Finding True Love

You ever feel like everything stops in time…or like you want everything to just stop where it is? Have you ever felt so empty inside that it hurts…like you cant feel anything at all…and you don’t feel like you’ll ever be able to feel again? Like you have no one at all…no one who will ever make you happy again, the way he did. The way he made you laugh, made you smile…made you cry, made you feel special. The way he smiled…how it just made your day and you wanted to see that smile on his face forever…and the warmth you feel when he hugs you tight…it makes you feel so protective…so safe.

Or maybe you’ve felt like the whole world is against you…and maybe you think God hates you or is punishing you. Like, he doesn’t want you to be happy, so he has to take everything you’ve ever loved and cared for, away from you to teach you a lesson. That’s how I feel right now, under the pouring rain. All of what I’ve mentioned. The emptiness I feel, hurts too much to even describe the pain that comes with it. I’m not even sure if the numbness is from the coldness of the rain or from my insides breaking bit by bit.

I collapsed onto my knees, on the grass in the middle of our favorite place to go: the park. This is where we first met…where he first asked me out…where our first kiss happened…our first fight happened…our first makeup happened…everything happened at this park. It was a special place…it was our place…but now it’s nothing. It means absolutely nothing to me now…and you know why? Because this is where the damn truck came speeding down the street! If only I hadn’t been so stubborn and came here…he wouldn’t have followed…he wouldn’t have gotten hit…he’d still be here with me. He’d be holding me tight as we relaxed on his couch in his living room. It’s my fault.

It’s my fault he’s not here with me anymore…I’m the one who put his family through this…I’m the one his friends should be hating. I’m the reason his band isn’t a band anymore so not only did his band lose their band mate…but they lost their best friend and their brother.

“Why!? Why did you do this to me?! Am I not supposed to be happy?! Do you really not want any happiness for me at all?! I finally think things are falling into place but then you take him away! Why did you do it?! What did I do, that was so wrong, to make me deserve this?!” I shouted up to the sky as the rain just poured down harder.

All I got for a response was more thunder and lightning. I screamed up to the sky as loud as I could…it was loud and high pitch. It ended into sobs though. I did it again. It wasn’t as loud but it was still loud. I had more sobs as I held my head down and felt the water and mud seep into my jeans.

I felt someone watching me and then I heard faint footsteps come closer. I knew who they belonged to and I knew he was closer to me than what it sounded like.

“Lilly…you’re going to catch a cold!” he yelled over the rain but it was still light and gentle but with concern.

“I don’t care,” I sobbed quietly as I shook my head. He came to my side and knelt down in front of me. “What are you doing here Nick,” I muttered but now he was able to hear me because he was directly in front of me.

“Came out to find you”

“Why?”

“You’re going to get hurt”

“Good…it’ll do me some good”

"Stop talking like that,” he snapped. “It’s not your fault,” he added.

“He was your brother! How can you not be upset with me?! You should be yelling at me right now, telling me how much you hate me!” I shouted at him.

“I wont say that,” he said sternly.

“Why not?!”

“Because! It’s not your fault! And I would never be able to hate you…of course I’m upset…but not with you…I could never be upset or angry with you,” he said, ending in a more gently tone.

“I cant do this anymore Nick…I cant do this without him,” I sobbed.

“Yes you can…you’re not alone…I’ll be by your side all the way, I’ll always be there for you…and Joe wouldn’t want you to give up…you can’t…he’d probably be yelling at you for acting this way right now,” he said with a small laugh but his voice cracked and tears formed in his eyes.

“Mom started to get nervous when you ran out of your house and never came back…she told me and I came out right away to find you…it wasn’t hard of course…we’re all dealing with this in our own way Lil and it’s really hard for all of us…but no one is blaming you,” I stayed silent.

“Please…come home with me,” he begged.

I got the courage to look him in the eyes and I saw the pleading and begging, but I couldn’t find the voice in me to speak so I just nodded. It looked like he took a sigh of relief and he attempted to smile as he held out his hand to me and I took it. He helped me up and quickly gave me his jacket and we began walking home in the rain with his arm around me, keeping me close…I didn’t care if I was going to catch a cold or not. All I wanted was for it to be Joe who was walking me home in the rain.