Let Go

Days and weeks past us all by. They were drone and slow-moving, which dulled the extravagant Pacific sun into a matted shade of grey. Rarely did I hear the growl of an engine, or the cheering behind the muffled helmets of my boys, a sound I was so accustomed to. The compound had grown hushed with the steady Temecula winds; the once engraved tire tracks filling with sediment as they disappeared without a trace. The silver engine of my bike began to speckling with gathered dust, laying patiently inside my garage for a ride which would never seem to come. It wasn’t that we were afraid of death, of failure; only that we would each have to look beside ourselves, and find only dead space where my brother once ruled the skies.

I was awoken on the morning of March 9th, a month after my brother’s passing, to the sound of a car door closing. Whilst rubbing my eyes from sleep, I pulled the sheer white blinds to the corners of the window, only to be greeted by a sight which had gotten me through hell and back. Beneath my feet was Twitch, head cocked up towards my bedroom window with his nose scrunched up in a silly looking tick. He was seated atop his truck, a blue Yamaha tied to the back and a smile plastered across his face. I unlocked the window, pushing up the pane and lowering my head through the gap. Wisps of exhaust and the earthy radiance of dried soil which circled in the light winds hit my nose and took me away to better times, happier times.

“Good morning Ricci,” He waved, viewing upon the grin which had crept towards the corners of my mouth, “I have a surprise for you.”

Ruffling my locks of waved hair, I knelt to my knees, resting my heavy head onto my hands. I was glad Twitch decided to show up today, much like he had been doing since the funeral. But, his devious glint of a smile sent my stomach into a pitfall. He had something up his sleeve, one which I wasn’t sure I was ready for. Still, I held out my finger, gesturing for him to wait as I quickly paced barefoot from my room to the now opened front door. Leaning against the frame, I raised my eyebrows in anticipation towards him.

“What are we doing today Stenberg?”
“We’re riding the Compound.”

I sighed without command; shutting my eyes to the idea and feeling the smile melt from my lips. In the darkness of my mind, past my lids and into my imagination, I saw my brother. I saw his smiling face and bright eyes; vibrant, living eyes. A rush of emotions filled me like a tank, and my heart sunk towards my feet. I hadn’t ridden since the accident; and though I knew he was going to suggest it, I wished Jeremy would have simply forgotten to place his bike back into his shop. All of his previous activities with me, childish ones like theme parks and late night ice cream runs took my mind off of what had happened only weeks before. Now, he was thrusting me into a world which encompassed everything I had been wallowing inside.

“Deegan has everyone coming. It’s for your brother Ricci."

Oh god, I wanted to say no. With every fiber in my soul I wanted to reject. But he had done so much already, and I found myself in a situation where I swallowed down my pride, and simply accepted his offer with a tiny nod. It killed me to do, but I wasn’t ready to show weakness towards something so familiar, so comfortable, even if it had become my worst fears. He was smiling still, with anticipation; I wondered what it was exactly for, and I moved mechanically back towards my bedroom with Jeremy on my wrist.

The closet door was already open, and I flicked the light on with a small sigh under my breath. My riding gear had been pushed towards the back as I walked through the tiny space, the once centerpiece of my wardrobe shamed from glory. I examined each cloth jersey upon the wooden hangers as if they were relics, I started to miss what I once was and had become. There were still remains of dirt tucked up on the shoulder as I pulled the jersey from its place, it must have been from the race before Jeremy left. The lettering was cracking on the back as I turned it around my hands, the bold English Gothic letters giving way to the white fabric underneath.

LUSK, 619.
It all sank in how racing would never be the same with that name painted across my back.

It was amazing to me how patient he was, standing with arms crossed in the doorway. Even through the reminiscing as I packed away each item, he didn't say a word. My fingers were lingering atop a second jersey, a red one, the one Lauren had thrown to me. With a quick snap of my wrist, I pushed it back into the corner of the bar as I threw the duffle bag over my shoulder. I tried to forget it, turning off the light, but taking a quick glace back towards the room as I exited. Jeremy was ushering me out, walking behind my heels in case I might back out of this idea, but smiled when he caught the turn of my head.I hoped I fell down my staircase and cracked my skull wide open.

