, but it doesn’t. That kiss Ron and I shared last night, as magical as it had been could never happen again, I decided as I skipped breakfast that morning, my stomach in knots.

After about two hours of sitting in the girl’s bathroom on the second floor, telling Myrtle all about my situation. Nobody gave Myrtle any credit, if you gave her a chance she was actually pretty good company. But after that, I decided that I should get to Defense Against The Dark Arts class, skipping one lesson was enough. D.A.D.A was almost unbearable, I sat next to Hermione like usual, Ron and Harry directly across from us. Ron kept shooting me questioning looks, and Hermione wouldn’t stop asking me why I had ditched Charms that morning. I kept silent, shrugging whenever she asked and made up some lame excuse about feeling nauseated.

After and excruciating long day, carefully dodging around any situation which would leave Ron and I alone where we would have no choice but discuss what happened, it was finally time for dinner. That hollow sickening feeling in my stomach returned and I decided once again to skip a meal and walk instead. Maybe if I wandered the grounds of Hogwarts a solution to all my problems would appear out of thin air. However, when I settled down in the sand by the Black lake, I heard approaching footsteps. His red hair shone brightly in the summer sun and his eyes squinted from the glare, but Ron wasn’t any less beautiful then normal. Not even when he sat down next to me and sighed, both of us knew that this wasn’t going o be easy.

“Why have you been ignoring me, Maddy?” Ron asked flat out, most likely getting tired of the tension-filled silence that filled the air around us.

“Because…what we did last night was wrong, Ron,” I inhaled deeply, knowing the words that would come out of my lips next would almost be painful to speak, “We can’t ever do it again,”

“Why not? You seemed to be enjoying it last night!” Ron exclaimed hotly, glaring at me slightly.

I refused to meet his eyes when I mumbled out the next statement, as firmly as I could manage. “That…was last night, Ron. I--we--were just caught up in the moment. It didn’t mean anything,” I was lying, flat out and to his face, that alone ripped a tiny hole in my chest. How could I even say those horrible words? Last night meant EVERYTHING to me, everything, and yet I was claiming it meant nothing. I felt sick again, and so small.

“It did mean something. I--I like you, Maddy. Why is that wrong?” Ron whispered, his glare disappearing a pained expression woven on his face so deeply that I almost crumbled and did everything I convinced myself could never happen.

“Ron, I--I” I sputtered, not able to find the right words. The truth seemed so tempting right now, I know the words would flow so smoothly from my lips. But how could I tell him all the things I feel? How could I say all that and then just deny him--and myself--everything? But, then again, how could yet another lie fix anything?

“Just tell me the truth, Madeline Rayer. I don’t want to be lied to anymore. Tell me everything, I deserve to know,” Ron demanded, peering down at me with such intensity I finally caved. The words poured from my mouth effortlessly, a thousand percent true, and a hundred percent helpless.

“Because I LOVE you, Ronald Weasley. I’ve been in love with you since that summer before our fourth year. I love everything about you, every last thing. I love the way your hair is such an obnoxious shade of red. I love every single freckle on your face. I love the way you smile at me when no one is looking, when you give me a little wave in class when our eyes meet. I love how you can eat forever and never be full. I love the way you obsess about Quidditch. I think it’s cute that you’re so terrified of spiders. I love how brave you are and how loyal and friendly. I love how you’re ears turn scarlet whenever you are extremely embarrassed or angry. I love how protective you are over Hermione and me. I love the exact shade of jade your eyes are. I could stare at them for hours and never get tired of looking at them. I love how you stick your tongue to your cheek when you’re concentrating really hard. I love how stubborn you area and how you don’t care about school as much as you should. I even love how you’re slightly jealous that Harry and your brothers always get more attention than you, but in the end you don’t care. I could go on for hours, Ron. Talking about how perfect you are to me, but it wouldn’t mean anything,”

I finally inhaled, my mouth dry and sore from talking so much. But nothing compared to the feeling that had rose in my chest. I felt alive, I had finally admitted my feelings to Ron and I was terribly afraid of what would replace this wonderful feeling when I told him the last part of everything.
Maddy,” Ron begged, taking my hands in his. He stroked the back of my hand with his thumb, knowing how much I loved it.

“Because, someone else very close to me loves you just as much--or even more--than I do. You’re supposed to be with her, Ron. You’re meant to be with her, not me. I was just an extra factor thrown in here to make the plot a bit more interesting, but I was never supposed to fall in love with you. And You were never supposed to love me back as anything more than a best friend. You’re meant to be with Hermione Granger. I know you already like her Ron, it’s pretty obvious and I know she loves you, too. I won’t come between you two because it’s destiny that you two get married and have a dozen ginger kids together. I’ll be there, but only as a best friend. I’ll be the Maid of Honor at your wedding, and marry some other side characters that was thrown in here just to add spice to the story. I’ll get married and be happy, we’ll come over to your house on the holidays and I’ll spoil your kids. That’s how it was always supposed to be Ron, surely, you can see that,”

He shook his head solemnly, seeing the truth in my words. “I know, Maddy. But I’ll always love you. Just remember that when you get married to Dean Thomas or whoever, I’ll be your best man,” Ron stated, still looking down at me with a slightly pained expression.

We both knew that there was nothing to do about it, Ron and I were never meant for each other. We should have never happened, but it did anyway. We loved each other, but we knew that deep down inside it would never work out. We were both set in different paths, but at one point they intertwined so tightly it seemed right.

“Of course,” I replied with a faint smile I forced onto my lips, I knew that this would be painful but I never imagined how much it would hollow me out as Ron hugged me tightly, inhaling my scent one last time before standing up awkwardly and heading back to the Great Hall.

And even though the pain was definitely the most prominent feeling in my body, little holes being poked through my skin with a branding iron, I could still feel the way things seemed to fall into place. I was finally being set back on track, back to where I was destined to be. One day, the pain would subside and I would met up with someone that I know would be the one, whether I already knew them or not. I would get married with Ron as the best man, I would have a few children and raise them with love. I would finally be happy, I was sure of it all.

Even if I couldn’t see it now, there would be a sunrise somewhere in my future opening me back up into the world, as a counterpart to the sunset in front of me, successfully ending one part of my life. Until then, I’ll continue burring myself deep into the warm sand, forgetting about the magnificent orange sun that’s leaving my life, and wait for a new one to emerge, bringing me back to life.