My Conscience Called in Sick Again
Why Am I Not Just Living For Today?
Soft gently fingers grasping over my back, leaving small hardly visible marks to be seen tomorrow. Small heals are pressing against my upper thigh, motioning for me to come that little bit closer. The scent of his breathtaking body is coursing me.
“I love you.” Lee breaths out in my ear.
I wake up.
“Fuck.” I groaned and sat up on the couch.
Ever since our break up I had have dreams about him. About my beautiful Lee. I just wanted them to disappear, I didn’t want to have the memories of our closest moments attached in my head. It hurt too much.
His brother was right. I didn’t deserve anything that had with Lee to do. Lee was to god for me. I hadn’t even denied it
“I gonna pick up Lawrence’s stuff.” I looked at the older, but not equal as beautiful or perfect, variant of Lee before me. I hadn’t even got time to say something before Terrence with cold voice had declared why he was here, here outside my door two days after what I had done to my love.
“Come in.”
I stepped out of his way and went into the bathroom, not wanting to see when he took away my memories of Lee.
I didn’t even cared to hold back my tears when I heard how he moved around outside and after a long time he knocked on the bathroom door.
“Open up.”
I hesitated for a few seconds while whipping away my tears before finally deciding to do what he had said.
“What?” I tried to sound as stern as possible, but I could tell for myself that my voice was cracking briefly.
“I just wanted to see you when you look around.” his face didn’t showed any expression, until I looked around in the apartment and took a deep breath, feeling the tears rise in my eyes again, then he smirked. It was so empty, everything belonging to my love was gone. Even some of the things we had bought together. “This isn’t even close to how you have made my brother feel.”
Tears started to fall down my cheeks when I realised that the photograph that had hanged on the wall for every one to see so soon they come in was gone. It had been one of the most beautiful photos ever taken. It showed Lee and me on vacation in Italy, we was standing by the water and was on our way to kiss. The picture had been taken in just that second when I had whispered I love you to him.
“Terry, I’m sorry.”
“Shut up Kevin.” his voice was piercing calm, to the point of flammable quiet. “I don’t want you to ever come close to Lawrence, me or anyone else in my family ever again. You don’t deserve to be around any of us. Especially not Lawrence, he can do so fucking much better then you. You don’t deserve him and never have. The only thing you deserve is to die.”
I stared at him with open mouth before he turned his back to me and walked out.
Deep inside I knew he was right.
I didn’t deserve Lee or anyone else.
I sighed and leaned back in the couch. Some things were harder then other. Waking up every morning was hard enough, to realise that Lee wasn’t next to me was even harder. To think back on all of our happy memories was one of the worst.
But I couldn’t help myself.
“Come on baby. It will look fine here.” I smiled with one hand around his waist and holding the enlarged photo in the other.
“They will think that we are egoistic if we have the photo there.” Lee giggled and kissed my cheek. “We’ll be the first thong they see.”
“I know.” I peeked his lips. “Who wouldn’t have you as the first thing to see?”
“Kevin… please.”
I laughed at his pleading and smiling face while letting go of him.
“So.” I smiled when I had hung up the photo. “Now we are on the wall.”
“You are so egoistic sometimes.” He smiled while I laid my arm around his waist and kissed him. “But I love you anyway.”
“And I love you Lee.” I kissed him again as he wrapped his arms around my neck. “I promise that so long that photo hangs on the wall in my home, I will love you.”
I still loved him. Even if the photo was gone. To take away a little picture wouldn’t stop my feelings for him. I had my memories left, the memories that I both hated and loved. Loved because I was able to see his beautiful features, hated because it reminded me about what I never would get again.
“Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars. Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are… good morning sweetie.” I was met by Lees amazing grey eyes. “Slept well?”
“Mhm.” I nodded and yawned, pulling him closer to me. “Your singing woke me up.”
“Sorry Rush.” he kissed me on my nose and I smiled, I loved when he did that. ”But I know that you like me singing.”
“No I don’t.” I grinned while he rained soft kisses over my neck. “I like you under me moaning.”
“Your nerd!” He giggled and was just about to open his mouth again when I pressed our lips hard together. “Mm, unfair.”
I grinned at him, feelings his soft fingers playing around with my hair. With a smile I laid my head down comfy on the pillow, looking at his smiling face while doing small circles over his back.
”I can stop kissing you if you want to?”
“No.” He shook his head. ”Without your kisses I wouldn’t survive.”
I rolled my eyes and he giggled, laying his one leg over my thigh while nuzzle in his head in my neck. His hot breath was teasing my skin and maid me feel a pleasant shiver down my spine.
“I love you Lee.”
“I love you too Rush.” his breathing quickened up. “Promise me one thing?”
“Anything.” he lifted up his head and looked at me with shining grey eyes. “Anything for you baby, you know that.”
