I Know It's Hurting You, But It's Killing Me.

I woke up in the morning still in the clothes from the night before and Matt’s arm wrapped tightly around my waist. Yawning I rolled on to my back, earning a groan from Matt. I turned my head towards him and saw that he was still asleep. I reached my hand out and ran it through his short dark hair.
“Morning,” He said gruffly as he opened his eyes.
“Hi.” I replied.
“Sorry about last night.”
“It’s fine, but if you ever do that again…” I warned.
“I promise I won’t.” Matt said and leaned closer, kissing my forehead.
“Good.” I replied sitting up to lean against the wall.
“Why are your shorts all bloody?” He asked running his finger up my leg.
Now’s the perfect time, I thought. He asked. I can tell him. Who the hell am I kidding? I can’t tell him, but you have to. I argued with myself.
“Kal, you okay? I asked you a question.” Matt said snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Sorry, what was your question?” I asked.
“I asked you why there’s blood on your shorts.” Matt repeated moving his hand up to the fabric. I grabbed his hand before he could pull them up.
“I ran into the edge of the table.” I told him, keeping my hand on his.
“And you bled that much?” He replied, not looking like he believed me.
“I hit it pretty hard.” I told him.
“Let me see.”
“No, no, no,” I said panicking. “It’s fine.” Matt gave me a look.
“Just let me see it Rae,” He replied. “It can’t be that bad.”
“It’s not,” I told him. “That’s why you don’t need to look at it.”
“You are so stubborn.” Matt grumbled.
“You are too babe.” I said with a grin, leaning down to peck him on the lips.

“I was talking to Jimmy this morning when you were in the shower and he says that there’s something you want to tell me.” Matt told me as we were eating dinner in the kitchen.
“H-He did?” I questioned fixing my gaze on my plate nervously. Damn you Jimmy.
“Yeah, so is there anything?” He asked, I didn’t answer. Matt stood from his chair and knelt beside mine. He took my chin in his hand and forced me to look at him.
“Kali, what’s going on?” He asked, a concerned frown appearing on his gorgeous face.
“Nothing,” I managed to say, looking down. “I’m fine.”
“Then why are you acting like this?”
“I’m not feeling too great, that’s all.” I lied.
“Come on, let’s go lay down then.” Matt said pulling me to my feet.
Matt brought me into our room and I laid down on the bed. He pulled the covers over me and then leaned down to kiss me.
“I’m going to have a shower, alright? Yell if you need me.” He said before pressing his lips to mine.
“I will.” I replied kissing him back.
As soon as he was out of sight, I rolled on to my stomach and buried my face in the pillow. Jimmy is not going to be very pleased. I told myself as I began to cry. The heavy feeling was taking over my chest again, and I wanted nothing more then to just be numb. I didn’t know what to do; I was so confused and terrified. I knew that telling Matt would hurt him and I didn’t want to do that to him. But then if Jimmy tells him, it’ll be worse. I reasoned with myself. It would crush him if he found out through someone else, he’d think that it was because I couldn’t talk to him, trust him enough to tell him myself. Either way, I was going to hurt him, I knew that much.
What if he leaves me? I thought as I began to panic. Where would I go? I’d have nobody. I rolled over on to my side and curled into a ball as I stared at the wall, tears streaming down my face. Fuck why was I such a stupid moron?
I stood quickly from the bed and found a piece of paper and pen. I set it on Matt’s night table and began to write. Matt, I had to go out for a minute. I’ll be right back, promise. xo Kali. Hearing the shower shut off, I rushed from the room and out of the apartment.
Once I was a little ways from the apartment, I took out my cell phone and dialed Jimmy’s number.
“Hey Rae,” Jimmy answered on the third ring.
“Hey, want to come get me?” I asked sniffling.
“Where are you, what happened?”
“Sitting on a bench around the corner from our apartment and nothing happened. I just want to talk.” I told him.
“I’ll be there soon.” He replied and hung up on me.

