Great Expectations

"I love with my heart and I hold it in my hands, but you know, my heart's not yours." - Noah & the Whale

I stood in front of my mirror, staring at my reflection. Hunter would be at my house within ten minutes – he was always punctual – to pick me up for a date my mother had arranged. I hated the fact that she planned my life, yet I wasn’t brave enough to stand up to her. I wasn’t brave enough to climb out the window and drive to Dean’s, or even to ditch Hunter and go to Poppy’s.

My mother was a tyrant and I was under her rule, too weak to stand up to her and too afraid to tell her what I really wanted. I was her pretty little daughter, her obedient girl, the one who would always please her as long as I lived up to her expectations.

As I watched my reflection, I noticed my eyes were empty and expressionless. I had become too good at hiding everything from the world. There were two people who could pull me out of my shell; one was my best friend and one was supposed to be my enemy. Neither of them was there with me as I walked down the stairs to meet Hunter, my black dress clinging to my legs. I didn’t bother to tell my parents as I walked out the front door and got into his car – I was battling the urge to scream, or maybe to cry, I wasn’t sure.

“You look nice,” Hunter said quietly, driving away in his inconspicuous silver car.

“Thank you,” I responded, forcing my voice out of my throat. I was never this dramatic about anything, yet for some reason tonight felt different. Tonight felt more serious, as though everything was gaining momentum and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Suddenly, Hunter pulled the car to a stop. I hadn’t even noticed that we had arrived at a small Italian restaurant in town, or that he had just tossed his keys to a valet and was leading me inside. We sat down at a table, and all I could do was stare at the candle’s flame, which flickered enticingly.

“Are you okay?” He was leaning forward slightly, looking carefully at me from across the narrow circular table. “If you say you’re fine, I know you’re lying.”

Slowly I lifted my gaze from the vivid flame to Hunter’s green eyes. “If you know I’m not fine then why did you ask?”

“Because I want to know why you’re not fine.” We fell silent as the waiter came, took our orders, and left. Hunter never took his eyes off me. “Do you remember when we were little and we used to be best friends? You would come over my house every day, and we’d watch Pokémon all day.” He shook his head, a slight smile coming across his face. “I gave you that plastic ring in the third grade, we went to all the junior high dances together… What happened Jewels?”

Jewels. I hated that nickname when he said it that instant, but I knew I used to love it. I used to love everything about him – his green eyes and soft blond hair; his bright smile and tanned skin. I used to love him so much when my mother wasn’t forcing me to love him. Somehow, it had become so much more difficult when my mother started pushing us together. I realized I didn’t like Hunter as much as I thought I did. I realized there had to be someone else out there for me, and then somehow, there was.

“Dean,” I whispered, my eyes attracted once more to the flame at the center of the table. I raised my voice slightly and said, “Life happened, my mother happened, high school happened. Ever since we were little, probably before we were even born, our parents decided we would be together. Homecoming Court, Prom King and Queen, this stupid cotillion thing - ”

“Wait,” Hunter said, resting his hands on mine. “About the cotillion thing, you do know we’re going together, right?”

I sighed. “Of course. Who else would I go with?” The lack of my opinion in the matter was getting ridiculous. My mother was running my entire life and I didn’t have any control at all.

“Dean,” Hunter said. Like a magnet, my eyes flew from the candle’s flame to his face. He was looking at me, his eyes full of complete understanding. “I’ve seen the way you look at him. I’m not going to tell you to stay away from him because he’s bad news.” Hunter shook his head and rested his chin in his hand. “I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I think he’s a pretty good guy. But there is no way I’m telling your mother that. You’ve gotta be the one to do that, Jewels.”

“I know,” I said. I completely ignored the plate of food that was placed in front of me; I couldn’t even remember ordering it. “I know I have to, but I can’t.”

“We’ve known each other our whole lives,” he said. “I’m not going to fight for you; I just want you to be happy. I hope you realize that.”

I nodded, feeling claustrophobic. “Can we get out of here?” I asked. “I’m sorry, but I can’t stay here. Let’s go to a park or something.”

Hunter nodded and left a pile of bills on the table, walking out of the restaurant and waiting on the sidewalk for his car to be brought around. “Is this what you wanted?” I asked. “To end up just like our parents, I mean. Stay in California, get married, have kids, raise them to be perfect reflections of ourselves and our social careers.”

“Not really,” he said. “Actually… my parents would flip if I told them this, but I want to join the Peace Corps.”

A small smile crossed my face. “Just like Poppy,” I said.

“Yeah,” Hunter said, his face lighting up. “Like Poppy.” He turned onto the same highway along the ocean that Dean had taken me once, on his motorcycle, weeks ago. “I want to make a difference in people’s lives. I don’t want to sit here and spend my inheritance on stuff that doesn’t mean anything.”

“So why do you put up with this?” I asked as we stopped by the ocean, silver in the light of the moon.

“Because I have to,” he said. “I feel like I need to make my parents happy. We need to make our parents happy.”

“Shouldn’t we make ourselves happy, too?” I asked, watching the waves crash on the beach.

He shrugged. “I guess we should, but our parents gave us everything we have. We need to pay them back somehow.”

Silence fell between us as I thought about his words. He was right – we did need to make our parents happy, but we couldn’t possibly devote everything we do to pleasing them. Somehow, I thought, we would lose ourselves in that process and worry more about pleasing other people than about making ourselves happy. Yet somehow it didn’t matter, because I knew Hunter and I would both become the people our parents wanted us to be, because we had no say in the matter. That was our future, and it was etched in stone.