I Know It's Hurting You, But It's Killing Me.

Suicide is said to be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but who says that that problem is temporary? What happens when it's something you live with every day, something that you can't help, a feeling that won't go away?
When I hear this, it makes me wonder, did the person who came up with this saying even know anything? Sure, some problems are temporary like a bad day a breakup or parents divorcing, but what if that problem was an addiction? The person who wrote this obviously didn't know the difference between a temporary problem and a permanent one.
I know what's going through all of your minds while you read this, her problem was with her parents, isn't that temporary? Yes, that is true. My temporary problem was with my dysfunctional parents, but that problem created my addiction. Cutting became my release for all those little problems I faced, not suicide. Some think that cutting is attempting suicide, it's not. I began to depend on it to help me and rely on it to take away my pain.
Ever since Matt had found out about my problem, he's been watching me like a hawk. He locked the razors in the drawer, the sharp knives and scissors away in the cupboard. He checks my leg everyday to make sure that I wasn't still harming myself and tried his best to help me when I did feel like cutting.
I was like a heavy smoker who had just decided to quit, itching just to give up and give in to the temptation. My body would begin to tremble and all I could think of was the release the blade would give me. Then I got mad, throwing things, hitting and yelling, and finally I would collapse on the bed and cry. Throughout these whole episodes, Matt would be next to me, talking me through the shaking, calmly letting me hit him and watch as I broke things. Then when I began to cry, he would hold me and tell me that everything was going to be all right.
Even though Matt helps me as much as he can, there are some things that he can't help. Yes, he makes me happy and I do have strong feelings for him, however I can't help the sadness and heavy hurting feeling in my chest that overcomes my body and mind.
No one knew about my addiction, no one other then Matt and Jimmy that is. I didn't want the others to find out, I didn't want them to start treating me like a porcelain doll. I got that enough from Matt. I didn't want the stares of pity, worry and disappointment I was sure to get if they knew.
Deep down I knew that things couldn't stay this way. I knew that something was going to happen and when it did, things weren't going to be pretty.

"What do you want to do tonight?" Matt asked as he came into the bedroom after his shower. I peeked at him over my book, my eyes scanning his toned wet chest.
"Lets watch a movie." I replied forcing my gaze back to the novel. I kept rereading the same line, but frowned finding it hard to get my mind away from Matt.
"Having a hard time concentrating Kali?" He questioned with a chuckle, leaning over me in his boxers and t-shirt.
"Hmm," I answered, keeping my eyes on the paper. Matt snatched the book from my hands and threw it on the bed beside us.
"Hello." He said grinning as he pressed his body against mine.
"Did you need something?" I asked, having a difficult time keeping my composure as Matt put pressure on my lower region with his hips.
"No, but I think you might." He replied with a smirk.
"Oh shut up." I grumbled pulling his face to mine. Matt laughed before pressing his lips to mine.
Slowly Matt's hand travelled down my body, across my thigh and then between them. My body tensed as I felt the pressure of his fingers through my sweatpants.
"Relax," he said softly kissing me briefly. "We're just taking it slow."
I let my body relax under Matt's weight and gasped when he began rubbing circles over my sensitive area, he chuckled at me. A tingling ache began to form in the pit of my stomach and I groaned when his hand lost contact with me.
"Can I?" Matt asked, looking at me as his hands took hold of the waistband on my pants. I began to feel nervous and tensed again, my face turning red. Matt sighed.
"Let's go watch a movie then." He said moving off of me, after lightly kissing my lips.
"Sorry," I replied closing my eyes as I pushed my head back into the pillow.
"Don't worry about it Rae." Matt said standing from the bed and gathering the blanket up in his arms.
"You coming?" He asked as I slowly opened my eyes, Matt was standing at the doorway, a questioning look on his face.
"Yep, I'll be there in a minute." I replied.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine, just need to compose myself." I told him, causing him to laugh.
"I'll be in the living room." Matt replied and left me alone.
