I Got Soul but I'm Not a Soldier
I got soul but I'm not a soldier, Ch. 5
5
We had buried Spencer’s body next to the barn and later that night, we had thrown a stone through one of the farmhouse’s windows. The people who had lived there must have abandoned it in a rush, because almost all of their belongings were still there. But most important, there was a comfortable bed we could’ve slept in that night. I think Ryan and I both needed that. We also found an old, stale loaf of bread, but it was still edible and if you think that’s a disgusting thing to eat, I can assure you that I have eaten worse things in the years that had followed. Outside, there was also a water pump, so we had practically everything we needed. Not that we would’ve stayed at the farm too long. That would’ve been too dangerous. The fact that there already had been two German soldiers wandering around there indicated that the Axis had gotten closer.
“Try to sleep,” I whispered as Ryan and I were both lying in the bed. I had my arms wrapped around him and was holding him close. Ryan shook his head and sniffed away a few tears. “I can’t,” he muttered. I just sighed and tightened the grip I had on his body, to let him know that I was there for him. At that moment, I would’ve done everything to make him feel better again or to undo what had happened to Spencer. But of course, I couldn’t; no one could. Eventually, Ryan had cried himself to sleep with me still holding him.
The morning after Spencer’s death, we both woke up early. I think it must’ve been just after sunset, because outside, the sky still had a beautiful orange-pink glow. I practically had to force Ryan into eating a lump of the bread that I had found in the kitchen. The last time he had eaten was the morning that we had left the military base, which had been two days before. Ryan had always been a thin man and I was afraid that if he wouldn’t have eaten, he would’ve become a skeleton or break into pieces at the slightest touch.
“I think we should get away from here soon,” I told Ryan, who was sitting on the bed, staring at the dirty grey wall in front of him. “I want to stay a few more days,” Ryan replied after a short minute and turned his head, looking at me. “For Spencer,” he added and turned his face away from me again. “Sure,” I nodded, even though I didn’t entirely agree with him. I thought that it would’ve been dangerous for us to stay around for too long. The hostile troops were getting closer and we needed to get away before they could have reached us.
The rest of the day was spent without any of us speaking a lot. Ryan had gone outside, to the spot where we had buried Spencer’s body. When he came back, his eyes were red and puffy from crying. I lead him to the bed where I held him in silence, letting him cry in my arms. It was the only thing I could’ve done for him at that moment. That same night, he fell asleep in my arms again, just like the night before.
The next night, Ryan hadn’t cried anymore. We were lying on the bed together, our faces only a few inches away from each other. We talked in soft whispers and every time he said something, I could feel his breath against my lips. My feelings for him had been getting more and more intense by the second that night. But I hadn’t acted on them. I was scared that, if I did, Ryan would’ve sent me away and that was the last thing I had wanted. When I think about that now, I feel stupid. Ryan had sent me a million of clear signals since the moment we had met, which obviously told me that he felt the same way about me. I guess I must’ve been too blind to see those signs.
The last night of our stay at the farmhouse, was a special night. One of the most special nights in my entire life I’d even dare to say. The only things we had eaten in the past days were the stale bread and a few old potatoes. We were both hungry, but there was nothing around to fill our stomachs with. “I want something to eat,” Ryan groaned, resting his head on my shoulder. I sighed. “I know, Ryan. I’m hungry too,” I said, patting him on the knee. “Can I have a piece of you?” he asked with a soft giggle, making me cock an eyebrow. “You look delicious,” he added and winked at me. I’m sure that at that moment, my head had been as red as an overripe tomato. I gathered all of my courage and decided to take this further. After all, he had been the one who told I looked delicious and not the other way around, so I figured it would’ve been okay. “Well,” I started, looking him in the eye. “I guess it’s okay if you’d take a bite from my lips,” I grinned. I don’t think he had expected an answer like that. I saw his eyes widen in the flickering light of the single candle that stood on the nightstand next to the bed. “Then I think I will just go in on your offer,” he smirked after a short silence. He slowly moved his face closer to mine and connected our lips in a soft, sensual kiss. My heart was beating like crazy in my chest and I was sure that he had felt it against his own chest. Before he had pulled away from the kiss, he softly and playfully planted his teeth in my lower lip, drawing a soft moan from me. “You don’t only look delicious, you taste delicious as well,” he smiled.
I chuckled and without saying another word, I pressed out lips together for another kiss. That second kiss had been more harsh and needy. I could feel his tongue prodding against my lips and I parted them a little bit, allowing his tongue to enter my mouth. Our tongues feverishly slid against one another, sending thousands of sparks up my spine. When we broke the kiss, all I could do was grin and stare into those beautiful honey brown eyes.
