Beautifully So Disfigured

I woke up this morning with a horrible headache due to my lack of sleep last night. I rose up and swung my legs off the left side of the bed, always the left side. I yawned, wiped the sleep from my eyes, and pushed myself off the bed. I immediately walked into the bathroom in my room to begin my morning ritual. Some people do not say that in a literal sense, I wish I could say the same. If I do not do things according to how they should be played out, nothing goes right for me throughout the rest of the day until I perfect it.

I looked into the mirror at my bloodshot eyes and dark circles. My skin, sickly and pale, almost looked translucent under these harsh lights. I looked like something out of a horror movie. I grabbed my toothbrush from the cup on the right-hand side of the sink, picked up the toothpaste that was lying next to it, placed a neat line down the bristles of my brush, and ran it under the lukewarm water from the sink. I began counting as I ran the brush over my teeth. I was always counting. My life consisted of numbers; everything had its own set amount of times that I needed to perform an action in order to complete it. It was tiring but it had to be done, I couldn’t risk skipping any aspect of my routine. I ran my tongue over my teeth, if something was not right- it had to be done again. This time I got it right the first time. I put my things back in their places and grabbed a bath cloth to begin washing my face. I washed around my eyes first, cheeks, chin and nose, forehead and then ears. I folded the cloth and laid it on the left side of the sink. Then it was time to brush my hair, as if it would help anyway - my hair had a mind of its own. I just wish I did as well. As I ran the brush through my hair, trying to tame the tangled mess on my head, I started counting my brush strokes. I then turned to walk out, touching the doorknob twice before exiting. I picked out a pair of black pants to put on, right leg first, and then followed by the left. After that, I found a Misfits shirt on the top of my neatly folded pile of shirts in my top drawer. Over the head, then its right arm, then the left. This was my life every morning.

Sometimes living in the basement had its perks. It was my own personal safe haven. Everything was just the way I liked it: organized, clean, and perfect. It was especially convenient when it came to my routines. I could complete everything I needed to do without disturbing my family or getting in the way; I hated getting in the way. I didn’t want to be a nuisance and annoy them with my constant counting, repeating and retracing my steps. It’s even worse when we have guests or we’re out in public. The more people are involved, the more complications can take place. People that do not understand mental illness, or have never dealt with individuals that suffer from them, never truly know how to deal. It leads to uncomfortable encounters, a lot of questions, and judgment. “Why are you always counting?” “Can’t you just stop?” “It’s all in your head.” “Why don’t you like to be touched? Can I touch you?” It all gets to be too much. My family is so great, though. They’re constantly reminding me that it’s not an issue because they want me to be comfortable, and I’m incredibly grateful for that. I’ve learned to live with my disorder and the discomfort that it brings me. I just don’t want them to be in any discomfort because of me. Some days are easier than others, but when it’s bad – it’s bad. The last thing I ever want to do is be a burden on my family. Sometimes it’s just easier to keep to myself.

I walked upstairs to join my mom and my brother Mikey, for breakfast, counting my steps as I went. Mikey was sitting at the table reading some comic; he smiled at me as I came into sight. My mom was at the stove making something; she heard my steps and looked over.

“Hey sweetie, breakfast will be done in just a bit.” She smiled. I returned the smile and nodded my head as I continued to make my way over to the table and take a seat next to Mikey.

“Hey G,” he said looking up from his comic. He looked over at mom and she gave him a weary look. I cocked my eyebrow at this but did not think anything of it. Mom came over, laid out my plate in front of me, and sat my drink next to it. I took the drink, placed it on the left hand side of the plate, and placed my fork on the right. None of the foods were touching, just the way I liked it. She then brought Mikey his plate along with her own and sat opposite of me. After a few moments of silence, I put my fork down in its place and finished off my drink.

“I’m done,” I said, grabbing my napkin to wipe my mouth. I neatly folded it back up and placed it on the center of the plate.

“But Gerard, you didn’t even touch your bacon?” My mom said after she examined my plate.

“I couldn’t, it wasn’t crispy enough. I’m sorry,” I looked down at my hands in my lap as I told her. I picked at my fingers, I hated being like this. It was just bacon, why did everything have to be so difficult? Normally, I would try to cook my own breakfast to save her the trouble but she insisted to do the cooking today. I know that’s just her being a mom and trying to take of me, I just wanted to make it easier on her. I heard her sigh and I looked up. Mikey was biting his lip and was fidgeting in his seat.

