My Conscience Called in Sick Again

Have you ever got that feeling that you just may have made your biggest mistake ever? I have felt that way before, but never this strong.

I think I just have made my worst mistake ever.

How could I say that? The moments the words had come out I had regret them, wanted them to jump back into my mouth and rewind time.

But too late.

Lee stared at me with shock shining in his eyes.

So scared and vulnerable.

My beautiful Lee.

Lee with blond hair and blue fringe and all those piercings. Lee with those beautiful grey eyes that people said made him look evil, I said it made him look handsome. Lee with the most adorable smile that made my knees gets shaky.

What have I done?

“What?” his voice is cracking. His eyes are starting to get filled with tears and his left fist is clenched. Like always when he is scared, confused or don’t know what to do.

I repeat the words. The terrible words I want left unsaid. “I want to break up.” Get back get back get back!

It wasn’t something I had planned. I never even have thought about it one single second during those three years we had been together.

But now, just so suddenly, out of nowhere I said it. Had said it.

“Why?” That soft smoothing voice, cracking by tears in the point to pathetic.

I wonder the same.

Why was I being stupid?

Why was I being an asshole?

Why was I on my way to ruin my life?

My answer was even worse. “I don’t love you anymore.”

What was I doing? I loved him more ever passing day. My feelings had never been stronger. I loved him. I loved my Lee. I loved him.

He let out a scared breathtaking gasp and his fist got unclenched.

With widen eyes and pale face he stared at me while sinking down to the floor, grasping with his hands over the arm of my couch for something to hold him up.

“Y-y-you d-d-don’t l-l-lo…lov…what?” The words were shaking in time with his small body.

My heart and mind melted by seeing my love this way. Seeing him on his knees before me with a hurt and pleading expression in his face.

“I don’t love you anymore.” The words were spoken cold and slow. How could my voice possibly be so cold and uncaring when I practically could feel my heart crashing down to small unnoticeable pieces?

“You can’t. I-I… you… we was happy.” the words was hardly anything then a faint whisper when tears begun to fall down his pale cheeks. “I thought we was happy.”

I wanted nothing more then to tear my own heart out and stomp on it, give it to Lee so he could whatever he thought I deserved against me.

Whatever he wanted to do.

“You were wrong.” Cold cold words. No meaning- just lies.

I did a motion to leave the room, getting pass him so I could come to the bedroom.

The room with so many of our memories.

Desperately he grabbed me around my legs.

“Please don’t leave me please don’t.” He cried with his head against my thigh, his fingers helplessly clinging on to my pants. “I’ll do anything for you, anything.”

“Sorry Lee.” I dragged my fingers through his hair. That soft beautiful blond hair. “That wont work:”

“What did I do wrong?” he cried even more when I roughly pulled out from his craving grip.

“Nothing.” I sat down in the armchair, locking eyes with him. Locking eyes with that perfect and beautiful creature that I had turned into a sobbing heap. “I just kept you for the sex.”

The words surprised us both and as soon they were said I knew that I would never ever get him back. They surprised me because I didn’t even think them for a second before they rolled over my tongue.

They surprised him because we both knew that they were his weakness. His soft spot. He had been so afraid. He had gave me the most valuable he ever have had. His virginity.

And now I was crushing our love under my foot, throwing it out through the window. Acting like the sweet things I had said to him didn’t mattered, that the comforting words didn’t meant anything.

Without a word but crying violently he got up and ran out from the apartment, he didn’t even cared to close the door. He left it open so that I could hear his heartbreaking sounds when he ran down the hall.

Suddenly I snapped back to reality. I’ve just ruined my life.

The cold outside that I have had around me disappeared as quickly as it had showed up and I stood up.

“LEE!” I screamed and ran to the door. Helplessly and with terror I stared down the hall. He was already gone.

Neighbours was standing in their doors, having wondering and curious looks. I didn’t even cared. I had ruined everything.

I sank down to the floor with a heart in more pieces than you could count and wrapped my arms around my legs, felling like the most idiotic and pathetic man on earth.

And I was. I had just ruined my future with the most perfect person in the world.

What had I done to us?