If I Let This Go

It’s been about two months since my last visit at the prison. The time before that, it had been only two weeks. It seems as if Ronnie and I have grown apart entirely. All the visits consisted of was his cocky outlook of this entire situation, and his lack of interest in what I had to say. Being in jail has made Ronnie just as bad as he had been before we began dating.

And yet, I still love him.

Now that I was done with college and everything, I had a lot of spare time on my hands. I spent most of it thinking about him. “Hey Megan,” Max said popping his head in my doorframe, “we’re going house hunting, do you wanna tag along?”

Now that the band was gaining a huge amount of success from the news of Ronnie’s imprisonment, money was coming in much faster. There were on average about 6-7 people living in a house intended for three people, four at most. It was time to move.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll go. I’ve honestly got nothing better to do,” I shrugged, getting up out of the half empty bed and following him out the door.

Max and Robert took the front seat. Craig and I took the middle row. Bryan took the back seat. We were cruising around in a lovely eggplant-colored Chrysler mini-van, because unlike every other celebrity, we didn’t drive a large black SUV.

I stared out the window as the scenery passed by. Craig poked me, making me jump a little. “Is everything alright?” he asked, his face turning serious after just seconds ago he had been smiling.

I gave a small fake laugh and avoided eye contact. “Of course, everything’s…great. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know, something just seems different about you. You don’t laugh or smile as much as you used to.”

“Don’t be silly, Craig. I’m totally still myself,” I said, as surely as possible.

He shrugged, “Alright, but it looks to me like you might have something to say to Ronnie, since I’m guess that’s what this is about. I’d go visit him if I were you…”

You know it must’ve gotten pretty bad if Craig is telling me to go see Ronnie.

“Maybe you’re right. I’ll go see him tomorrow.”

There weren’t exactly several prime areas of real estate in the area, which made the search very short. Max was sold on a two-story house with a pool in the backyard. I think it’s just because he thought the real estate agent was hot, but hey they house really was pretty nice.

And just like that it was ours. Granted, we couldn’t move in until the previous owners moved out, but at least we knew it was ours. I’ve always only lived in 2 houses my entire life, so this could prove to be a rather interesting experience.

Craig was definitely right about one thing. I wasn’t myself – and it was because of Ronnie. I miss him greatly, but I feel like having to leave his cell to come see me almost annoys him, like I’m putting some kind of horrible task ahead of him to get out of his cell and say hi.

I hate myself for caring so much about his opinion of me, but I just can’t help it. I feel like some curse has been placed upon me, causing me to be hopelessly attracted to him no matter what he says or does.

Around lunchtime, I forced myself up out of bed and got dressed to go see Ronnie. After not seeing him for what felt like such a long time, it felt strange going to see him. I was nervous. What was I going to say to him? Would we both just sit there silently? Would he ignore me entirely?

That last question was the one that hurt me the most, probably because it’s possible. I mean, I haven’t given him the time of day for so long, he’ll probably be pissed. Memories of what Ronnie did to Liza, him firing the gun, despite the fact that he didn’t have a clear shot. He could’ve shot me, and he knew that all too well.

I’d never really seen that much of a violent side to Ronnie, but then again I also just recently found out about his druggie days, and I’m sure he fought quite a bit too. There was a whole side to Ronnie that I didn’t know…that I didn’t want to know.

My hands remained attached the wheel, the car parked in the lot, and my eyes stared at the white walls of the prison. I just couldn’t bring myself to go inside, to come face-to-face with Ronnie. I just couldn’t do it. Shamefully, I turned the car around and went back home.

*Ronnie’s POV*

It’s funny how when you’ve spent so much time alone, you really get to think about things and get to know yourself. There were so many things that I wish I could’ve done differently…so many people I wish I could’ve avenged, and made pay for.

Megan was on my mind a lot more than I’d expected. Ever since that one time I offered to escort her back to some secret place I found, she hasn’t visited. Now I didn’t really see her as a hopeless pathetic dork, but as a malevolent bitch. How could she turn her back on me and leave me here alone? She’s probably too busy having her fun time with Craig.

He’s another person I had been thinking about. If he would’ve just stayed on tour with his little band and out of our lives, none of this would’ve happened. I wouldn’t of had to stopped mid-run to save him from those thugs in the parking lot. He wouldn’t have complicated things with Megan and I.

But the day that she does come back, whether she wants to or not, we’ll be having a good old time.

*Normal POV*

“Back already?” Bryan asked, glancing up from a magazine. I leaned up against the door and frowned.

“I couldn’t bring myself to go in there. It’s been too long since I’ve last seen him…”

“You know, the further you push it off, the harder it will become.”

I sighed, “I know you’re sure as hell right about that. But what am I supposed to do?”

“Call him on the phone or something. Let him know you’re coming. If he doesn’t want you there, he’ll tell you. I mean, hello it is Ronnie we’re talking about here.”

“Good idea. Thanks, Bry!” I shouted, running toward my room, ready to give Ronnie a call.

“Las Vegas County Prison, how can I help you?” a female voice asked on the other line of the phone.

“Yes, can I please speak to Ronnie Radke?”

“I NEED RADKE!” she yelled in the background. “Please hold,” she said as some elevator-like music began playing.

“Hello?” Ronnie asked lazily into the phone moments later.

“Ronnie! It’s Megan,” I said in an all too happy voice. Damn, now he’s going to think that I’ve desperately missed him.

“Oh hi there. Did you finally stop fucking Craig to give me the time of day?”

“What are you talking about? I’ve just been…thinking a lot, Ronnie. Trying to organize my life, I guess you could say,” I said, feeling a little taken aback.

“I’m sure that’s the case. Well, will I ever get to see you again or are you too ashamed to be seen in such a horrible place with me?”

“That’s not it. I – I have just been a little scared…”

He laughed, “What the hell do you have to be afraid of?!”

Him laughing so cruelly at me made it that much worse. “I can’t explain it,” I answered simply, not sharing his humor.

“Megan, listen to me. If you give a shit about me at all you better come see me tomorrow,” he said, his voice suddenly changing. He wasn’t joking around; he meant that.

“Uhh alright, Ronnie, I’ll be there tomorrow.”

“Good. Have a good night,” he said before hanging up the phone.

Looks like I’ll have no choice but to see him. Only problem is…I still can’t bring myself to go back there.