"Get over yourself Rae." I grumbled to myself hitting the bed.
After a couple minutes, I stood from the bed and walked into the living room. Matt was sitting in the middle oh the couch with the blankets piled up on his lap and the remote in his hand. He glanced backwards when he heard me come in and a sly smirk appeared on his face.
"Oh shut it." I grumbled not being able to help the little smile that crossed my face as I walked around the couch and plopped down on his knee, sitting on top of the blankets.
"You know, there is a whole other section of the couch that you can sit on." Matt teased. I got off his knee and attempted to move over, but Matt's arms wrapped themselves around my waist and pulled me back on to his lap, placing the blanket over the both of us.
"You know, there's a whole other half of the couch I can sit on." I mocked.
"So, doesn't mean that I want you to sit on the couch." He replied.
"What are we watching?" I asked cuddling into his chest.
"Orphan." Matt answered making me groan.
"You aren't serious, are you?"
"Yes, I am, this way we can cuddle." He told me.
"If I didn't know any better I'd think you were gay." I replied and he chuckled.
"You know very well that I'm not gay." Matt whispered in my ear before softly biting my neck.
"D-Don't do that." I shivered.
"Whatever you want babe." He replied pressing the play button on the remote.

We only got halfway through the movie before I was turned around straddling Matt with my face buried in his neck. The smell of his cologne and the feel of his body was starting to get to me and I began shifting my weight around in his lap. Matt's hands shot up to my waist and held me still.
"Stop," he said and let his hands fall on to my ass.
I began trailing kisses up his neck towards his ear and slip my hands under his shirt, feeling his toned smooth stomach. Matt groaned and pulled me away so that I was sitting on the edge of his knees.
"What are you doing?" He asked his husky voice dropping a tone.
"What does it look like?" I replied with a grin trying to get back on to his lap.
"Are you sure?" Matt questioned an uncertain frown crossing his features as he held me in place.
"Would I be doing this if I wasn't sure?"
"You like to tease," Matt said pulling me close and running his hands up the back of my shirt. "You've done it before."
"Can we just shut up?" I asked wrapping my arms around his neck.
Matt kissed me before shutting the TV off and standing from the couch. Not wanting to be dropped, I wrapped my legs around his waist feeling his slightly hard dick through his boxers and my pants. I held on tightly as he carried me down the hall of the apartment and into our bedroom. Matt laid me down gently on the bed and stood. I frowned up at him, confused to what he was doing.
"Just a minute," he said as he walked to the door and left our room.
I leaned up on my elbows with a frown, wondering where he was going and then rolled over closer to Matt's nightstand. Turning on the stereo, I rolled on to my back, my head on the pillow and stared at the ceiling, my heart pounding. What am I getting myself in to? I mean, Matt is damn sexy and yes I want to experience things with him, but I wasn't ready for sex. I wanted to wait until I knew that he was the one, I didn't want to give him my virginity and then two months later be dumped.
"I just had to lock the door so that we wouldn't be interrupted." Matt said as he entered the room with the blanket in his arms and closed the door behind him.
"O-Okay," I replied nervously, shifting around as he turned off the light and came towards the bed in the dim room.
"Do you want me to turn the lamp on?" Matt asked.
"N-No," I stuttered as I felt the bed dip and his body suddenly on top of mine.
"Don't be so nervous Rae," he told me gently, rubbing my sides. "We're gonna take things slow, really slow."
"Feel my heart." I said taking his hand and placing it on the left side of my chest.
"It's beating really fast." Matt chuckled before sliding his hand down my stomach as he pressed his lips to mine.
I tugged at his t-shirt as we kissed, wanting it off so that I could feel his muscly tattooed chest. Matt pulled away from me leaning up on his knees and I watched as he took his shirt off and tossed it to the floor. Running his hands up my legs, Matt took a hold of the bottom of my shirt and lifted it up. I pulled it over my head and it was also tossed to the ground. Matt groaned laying his chest against mine and attached our lips, his hands wandering up my sides.