But, much to my dismay, we reached my driveway without scave. Jeremy was already heading for my bike in the garage. I threw the bag and my helmet into the cab and walked around the truck to see him blankly stare at my bike, hand on his chin, probably wondering how he could maneuver something twice as small has his own. Finally, after much internal deliberation, he shot a glance over towards me with confused demeanor, and I took off from my place to assist him.

"I'll get the ramp." He reasoned as I kick started the dusty engine.

I followed him slowly atop my machine, bare palms gripping the throttle, vibrations shaking through my bones. He stood back beside me as I lined up with the tiny metal track, easing up the gas and rolling on. But then, my mind raced, concentration was lost, and all I could see in front of me was the jump in Costa Rica. I saw my brother die again. My eyes flew open suddenly, cranking the throttle and sending the bike out from under myself. I landed square on the concrete, where I cringed disappointment and embarrassment as Twitch lifted the bike up off my legs. He looked down at me, worried indefinitely, viewing upon my scuffed knees and tousled hair. I had just fallen off a damn 5 foot ramp, and I still called myself a fucking professional in front of someone like him.

"Maybe you should just wait in the truck." He suggested, pushing the scuffed bike into the bed, a tick thrashing his head about.

So I retreated in silence where I remained for the duration of our ride to the compound. I changed into my gear once we had arrived at Deegan’s, and returned for my bike just the same. It was propped up for me already on the vast concrete driveway. The kickstand was bent and the graphics were peeling away from the frame. Someone had tried to kick it back into shape, but ultimately failed. In vain I tried to push the protruding flaps back down, only to have each of them mock my attempts by flying up further with each try.

I wheeled the decrepit bike to the back of his house with my knees burning, dirt lodged in the bloodied scrapes. Everyone was waiting for me, all my boys which had become absent from my life so suddenly; my mulisha, my family. But, something was out of place; they were all staring, glancing up with mourning eyes. Deegan approached solemnly, like the spokesperson for each of themn, and softly laid a hand on my shoulder.

"It was brave of you to come Ricci." He lowly spoke, the Mulisha still focused upon me, "We've all prayed for Jeremy."
"That’s all he needs now." I responded.

Pushing the now bowed kickstand up, I left my bike and the crowd for the dirt track in front of me. It had been looming in my vision the entire time; the metal ramp in the middle of a brown sea. It seemed more symbolic of death than memorial and swum around in my memories, plaguing like a shark in dark waters. My heart was beginning to pound, and I shut my eyes to calm the nerves with had surfaced. A deep gulp of air filled my lungs and the depths of my mind began to again take over, like I was so use to these days. Inside the swirling anticipation, the blackness I had grown comfortable with, two words broke the chaos and confusion which had settled for so long.

Let go.

They rang out over and over again, silencing the pain, the fear, the loneness which each statement they made. They spoke in my brother’s voice, in Twitch's voice, my family and friends voice, and finally my own. Echoing over and over inside until the sun hit my irises and I fled back for my bike in blind inspiration. Deegan was saying something, his voice raised in surprise and suddenly dulled by the firing of my engine. I left them, all of them behind in a cloud of dust. My wheels banked for an approach at the ramp. This was my moment, it was now or never.

I could see the approaching jump, and like this morning it brought back hauntings, but I removed the images from my mind and forced the throttle around until it pushed back and the wind was cutting like razors through my goggles. I hit the metal, taking into the air, I heard the muffled cheers erupting from below. I could feel my own heart stop, and suddenly his presence was soaring beside me on feathered wings, smiling back with the wisdom he had always protected me with. And in that moment, that second or two in the weightless sky, we were both redeemed, we were both alive. We both let go and left each other into the Temecula sky; our hearts still connected, but our paths diverted. I gave him his final breath of air, and he gave me so much more that instant.

A new life.