“Hey G, can I ask you something?” Mikey finally spoke up. I wrinkled my forehead and nodded. It was obvious something was up; this explains the funny looks from before. I continued to pick at my fingers while he continued.

“Uh, my friend Frank is coming over today to spend the day with me. You remember Frank, I’ve told you about him before. Are you – I mean, is that okay?” He started fiddling with his fingers, something we had in common. I thought about it for a minute. Clearly, I was nervous about having some stranger in our house. He may have been Mikey’s friend, and yes, I’m familiar with him, but I’ve never met this kid in person. I never do well with strangers, or people in general, I guess. At school I manage because I have to, there’s no getting around that. But when it came to friends or just willingly being around others, I was a lot more reluctant. That and of course, the fact that others just don’t know how to act around me. They’re either turned off by my constant counting and nitpicking, or they’re scared to get close because I can’t stand being touched. There was just something about it that set my teeth on edge and made my skin feel like it was being pricked by tiny needles. I didn’t know how to be affectionate. Sure, I showed I cared in other ways; it was just the “touchy-feely” stuff that I couldn’t understand. The only people that ever made an effort to be affectionate around me were my family, and even then I made sure the contact was limited. I couldn’t disappoint Mikey, though. It’s not his fault I’m like this. Why should he have to suffer just because I’m socially inapt?

“Yeah man, that’s… that’s fine. That’s no problem. Do I have to be around him? I mean, I can hang out in the basement. You know, get out your way.” Mikey’s face fell. I immediately felt like an asshole. I thought it would be a good idea to just stay out of their hair. Let them have the entire upstairs area to themselves without me there to make things weird.

“I was kind of hoping you’d hang with us. I feel like I hardly see you anymore. You’re always shut up in your room. Frank’s so excited to finally meet you; you’re all I talk about.” I sighed. Mikey just kept looking at me with these big, sad eyes. “I don’t…I don’t want you to be uncomfortable G, honestly. I would just really like you to spend time with us, please? Look, if in the end it ends up being too much, I’ll just tell him that I can go to his from now on, I promise.” My heart broke. I couldn’t bear embarrassing him in front of his friend but more than anything, I wanted him to be happy. Even if it meant I would be uncomfortable, I’d do pretty much anything for Mikey. He was my biggest supporter, always trying to be there when things got bad. Always making sure I was happy, comfortable, loved. I can do this; I will do this, for him.

“Alright, I guess I can hang around while he’s here. I want you to have fun.” The look on his face made almost made it feel like it was worth it. No, it was worth it. Everything will be okay; I just kept repeating that in my head.

As the time went by I found myself growing more and more nervous about this guy being in our house. In the time it took for this guy to show up, I sat and picked at my fingers until it hurt. Watching the clock and counting the ticks as the arms went around. The basement seemed so tempting as I sat there, counting, the ticking sounded like it was right next to my ear. It was in my head, ticking away. I wanted nothing more than to not be in this room when he got here. No, I have to stay. I promised Mikey. I was sitting in the chair in our living room, still staring at the clock when the doorbell finally rang. My head immediately turned to face the door; I could feel my heartbeat get faster. Mikey jumped up from his spot on the couch and ran for the door. I heard him greet his friend and then the rest of the conversation was too low for me to make out. He then came back into our living room with someone behind him, my breath hitched in my throat as he came into sight.

“Um, Gerard this is Frank, Frank this is my older brother Gerard.” Mikey introduced us. This kid looked anything but intimidating but that still did nothing for my heart rate. He was a few inches shorter than Mikey, but he stood with such confidence that it didn’t even matter. I could definitely see why he and Mikey were friends as my eyes scanned his outfit. Distressed blue jeans with holes at the knees, ratty Converses, and a faded black band tee. His hair was cut into a shaggy mohawk, his fringe falling in his face and partially covering his right eye. I met his eyes and he smiled. I couldn’t bring myself to return it; I was still looking at his eyes, golden- like honey.

“Hey Gerard, it’s nice to meet you. Mikey never shuts up about you. I’m glad I’m finally meeting the elusive older brother.” His voice was a little scratchy, but kind. The smile was still adorning his cherub-like face. He lifted his hand for me to take. I looked at it, I wanted to take it but I couldn’t.

“Nice to meet you Frank,” I said as nicely as I could after I ignored his hand and sat back down in my chair. That smile never left his face as he just brushed it off. I was a little grateful that he didn’t comment on it. He brought his hand back down and took a seat next to Mikey. We soon got settled in; sitting in silence and watching TV. It was a bit awkward, just sitting there. No talking, just exchanging awkward glances as we pretended to care about what was on the TV. Sitting in silence is fine when you’re by yourself in the comfort of your own; it’s another thing entirely when there are others around. Mikey started fidgeting and finally, he got up and walked over to the TV.