When we went to sleep that night, I held him again, but it had felt different than the nights before. The other nights I had held him because he needed it, but that last night, I held him because I needed it as well.
***
We left the farmhouse in the early morning, before sunset, so we wouldn’t have been seen by anyone. Our uniforms, we had left in the house and we had put on the clothes we had found in one of the cupboards inside the house. We had planned on going to Great Britain. The last things we had heard was that Germany still hadn’t been able to invade Britain, so we thought it would have been safe for us there. If we would have ever gotten there.
“Can we rest a little bit?” Ryan asked. “My legs are tired and my feet hurt,” he added and I nodded in response, looking around us to see if there was any good place where we could have sat out of sight. “Let’s go sit behind those trees,” I suggested, pointing at a few trees and bushes about 700 feet away from us. We walked to the spot in silence and sat down on the damp grass. Ryan carefully took his shoes off and I had noticed the painful grimace on his face. “Come here,” I said, taking one of Ryan’s feet in my hands. Ryan had sent me a questioning look, but I just smiled and started massaging his foot. “How does that feel?” I asked. It was the first time I had ever given someone a massage, so I was just randomly squeezing different parts of his foot, hoping it would do Ryan’s foot good. “It feels great, don’t stop,” Ryan replied, a contented sigh escaping from his lips.
“About last night,” Ryan started, intently looking at me. “Are you okay with what we did?” he asked. I quickly nodded in reply. Of course I had been okay with it, more than okay, it was the best thing that had happened to me since I was born. “I really liked it,” I told Ryan, a small, shy smile playing on my lips. “Did you?” I asked, still rubbing his foot. “A lot,” Ryan smiled, his cheeks flushing an adorable shade of pink. Without saying another word, I had let go of Ryan’s foot and shifted closer do him. “So you wouldn’t mind if I’d kiss you again?” I smirked, ghosting my lips over his, but not kissing him yet. Ryan shook his head. “Good,” I smiled and pressed my lips against his, gently sucking on his bottom lip. It had felt so good to have his lips against mine; it still does. I felt his tongue sliding over my lips and I eagerly parted them, letting his tongue collide with my own. For a few minutes, all the misery around us had disappeared and we had escaped in our own little world where it was just me and him. The man had taken over my heart and it was the best feeling I had ever felt.
We had buried Spencer’s body next to the barn and later that night, we had thrown a stone through one of the farmhouse’s windows. The people who had lived there must have abandoned it in a rush, because almost all of their belongings were still there. But most important, there was a comfortable bed we could’ve slept in that night. I think Ryan and I both needed that. We also found an old, stale loaf of bread, but it was still edible and if you think that’s a disgusting thing to eat, I can assure you that I have eaten worse things in the years that had followed. Outside, there was also a water pump, so we had practically everything we needed. Not that we would’ve stayed at the farm too long. That would’ve been too dangerous. The fact that there already had been two German soldiers wandering around there indicated that the Axis had gotten closer.
“Try to sleep,” I whispered as Ryan and I were both lying in the bed. I had my arms wrapped around him and was holding him close. Ryan shook his head and sniffed away a few tears. “I can’t,” he muttered. I just sighed and tightened the grip I had on his body, to let him know that I was there for him. At that moment, I would’ve done everything to make him feel better again or to undo what had happened to Spencer. But of course, I couldn’t; no one could. Eventually, Ryan had cried himself to sleep with me still holding him.
The morning after Spencer’s death, we both woke up early. I think it must’ve been just after sunset, because outside, the sky still had a beautiful orange-pink glow. I practically had to force Ryan into eating a lump of the bread that I had found in the kitchen. The last time he had eaten was the morning that we had left the military base, which had been two days before. Ryan had always been a thin man and I was afraid that if he wouldn’t have eaten, he would’ve become a skeleton or break into pieces at the slightest touch.
“I think we should get away from here soon,” I told Ryan, who was sitting on the bed, staring at the dirty grey wall in front of him. “I want to stay a few more days,” Ryan replied after a short minute and turned his head, looking at me. “For Spencer,” he added and turned his face away from me again. “Sure,” I nodded, even though I didn’t entirely agree with him. I thought that it would’ve been dangerous for us to stay around for too long. The hostile troops were getting closer and we needed to get away before they could have reached us.
The rest of the day was spent without any of us speaking a lot. Ryan had gone outside, to the spot where we had buried Spencer’s body. When he came back, his eyes were red and puffy from crying. I lead him to the bed where I held him in silence, letting him cry in my arms. It was the only thing I could’ve done for him at that moment. That same night, he fell asleep in my arms again, just like the night before.