“I can’t do it.” I told Jimmy as I got in the car. He sighed.
“Remember, we have a deal Kali.” He replied.
“Yes, I know,” I sighed. “I’m just too scared, it won’t come out.”
“Do you want me to be with you when you tell him?” Jimmy asked.
“I don’t want to tell him at all.” I replied.
“Rae you have to, he needs to know.”
“Why are you making me do this?” I asked quietly as tears threatened to fall.
“Because Kali I know and he doesn’t, that’s not right. You need help and if something ever happened, they’d point the finger at me because I knew and didn’t say anything. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.” He explained.
“It’s just hard.” I chocked out. “He’s going to hate me.”
“He isn’t going to hate you, yes he’ll be upset but trust me, and he’ll help you, be there for you.”
“Can you take me back now?” I whispered, we had been driving around aimlessly.
“Alright, but please tell him Kali. Trust me, you’ll feel better once you do.”

“Was that Jimmy?” Matt asked when I walked into the apartment.
“Yes, that was him.”
“Why were you with him?” He questioned looking suspicious.
“I needed to talk to him.” I replied.
“You couldn’t talk to me?”
“No, yes it’s just…” Matt cut me off.
“Is there something going on between the two of you?” He asked bluntly.
“What? No, of course not! Why the hell would you think that?” I exclaimed in disbelief.
“Well I don’t know, you both disappear into Zack’s house alone, and then you’re acting all nervous and shit. I get a call from Jimmy telling me there was something that you needed to tell me, but he couldn’t. Then, you leave when I’m in the shower and come back with him.” Matt ranted.
“No, Matt you’ve got it all wrong.” I told him.
“Do I?” He asked sarcastically.
“I would never do that to you, Jimmy’s like a brother to me.”
“Then care to enlighten me on what the fuck is going on?”
“It’s…hard for me to tell you.” I stammered, starting to shake from all the nerves.
“Rae, what’s wrong, what’s the matter?” Matt questioned going from pissed to concerned as he led me to the couch.
“Remember…remember the first time you picked me up for lunch?” I asked.
“Yeah,” He replied frowning. “We went to Taco Bell.”
“Remember I kept scratching my arm?”
“Yeah…” He said slowly. “Kali, I don’t understand.”
“Then we went to my house and there were all those bloody tissues on the floor of my bedroom?”
“I remember, but Kal what are you getting at?” Matt asked frowning.
“When I lock myself in the bathroom when I’m upset and don’t answer you?” I watched as his facial expression darkened and my eyes began to water.
“Take off your pants.” He told me, his voice void of emotion.
“Matt… I-I really don’t want to.” I replied my bottom lip trembling.
“Kali, take them off now.” Matt said firmly, his jaw clenched.
“I-I don’t want you to see.” I whimpered.
Matt stood and then roughly pulled me to my feet. I watched motionless as his hands started to unbutton my jeans. Panic was taking over my entire body, my muscles wouldn’t move and my heart was pounding against my ribcage, but my mind was screaming at me.
“Matt…please don’t.” I whispered, finally finding my voice as he pulled the zipper down. He ignored me and pushed my pants down.
I don’t think he was expecting what he saw, because when he looked at my thigh, he slumped down on the couch and leaned his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. I just stared at him, tears pouring down my face and after a couple minutes he looked up at me, tear stains down his own face.
“Why?” He asked his voice cracking. “Why would you do this?”
“It helps.” I replied quietly.
‘’How does it help?” Matt yelled, I jumped at his sudden change of voice. “How the hell does hurting yourself help anything?”
“It makes you forget about everything else, and it’s something that you have control of.” I explained.
“You obviously can’t control it Kali, cutting yourself doesn’t solve anything.” He said in a softer tone, pulling me on to his knee.
“I’m sorry.” I told him, staring at him.
“Promise me you’ll stop?” Matt pleaded cupping my face in his hands.
“I can’t promise you that.” I whispered breaking eye contact.
“Then at least promise me you’ll try.”
“I promise.” I replied burying my face in his neck.