Great Expectations

“I’m beginning to think I imagined you all along” – Arctic Monkeys

A few months ago, I would have given anything to be in my current situation. I would have loved to be enjoying the blissful silence in physics that morning, and in English after that, and in the hallways between classes. A few months ago, I would have loved to be eating lunch with Poppy, talking about the Fall Ball and different people in our class and going shopping on the weekend. I would have been obeying my parents, and I would have been happy.

But today, I would give anything so that Dean would be sitting next to me, making me laugh. He was sitting with a bunch of people I didn’t know he knew, and he didn’t look at me at all. I only knew this because I couldn’t stop looking at him.

What bothered me the most was not that Dean wasn’t talking to me – it was that it didn’t bother him at all. He was smiling, laughing, and talking as though nothing had gone on yesterday. He acted was as though I had never entered his life; as though I didn’t matter to him at all.

I sat at a table in the cafeteria, my notebook folded tightly in my grasp. I was staring ahead, but I couldn’t see anything. All I could think of was Dean, and I couldn’t stand it. I wanted to be able to think about other things, to laugh and smile and talk normally, but somehow, I couldn’t force myself to do any of that. So, I sat there, staring angrily across the cafeteria, looking like an idiot.

“You’ve got to stop that,” Poppy said, sitting down next to me with a tray of food. “You look insane. Or disturbed. Or something – it’s not pretty.” She followed my gaze across the room to Dean, stood up, and sat down directly across from me. I was now staring directly into Poppy’s face. “Don’t look around me,” she said. “Don’t do it. Don’t even think about it.”

“He’s acting like I don’t exist,” I said. “Like I never even mattered to him. Like nothing happened at all.”

“He’s being stupid,” Poppy replied, eating her lunch. “He wants you to feel miserable, otherwise he’d still be talking to you. If I had better aim, I’d throw something at him and get his attention – force him to notice you. But, knowing me, I’d miss completely and hit Charity.” She paused, smiled. “Actually, that wouldn’t be that bad. Let me try.”

Poppy tugged the notebook out of my hands and turned around quickly, her brown hair flying. Unaware, I stared blankly ahead for a few seconds before realizing what she was about to do. I lunged across the table and barely wrapped my hands around the notebook, pulling it away from my best friend. “You can’t turn my physics notes into a projectile,” I told her, smoothing out the pages that had become wrinkled.

She shrugged. “It was worth a shot.”

I shook my head. Poppy’s idea of throwing something across the cafeteria made me remember the conversation I’d had the day before. “Charity’s having a party on Saturday,” I said. “Halloween. It’s a costume party – ”

“No,” Poppy said, folding her arms stubbornly. “I’m not going. I know exactly what she’s trying to do. She’s going to make us dress up and no one else will and we’ll look like idiots.”

“She told me that’s not what she’s doing,” I replied. “I don’t think she’d do that.”

“Yes, she would,” Poppy said. Her statement would have been true if I hadn’t promised to get Hunter to go on a date with Charity – something I did not mention to Poppy.

Dean walked past, drawing my gaze instantly. I couldn’t tell if Poppy was still talking or not. I watched stupidly, unable to look away. He still didn’t notice me – not even a passing glance. I wanted to disappear, become invisible, like he was acting I was. I sighed heavily, causing Poppy to slam her open palm on the table.

“Stop it,” she said. “You can’t sit here and sigh and stare at him with hurt puppy dog eyes. A year ago, that’s all you would have done, but you’re different. Dean changed you – for the better. You could sit here and stare at him and wait for him to come running back to you – he won’t, by the way – or you could get up and go talk to him. Go after him, instead of letting him come to you.”

I blinked, surprised by her outburst. “You’re right,” I agreed. “I need to talk to him.” Poppy smiled and leaned back, expecting me to get up that second and follow him back to his table. “Later.” I slouched down in my seat and rested my chin in my hand. This kind of thing required some planning. I was not going to fail; I was going to do whatever it took to win Dean back. At least, I hoped.