"That tickles." I mumbled against his lips, squirming as his fingers danced across my skin.
Matt chuckled as he brought his hands behind my back and unsnapped my bra. He tugged it off my shoulders and slowly down my arms, before adding it to the growing pile on the floor. Matt's lips trailed down my jaw and neck, leaving wet spots on my hot skin making me shiver. His lips ended their journey at my collarbone and I gasped in surprise when they captured my nipple and he began to suck and nip at it. Matt smirked against my skin as I arched my back and moaned when his hand found my other breast and he began to massage it. I groaned when his mouth left my skin and his hand was replaced as he started to trail more kisses down my stomach and over my belly button, stopping at the waistband of my sweats.
"Can I take them off?" Matt asked quietly his hands on my hips. I just nodded, my breathing heavy and fast as my body temperature rose.
I raised my hips for Matt so that he could pull my pants down and came in contact with "Matt". I gasped in surprise at how big his boner felt and Matt groaned, his eyelids fluttering shut for a moment as he jerked his hips into mine again. Regaining a bit of control, he tugged my sweatpants down my legs and I wiggled out of them.
Matt smiled down at me as I ran my hands up his bare chest, then I pulled him closer by his shoulders and he brought his lips back to mine. Slowly he lowered his hips to mine and then thrusted against them. Shocked at the waves of pleasure that ran up my entire body and the increasing ache in the pit of my stomach, I arched my back and my mouth fell open in a moan.
"Did you like that?" Matt asked lowly kissing my ear as he chuckled and repeated his earlier action.
My whole body was shaking from this foreign kind of pleasure as Matt slowly ran his hands lightly down my body and one was placed on my hips while the other pushed it's way under my panties. I squirmed under his weight at the slight discomfort and shyness that I felt, which was completely forgotten when Matt ran his finger down my hot slit.
"You're so fucking wet." He groaned as I turned into a shaken mess beneath him as he began to finger me.
"Just-just take them t-them off." I panted and Matt chuckled again. I didn't know what he found so amusing about this…
Matt watched my face as he hooked his fingers in the sides of my underwear and began taking them off as slowly as he could, a smirk on his face. I groaned in frustration placing my hands over his and pulled them down in one motion. Matt stood at the end of the bed and dragged my panties the rest of the way down my legs, throwing them on the floor. He hauled his boxers off without warning and in the darkened room, I caught a glimpse of his arousal. I just stared at him as he crawled back on the bed and began trailing kisses up my left leg.
When his face was level with mine, Matt grinned at me and pecked my lips. Taking my little hands in his big ones, he sat up a bit and brought them between our bodies and down to his cock, watching my face the whole time. My eyes widened in surprise when he placed my hands on his dick and wrapped them around it. I gave him an uncertain look and he smiled reassuringly.
"Matt-" I whined. "I don't know what to do."
"It's okay, I'll help you." He replied. Matt rolled on to his back bringing me with him so that I was sitting on his thighs, my legs on either side of him.
Bringing my hands back to his rock hard dick, Matt wrapped his hands around mine and slowly began moving them up and down. After a couple motions, Matt took my hand and spit in my palms. I wrinkled my nose at him and he smile bringing my hands back to his cock. Instead of placing his hands back on mine like I expected him to, he ran them up my stomach causing me to shiver and he took my breasts in his hands.
"What do I do? I asked flustered an embarrassing half moan sound coming from my mouth as Matt's fingers ran over my hard nipples and lightly pinched them.
"Rae," Matt replied bringing one hand up and brushing the hair from my face. "What you're doing is fine. Trust me, anything you do to my body feels amazing."
Hesitantly, I tightened my grip slightly and began slowly stroking his length, causing Matt to groan. I ran my thumb over his tip and his body tensed as he shook a bit. Matt brought his hands down, with one he held the base of his dick and the other trailed up my leg and in between them. My body jolted forward as he pinched my throbbing clit between his thumb and forefinger. The ache in my stomach growing and involuntarily I thrust my hips.
