Way's the Only Place That Feels Like Home

“You can’t just stay home and sulk! Come on.” Quinn whined. I refused to listen to him. I didn’t want to have fun, I wanted Mikey back.

I can’t believe after so long he left me. After all he told me, he told me he loved me, he told me he would never leave me, we would be happy forever.

“We’ll make our own real fairytale.” He told me this so many times. He truly had the gift of the words, he always made me believe. As if he had a spell on me. He didn’t, but he had something a lot stronger. I loved him. So I believed every little filthy lie he told me.

I’m not sure if he ever loved me. Maybe he did once, or maybe he never did. I don’t know, and I like it that way so I can live the rest of my sad life with at least a little hope.

He didn’t even try to apologize. I’m only glad I’m not living a lie anymore but did it really hurt while I didn’t know I was living it? I don’t even know what to think anymore. I don’t know if I wish I had seen it sooner or if I wish I hadn’t seen it at all. Maybe all I wish was that he hadn’t given me something to see.

Maybe I’m being a drama queen but inside my head, what made it worse wasn’t when, where or how he did. But with whom he did it with.

“Frank.” Quinn called. I didn’t look at him. “Frank, come one. Forget about him. He doesn’t deserve you.” I turned my head looking at him.

“How can I forget about him? How the fuck do you do it? Tell me! How the fuck can you just stay there and pretend this never happened?!” He took a step closer.

“Frank, just because he cheat on you it’s no-”

“I though he loved me! That’s what makes it the fucking end of the world!” I let myself fall on the couch not bothering to try and hide my tears. I was allowed to cry.

I rang the bell over and over again. No one came. I knew he was home I had just left him here a minutes ago, only to remember Mikey had my phone. I needed it to fill the need of my boyfriend’s voice later that night before going to bed, so he better answer the door and give it to me.

I rang again. I waited and nothing. I can’t believe him. Lazy bastard.

I reached for the door handle, it was worth a try. Maybe he didn’t close it.
I smiled when the door opened. I went in and closed it. I called them but I’m sure they didn’t hear it. Then an idea came to my mind, I might as well surprise Mikey.

“Oh, don’t stop!” I heard rolling my eyes. That’s probably another one of his brother’s cheap fucks. I rolled my eyes and kept walking to get to Mikey’s room, only to find out the moans were getting louder. He wouldn’t do it in his brother’s room would he?

Well, I pretty sure he wasn’t in there too but where the fuck had he gone? Maybe the kitchen.
I was about to leave behind the loud moaning when a conversation caught my hear.
“How was it?” It sounded like Mikey.
“Amazing, as always Mikey.”

No.

The thought made me cry harder. Quinn sat next to me and hugged me.

“It’s okay, he’s a bastard.”
“But I love him.” I sobbed holding on him for dear life.

Love’s a bitch. Heart’s a bitch. Everything in my life is a fucking bitch, and the worst is to know that I love one of those bitches. I felt my heart break a little more every time I though about how much I loved my boyfriend. I feel like someone just picked up the peaces to break them into peaces even smaller.

“Come one, let’s go out.” Quinn said after my sob had died down.

“Where?”

“How about the amusement park? I’ve wanted to go there for a while. What do you say?”

“I guess. Quinn I don’t really care. I don’t even want to go out.” I said shrugging.

“You can’t stay home and sulk all day.”

“Yes I can.”

“But I won’t let you. Now, come one. You’ll take hours to fix! Look at that face? And dude, you smell!” He said. Some how it brought a smile to you face. He’s just so cheerful you’ll be happy just being next to him. He’s a great best friend.

When I finally came out of the bathroom I heard music coming from the living room. It was familiar but I could quite put my finger on it…

“What are you listening to?” I shouted at Quinn from my room while I got dressed..

“Fall out boy.” I chuckled. “Don’t mock me! Listen to it and let it help you with your problems.” I rolled my eyes, why the fuck would Fall out boy help me with my problems?

“And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you.” I smiled at this line, it was so true.

I kept getting dressed, hearing Quinn sing in the background. I think he should just shut up.

After I got ready we got in Quinn’s car and drove to the amusement park still listening to Patrick Sump’s voice.

“And you're the only place that feels like home, just so you know, you'll never know, and some secrets weren't meant to be told.” I tried not to smile again. I hated to say this, but Quinn was right. It does make you feel better.

“I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends.”

Friends were the only thing I had left. I had Quinn always trying to cheer me up and Gerard that kept calling, and even though I was being an awful friend refusing to pick up the phone, I still loved him with all my heart. My best friends were all I had left to fill up the hole he left in my heart. I still can’t believe he did this to me. I still don’t know why. I wish… Oh, fuck it. What’s it worth? Wishing! It cost nothing because you get nothing in return! That’s what life is about. If you don’t give you don’t get, but if you give too much it’ll turn you around and fuck you in the ass. Like Mikey, I gave him everything in me. I tried everything. I tried to be sweeter, tried not to be so jealous, tried to give him a little freedom and he does this. He sure as hell didn’t deserve all I did for him, but how are we supposed to know if we’re so in love that we’ll actually do all those things? We won’t. That’s the reason why everything in my life is a bitch. Life itself it’s a bitch.

“We’re here.” Quinn said happily. I felt like shouting at him for bringing me here. I didn’t want to be here. After my moment to think in the car I just wanted to go home and sulk, maybe if I get the house dark enough it will eat me. “I wanna go on the roller coaster!” He said.

“I’m not going in that. I’ll get sick.”

“Frank, come one. You know you don’t, you just don’t want to go because you prefer to stay and depress about your sad, sad life.” He said pointing a finger in my direction. That might as well have been true but it still hurt, even worse because it came from my best friend.

“Fuck you.” I whispered over the loud noise holding the tears back. I knew he heard me. I turned around and walked away. He didn’t follow, I’m happy for that. I walked around for some time until a found place that just looked so appealing to sit there and ‘depress over my sad, sad life.’ From where I was you could a place where the crowd started to disappear until there weren’t anyone else. Close to the last stall you could see some trees. The place seemed so calm, fresh and welcoming. I just had to sit there under a tree looking at my ink craved hands and thinking about everything.

Maybe that was the thing he didn’t like about me. It could be my hand, or my tattoos, maybe my lips, or my nose. Does it really matter? Maybe he hated everything about me, maybe just one thing or another. He still did it. Trying to find excuses in myself was not working. It was his problem, not mine. I’m done with the self pity. He didn’t even deserve any of the little things he may or may not hate in me, so who gave him the right to cheat on me? No one.
I wish I hadn’t told Quinn to fuck off, or that I hadn’t ignored Gerard’s calls. I wish he was here with me. I was just so afraid he would remind me of Mikey when I was trying to pretend he never happened.

I was too blind to notice the thing I most love in Gerard is that he’s so different from his brother. I hope he’s not mad.

“Frankie?” I looked up.

“Gerard?” He nodded sitting next to me. Maybe wishing worked after all. “I’m sorry I ignored you.”

“Don’t worry, I understand. He has hurt you badly, hasn’t he?” He asked not waiting an answer. He hugged me. I was indeed in need of a hug.

“He did and I was too stupid to notice I needed you to heal it.” He kissed my head and we just sat there hugging for a long time.

“I know this isn’t the best time but I don’t want to wait more to tell you. I have wished I was in Mikey’s place for a long time.” I nodded cuddling more into his chest.

“Maybe wishing is worth something after all.”