The Diary of Bree

Dear Diary,

Surprisingly Christmas and New years went by without any major issues. I got to eat for the first time in almost 6 days and I honestly think I was happy for a second. But that didn’t last long because I remembered that I had to clean up after these 20 plus adults that had gathered at my house for the last week. I lost count of how many beer bottles and champagne bottles I threw away. It was ridiculous, you would think grown adults knew how to clean up after themselves, but no, why do that when you have a personal maid that does all that for you. Stupid fuckers, I was so sick of this. I was nothing to them but a tool to use as they saw fit. It took me two days to clean the entire house after New Years. I didn’t even get to celebrate because I was too busy cooking all the appetizers and food for everyone and passing them around like some sort of waiter that I never got to enjoy a second of the holidays.

I feel so used. After all of this I got no recognition of anything what so ever. Not even one compliment on the food from a single family member. I feel stupid for putting myself through this. I hate myself, for not only letting myself be used by my family, but also how I knew I had nowhere to go. I was stuck there. They knew it, I knew it, and I can’t do a single thing about it. I hate how I have become this passive little thing toy, who comes at their beck and call and does exactly what she is told in hopes that her parents will just acknowledge her for once. But honestly I lost hope a long time ago that it would happen.

What happened for things to turn as shitty as they are now you ask.
One word,

Puberty

I wasn’t the cute little girl that they could dress up and bring to fancy parties anymore. I was my own person now, I had friends of my own that I would go and hang out with, I dressed myself with my own sense of style, I had my own opinions., which my parents didn’t like very much. I would get slapped when I talked back, and constantly being grounded for speaking my mind. They kept up the perfect family appearance until I turned 15. When I turned 15 the abuse got worse. I was told none of my friends wanted to hang out with me anymore because I was weird. In reality my parents told the other parents that was too busy to hang out with anyone anymore. At first it was mainly verbal abuse. My mom constantly called me fat, ugly, useless. While my dad told me that no man would ever want me ever. I believe he said I would die alone because no one would love someone as stupid as me. He wasn’t wrong about the die alone part

The physical abuse came soon after. At first it was just a slap here or there when I didn’t listen or I talked back, but then it went on to full beatings when dinner wasn’t cooked, or something wasn’t clean. I can’t even remember how many times I have been dragged by my hair and thrown into my room. Malnutrition became my new best friend, as I would be not allowed to eat for several days at a time, and even then only given table scraps.

I remember wishing that I had never been born. I remember praying to God and asking him what I did to deserve the way I was being treated, but of course no answer came. I never got my miracle, and I never will. Unless I make it myself.

The years past, and although the physical abuse has stopped, I am pretty much just used as they see fit in the house. I’m surprised they even let me go to school. But here I am at 17, wanting to take my own life because I knew it would not only release me from what seems like a never ending nightmare, but it would also relieve my parents of their responsibilities, and when I was gone they would be free to do as they pleased, though I’m sure they would have to hire a maid because they do not know how to clean up after themselves since I’ve been doing it for the past 2, almost 3 years.

So it isn’t very surprising that I have a very low opinion of myself, since for the last almost 3 years I have been told that I am nothing, I am useless, ugly, fat, stupid, you name it I’m sure I have been called it at least once from my parents. It eventually feel like the truth. I’m sick of being unwanted, and unloved. I feel like I’m carrying this huge weight on my shoulders that I don’t know what to do with.

All I had ever wanted was my parents to be proud of me. I had gotten good grades in school, listened to them, never got in trouble. Was it too much to ask that they just be proud of me? No, instead they were ashamed of me, ashamed that I was even born in the first place. To them I had been just another mistake, an unwanted thing that they were stuck with until I turned 18, which was thankfully soon, and I’m sure they will be kicking me out as soon as the clock strikes 12. I was ready for it in a way, knowing that suicide was still on my mind.

Have you ever felt like dying was the only answer? To relieve yourself of your burdens and for once in so long feel free. Free of self hatred, free of guilt, free of stress, free of responsibility, free of the burden that you have been carrying for so long. That’s how I honestly feel. I feel that if I was gone, not only would I finally feel free of everything, but I would also relieve those around me who have been putting up with me my whole life.

I have made my decision; all that was left was one question

when