Remember December

December. Arguably my favorite month of the year. Even though it makes it freezing here in Connecticut. There is just something about the snow, swirling around, as if it is dancing in the air. A lot of the time it looks like some flakes stay in the air, never going to land and then they find somewhere to nestle, creating a blanket on the earth. So beautiful, so cold… so still. Everything good in my life happened in December. Meeting John, the night John proposed, our wedding, our son’s birth… everything.

I stood in front of the fireplace, a glass of wine in hand, and watched the hands on the clock move with each passing minute. The only sound besides the ticking of the clock was the crackling of the fire. The flames danced around, licking the edges of the stone fireplace, never escaping. A creak in the floorboard told me someone else was here and I turned around.

There he stood, watching me. The light from the fire illuminated his face which looked frozen in time. The same serious look from before was on it and his eyes were emotionless. This was not the John I remembered. This John was different, moody, dark and mysterious. The past year seemed to have changed him.

Some people said our love was impossible. He was hard core. Partying on weekends, passing out drunk, failing a class here and there. I was the studious one. At college I was the one in the dorm room on the weekends, working on next week’s assignments or just relaxing with a movie or a book. Completely content. It all changed December of our senior year of college.

I had left the room to get something form a vending machine downstairs. There he was, slumped against the wall in the hallway. Pale white, sweat beading on his forehead. I looked around but no one else was there so I walked over to him and tapped him on the shoulder. His eyes opened a little and he groaned.

I told him I was Amy and that he looked like he needed help. He told me he was John and that he was drunk off his ass. He had no idea how he wound up in my dorm building. With a little bit of a struggle I helped him up and into my room where I gave him water and some aspirin. I was up with him for a good part of the night as he got sick, putting cool wash cloths on his head and rubbing his back.

He stayed the night recuperating. The next morning when he woke up he saw me sleeping in my desk chair. Instead of just up and leaving he waited for me to wake up to thank me. I offered to buy him breakfast so we went to the diner in town and had breakfast and talked. We really connected. He asked for my number… in case he ever needed my help again. Our relationship strengthened. His partying became a minimal activity as his time with me increased. It was two months later when we became an official couple.

We got strange looks from everyone. The odd couple on campus; the bad boy with the good girl. None of our friends approved and we soon parted ways. No one understood but what was important was that we did. John and I did not mind. We knew why we were together and we knew we could handle it. He told me that no matter what his friends told him he was not going to change his mind. We were total opposites that fit so well together. Fire melts ice he would say. After graduation we moved in together. Two years later he asked me to marry him.

It has been three years since we got married. Here we stand; acting like strangers in our own house. Things had changed. When we kissed… it was not the same. I opened my eyes once when I noticed that the movement of his lips was different. His eyes were open and he was not even looking at me. He was looking at the wall or out the window. That one little action revealed everything. Our love seemed to have fizzled away. He had promised me forever but now… forever seemed so small.

I was about to say something when a cry crackled through the baby monitor. I looked at it and set my wine glass down. The staircase creaked as I walked up to where our son awaited. He was standing in his crib, tears sliding down his face. A few soothing words and a clean diaper and he was quiet again. I laid him in his crib and pushed his hair back on his head.

He reminded me of John. His hair was the same color. He was a little tyrant during the day. Crawling around and picking up everything and destroying a few others. However, he had a heart of gold, just like his father. He would coo and laugh when he recognized someone, especially John and I. I fondly remember the day he was born, last December. It was hard to believe that it was already a year ago. A tear slid down my face onto Andrew’s head and I crossed my arms, trying to hold myself together.

Turning around I was startled to see John standing there. He was watching me. A ghost of a smile was on his face as he watched me with our son. No matter what he was always going to love Andrew. Nothing could change that. I locked gaze with him, I could feel a lump rising in my throat. In that one moment, all my worries slipped away.

No words were spoken. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me, the tears sliding down my face now. He kissed the top of my head and he apologized over and over, continuously kissing my head, every inch of my face.

“Don’t surrender.” I whispered. “Remember December.”