Finding True Love

That whole day consisted of Kevin, Danielle, Frankie, Nick and I sitting in the living room, watching t.v. and playing video games while Paul and Denise arranged funeral settings. Kevin and Danielle were side by side on the floor in front of the couch as I laid across it and Nick sat underneath my legs as Elvis was laying next to the couch so when my arm hung over the edge, I began to pet him and Frankie sat in the recliner. As Nick and Frankie played, it was quiet…the only sound was the music from the video game…we all knew it wasn’t the same…there was no arguing of who won or who lost…there was no cheering when they accomplished a goal…there was no fun in the game…it was just mindless playing.

“I need some air,” I said and got up.

I headed for the door and I felt Nick’s eyes on me the whole time as I walked out. I shut the door and leaned on the railing as I stood on the porch, looking up at the sky.

“Joe…I don’t know what to do…I need you here…we all do,” I murmured.

Then as if on cue…the wind blew as I felt a tear slid slowly down my cheek…and when I felt like the wind was wiping away…I felt a hand at my face…wiping away the tear…and I was thinking {hoping} I would see Joe. It was like I could feel his presence…his protection…but when I looked to my right, I saw it was Nick. I started to question my feelings…I’ve always felt like this with Joe…but with Nick it’s like a stronger bond. He looked at me with gentle eyes and I just starred at him as he kept his hand on my check…almost caressing it.

He must have realized he kept his hand on my cheek longer than expected because then he snapped his arm back to his side and avoided my gaze as I saw him struggle to hide his blush. But then I wrapped my arms around his waist {he was slightly taller than me} and I held my head against his chest, keeping him close. He put his arm around me and he did the same with his other arm so he was hugging me back.

I listened to his heart beat…the soft rhythmic pattern it had…reminded me of Joe’s heart beat when we just laid together outside and starred at the sunset. Why is it, that everything Nick is…reminds me of Joe…hell, everything here reminds me of him…they are…were…his family so obviously all of this reminds me of him…can I really handle this? Being around all of them…Nick’s been my best friend through everything that happened over the years…I’ve been there for him through his music career even when I was Joe’s girlfriend…and hes always been there for me when Joe wasn’t…or if Joe and I had a minor fight.

“You know you can talk to me LJ…”

“I know…it just hurts too much right now…I don’t want to talk about it,” I said as he placed his head on top of mine.

But when I turned my head upward he lifted his head up and looked down at me. “You can talk to me too you know” I retorted and he just starred at me.

“Nick…I don’t want you to try and be strong for me…your family…or anyone else…don’t try being strong please…if you want to talk about it…just tell me,” I said.

“As long as you don’t try to stay strong either”

“Now you know I cant promise that,” I said and put my head on his chest again as I felt him smile and chuckle lightly.

“Then I think we’ll run into a small problem, because if you wont agree to that then neither will I,” he said stubbornly and I just let out a light laugh and shook my head.

“I love you Nick,” I whispered in a way that I thought was simply platonic, because I've said it plenty times before.