“Yeah.” He peeked my lips again, but I kept my grip when he tried to pull away, extension the kiss to a bit more passionately. His cheeks were tingling red when we finally pulled away and his eyes were sparkling, his slim lips curving into a small smile. “Never leave me.”
I said that I never would leave him. I gave him that promise. And technically I didn’t break it.
He was the one who left me. He was the one who ran out through the door. But I know that I was the reason to that he did it. I hurt him to much. I was a complete asshole and I regretted every single word I said.
I opened my eyes while standing up, walking straight to the alcohol cabin. This was going to be a long day
---
Two hours later I was so drunk so that I couldn’t stand on my feet’s. It didn’t mattered too much all though. I was sitting on the floor while crying, memories of Lee was spinning around and I couldn’t grip any of them for more then a few seconds at time.
“Come on! Let us swing!” Lee’s smiling face when he tugged on my hand to make me follow him to the swings.
Seconds later we both are sitting in each swing and are laughing together.
We had been together one month. He was just sixteen and still a little childish, but I loved that about him.
Lee groaned and hides his face behind my back. “I hate horror movies!” he groaned and I laughed. He had agreed to go and see one just because I love horror movies. “You are lucky I love you so much.”
We had been together four months and he rewarded me by letting me see horror movies since I had been forced to see all those romantic movies he loved.
“Kevin!” Lee squeaked, dragging out my name for an extra few syllables and throws himself around my neck. “Your brother tries to eat me.”
I laughed while wrapping my arms around him, seeing how my little brother is running to us. “I’ll protect you. No! Keith! Eat Terrence! Not us!”
The barbeque party at my parents. We had been together for one and a half year. Only one year different between Lee and my brother, they had become best friends.
Lee was squirming around on the floor while laughing so hard that he hardly could breath, he was the most ticklish person I had ever met. And I just loved to tickle him. “S-stop Kev - ah! No.” he laughed even more. “Stop!”
“Say the magic word.” I laughed by seeing my love lying squirming underneath me, not able to do anything.
“I- I love you!” he squeaked.
I stopped to tickle him and kissed him hard on the mouth. “I meant ‘please’, but I love you will due to.”
---
“Holy shit Kevin!” Someone screamed and tore me out from my memories. “You defiantly need some fucking help now!”
It was first when the person had pulled me op on my feet’s and was on his way to help me on with my jacket that I could focus my eyes long enough on the person to see who it was.
“Hi Keith.” I slurred with a try to a smile. Seeing on his expression he just thought the try was pathetic.
“You have sunk even lower then I thought you could.”
“I love you.” Lee breaths out in my ear.
I wake up.
“Fuck.” I groaned and sat up on the couch.
Ever since our break up I had have dreams about him. About my beautiful Lee. I just wanted them to disappear, I didn’t want to have the memories of our closest moments attached in my head. It hurt too much.
His brother was right. I didn’t deserve anything that had with Lee to do. Lee was to god for me. I hadn’t even denied it
“I gonna pick up Lawrence’s stuff.” I looked at the older, but not equal as beautiful or perfect, variant of Lee before me. I hadn’t even got time to say something before Terrence with cold voice had declared why he was here, here outside my door two days after what I had done to my love.
“Come in.”
I stepped out of his way and went into the bathroom, not wanting to see when he took away my memories of Lee.
I didn’t even cared to hold back my tears when I heard how he moved around outside and after a long time he knocked on the bathroom door.
“Open up.”
I hesitated for a few seconds while whipping away my tears before finally deciding to do what he had said.
“What?” I tried to sound as stern as possible, but I could tell for myself that my voice was cracking briefly.
“I just wanted to see you when you look around.” his face didn’t showed any expression, until I looked around in the apartment and took a deep breath, feeling the tears rise in my eyes again, then he smirked. It was so empty, everything belonging to my love was gone. Even some of the things we had bought together. “This isn’t even close to how you have made my brother feel.”
Tears started to fall down my cheeks when I realised that the photograph that had hanged on the wall for every one to see so soon they come in was gone. It had been one of the most beautiful photos ever taken. It showed Lee and me on vacation in Italy, we was standing by the water and was on our way to kiss. The picture had been taken in just that second when I had whispered I love you to him.
“Terry, I’m sorry.”
“Shut up Kevin.” his voice was piercing calm, to the point of flammable quiet. “I don’t want you to ever come close to Lawrence, me or anyone else in my family ever again. You don’t deserve to be around any of us. Especially not Lawrence, he can do so fucking much better then you. You don’t deserve him and never have. The only thing you deserve is to die.”
I stared at him with open mouth before he turned his back to me and walked out.
Deep inside I knew he was right.
I didn’t deserve Lee or anyone else.
I sighed and leaned back in the couch. Some things were harder then other. Waking up every morning was hard enough, to realise that Lee wasn’t next to me was even harder. To think back on all of our happy memories was one of the worst.