"Fuckkk…" I groaned losing the rhythm that I had pumping my hands around Matt.
"Just like that babe, just like that." Matt told me breathlessly mid-moan as I switched my rhythm, stroking downwards and occasionally rubbing his tip.
My legs began to burn and shake and I leaned back a bit, moving closer to his dick. Matt's finger slipped down and he pushed it in to my wet opening. I hissed at the slight pain it caused and Matt stopped his movement.
"Did that hurt?" He asked huskily as our eyes met.
"A-A bit, but its fine." I replied as I continued to move my hand.
"Sorry, I forgot." Matt said as he rubbed slow tantalizing circles on my swollen clit causing me to moan.
Leaning over him, I laid my chest against his and buried my face in his neck as I moved my hips against his hand. Matt groaned turning his head and began sucking and biting my neck. My whole body began to tremor as pleasure coursed through my veins and I forgot about Matt's throbbing erection as the ache in my stomach began to boil over. I moaned into his neck making him shiver as he rubbed his thumb over my clit again and again.
"M-M-Matt," I moaned as the ball of tension in my lower stomach was realized and my whole body convulsed in pleasure.
"Did you like that?" Matt chuckled a couple minutes later as I groaned and rolled off him and on to the bed, panting.
"Yes," I groaned trying to catch my breath. "D-Do you want me to umm, help you out?"
"No, you just relax and I'll fix it." He replied.
I laid on my back beside him trying to stop shaking as I stared up at the ceiling, not wanting to glance over at Matt. It was kind of awkward laying there while he jerked himself off, when it should have been me who got him off. I'm definitely going to be a sex addict, I thought to myself as my lower region pulsed.
Matt groaned a couple minutes later and then dropped his hand on the bed beside me. We laid in silence for a while, not wanting to move a muscle and basking in the pleasure that we had just experienced.
"I'm thirsty." I said breaking the silence.
"Do you want me to get you something to drink?" Matt asked his voice still all deep and husky from our activities.
"Please," I replied and stayed laying still.
Matt rolled off the bed and stood naked. I turned my head to the side and watched his bare ass as he walked from the room. He came back a couple minutes later and handed me a glass of water as I sat up. Matt then walked into the bathroom turning on the light and came back with a wet facecloth and new sheets.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, he set the sheets down and then placed his hand on my thigh, pulling it towards him. Taking the facecloth, he cleaned up my thighs and when he ran the cloth up my still throbbing area I groaned. Matt let out a soft laugh as he set the cloth on the table and stood.
"Can you get off the bed for a minute?" He asked.
"I don't know if I can stand." I replied sleepily moving to the edge of the bed. Matt watched me with an amused smirk as I stood on my wobbly legs and grabbed on to his arm for support.
"I'll change the sheets and then you can lay back down." Matt said as I let him go and found his t-shirt on the floor, pulling it over my head.
As soon as the sheets were changed, I flopped back on the bed with a sigh and Matt chuckled. Gathering the messed up sheets and the facecloth, he put them in the laundry basket before pulling on a pair of clean boxers. Walking over to the light switch on the wall, he turned the fan on and came back to bed, laying down beside me.
"I suck," I told him referring to my lack of experience.
"It was only your first time Kali," he said. "You'll get better."
"Besides, you were distracting me." I added.
"I'm sorry," Matt laughed. "I won't do it again."
"What? No, of course you'll do it again!" I exclaimed as I sat up and stared down at his grinning face in disbelief.
"Relax, I was just joking." Matt said as he laughed again and pulled me down close me him.
"You'll do it again, right?" I asked as a yawn escaped.
"Of course," he replied kissing the top of my head as he wrapped his arm around my waist. "Let's go to sleep now though."
"Night," I said kissing his chest before closing my heavy eyelids.