“I love you too,” he murmured.
~~~~~~~~~
“Lilly you know you’re more than welcome to stay here with us,” Denise said.

“And you know it would make us feel better if you stayed,” Paul added.

“Yea LJ, you sure you cant stay?” Kevin asked as Danielle nodded with pleading eyes, asking me to stay.

Frankie had a hopeful yet sad look on his face and Nick was just waiting for an answer from me…I could never tell what he was thinking because he was so secretive and if he didn’t want emotion to be showed, then it wouldn’t be showed.

“No it’s okay…it’s getting late and I really have to get back to Adam anyway,” I said and choked on my words as I almost broke down then and there.

Adam was my cat, Joe got him for me for my 19th birthday so I named him after Joe and he was just a kitten, now he’s close to full grown.

“I promise to check in tomorrow and come over,” I said and saw relief flooded Denise and Paul’s expressions.

I gave them both hugs, then I went to Kevin and Danielle and then I hugged Frankie tightly.

“I’ll walk her home,” Nick said and we both walked out the door.

We walked to my house next door and up onto my porch as I took out my key. “I promise I’ll call you tomorrow and I’ll come over, okay?” I asked and he just nodded.

I gave him a hug as he hugged back and when we pulled away, he waited until I was inside to leave. I put my back up against my door and just listened to the silence. I used to live with my parents in New Jersey and throughout the years I had lived with the Jonas’ for most of my life…going on tour with them, coming here to California with them…but as soon as I turned 18, I was officially moved out and into this house that {lucky for me} was next to the Jonas’.

Adam came running up to me and I immediately picked him up. I was always considered a dog person but I would never have the time to walk it and I’d probably just be too lazy…and plus I also loved cats because they take care of themselves for the most part. They were independent and lazy. But I loved dogs because they were loyal and so energetic. I’m kind of all of those things so…lets just say I love them both equally.

I locked the door and walked slowly up the stairs and into my room. I placed Adam on my bed and changed into my pajamas as rain began to pelt my windows. I hated it when it was like this…thundering, lightning and hailing…I loved the rain…but not when it was violent like this. Usually I had Joe to hold me close in storms like these…and right now I was feeling so empty without someone holding me close as I just continued to listen to the rain. I looked on my dresser at the ring that would now haunt me forever…it was a beautiful promise ring that Joe had given to me for my 24th birthday.

He gave it to me as a promise to marry me someday…we always talked about getting married and everyone figured we would get married one day…there was a period of time where people were actually curious as to who I would marry…Nick or Joe. But I had picked Joe a long time ago…and when I did, everyone just said that they knew we were going to get married. I had doubts sometimes weather I picked the right Jonas or not but I pushed that thought out of my head forever., because I loved Joe…and Nick had his fair share of girls so I didn’t want to try to go for him and be in the way. He gave me the ring because he wanted me to know that he just wanted to be with me forever…and we were just so busy to even think about anything else besides our careers {I became famous through them}.

We actually began thinking about it last week…we were planning too…and everyone in the family knew we were pretty much engaged…we were but we weren’t. We hid it pretty well from the public for a while…but they soon caught on when they saw my ring in a lot of pictures and we ended up just telling everyone that we were engaged.

I smacked the black velvet box shut and chucked it at the wall. I had pajama pants on and a tube top and I slipped under the covers on my bed as Adam came close to me and snuggled up against my flat stomach as I absent-mindedly began to pet him until I fell asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was standing alone in the dark…there was nothing. Then all of a sudden, a big screen popped up in front of me like a big IMAX theater screen and the accident kept re-playing. But to be honest…I cant even remember what happened. Even though the accident was re-playing like a broken movie, it was like I was in third person just watching myself watch the video over…and over…and over again. All I saw was myself walking at a fast pace…and then I’d hear screeching tires…but I couldn’t picture how it all happened…like it was all erased from my memory.

I jerked awake and realized it was sunny out and Adam wasn’t by my side anymore. The sun was beaming in through my windows and I heard birds chirping. But not only did the weather startle me and confuse me…but I also heard something else, other than the birds…I heard my shower running. I got up slowly and i also noticed that the ring and its box wasn't next to the wall anymore...it was back on my finger. I took it off and placed it on my dresser with a confused, shocked expression and made my way over to my bathroom…and I heard singing.

When you look me in the eyes
And tell me that you love me
Everything’s alright
When you’re right here by my side…
I was too stunned to even remember to breathe. I was feeling so many things…I was frozen in a state of shock and I felt my heart accelerating. I creaked the door open and walked in and stared at the shadow figure, behind the shower curtain as steam consumed my body.

When I hold you in my arms
I know that it’s forever
I just gotta let you know
I never want to let you go

I took more steps forward…and I felt like everything was going so slow…I wanted to speed myself up but I just couldn’t. I was lucky that I was getting my legs to even walk this much. Suddenly the music stopped as soon as my foot squeaked on the moist tiled floor.

“LJ is that you?” the voice said and my breath was hitched and caught in my throat.

The figures hand grabbed the curtain at the end and began to slide it…more slow motion came though. My eyes grew and I still couldn’t breath. The curtain was pulled half way so I couldn’t see everything…but I saw enough…I saw the face.

“Joe,” I whispered.

There standing in my shower…was my dead fiancé.