But I couldn’t help myself.
“Come on baby. It will look fine here.” I smiled with one hand around his waist and holding the enlarged photo in the other.
“They will think that we are egoistic if we have the photo there.” Lee giggled and kissed my cheek. “We’ll be the first thong they see.”
“I know.” I peeked his lips. “Who wouldn’t have you as the first thing to see?”
“Kevin… please.”
I laughed at his pleading and smiling face while letting go of him.
“So.” I smiled when I had hung up the photo. “Now we are on the wall.”
“You are so egoistic sometimes.” He smiled while I laid my arm around his waist and kissed him. “But I love you anyway.”
“And I love you Lee.” I kissed him again as he wrapped his arms around my neck. “I promise that so long that photo hangs on the wall in my home, I will love you.”
I still loved him. Even if the photo was gone. To take away a little picture wouldn’t stop my feelings for him. I had my memories left, the memories that I both hated and loved. Loved because I was able to see his beautiful features, hated because it reminded me about what I never would get again.
“Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars. Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are… good morning sweetie.” I was met by Lees amazing grey eyes. “Slept well?”
“Mhm.” I nodded and yawned, pulling him closer to me. “Your singing woke me up.”
“Sorry Rush.” he kissed me on my nose and I smiled, I loved when he did that. ”But I know that you like me singing.”
“No I don’t.” I grinned while he rained soft kisses over my neck. “I like you under me moaning.”
“Your nerd!” He giggled and was just about to open his mouth again when I pressed our lips hard together. “Mm, unfair.”
I grinned at him, feelings his soft fingers playing around with my hair. With a smile I laid my head down comfy on the pillow, looking at his smiling face while doing small circles over his back.
”I can stop kissing you if you want to?”
“No.” He shook his head. ”Without your kisses I wouldn’t survive.”
I rolled my eyes and he giggled, laying his one leg over my thigh while nuzzle in his head in my neck. His hot breath was teasing my skin and maid me feel a pleasant shiver down my spine.
“I love you Lee.”
“I love you too Rush.” his breathing quickened up. “Promise me one thing?”
“Anything.” he lifted up his head and looked at me with shining grey eyes. “Anything for you baby, you know that.”
“Yeah.” He peeked my lips again, but I kept my grip when he tried to pull away, extension the kiss to a bit more passionately. His cheeks were tingling red when we finally pulled away and his eyes were sparkling, his slim lips curving into a small smile. “Never leave me.”
I said that I never would leave him. I gave him that promise. And technically I didn’t break it.
He was the one who left me. He was the one who ran out through the door. But I know that I was the reason to that he did it. I hurt him to much. I was a complete asshole and I regretted every single word I said.
I opened my eyes while standing up, walking straight to the alcohol cabin. This was going to be a long day
---
Two hours later I was so drunk so that I couldn’t stand on my feet’s. It didn’t mattered too much all though. I was sitting on the floor while crying, memories of Lee was spinning around and I couldn’t grip any of them for more then a few seconds at time.
“Come on! Let us swing!” Lee’s smiling face when he tugged on my hand to make me follow him to the swings.
Seconds later we both are sitting in each swing and are laughing together.
We had been together one month. He was just sixteen and still a little childish, but I loved that about him.
Lee groaned and hides his face behind my back. “I hate horror movies!” he groaned and I laughed. He had agreed to go and see one just because I love horror movies. “You are lucky I love you so much.”
We had been together four months and he rewarded me by letting me see horror movies since I had been forced to see all those romantic movies he loved.
“Kevin!” Lee squeaked, dragging out my name for an extra few syllables and throws himself around my neck. “Your brother tries to eat me.”
I laughed while wrapping my arms around him, seeing how my little brother is running to us. “I’ll protect you. No! Keith! Eat Terrence! Not us!”
The barbeque party at my parents. We had been together for one and a half year. Only one year different between Lee and my brother, they had become best friends.
Lee was squirming around on the floor while laughing so hard that he hardly could breath, he was the most ticklish person I had ever met. And I just loved to tickle him. “S-stop Kev - ah! No.” he laughed even more. “Stop!”
“Say the magic word.” I laughed by seeing my love lying squirming underneath me, not able to do anything.
“I- I love you!” he squeaked.
I stopped to tickle him and kissed him hard on the mouth. “I meant ‘please’, but I love you will due to.”
---
“Holy shit Kevin!” Someone screamed and tore me out from my memories. “You defiantly need some fucking help now!”
It was first when the person had pulled me op on my feet’s and was on his way to help me on with my jacket that I could focus my eyes long enough on the person to see who it was.
“Hi Keith.” I slurred with a try to a smile. Seeing on his expression he just thought the try was pathetic.
“You have sunk even lower then I thought you could.”