“Hey guys, do you want to watch a movie? I just got this Romero box set and it seems like the perfect time to bring it out.” Mikey asked, looking back and forth and me and Frank.

“Yeah, that’s perfect. I’m fine with it, if it’s okay with Gerard,” Frank looked over at me.

I swallowed whatever lump had built inside my throat as the two look at my expectantly. A movie was better than whatever the hell was on TV right now. Maybe a little zombie action would make this a bit easier? “It’s fine with me,” I said, my voice a little higher than usual. I gave Mikey a little smile. Mikey was practically beaming. He told us he would be right back. He turned to head upstairs to grab his films, leaving Frank and I alone. I looked down at my lap; I didn’t know what to say to the kid. I was silently praying that he would be content to just sit in silence as we waited for Mikey to come back down. I glanced over at him to see him chewing on his lip ring. I couldn’t stop myself from staring at it. His lips looked soft and full. They were now slightly wet from where he kept sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. Subconsciously, I licked my lips. I began wondering what it would be like to touch his lips. This bothered me. I never wanted to touch anybody, especially not in such an intimate way. For some reason, Frank was the exception because the urge to touch his lips didn’t fade as I continued to stare. His tongue slid out and twisted the silver ring. I heard my breath hitch and I looked up and find him staring back at me. There was a little glint in his eyes that I hadn’t seen before. He grinned at me, my lip twitched. Frank was fascinating. I had never been drawn to someone before; I wasn’t sure how to act or how to feel about it. No one ever fascinated me. Most importantly, no one ever fascinated me to the point where I thought about getting close to them. It was disarming.

“So Gerard, how old are you?’ He said, breaking the silence. He turned his body towards me as he spoke. I felt my eyes scan over his body, watching how he moved.

“I’m eighteen.” I said, as I looked up to meet his eyes again.

“Cool, I’ll be seventeen on Halloween.” I fought the urge to smile, one more thing to add to my list of reasons Frank intrigued me.

His eyes drifted down, eyeing my shirt. Instantly, my hands were at the bottom of my shirt, tugging on the material. My cheeks began to heat up a little. “I see you like the Misfits. This is something we happen to have in common,” Frank said. His hands were animated, punctuating every word that came out of his mouth. “I’m going to see them on my birthday with Mikey. You should come with us. Should be fun?” His grin got even bigger as his eyes reached mine. My eyebrows furled, I couldn’t tell if he was messing with me or not. He just met me, why would he want me to go to a show for his birthday?

“Why do you want me there?” I tried to sound as casual as possible, not wanting to come off too harsh. Frank’s smile faded a little. My face immediately softened; I decided I never wanted to see him sad ever again.

“Oh, I just thought you’d like to go with us. I mean- I’d love for you to come. Really- it’s no problem. I know it would mean a lot to Mikey. He’s always saying how he wants you to come out and have fun. Like, you could even think of it as my birthday gift!” Frank rambled, growing more animated as he spoke. It was actually pretty cute to see him so flustered. I allowed myself to give him a real smile, he instantly lit up.

“I’ll think about it.” He looked like he felt accomplished. I felt good knowing I had made him happy. Mikey soon came back in the room. He began to set everything up and Night of the Living Dead started to play. He ran into the kitchen to grab a few sodas for us and placed them on the coffee table. He happily reclaimed his seat next to Frank and shot a quick smile at me. A few minutes into the movie, I rose up from my seat to grab one of the drinks, at the same time as Frank. His hand brushed against mine. I quickly pulled away, like I had been burned. My hand was tingling. He looked up at me, obviously confused. I felt something tighten in my gut. I ran downstairs, ignoring Frank calling my name. I ran into my bathroom to wash my hands. As I was vigorously washing, I heard a knock at the bathroom door. My breath caught in my throat as I looked at the door. My heart sank as I heard Frank on the other side. After what felt like forever, I finally reached for the door. I touched the knob twice and opened it to see Frank standing there, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“Gerard, why’d you run out?” His voice was stern, matching the look on his equally displeased face.

“I had to go wash my hands.” I looked at the floor. I couldn’t even bear to look at him. I fucked up, I was fucked up. I was too fucked up to even handle a little human interaction without acting like it was the end of the world. The one person that fascinated me enough to want to touch him, and I couldn’t even handle it. That killed me. Frank’s reaction killed me even more.