The next night, Ryan hadn’t cried anymore. We were lying on the bed together, our faces only a few inches away from each other. We talked in soft whispers and every time he said something, I could feel his breath against my lips. My feelings for him had been getting more and more intense by the second that night. But I hadn’t acted on them. I was scared that, if I did, Ryan would’ve sent me away and that was the last thing I had wanted. When I think about that now, I feel stupid. Ryan had sent me a million of clear signals since the moment we had met, which obviously told me that he felt the same way about me. I guess I must’ve been too blind to see those signs.
The last night of our stay at the farmhouse, was a special night. One of the most special nights in my entire life I’d even dare to say. The only things we had eaten in the past days were the stale bread and a few old potatoes. We were both hungry, but there was nothing around to fill our stomachs with. “I want something to eat,” Ryan groaned, resting his head on my shoulder. I sighed. “I know, Ryan. I’m hungry too,” I said, patting him on the knee. “Can I have a piece of you?” he asked with a soft giggle, making me cock an eyebrow. “You look delicious,” he added and winked at me. I’m sure that at that moment, my head had been as red as an overripe tomato. I gathered all of my courage and decided to take this further. After all, he had been the one who told I looked delicious and not the other way around, so I figured it would’ve been okay. “Well,” I started, looking him in the eye. “I guess it’s okay if you’d take a bite from my lips,” I grinned. I don’t think he had expected an answer like that. I saw his eyes widen in the flickering light of the single candle that stood on the nightstand next to the bed. “Then I think I will just go in on your offer,” he smirked after a short silence. He slowly moved his face closer to mine and connected our lips in a soft, sensual kiss. My heart was beating like crazy in my chest and I was sure that he had felt it against his own chest. Before he had pulled away from the kiss, he softly and playfully planted his teeth in my lower lip, drawing a soft moan from me. “You don’t only look delicious, you taste delicious as well,” he smiled.
I chuckled and without saying another word, I pressed out lips together for another kiss. That second kiss had been more harsh and needy. I could feel his tongue prodding against my lips and I parted them a little bit, allowing his tongue to enter my mouth. Our tongues feverishly slid against one another, sending thousands of sparks up my spine. When we broke the kiss, all I could do was grin and stare into those beautiful honey brown eyes.
When we went to sleep that night, I held him again, but it had felt different than the nights before. The other nights I had held him because he needed it, but that last night, I held him because I needed it as well.
***
We left the farmhouse in the early morning, before sunset, so we wouldn’t have been seen by anyone. Our uniforms, we had left in the house and we had put on the clothes we had found in one of the cupboards inside the house. We had planned on going to Great Britain. The last things we had heard was that Germany still hadn’t been able to invade Britain, so we thought it would have been safe for us there. If we would have ever gotten there.
“Can we rest a little bit?” Ryan asked. “My legs are tired and my feet hurt,” he added and I nodded in response, looking around us to see if there was any good place where we could have sat out of sight. “Let’s go sit behind those trees,” I suggested, pointing at a few trees and bushes about 700 feet away from us. We walked to the spot in silence and sat down on the damp grass. Ryan carefully took his shoes off and I had noticed the painful grimace on his face. “Come here,” I said, taking one of Ryan’s feet in my hands. Ryan had sent me a questioning look, but I just smiled and started massaging his foot. “How does that feel?” I asked. It was the first time I had ever given someone a massage, so I was just randomly squeezing different parts of his foot, hoping it would do Ryan’s foot good. “It feels great, don’t stop,” Ryan replied, a contented sigh escaping from his lips.
“About last night,” Ryan started, intently looking at me. “Are you okay with what we did?” he asked. I quickly nodded in reply. Of course I had been okay with it, more than okay, it was the best thing that had happened to me since I was born. “I really liked it,” I told Ryan, a small, shy smile playing on my lips. “Did you?” I asked, still rubbing his foot. “A lot,” Ryan smiled, his cheeks flushing an adorable shade of pink. Without saying another word, I had let go of Ryan’s foot and shifted closer do him. “So you wouldn’t mind if I’d kiss you again?” I smirked, ghosting my lips over his, but not kissing him yet. Ryan shook his head. “Good,” I smiled and pressed my lips against his, gently sucking on his bottom lip. It had felt so good to have his lips against mine; it still does. I felt his tongue sliding over my lips and I eagerly parted them, letting his tongue collide with my own. For a few minutes, all the misery around us had disappeared and we had escaped in our own little world where it was just me and him. The man had taken over my heart and it was the best feeling I had ever felt.