“Why, do I repulse you that much?” My head snapped up. He looked crushed. My mouth just hung open as I stared at him, incredulously. The fact that he could even think that almost knocked me off of my feet. Frank was beautiful; I could admit that to myself now. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. Way too beautiful to feel that way. Frank was a lot of things, but “repulsive” was not one of them.

“No – no, that’s not even the case. I swear.”

“Then why?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“Because I care about you, that’s why.” Frank’s gaze was hard as he stared into my eyes. He cared? Why, because I was Mikey’s older brother? What does that matter to him? He’s the first person outside of my parents and Mikey to say they cared about me. It was confusing. I wanted him to care about me, I didn’t know why but I did. I wanted to care about him too. Mikey often spoke about Frank. Though I had never met him in person before today, I definitely knew of him. He was everything I wasn’t: adventurous, thoughtful, and affectionate. He wasn’t broken like I was.

“Well, don’t. I’m not that important.” I scoffed.

“I think you are, Mikey sure as hell thinks so too. I’ve had to listen to him go on and on about “his big brother Gerard” almost every day since I met him. I had to hear about how talented you are, how much he admired you. You inspire that kid so much, hell even I started looking up to you.” Frank’s voice rose in volume and he began to step towards me. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding in. I felt paralyzed. Even if I could to take a step back, I didn’t want to.

“Well I’m not; I’m not worth anyone’s time. I’m broken. I’m not “inspiring”, I’m nothing. I can’t even handle a simple task without making everyone uncomfortable. Constantly counting, repeating myself, meticulously going over everything just to make sure I don’t miss a step. I know how people see me. How they look at me when they notice something’s a bit off. The look of pity they give my mom for having to deal with me. It’s shitty and I hate it. All I want to do is function like everyone else. I don’t want to run away every time someone gets too close but I do. You shouldn’t even waste your time on me.” I could feel my eyes begin to sting as tears threatened to fall. I bit my lip, forcing myself to keep it together. I didn’t want to cry in front of Frank. That would destroy me. He’s already seen me freak out, I didn’t want to add to it by crying. Frank looked hesitant. He took a few more steps, closing the space between us inch by inch. My chest tightened as I tried to steady my breathing but my heart still felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. Frank was so close that I could feel his breath on my lips. I felt my mouth get dry. I licked my lips, my eyes kept switching between his eyes and his mouth. I have never let anyone get this close to me. It was intoxicating; everything about Frank was assaulting every single one of my senses. I wanted to hold him, to kiss him and that scared the shit out of me. He took my hands in his, forcing me out of my trance and I just focused on his eyes. Oh God, his eyes. I didn’t even realize my hands were shaking until the pressure from his met mine, causing them to stop their movement.

“Well I want nothing more, than to waste my time with you. I think you’re special Gerard, even if you can’t see it, I do. Please – just let me show you how special you are?” For the first time, I didn’t feel the need to go wash my hands because someone was touching them. I gripped his hands with mine, savoring the contact. Allowing myself to just enjoy being close to someone. It was comforting. I didn’t feel gross or afraid, I felt human. I wanted this- I needed this. Having Frank’s hands in mine made me feel whole. Finally, I realized why he was so fascinating to me. He possessed all of the qualities I had longed for. And now, with his hands in mine, it was like they were a part of me. Like finding the last two missing puzzle pieces that fit perfectly next to each other, completing the full picture. Frank’s gaze was overwhelming. His eyes were so caring; like he was pleading with me to realize that he was being genuine. Eventually, I did believe. My eyes fell back down to his lips. Focusing on his lip ring again, it glistened as the light reflected off of it. Frank took the hint and leaned forward and placed his lips on mine in a sweet kiss. I felt the coolness of his lip ring against my lips, it was electrifying. I never knew being close to someone could feel like this. I slowly inched my hand up his right arm, caressing it as I made my way to the back of his head. I threaded my hands in his hair, loving how soft it felt against my fingers. His free hand grabbed my waste, pulling my body against his. Our hands that were still clasped just tightened their grip, our fingers laced. After just moments of our lips moving, in sync with one another we broke apart. Our chests were moving in sync with one another as we tried to catch our breath. I let my hand linger on the back of his neck, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. I shivered as his fingers kneaded my hip. Frank’s lips curled up, giving me a huge smile. I smiled as I let my hand fall down to grip his once again. I didn’t feel broken with Frank here in front of me, holding me together. My new found obsession.